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BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
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Subject: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 25 Mar 01 - 06:43 AM a very sheepish alison peers out from behind an olive tree trunk for any of you who haven't a clue what's going on.. this is continued from here You big eejit Mick... you said they wouldn't find out..... the least you can do is give me back my toga..... AND they've got it on video... that "we were just playing scrabble" line isn't going to work now...... oh LEJ....... oops sorry Bacchus..... what exactly do I need to do to get that tape off you?????? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Micca Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:08 AM Bacchus invited me into the grove to try his private supply of good Burgundy, rather than the Plonque ordnaire he is serving to the rest of you reprobates..and he has a couple of nymphs he wanted me to meet....said they were called Jeri and Sinsull...and would I like to make a 4th for "scrabble"(see Alisons post for explanation)... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Micca Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:11 AM I , of course, reclined... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:12 AM Say, if y'all wouldn't mind I was hopin' for a favor. I can see you've been all completely debauched and everything, but if you happen to be out getting your togas cleaned or picking up a few more incantations to the gods or whatever, could you keep an eye out for Paw? I posted this yesterday on another thread, but since they are heading out Leej's way (and if the lightning hasn't struck him yet), I was hoping you all might keep an eye peeled along with the olives............... ********************************************************** I've often thought there was something genetic at work in being susceptible to TV ads, but now I am sure of it. A couple of years back, Rick Fielding, an obvious sucker, sent his three half brothers, all named Reg, down here and of course they immediately hit it off with Paw, Cletus, and Buford. I suppose I should have figured they were "Ad-Addicts" because each of them had their own Pocket Fisherman inscribed with their name, or so they said. Upon closer inspection I found the "Reg" they were referring to was the "reg." in the patent info but they were happy and there was no convincing them otherwise. Cletus too is one of those folks who becomes entranced by all types of electronic pictures and once spent several weeks in the James Taylor Rehab Wing For Catatonic Blandness at the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed to cure his catatonic condition brought on by staring at Hamsterdance on my computer for three straight days. Paw has been taken to the proverbial cleaners many times in his life starting with playing punchcards and once losing $82.00 and a new union suit to a card tosser playing Three Card Monty. It made quite an impression on him as he was wearing the union suit at the time and had to hitchhike the 600 miles home from New York City wearing only his bibs........in February. It was a numbing experience and he is pretty skeptical about anything being pitched his way. Today though, he was hooked into a scheme to cure his piles which Cletus and the Reg boys had figured out. Buford had purchased an "Ab-Roller" from the TV ad in an effort to lose some of the spare tire he was carrying owing to the case and a half of Iron City he downs every day. He'd already tried the "Hollywood Miracle Diet" and I suppose it did clean the toxins from his system as advertized, at least to some degree. When it arrived he drank down the entire bottle straight without mixing. His first fart, about 45 minutes later, blew out the seat of his pants and he spent the next two days sleeping in the outhouse. The "Ab-Roller" seemed a lot safer and for Paw, Cletus, and the Reg boys it was certainly far better smelling. Buford could fuck up a wet dream though and sure enough when the things came (he ordered two just for the discount), he tries one out right on the spot. The spot in question being down by his mailbox where the road goes downhill and the gizmo took off dragging Buford along behind. If he had let go he wouldn't have run off into the big patch of poison sumac by the Chessie tracks. Buford was really a mess btween the road burns and breaking out real bad from the sumac so Cletus offered to let him stay at his place with the Reg boys til he was better and Cletus could take care of him. While Cletus and the Reg boys were out, Buford got to looking around for some lotion and ran across the "Nads" kit that Cletus had ordered. Sadly, Buford had never heard of Nads before and thought it was something to make your genitals feel better and his were burning up from the sumac so he poured some on and applied the pad as directed. I guess the stuff is made for legs and backs and other parts of the body where the skin is tougher because when Buford pulled off the patch it brought not only hair, but three layers of skin off his balls. When the others returned they found Buford as a mass of quivering pulp on the floor and that this latest insanity would force him into a hospital stay for skin grafts on his nuts. It was about this time that Paw's 'roids flared up on him. Ever since the "Night of the Farted Falwell" when one of Paw's flamers had scorched the image of Jerry Falwell on my garage wall, he had been having trouble. Some say that it's a divine retribution or a curse from Falwell, but it seems to me that after 50 years of lighting farts, his asshole has just blown out. The Reg boys had just ordered some magnetic bracelets for Buford to help in his healing, but since he was in the hospital they thought Paw could use them to cure his wasted bunghole. They figured that between them they had 27 of these bracelets, including Buford's, in various sizes and if they could affix them somehow to Paw's butt, a cure was inevitable. As always, the answer was duct tape. Cletus held Paw down while Reg stacked the bracelets in stacks of nine, handed them to Reg who arranged them in interlocking stacks on Paw's ass, while Reg taped the whole thing on. When they let Paw up, Cletus said he was not as mad as he thought he'd be and the magnets only made a small bump in his bibs. I think though, based on what happened next, that the interlocking magnets may have produced too strong a field because as they walked down the road past the Rafferty house, a hubcap off of ol' man Rafferty's Buick flew off and slammed into Paw's ass. Rafferty was boiling peanuts in front of his stoop and came running over, madder than hell. After great tugging and throwing Paw all over the place, the hubcap was still stuck. Finally Paw held onto Rafferty's mailbox and the others managed to get the damn thing off but they pulled the mailbox out in the process. Ol' man Rafferty went to get his shotgun and the rest of them made tracks, not stopping til they reached the intersection at Rt.40. Here's where things went really bad. A Peterbilt with California registration roared past and before anyone could make a move, Paw was snatched up and was last seen hanging by his ass from an exhaust stack. Cletus and the Reg boys figured they could snatch him back with the Popeil's Pocket Fisherman if they could catch up so they hopped in Buford's pickup which he wasn't using and headed out, stopping at my place briefly to drop off Cletus' pet cockroach, Hernando, for me to care for until they returned, hopefully with Paw. My neighbor said he past them heading out of town, the Reg boys in the bed of the truck, Popeil equipped. If you live west of here, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep an eye out for them. And do me a favor if you see Paw. Take those magnetic bracelets off his ass. By the way, does anybody know if these things that turn your home's electrical system into a sonic pest repellant will kill cockroaches? Hernando? HERNANDO?? HERNANDO??? HERNANDO????............Hmmmm............Do they lay upside down like this a lot? Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:29 AM Hey 'spaw.. I don't know what you're smoking... but jump in that big vat over there.. LEJ will lend you his snorkel...... you'll feel MUCH better afterwards.... or at least you won't care!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Noreen Date: 25 Mar 01 - 11:15 AM To get back to the olive groves... who misread the invitation to the toga party and turned up dressed as a goat? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: wysiwyg Date: 25 Mar 01 - 11:50 AM they should proofread the invites better. Mine definatelyt read "Bring your goat for the goat party!"
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: wysiwyg Date: 25 Mar 01 - 11:52 AM oops! sorry - grabbed the wrong cookie on my way over. that (and this) post was me. MMario |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Little Hawk Date: 25 Mar 01 - 01:00 PM Spaw. I just read your last addition to this irredeemable thread. I would like to say "I'm speechless", but to do that would be self-contradictory at this point. I just feel that way. Get help, man, before it's too late... I find that repeated listenings to "Space Oddity" can increase lucidity and reduce flatulence to boot. That's about all I can recommend at this point. 80 hours of continuous play should do it. Maybe. - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Morticia Date: 25 Mar 01 - 01:09 PM Now you mention it Spaw, a pick-up came screaming through here about a half hour ago....couldn't tell who was in it though on account of they were all mooning over the tailboard but there were a lot of hairy bottoms ( and I don't mean the Shakespearian kind), loud howls of frenzied laughter and a distinct aroma of moonshine.....could that be them? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 25 Mar 01 - 03:31 PM No you don't Micca. "Quantong" is not a valid word. (Who would have believed that when the old guy invited me into the olive grove to play Scrabble, that he wanted to play Scrabble?) And some friend Jeri turned out to be...here I sit in a polyester pantsuit sweating on a bed of greasy fallen olives with a dictionary while she and Bacchus romp around taking sneaky pictures of everyone. Excuse me Micca. Just going to the powred room for a moment. Be right back... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 25 Mar 01 - 03:52 PM Thanks Morty, I think you spotted them. I don't think the Reg boys were mooning because as I got to thinking about it, the supper they had the night before this escapade started was a kind of Americanized version of "Bubble and Squeak" where you throw in the leftover pinto beans too. They may have been adding some jet thrust to Buford's pickup since it'll only run about 50 at best. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and hear from the law who will undoubtedly be calling at some point, the potential for disaster being what it is and all. So while I wait........Which of you lovelies is available for a little nymph duty? Morty? Sinsull? I mean hell Sins, I have no idea what a quantong is but I can surely play a better form of scrabble! Maybe the three of us could tickle each other's fancy.........or other things. Whatever we do, let's get going 'cause the "Bubble and Squeak Plus" hasn't hit me yet.............................. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Matt_R Date: 25 Mar 01 - 05:23 PM Well, I leave for TWO days and see I'm already the butt of jokes!!! HA HA HA! I made some heavenly hash (marshmallows, pineapple, etc.) this weekend and it was DAMN GOOD. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 25 Mar 01 - 05:58 PM Dont make me come down there! I turn my back for a few weeks and you all throw a freeking orgy. I've a good mind to turn you all into cuttlefish! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Lonesome EJ Date: 25 Mar 01 - 06:16 PM Sorry Alison, I sold the tape to a guy from www.realOrgy.com who said he had an artistic interest only. And now I'm very angry because it's posted on his Celebrity Intimate Video web site along with the one of Tommy and Pam. Hell, I didn't even get filmaker credits. But don't worry, your names aren't mentioned. Your clip is described as "John Goodman gets it on with Jody Foster!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Morticia Date: 25 Mar 01 - 07:03 PM Spaw, I think I'm on nymph duty tonight...that means I cheat at scrabble ( and poker and Old Maid) and my knee length socks aren't as white as they could be....hope that's okay *BG*? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 25 Mar 01 - 07:40 PM Hey Zeus! Wanna play Scrabble? Freeking has a "A" in it! THWACK!!!!! So much for the polyester pants suit... This is getting ridiculous. Now all I can find to wear is a slightly stretched out thong and half a potato.Hmmmm Weave in a few grape leaves and I'm all set to go. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:41 PM Sorry underling but there is no such word as "Freaking" or Freeking, so, it may be spelled any way I want. Freak is a noun, if freaking/ freeking were a real word, it would be a verb. SMACK! I dont play Scrabble. too easy. Now, Trivial Pursuit, thats my game. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 25 Mar 01 - 09:32 PM Jody Foster????? Jody %*$&*%^ Foster??????.... I look nothing like her.... admittedly most of me was hidden.... hahaha.... but thanks for letting me know... I was wondering why Micca kept calling me "Clarice" and giggling....... Hey Zeus, isn't there some sort of rule about videoing people without their consent? any chance of giving Bacchus a quick zap from me....... please..... I'll make it worth your while........ *grin*..... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: hesperis Date: 25 Mar 01 - 11:58 PM *hesperis suddenly wakes up from her nap, and is astounded at the disheveled state of the other bacchanalian revellers. She heads out quickly, not even trying to get the grape juice out of her hair... Her state could quite accurately be described as "freaked"...* Her last words were "..Micca and Alison playing Scrabble in an Olive grove? Scareeeeeeeee!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Matt_R Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:51 AM Ah yes...loss of interest, the main reason for my virginity, has reared it's ugly head yet again. I'll be over here with my guitar.
Me and my soul, we know where we're going |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 26 Mar 01 - 03:40 AM ahhh... Micca that hip flask stuff sounds good.. And MMario as for Nanny Oggs cider... Mad apples... never touch the stuff, sends you fair loopy it does! Matt... Marshmallow and Pineapple.. heck!! Well, if your invites said goats, and not togas I thought it was a dyslexic goast party... has anyone seen Bacchus... I want to apologise for trampling on him... rum yum rum yum rum yum rum yum ruuuummmmmmm E |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 26 Mar 01 - 07:45 AM There is a rule I just made up. First, I must see the tape to make sure it is really you, then, I must see you in person to be sure it is really you. Then, after making a copy of it, I will return the tape to you, and fry his VCR with a small thunderbolt. Now, what is all this worth to you? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 26 Mar 01 - 10:42 AM bE CAREFUL zEUS. iF hERA CATCHES YOU WITH THAT STUFF, SHE'LL HAVE YOU CLEANING THE GREEN JELL-O OUT OF THE FOUNTAINS! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 26 Mar 01 - 10:47 AM Let'sh have a kick-about with that old wineskin. I'll be Centaur-forward. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:10 PM What? Centaur Forward? CENTAUR FORWARD??? Geeziz Skiff.............Have you no shame??? Spaw (damn, wish I'd said that) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Micca Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:23 PM Ah...Spaw I thought you were just a Soft Centaur... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:26 PM ..........and they're getting worse................ Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Lonesome EJ Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:40 PM Personally, I think Kareem was the greatest centaur of all time, although Chamberlain holds the scoring record. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:44 PM ......awferchrissakes................... Spaw (who'd take Bill Russell) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Matt_R Date: 26 Mar 01 - 01:01 PM How many licks does it take to get to the Centaur of a tootsie roll pop? Ladies? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Noreen Date: 26 Mar 01 - 01:40 PM Yer what, Mattie?? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 26 Mar 01 - 01:52 PM I dunno' Noreen...........I think he's making a comparison to his genitals, in which case his Willie is about an inch long, hard.........but crunchy. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: mousethief Date: 26 Mar 01 - 02:08 PM I shudder to think how you would know that, Spaw. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,kendall Date: 26 Mar 01 - 02:18 PM Dont feel bad Matt, he was wrong about Edgar Cayce too. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: MMario Date: 26 Mar 01 - 02:21 PM I always wondered why the tootsies were allowed to roll their pop. Isn't there some kind of commandment against that? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Little Hawk Date: 26 Mar 01 - 03:51 PM What does all this have to do with Orillia? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: gnu Date: 26 Mar 01 - 04:34 PM Orillia ? Oranything ? confusedgnu
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 26 Mar 01 - 06:50 PM You came here looking for sense? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: mousethief Date: 26 Mar 01 - 07:06 PM Worked for Lot's daughters. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Big Mick Date: 26 Mar 01 - 08:34 PM Awwrrriggggghhhhhhttttteeeee then................I will be back in character after I get done changing undies and chortling over that feckin' exchange between RtS and spaw............you folks need to get a hobby...............ROFLMAO....... Mick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 27 Mar 01 - 02:50 AM No shame, I'm full of delusions of grandeur, in fact I think I'm the Centaur of the universe. RtS (everyone a little gem!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 27 Mar 01 - 02:58 AM name your price Zeus... meanwhile.. how about you and I wander off onto one of your clouds... and I'll whup your ass at trivial pursuit...... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Mar 01 - 03:57 AM Alison... you're an awful Squitch! so you are... Hey Mick... Alisons off entertaining Zeus... how about it. And the new name for it is Trivial pursuit... hem hem... What's a tootsie??? And Mmario, wasn't there something about going blind if you were allowed to roll your pop? Wanders off to put soap powder in all Zeus's fountains... Bubble bath anyone? Ella |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Mar 01 - 03:59 AM Erm... Orilla....? Is this a gorilla without his G?
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 27 Mar 01 - 04:39 AM Hey, now I'm a Centaur, I ought to enter myself for some horse races and bet on myself. Can't be worse than the ones I usually bet on who seem to come from two well-known stables: Norfolk and Good or Norfolk and Hughes. RtS (only trying to be the Centaur of attention- or did I use that one already- probably!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Mar 01 - 04:47 AM Roger, don't get your Centaur parting in a tizz now... but I reckon your odds would be good for the racing... I'd certainly put a few bob on you... 40 golden guinneas to the winner, though, I agree... I usually end up with nags from the Norfolk n good stables... hem hem.. Ella... from the Centuar of Excellence..... oooooo groan! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,micca at work Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:03 AM Ella, dont fall for his promises of wealth based on his running ability, its just a Centaurfuge to seperate you from your dosh!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:17 AM Don't worry Micca... I have a slush fund set aside in the Centaural Bank of Scotland just for those purposes... Actually, I don't bet at all, I am hopeless at it and prefer to Centaur my thoughts on other things other than gambling.. erm... ohhh! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:19 AM would that be similar to Cenaurfugal force Micca... May the cenaurfugal force be with you... Bubble bath anyone?.... fountains are bubbling up nicely now...
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:19 AM would that be similar to Cenaurfugal force Micca... May the centaurfugal force be with you... Bubble bath anyone?.... fountains are bubbling up nicely now...
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:20 AM damn my dyslexia |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: JudeL Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:28 AM micca you sound like you're going round in circles - what did you have in that hip-flask Jude |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 27 Mar 01 - 08:36 AM Funny. I always thought of Micca as being a little to the left of Centaur. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 27 Mar 01 - 08:42 AM I hope all these dreadful puns don't Bacchus into a corner we can't get out of! RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 27 Mar 01 - 08:44 AM Fair one, you are real brave as long as you are on the other side of the earth! You know that thunderbolts dont follow the curve..Now, if you follow my logic, I am much older than you, so, I should have more knowledge than you..yes? Seriously...whip my ass, eh? what other kinky things are you into? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 27 Mar 01 - 08:54 AM well Zeus... so far in this thread we've had bondage, juice licking, scrabble and whupping....... what more do you want?????? lol |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Noreen Date: 27 Mar 01 - 09:05 AM Enter trainee nymph (still!)...singing... Nymphs and shepherds, come away.
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:59 AM Sorry Noreen, but my Jollity is attached and not available for shipping, express or otherwise. Not only that, its completely limp after reading all of these puns. Time to meditate or medicate and find my centaur so I can get things straight again. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 27 Mar 01 - 11:02 AM ohhhhh spaw..... doh! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 27 Mar 01 - 11:20 AM one of you knows who I really am, would someone else care to guess? Some of you claim you can tell by the way a person writes who they are if they are posting under "Guest" The one who knows is disqualified in this. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 27 Mar 01 - 11:26 AM you're Zeus????? so where's my prize? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 27 Mar 01 - 11:33 AM Right here sweetie! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 27 Mar 01 - 11:41 AM lol........ oh great.. chocolate... my favourite...... and such a big bar......... lol |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Morticia Date: 27 Mar 01 - 01:41 PM Roger, I fear you are getting a little egocentauric....I should tone it down or Zeus will bust you down to cart horse status with no hay priveleges....and that's on a good day. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 27 Mar 01 - 02:00 PM Yeah, and with nuts too! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 27 Mar 01 - 02:42 PM Cool it, Zeus! Hera is on her way and she's still pissed (US version) over losing that stupid beauty contest. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Jeri Date: 27 Mar 01 - 03:09 PM I thought I knew who you were the first time you posted, Zeus. I believe I once detected you in another guise, and it wasn't as a swan - ayuh? And these puns are horrid...good, though! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 27 Mar 01 - 04:15 PM How come she gets a big bar of chocolate with nuts and I get my butt singed? I am getting even with all of you. I invited Old Man Homer to come and bore you to death with one of his interminably loooong tales. "Come hear the tale of the great Antony who ruled the world and the heart of the lovely Cleopatra while sojourning in faraway Egypt, Land of the Pyramids and Sphinx and Pharoughs uh pharoahs, uh foreign dignitaries. One day a messenger came to Great Antony with news of a terrible plague afflicting the farm country of the lower valley, Land of the Crocodile. The local magistrate, Ankonhead, demanded that Great Antony come at once to survey the damage and offer his, wise, sage,informative,capable counsel to the blighted land and people. Great Antony travelled day and night, night and day stopping only to eat and rest his camel. For three nights and days he travelled until he came to the lower valley and saw the devastation for himself. Acid rain and faulty fertilizer had brought a great curse upon the land. Vines that used to produce a hundred tons of grapes for the women of the lower valley to trample into wine when the emir's back was turned for he forbade the drinking of wine. For that matter he forbade barefoot women in public. But...lost my train of thought...Oh yes, vines that once produced a hundred pounds of rich purple grapes for the making of wine and tromping of feet now were bowed over with the weight of a SINGLE grape. No one man could pick it. No one but Big Mick could tromp it and so the berries rotted on the vine and the vine on the ground and the people wept. Great Antony pondered the problem with his superior Roman ponderer and decided to take a sample of the problem back to Rome forsaking Cleopatra in Egypt, she who got bored, met Caesar, screwed around with him for a while and fell on her asp and died. But that is another story for another time. Great Antony found the biggest berry and the biggest cart. He lined the cart with sheep skins to cradle it against bruises. He added new shocks and brake pads to the cart and sent his army ahead to smooth and pave the road lest the huge grape be damaged and drip its contamination along the way and further spread the dreaded plague. The grape came from a vinyard belonging to Anathea who had just lost her beloved brother to the hangman on a false charge of horsetheft...but that is another story for another time.Anathea was proud that that her vinyard had produced the greatest grape of them all and insisted on accompanying it to Rome. She had her heart set on acting career as well and that just wasn't going to happen in the Lower Valley with the emir and the crocodiles and all. So...where was I?...Oh yes. For twenty days and twenty nights they rolled the cart carefully over hill and dale through desert and swamp past farms and barren fields on their way to Rome. They stopped only to eat and allow the camels to rest. Meanwhile back in the city, word spread of the coming of the huge probably diseased fruit and some abandoned the city in fear. Some locked themselves in their homes hoping to avoid contamination. Others fell into a drunken stupor while still others gave themselves over to orgies and folk festivals seeing that the end was near and there was no hope and all was lost. Meanwhile back at the caravan, Antony approached the city. The gates were locked - at least the one they approached. They went to the next and it too was locked. Said Great Antony "There are twelve gates to the city. Halleleu! Do they expect us to go to each one rolling the cart carrying the great grape while Anathea practices her line - HER ONE LINE over and over???? Anathea had an audition the next day for a Clairol commercial and was practicing tossing her hair and shouting "I love it!" with varied emphases and actions. Anyway, they finally reached an open gate and were met by an angry mob ready to burn the grape and Antony and Anathea and anyone else who got in their way. Great Antony, always the consumate politician, strode to the front of the mob. raised his hands for silence and announced "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to sieze her berry not to praise it!" I have been waiting since 1969 for an opportunity to tell this story. Thank you Alison. (courtesy of Flip Wilson). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 27 Mar 01 - 05:17 PM HMMMM - Have I killed the thread? Sorry folks. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Jeri Date: 27 Mar 01 - 05:24 PM I'm just glad you posted after me! I thought I'd killed it with the Zeus-guessing bit...was expecting a bolt of lightening to come down and zap my computer, but then you posted! Haha! I can't possibly kill the thread since you posted after me! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Morticia Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:00 PM Several Hails and a handful of laurels to the great Sinsull....anyone who would work that hard to deliver that punch line deserves great kudos.......or possibly lynching, I haven't decided yet. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:07 PM Lemmee get this right...........You've been waiting since 1969 to tell THAT? Sins my dear, we need to talk............... Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Matt_R Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:19 PM Did SOMEBODY say "69"? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 27 Mar 01 - 07:22 PM That's "sEize" her berry. Sorry I was so excited at the prospect of getting the line out after all these years. Yeah Spaw. I really have to get a life. Of course, if Kendall or Amos told it, you'd all think it was brilliant. Guess I just can't tell a joke. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,kendall Date: 27 Mar 01 - 07:26 PM It was well told, and worth listening to. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Zeus Date: 27 Mar 01 - 07:30 PM Sinsull, the reason you got your butt singed is, I was enjoying the banter with the Fair one, and you come along and mention my wife! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 27 Mar 01 - 07:43 PM Well I won't interrupt again! HeRuMPH! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: kendall Date: 27 Mar 01 - 07:45 PM OK, who is this philanderer? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 27 Mar 01 - 08:12 PM Zeus, Kendall - Shower of gold, "Leda and the swan" Swan - By the way, someone better tell Annamill to keep her swans out of sight. No need to tempt fate. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Mar 01 - 08:28 PM No Sins....I LIKED IT!!! I'm simply amazed at your perseverance. Besides, if Kendall had waited that long, he'd have forgotten it........unless Gordon Bok sang it perhaps. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:08 PM good joke Sins.. come over here.. and I'll share my chocolate with you.. it'll make you feel better....... Zeus I need a few more clues.... 'cos the Zeus I thought I was flirting with isn't you.....lol....... won't stop me though.... lol Bachhus we need more wine...............
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Matt_R Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:12 PM It's probably kendall. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: MMario Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:13 PM More wine? we've gone through three tanker truckloads already! And that doesn't count the other stuff people brought, or the vat from the grape stompin'. Time to start putting the pine resin in to slow people down, I guess. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Lonesome EJ Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:20 PM Ah Boy, what a day old bacchus has had in the salt mine. Nothing would fix me up like a brimming beaker of freshly stomped wine and a nymph sandwich. Anyone for scrabble ? Man, is Uncle Zeus still flinging them bolts around? What a frigging attitude... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: alison Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:22 PM I'd play Bacchus....... but I don't have any good letters left...... I could murder a sandwich though.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Noreen Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:29 PM A nymph sandwich sounds interesting... count me in... :0) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Lonesome EJ Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:31 PM OK.. pass the olive oil. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Matt_R Date: 27 Mar 01 - 10:52 PM Can I have a nymph sandwich with Norrie in it? Mmmmm yummy! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Roger the Skiffler Date: 28 Mar 01 - 03:09 AM ...sorry, I was quietly meditating under a tree trying to get in touch with my equine side, or my Centaur half. I don't eat hay, only human food and drink, but the roses and rhubarb are going to do very well this year. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 28 Mar 01 - 03:58 AM doh Roger STOP that... pulls the cork of a flagon of Old Speckled Hen and takes a swig... E:) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 28 Mar 01 - 11:19 AM Matt! No nymph sandwiches for you! We need you in tact for the sacrifice. When IS the sacrifice? Bacchus is off snorkeling in the grape juice. Does he know how late it is?THWAAAAACK! Zeus is pissed. With all that nagging I must sound like his wife...THWAACK...THWAAAAACK... sizzle Great now the polyester is permanently melted to my form. SIGH I hate these festivals. And to make matters worse Max is forming a Greek chorus with Dion and the Belmonts, Tommy Roe, and the Journeymen. Pure torture. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 28 Mar 01 - 11:22 AM (and in the distance is heard) "Kumbaya,my Lord Doowop Doowop.Kumbaya my lord.Doop Weeeooooo. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 28 Mar 01 - 11:26 AM BBBRRRAAAAWWWWMMMMPPPP.........aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh................ ...Sorry.....Just a little "Spring Cleaning" so to speak...........Must be the grapes............ Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Matt_R Date: 28 Mar 01 - 11:28 AM Well Bacchus sure is taking his sweet time! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: MMario Date: 28 Mar 01 - 11:46 AM Bacchus will wipe no nymph before her time no - that's not itBacchus will tie no nymph before she whines!
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Lonesome EJ Date: 28 Mar 01 - 12:24 PM Actually, it's "Bacchus will bite no nymph unless she's fine". Alright, everyone. Bacchus is a bit hungover, but I feel that I'm competent to conduct this virgin sacrifice anyway. Done it so many times I could do it in my sleep. OK, everyone. Let's gather round the Holy Giant Amphora of Diana. Where's the Sacrifice? He's what? Well drag him over here and bedeck him in that white robe there. Alrighty then, let's begin.
"Higgamus hoggamus Anyone have anything to say before we christen the lad? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: kendall Date: 28 Mar 01 - 12:34 PM Maybe it's the real Zeus, Matt? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: MMario Date: 28 Mar 01 - 12:54 PM Just in time for him to go to faire with all those wenches around too! Matt - gird (or should it be un-gird) thy loins and make ready! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 28 Mar 01 - 04:00 PM Hold it! Hold it! I thought Mickus Maximus and Tawdrius Spaw had to officiate at this? Kendall - you're supposed to be wearing a toga not a kilt! And what the hell is this crap???? "Higgamus hoggamus Woman's monogamous Hoggamus higgamus Man is polygamous...the Spirits are about to speak" You have got to be kidding! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: kendall Date: 28 Mar 01 - 04:05 PM That trick never works Bullwinkle |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: MMario Date: 28 Mar 01 - 04:06 PM Considering the amount of wine Bacchus has had - I do believe it is the spirits speaking. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 28 Mar 01 - 04:38 PM bULLWINKLE???tHIS IS A bACCHANALIA NOT mINOAN BULL LEAPING, YOU cRETAN! oHHHH MIXING WINE AND jACK dANIELS WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA. i THNK i'LL LIE DOWN IN THE CLOVER WITH ROVER. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Matt_R Date: 28 Mar 01 - 04:59 PM So...um...I'm WHAT, exactly? In a state of suspended semi-virginity? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 28 Mar 01 - 08:25 PM What the hell is "Semi-Virginity?" I mean I got a few ideas here but ain't that a lot like not inhaling? Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 28 Mar 01 - 08:30 PM Or being somewhat pregnant? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: kendall Date: 28 Mar 01 - 08:36 PM thats CRETIN, with an i, not an a. You need to sleep it off. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 28 Mar 01 - 08:43 PM You, of all people, missed the pun. Not Cretin (idiot) but Cretan (man from Crete). Remember? The maze? The bull? Theseus and Ariadne? All connected to Bullwinkle! Oh hell! This party sucks. The virgin's still alive and still a virgin. I've lost two togas, a polyester pants suit, and a game of Scrabble. I'm calling it a night. Goodnight all. See you next year. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: kendall Date: 28 Mar 01 - 09:16 PM You are right, I did miss it. I'm not on the top of my form these days. Feeling a bit unnecessary. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: SINSULL Date: 28 Mar 01 - 09:20 PM Oh all right Kendall. We'll let you be the virgin this year! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 28 Mar 01 - 09:40 PM I dunno' Sins.....Ain't that kinda' like trying to stuff the egg back up the chicken? Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Bill D Date: 28 Mar 01 - 09:42 PM "Carry Me Back to Old Virginity" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Matt_R Date: 28 Mar 01 - 10:52 PM Don't worry Sins, I got it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 29 Mar 01 - 04:04 AM Awww... Sins... I think you left out a minotaur of detail, probably why it flew over some people's heads... Sits under her tree, contemplates, and ponders overs higgamous hoggamous.. .what the? Ella |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: kendall Date: 29 Mar 01 - 08:41 AM Actually, I had trouble reading that post Sinsull. As you often say "Damn caplocks" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 29 Mar 01 - 08:53 AM If WyoWoman is going grape picking in Crete this Autumn she ought to come over here and get some practice in. (Have they warned her about drinking the raki do you think?).RtS (vital statistics: 42;33;14 hands. Do they have palamino Centaurs? Then I could work in the old joke: any palayourso is a palamino. Better not, I might end up a gelding.). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:45 AM I seem to be lost. Can someone direct me to the folk music website? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: catspaw49 Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:48 AM Sure man, no problem!! You can see it from where you are.....Just get your head outta' your ass and you'll see its right here too. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Ella who is Sooze Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:49 AM ohhhhh knackers... GUEST... We're having fun... lol
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Morticia Date: 29 Mar 01 - 11:28 AM Rog....I have two words for you....glue factory! *BG* We appear to be up to our collective arses in nymphs, shepherds and Gods of various persuasions, surely someone can relieve Matt of his unwanted virginity? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: GUEST Date: 29 Mar 01 - 11:33 AM arses and virginity in the same sentence - this is definately worrying |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: hesperis Date: 29 Mar 01 - 12:13 PM (This is also getting long... new thread, please?) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Lonesome EJ Date: 29 Mar 01 - 12:43 PM Sorry about the slip-shod ceremony. I'm the first to admit it lacks the sort of mystery and grandeur usually associated with that kind of thing. But I am a relatively minor deity after all, you know. I do have, however, high hopes of being admitted to the Olympic Pantheon at the Annual Convention this coming May. I might even get my own constellation. It's a rather fuzzy one at the southern end of the sky, visible only from August 12 through the twenty-eighth, but it beats having my name associated only with debauchery and orgies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: JudeL Date: 29 Mar 01 - 12:56 PM What's this about a fuzzy one - we're back to micca's hip flask again - or is it the goat legs |
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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2 From: Noreen Date: 29 Mar 01 - 01:25 PM For the next exciting instalment... merrily, merrily click we here...BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 3 |