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BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies

Lonesome EJ 29 Mar 01 - 09:26 PM
Midchuck 29 Mar 01 - 09:41 PM
CarolC 29 Mar 01 - 10:13 PM
John Hardly 29 Mar 01 - 10:30 PM
Amos 29 Mar 01 - 10:34 PM
MMario 29 Mar 01 - 10:38 PM
Lonesome EJ 29 Mar 01 - 10:47 PM
catspaw49 29 Mar 01 - 10:51 PM
SINSULL 29 Mar 01 - 10:52 PM
Bert 29 Mar 01 - 10:53 PM
Lonesome EJ 29 Mar 01 - 11:00 PM
MMario 29 Mar 01 - 11:07 PM
SINSULL 29 Mar 01 - 11:08 PM
Justa Picker 29 Mar 01 - 11:34 PM
catspaw49 29 Mar 01 - 11:38 PM
Bert 29 Mar 01 - 11:38 PM
Justa Picker 30 Mar 01 - 12:12 AM
wysiwyg 30 Mar 01 - 12:35 AM
Seamus Kennedy 30 Mar 01 - 01:06 AM
alison 30 Mar 01 - 02:02 AM
Chip2447 30 Mar 01 - 02:03 AM
GUEST,sledge 30 Mar 01 - 03:24 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 30 Mar 01 - 03:44 AM
Linda Kelly 30 Mar 01 - 04:07 AM
JudeL 30 Mar 01 - 04:32 AM
GUEST,Fibula Mattock 30 Mar 01 - 05:02 AM
Grab 30 Mar 01 - 09:04 AM
Peter T. 30 Mar 01 - 09:29 AM
JulieF 30 Mar 01 - 09:55 AM
Kim C 30 Mar 01 - 10:02 AM
GUEST,Patrish 30 Mar 01 - 10:34 AM
RWilhelm 30 Mar 01 - 10:57 AM
Naemanson 30 Mar 01 - 12:15 PM
Kim C 30 Mar 01 - 12:17 PM
Jim Dixon 30 Mar 01 - 12:26 PM
Naemanson 30 Mar 01 - 12:35 PM
Don Firth 30 Mar 01 - 12:51 PM
Morticia 30 Mar 01 - 01:10 PM
Willie-O 30 Mar 01 - 01:43 PM
Linda Kelly 30 Mar 01 - 02:11 PM
Jim Dixon 30 Mar 01 - 02:23 PM
Linda Kelly 31 Mar 01 - 04:27 AM
Bat Goddess 31 Mar 01 - 11:04 AM
The Walrus 31 Mar 01 - 11:51 AM
Linda Kelly 31 Mar 01 - 12:00 PM
Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) 31 Mar 01 - 05:04 PM
Morticia 31 Mar 01 - 06:00 PM
Lonesome EJ 01 Apr 01 - 12:04 AM
GUEST,Seth from China 01 Apr 01 - 12:30 AM
JennieG 01 Apr 01 - 01:35 AM
GUEST 01 Apr 01 - 06:32 AM
wysiwyg 01 Apr 01 - 08:53 AM
lady penelope 01 Apr 01 - 10:38 AM
The Walrus 01 Apr 01 - 11:46 AM
Jim Dixon 01 Apr 01 - 12:27 PM
RWilhelm 01 Apr 01 - 02:15 PM
Jim Dixon 01 Apr 01 - 02:36 PM
GUEST,Jude 01 Apr 01 - 03:05 PM
Jim Dixon 01 Apr 01 - 04:12 PM
Rick Fielding 01 Apr 01 - 04:29 PM
Rollo 01 Apr 01 - 05:03 PM
Lonesome EJ 02 Apr 01 - 01:11 AM
wysiwyg 02 Apr 01 - 02:00 AM
Grab 02 Apr 01 - 08:13 AM
Kim C 02 Apr 01 - 10:52 AM
LR Mole 02 Apr 01 - 11:08 AM
JudeL 02 Apr 01 - 12:21 PM
Mrrzy 02 Apr 01 - 01:41 PM
GUEST,petr 02 Apr 01 - 01:59 PM
wysiwyg 02 Apr 01 - 02:24 PM
Bardford 02 Apr 01 - 03:06 PM
Peter T. 02 Apr 01 - 03:31 PM
Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) 02 Apr 01 - 11:17 PM
M.Ted 03 Apr 01 - 04:11 AM
sledge 03 Apr 01 - 04:45 AM
JudeL 03 Apr 01 - 04:54 AM
Wolfgang 03 Apr 01 - 05:30 AM
GUEST,Ickle Dorritt 03 Apr 01 - 06:00 AM
Liz the Squeak 03 Apr 01 - 06:06 AM
GUEST,Seth(really a member) from China 03 Apr 01 - 09:01 AM
Bert 03 Apr 01 - 09:05 AM
Lonesome EJ 09 Mar 02 - 12:46 AM
sledge 09 Mar 02 - 02:06 AM
C-flat 09 Mar 02 - 03:01 AM
RangerSteve 09 Mar 02 - 06:45 AM
DonMeixner 09 Mar 02 - 08:04 AM
Lonesome EJ 09 Mar 02 - 12:25 PM
Midchuck 09 Mar 02 - 01:21 PM
Little Hawk 09 Mar 02 - 01:38 PM
Little Hawk 09 Mar 02 - 01:46 PM
cyder_drinker 09 Mar 02 - 02:12 PM
Jim Dixon 09 Mar 02 - 02:32 PM
Lonesome EJ 09 Mar 02 - 03:06 PM
Coyote Breath 09 Mar 02 - 03:48 PM
Lonesome EJ 09 Mar 02 - 04:26 PM
wysiwyg 09 Mar 02 - 04:26 PM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Mar 02 - 04:32 PM
Little Hawk 09 Mar 02 - 07:31 PM
leprechaun 09 Mar 02 - 10:17 PM
C-flat 10 Mar 02 - 04:24 AM
Liz the Squeak 10 Mar 02 - 09:03 AM
GUEST,Pixie 10 Mar 02 - 09:33 AM
Penny S. 10 Mar 02 - 11:31 AM
Nigel Parsons 10 Mar 02 - 11:38 AM
sophocleese 10 Mar 02 - 11:49 AM
Wincing Devil 10 Mar 02 - 12:02 PM
Little Hawk 10 Mar 02 - 12:03 PM
Nigel Parsons 10 Mar 02 - 12:24 PM
Joe_F 10 Mar 02 - 08:06 PM
Desdemona 10 Mar 02 - 10:02 PM
GUEST,T-boy 11 Mar 02 - 10:22 AM
Little Hawk 11 Mar 02 - 02:15 PM
Liz the Squeak 11 Mar 02 - 07:38 PM
Little Hawk 11 Mar 02 - 07:50 PM
SINSULL 12 Mar 02 - 11:55 AM
SINSULL 12 Mar 02 - 11:56 AM
Jim Dixon 12 Mar 02 - 03:47 PM

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Subject: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 09:26 PM

#1. No crime can be solved without the detective first going to a strip joint.

#2. In any military film, the innocent kid who has a picture of his cheerleader best girl and reads aloud his letters from Mom and Dad, is bound to die in the first battle.

#3. Any sports team composed of losers, mal-contents, and neurotics is a cinch to win the championship.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Midchuck
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 09:41 PM

The hero can always sprint to cover when he's under fire with full automatic weapons, and not get hit even once. (If the bad guys are firing individual rounds, this is believeable - but the whole idea of full auto is, you don't have to be a good shot, you just spray the area, and you'll score a few times just by the law of averages - even if you're the bad guy.)

In any fight in a martial arts movie, the smaller person wins. This is a equally dramatic difference from real life.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: CarolC
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:13 PM

**GASP!**

Miss Marple in a strip joint?!?


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: John Hardly
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:30 PM

strings accompany tears


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Amos
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:34 PM

Anyone who laughs too loud will either turn up dead or be revealed to be a duplicitous scoundrel in a little while.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: MMario
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:38 PM

and the corralary to midchucks post - the hero can hit the bad guy with a single shot- even while they are both running for cover - and without pausing to aim.

a single gunshot wound to the abdomen of a villian causes instantaneous death - unless of course there is information to be gained from talking with the villian in which has he/she will linger just long enough to impart all but the most crucial piece of information. The same wound to a hero/ine is merely an inconvenience and slows him/her down for about 30 seconds.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:47 PM

The role of the "plain woman" (ie Jane Eyre) is always played by someone strikingly beautiful, like Helena Bonham Carter, with no make-up

Beautiful young attractive women are attracted to 60-year-old leading men, but not vice-versa

Homely, chubby, and balding men always get the gorgeous girl due to their hilarious and off-beat senses of humor


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:51 PM

Special Rules for B Westerns

The Hero can take an unlimited amount of punishment in a fistfight and at worst have a cut lip.

A Hero's revolver can hold an inlimited supply of ammunition; the villain's holds 6 or less.

If a Hero does not sing and play a guitar, his sidekick must.

All Sidekicks, even with musical ability, must have a humorous character flaw or act goofy.

The "Love Interest" of the Hero must play "hard to get" in the first scene where they interact......after that she is hopelessly in love.

Horses must have names and be smarter with better acting ability than the Hero.

Indians can shoot bow and arrow from horseback at a fleeing stagecoach from 100 yards.......and hit the driver.

Indians can also carry several gallons of kerosene for making the flaming arrows.

It is not considered good form for the Hero to show his shooting prowess too early.

After rain, hail, snow, heat, dust storms, and 800 miles on the trail, the Hero will be "April Fresh," and his hat will be clean and well blocked....the sidekick can be a bit scruffy under any conditions.

***********************

There must be about a thousand of these..........

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:52 PM

First rule of horror/monster/disaster movies - promiscuous girl is always monster bait. Dogs and virgins survive.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Bert
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 10:53 PM

Anyone told to "Stay here" - Wont!


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 11:00 PM

Pursuing monsters are extremely slow, but always catch their victims due to the fact that said victims generally trip and fall continually

Children in movie families are always infinitely wiser than their parents


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: MMario
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 11:07 PM

Danger signs:

1)one character says to the other - "Trust me"

2)an unknown life form is listed as "harmless"

3)you are a security guard on a Star Trek away team


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 11:08 PM

Or wearing a red shirt on an original Star Trek episode.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Justa Picker
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 11:34 PM

Computer geeks and hackers, can hack into ANY system no matter how secure, within a matter of a few key strokes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 11:38 PM

Special Rules for Racing Movies

Stock footage used in crash scenes does not have to match the cars or even the type of racing being done.

Tire squealing is mandatory regardless of track surface. This includes desert racing.

At least one crash scene must include the death of a lovable character; at least one crash scene must include fire. Bonus points awarded if the lovable character burns to death.

Everyone at the track can see the reason the car is about to crash for several laps prior to it, although the driver can never feel it.

The Hero can win the last race of the film with 2 wheels missing, only one gear left in the tranny, a blown engine, flames pouring out of the engine compartment, and the steering wheel missing. The only necessity is a determined look of sheer courage.

Real drivers being used as extras are allowed to simply stand in one spot and deliver a line that has never passed their lips in real life. An embarassed look, though discouraged, is inevitable.

Formula One movies must include characters patterned after Enzo Ferrari and Jimmy Clark.

Stock Car movies must include characters patterned after Banjo Mathews, Curtis Turner, Smokey Yunick, and Junior Johnson.

Drag Racing movies must have characters patterned after Don Garlits, Connie Kalitta, and Ronnie Sox.

American Open Wheel racing movies must have characters patterned after AJ Foyt, Bill Vukovich, Gary Bettenhausen, and the entire Unser family.

**********************************************************

I got a few hundred of these too, but they need broken down by time periods.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Bert
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 11:38 PM

Yer right JustaP. AND they can read hex dumps at scrolling speed.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Justa Picker
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:12 AM

- kicking or slapping a jukebox, will always play the song.

- alarm and security systems can be quickly disabled via laptop with wireless connection.

- blue collar workers are always abusive to family members.

- if a required piece of technology or urgently needed medical cure does not exist, it will, by the end of a Star Trek episode

- a nuclear meltdown or blast, will always be averted with 1 to 007 seconds remaining before the detonation.

- in a scene where the actors must diffuse a crisis and there are only 15 seconds to do so, there will be 25 - 30 seconds of dialogue.

- That in the beginning Oliver Stone made compelling films. Now, he just makes "home movies" with large production budgets.

- That only Charlton Heston can be God's second in command.

- That anyone can play mobsters as good as Robinson, Cagney, and Steiger.

- that Brad Pitt will lose whatever speaking accent he's using within the first 4-5 scenes.

- that Clint Eastwood's portrayal of pain, is the subtle cocking of one eyebrow.

- that one can have an ongoing conversation while driving a car, directly looking at the person beside them, and never have an accident or veer off the road. (Same applies to people necking while driving.)

- that Christopher Walken always gets to play himself, regardless of the role.

- that you could feed a family of 4 at MacDonalds, for what you pay for a regular popcorn, extra butter, and a large soda.
- as the movie starts, a family of 5 will sit in the vacant seats directly in front of you, with the largest obstructing your full view of the screen.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:35 AM

1. The woman with Victim Hair must get it, in the first 12 minutes, usually in an act involving sexual sadism just barely repressed enough to make an R rating.

2. No matter how unlikely in terms of the plot, the perp must be the better-known actor in a scene involving unknowns as the other possible suspects.

3. No matter the danger, if a name actor has received billing as a main player, s/he cannot be killed until nearly the end, if at all, and if death appears to have occurred, it must be just a faked death for money or to catch a bad guy.

4. If a woman turns her back on the bad guy she just killed, in completely exhausted relief, he must get up again and she or her hero must attempt to kill him all over again.

5. The secret agent's (or detective's) trusted mentor and grizzled supervisor must be dirty, on the take, selling arms, a mole, a double agent, etc. He bad.

6. Sainted mothers (dumpy and ample) must never be the perp. But tightly controlled moms with perfect hair can seldom avoid being nailed in the end.

Don't get me started on priests in movies. But feel free, if the spirit moves you, to have a go yourself!

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 01:06 AM

Bad guys are generally heavy smokers. The villains are crack-shot assassins, but when they shoot at the hero they miss him. Daniel Day-Lewis is the only actor ever to get a Belfast accent right. Around a trail-drive campfire, or in a prison the night before an execution, someone will play the mouth-organ.

All the best. Seamus


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: alison
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 02:02 AM

In horror movies when someone says "I'll be right back"... they WON'T!!!!

also the houses seem to be devoid of light switches / torches/ candles.. so you go chasing the monster / psychotic killer in the dark!!!

in old western bar fights... they can roll over tables, be thrown through window or across the bar... and the goody's hat will always stay on......

in musicals.... someone will nearly always have a barn / hall/ shed... where the show (which would otherwise have to be cancelled) can be put on....

slainte

alison


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Chip2447
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 02:03 AM

A bit off the track, but no one can ever suspect Jessica Fletcher or Ben Matlock as being the "REAL" serial killers. Someone always dies where ever they go.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,sledge
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 03:24 AM

In horror movies

"lets all walk around on our own, in the dark"

"my friends have all been butchered, lets check out that strange noise"

"I can easily defend myself with this small paring knife, providing I dont drop it while falling over"


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 03:44 AM

The banjo never needs tuning, nor does the piano in the middle of the jungle or desert which remains at concert pitch.
The hero, whether he has any bomb disposal experience or not, will always defuse the bomb with a second to spare. The baddie will have provided it with a LED display to make it easier for them but hasn't fitted it with any anti-handling device!
When the hero gets a .38 slug in the shoulder he doesn't have a 12" exit wound, just has his arm in a sling in the next scene with a 2" bloodstain on it. By the following scene he's using both arms to box like Joe Louis.
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 04:07 AM

Fight scenes in alleys ALWAYS contain an unexplicable amount of large empty cardboard boxes which the villain/hero manages to fall through or trash. the hero will always drink bourbon (except 007) -never a shandy or a sweet sherry. Any Hollywood villain will always be some camp English ex Shakespearean actor..


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: JudeL
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 04:32 AM

In early horrors the female lead - never used to say much- but must be able to scream really loudly & faint - oh and couldn't weigh very much so the hero could carry her all over the place - often in only one hand - the other hand being for the weapon that he just happened to have.



female lead - can be in car wrecks, run from burning buildings, ride a horse or even swim & all without messing up her make-up (except for the minor smudge on her cheek that the hero wipes away with his increadibly clean hands, just before he kisses her)or having a hair out of place.

And how can Mrs Marple possible keep her garden so perfectly when 1) she's always going away to solve her mysteries & 2) she's portrayed as having problems bending down etc?

But the mental picture of Mrs. Marple in a Strip Joint is almost surreal


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 05:02 AM

When the computer buffs go to check a database for a suspect, the pictures of all the suspects they have on record will flash up on the screen in succession before beeping and stopping and flashing MATCH on the picture they want. Very computationally efficient.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Grab
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 09:04 AM

Accents: If anyone's got an English accent, they're the bad guy. Or any accent other than standard American, in fact.

Cars: Anyone can downshift, any time, and go faster than the other cars. Even if you're doing 200mph in top gear, shift down to third and you'll go faster, instead of, for example, seeing all 8 valves blow their way out of the engine and through the bonnet.

Cars: Crashed cars always explode on impact. If the hero shoots the villain's car, it will always explode, in spite of the fact that you'd actually need to shoot it with a tracer shell in RL.

Gunshot wounds: Never have exit wounds, unless the F/X guys want to pan around so you can see clear through the hole in question.

Horror: "Hey, there's 6 of us to one of him. Let's split up so he can kill us one by one, instead of ganging up and kicking the crap out of him."

Horror: "Hey, the bad guy's gone into a cellar. Instead of, like, locking the cellar door so he's trapped in there and then calling the cops, let's go down and get killed."

Computers: Must have a nifty graphical interface, instead of a text box or Windows. And they never crash at the critical moment, unless the bad guy is hacking it. And they're always networked, and can always be hacked into when they're on the network.

Graham.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Peter T.
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 09:29 AM

In every American movie, the hero or heroine is applauded by a crowd in the final redemption scene.
The hero and heroine always kiss in public places, and are spontaneously applauded by the crowd.
The pinnacle of success in American movies is the appearance on the cover of major newsmagazines. This is also redemptive.
No starring woman in American movies ever works at a real job, or if she has a job she has infinite free time (Erin Brockovich is an interesting attempt to break free from this, but she spends O time at the office, and is basically insulting to all the people who work).
Everyone who dies in a hospital in an American movie dies beautifully, even if they have things in their noses.
Even supposedly hard hitting "sophisticated" movies like Traffic have pathetic redemptive endings, where the girl gets applauded, the father sees the error of his ways in front of the American people (!), the detective sits at a baseball game musing on life, and a new bug is placed in the home of the evil people. Black people and the Mexicans, except the token good guys sprinkled around, are dark seething masses of poverty and evil. And this is in 2001!!

yours, Peter T.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: JulieF
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 09:55 AM

If the Actor(s) are low on the credits and they appear in the opening scenes of a thriller/ horroe film - they are not going to make it to the end of the film ( probabley not to the end of the scene

Julie


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Kim C
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 10:02 AM

Women with tattoos are always ugly biker chicks. Now if there's any biker chicks here, I'm not implying that all biker chicks are ugly, just the ones in the movies.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 10:34 AM

Anyone in a war movie who shows his mates a picture of his wife and kids doesn't make it to the end of the film.
Every good war film must have Sam Kidd in it
Patrish


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: RWilhelm
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 10:57 AM

In a poker scene no one will have a hand smaller than a full house.

A cute, spunky gal can always get a job, whether she's qualified or not.

A nightclub stage is large enough to hold a swimming pool with a high board or a hundred grand pianos. Dance numbers are choreographed to be viewed from the ceiling


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Naemanson
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:15 PM

In any movie involving computers the good guys always know how to use the programs and are always able to access the data no matter how well it has been protected.

In any movie where the characters go back in time to they are able to easily use the outmoded and out dated computers and technology they find there.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Kim C
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:17 PM

Let's not forget this one, commonly seen in Western movies:

Cowardly Man Pretending To Be Tough tries to get Genuine Tough Guy into a fight, but GTG has too much sense to be budged into such nonsense. CM goes away mad only to come back with a weapon and get his butt kicked, or worse, his pride wounded.

Does anybody remember the thing Alec Baldwin did on SNL a few years back about The Handsome Actor? Great spoof on dumb things that happen in the movies.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:26 PM

Computers always make a noise when something appears on the screen. Warning messages always appear in inch-high letters against a flashing red background while making a repeating raucous noise.

Time bombs always have a digital countdown timer with a large red LED display. Mad bombers always thoughtfully include this feature so that the intended victim/hero will know how much time he has to disarm the bomb.

A computer-controlled bomb (like the one in Aliens) will have a cutoff point in the countdown after which even the person who armed it can no longer disarm it. It will never be explained why this feature was programmed into it, or what law of physics requires it.

In any melodrama (that is, any story with clear-cut good guys and bad guys) there may be a minor character that is part good and part bad. (For example, he may start out good, but will betray the hero in a moment of weakness. Or he may start out evil, but hesitates to carry out his evil boss's ruthless demands.) This character always dies during, or shortly before, the climactic scene. Also, there will be something ironic about his manner of death. (He won't be killed outright but, for example, he might fall into a trap that was meant for the hero.) You might conclude from this that Hollywood hates ambiguity while it LOVES pure evil.

Anyone who dies passes instantly from fully alert consciousness to death, without passing through any intermediate stages like confusion, delirium, unconsciousness, or coma.

Anything a person says on his deathbed will be perfectly intelligible and profoundly meaningful.

The plot development that the director has carefully planned to surprise the audience in the middle of the film will be given away in the trailer. (The trailer is, after all, made by the marketing department of the studio, whose goal is to get you into the theater, not to help you enjoy the film once you're there. Moral: if you want to get maximum enjoyment from a movie, avoid watching trailers.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Naemanson
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:35 PM

Yeah, avoid trailers. I mean, who would have thought they'd sink the ship in Titanic! *BG*


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Don Firth
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:51 PM

Any graduate of Starfleet Academy can access any computer in the galaxy, no matter how alien the technology might be.

Essential monster movie schtick: at some point in the movie, everybody gets the living crap scared out of them, and it turns out to be the family cat.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Morticia
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 01:10 PM

In all musicals, any and all random members of the public know all the steps and all the words in any given dance routine

If the leading man should lead the heroine onto a dance floor, the public will always move to the side and look on with adoration

The heroine never wears trainers or boots and always wears floaty dresses that display perfectly matching kecks.

Staircases are for dancing up and down only

No matter how much energy is put into a song and dance routine, the next person to deliver a line does it without panting for breath

As in the above scenario, even in a desert, no-one gets sweaty.

Gotta love 'em, though.....well, I do anyway.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Willie-O
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 01:43 PM

There are two ways of descending staircases:

  1. Falling down them (this is fatal 100% of the time, and is never an accident)
  2. Sliding down the banister (this is 100% risk-free).

And Kim, I just saw Pushing Tin, in which Angelina Jolie has a rather prominent tattoo. Although she wears black leather and her boyfriend rides a Triumph, her features are not altogether unpleasing...

Willie-O


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 02:11 PM

Hey guys, why are we sitting around reading this thread-Let's go write a movie!


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Mar 01 - 02:23 PM

Anyone stranded in a desert will be seen to sweat profusely. (In real life, desert air is so dry that sweat evaporates instantly, and is never visible. On the other hand, you will sweat profusely after any exertion in a rain forest, even if the temperature is mild, but how often do you see that in movies?)

If you see a gun, it will be used.

If the heroes are any good at playing pool (basketball, horseshoes, whatever) they will have no trouble walking into any bar (gym, playground, whatever) and finding tough guys who are willing to bet enormous amounts of money on a game, and who will try to beat them up after losing.

When it rains, it pours. You never see a light drizzle in a movie. Anyone exposed to rain will be soaked to the skin in a few seconds.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 31 Mar 01 - 04:27 AM

Any nuclear device will always be disarmed within 3 seconds of the detonation time. The pet dog will always survive any earthquake/explosion even if everyone else has died. Any british film is either set in a stately home or a back to back street thats falling down. When the ero needs to make a quick getaway the ignition key never starts!


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 31 Mar 01 - 11:04 AM

Know what you get when you play a slasher movie backwards?

A bunch of people being healed by a chainsaw -- and then they go camping.

Bat Goddess (who can't seem to type a cap 'G' on goddess anymore)


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: The Walrus
Date: 31 Mar 01 - 11:51 AM

The villain is always foreign; if devious, Oriental; if ruthlesslt efficient, German (or these days, Eastern European); sadistic baddies are often Russian/East European; For any of these (and all other major villains) a British (preferably English) actor can be substituted.
A weapon capable of putting a bullet 15 inches into seasoned oak at point blank will be succesfully stopped by cheap furniture.
In a western, the hero can pick off a target at a range several times greater than the effective range of the weapon he is using.
The hero often has "duplex" ammunition, capable of taking out two or more persuing "baddie" extras with one shot. In most screen gunfights (all periods), nobody ever gets hit by "stray" bullets (unless it's to get the hero involved/more committed).
Any dying comment made by a character is relevent to the plot.

Regards

Walrus


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 31 Mar 01 - 12:00 PM

no matter what planet the aliens are from they always communicate in English.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 31 Mar 01 - 05:04 PM

Horror: If you ever get the upper hand on the killer and you have a lethal weapon in your hands (ie. gun, chainsaw, axe, whatever) you must put it down and ht the killer with a chair.
If you have sex, you're dead, period, no breaks, no exceptions, no kidding.


General: Guns rarely run out of bullets. If they do, something big is going to happen while reloading. Same goes for going to the bathroom. Nature only calls at crucial points in the film.


Rich


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Morticia
Date: 31 Mar 01 - 06:00 PM

During a thunder storm, when all the lights have gone out is a GOOD time to investigate the strange noises in the cellar.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 12:04 AM

Cars always explode after going down embankments

Any punch sounds like the back of a shovel hitting a sack of flour

Any karate chop or thrown object swooshes through the air with a sound like jet exhaust


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,Seth from China
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 12:30 AM

Nobody needs change for anything unless it is closely tied to the plot. Nobody pays or tips cabbies, or if they do, they just reach in their pocket and throw him (or her) the first bill they find and run off. House fires don't smoke,or heat. People can run in and out of a house fully involved in flames, rescue people, run up and down stairs, for minutes! without any visible harm, except maybe some soot smudges on face and clothes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: JennieG
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 01:35 AM

The two most over-used lines in movies:
1. "Let's get outta here"; and
2. "Let me look at you" - usually delivered with a sappy look while holding the "you" at arm's length, whether it be small child, lover, ex-lover, dog, etc.
Cheers
JennieG


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 06:32 AM

Any body who is resuscitated from near death injuries in a movie is usualy capable of physical acts within 5 minutes that make you think that, at worst they have cut themselves shaving.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 08:53 AM

People wrap up in sheets after sex. And walk around in them. And never trip on the long trailing part. And also never have too much sheet and must wrap it around and around and around.

Women who wear men's clothing the morning after (his shirt, bathrobe, etc.) always find that no matter how huge the guy is, his clothes are always just one adorably draped size larger than their own. This is apparently why the men never wear their own jammie tops-- they'd be way too tight, so they toss 'em in the Come F*ck Me drawer.

Movie women love to french kiss heavy smokers, and drinkers, and (especially) heroes who have just had to barf due to their sensitive selves seeing an upsetting death.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: lady penelope
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 10:38 AM

Until recently NOBODY locked their car doors, although characters often break into them. (it's not locked.......?) Only two actors in Hollywood are allowed to play any one from south east asia, Dennis Dunn and james Hong. In Britain it's Burt Kwok. And no matter how much lead is flying in the air, no matter how the wind howls, seas rage, blizzards bliz and utterly reagardless of how far it is to the nearest pub, the orchestra will always manage to come in, on time, at the really tragic, tear jerky point.

M'Lady P.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: The Walrus
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 11:46 AM

Solid cast iron cannon balls always explode on impact.

Walrus


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 12:27 PM

People in movies never have to look for parking spaces. There is always a wide empty space right in front of the building they are heading for.

In movies, you can tell when somebody is dead just by looking at them. There is no need to feel for a pulse or anything as sophisticated as that. If bystander says, "He's dead," you can take his word for it. Don't bother asking how he knows.

(Real life, true story: A 20-something-year-old woman I know once told me, in all seriousness, that, the previous evening, she had seen a dead man sitting in a car in a parking lot outside a fast-food restaurant. I asked her, "How do you know he was dead?" She said, "He LOOKED dead.")

People in movies often have sex, but they never talk about having sex, or make any plans to have sex. They just look into each other's eyes and Suddenly Know It's Going To Happen. Then It Happens. Corollary: on the rare occasions when people do talk about having sex, something will prevent them from consummating their plans.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: RWilhelm
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 02:15 PM

No one says goodbye at the end of a phone conversation.

When you enter a house there's no need to close the door behind you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 02:36 PM

Cars in movies don't have rear-view mirrors. Except, of course, when looking in the mirror reveals an important plot development.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,Jude
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 03:05 PM

In movies run down areas even in space stations have leaking pipes and things that drip - it has no-where to go but it still doesn't build up & flood?

In musicals people who sing never forget a line or miss out a verse and they always pitch them pewrfectly every time, and if they play a guitar strings never break or go out of tune even in extreem heat or cold.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 04:12 PM

In movies, if anyone coughs, it means he's going to die.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 04:29 PM

Every rogue cop has a black sidekick who is infinitely hipper than him.

Every Movie Catholic Priest is GOOD.

Every movie Rabbi is even better (and very wise)

Every Movie "Born again" type preacher is corrupt (and usually licentious)

Harvey Keitel plays ONLY crazies and cops (and occasionally crazy cops)

Every Movie biography of a famous person invents a mythical "sidekick". In the thirties, this could have been Oscar Levant, or Adolph Menjou. In the forties, Jack Carson filled the bill. Red Buttons took over in the fifties.

Every British movie star at one time played an American. Some make it work (Jonathyn Price, even Lord Larry was passable) some don't. (poor Richard burton, in Night of the Iguana, or in that other thing where he was a slave -owner)

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Rollo
Date: 01 Apr 01 - 05:03 PM

Machine guns have no backlash, therefore they are to be shot free-handed from the hip. Pistols, on the contrary, have a strong backlash, but it works reverse. This means not the shooter, but the target is pushed back several metres by the power of the shot.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:11 AM

Arnold Schwarzenneger will always make a humorous, sarcastic, double-meaning comment to the bad guy he's about to kill. (if the guy has a noose around his neck, Arnold will say "If I give you a raise, do you promise to hang around?")

In any horror film scene featuring a single character, if the camera angle switches to show the back of their head, they have only seconds to live

The hero never knows the killer's identity until the hero's wife is home alone and has just curled up with a good book. Hero will not arrive to rescue her until the killer raises his arm for the death blow


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 02:00 AM

Welcome to Mudcat, lady penelope!

And welcome to any other newcomers I missed.

~Susan


And now, another shameless plug for the Mudcat FAQ Thread! No Mysteries Unsolved! Get Your Mudcat HTML Secret Decoder!

IT'S SO EASY--JUST CLICK THIS for Your Free, All-Expenses Paid Mudcat Tour du Jour!


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Grab
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:13 AM

Oops, forgot the perspiration thing. Anyone doing serious exercise (running, walking in the jungle, etc) doesn't sweat from their body. Instead, they only sweat from their head, which makes it look EXACTLY like someone's poured a bit of water over their head and it's dripped down their front - the rest of their T-shirt is always completely dry.

Graham.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Kim C
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:52 AM

Willie-O, I haven't seen that movie... but if you are perchance talking about her very large and ugly "Billy Bob" tattoo... well... let me just say that she ought to have enough money to get a decent tattoo. She and Melanie Griffith both. Melanie's "Antonio" on her arm looks like a gang tattoo. Whatever.

Have you ever noticed in Westerns that a guy can ride up to any ranch, leave his tired horse, and just take a new horse without anyone's knowledge or permission? And not get chased for horse stealing?


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: LR Mole
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 11:08 AM

Any musical instrument if fumbled with appealingly by the leading man, produces wonderful effects, and can then be mislaid. The only exception to this is the piano (probably because it's difficult to mislay), which can be moodilly chorded, potted-palm style, by said leading man, or the sidekick if the L.M. has to sing. Women only make music as a pretext to seduction. Oh, wait, this is the MOVIES...


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: JudeL
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:21 PM

Women who cry don't get a red nose or blotchy cheeks and the hero just happens to have a hanky, and their makeup is still perfect, except for Goldie Horn when she's trying to be funny whose mascara runs while the rest of it is atill perfect

All pet owners can understand every noise their animal makes and instantly knows what to do.

if someone starts choking in a restaraunt- there's always someone who cures them instantly using the Heinrich Manoever, and they never break or even bruise a rib!


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:41 PM

If a woman throws up, even if it is clearly from food poisoning or something, she's pregnant.

If anyone mentions 9 months, no matter how obstruse the context, somebody is pregnant, probably the lead woman.

(This might be more true for TV than movie mysteries but it's a real rule on TV) - Ignore the clues, count the lines. The person with the most lines in the first 5-10 mn (or who has the spurious conversation that has nothing to do with either plot or character development) is going to be The Killer. This works for Matlock, Murder She Wrote (which taught it to me), Law & Order, In The Heat of the Night (show, not movie), Magnum PI, you name it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,petr
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:59 PM

no matter how badly the hero gets beat up in a fight (especially a western) he only winces later when a beautiful woman is cleaning his wounds.

whenever theres a car chase theres always a donkey cart with vegetables and fruits asking to get knocked over.

a cup of coffee or a splash of cold water in the face will render even the most inebriated character stone cold sober.

actually theres a website www.moviecliches.com for all of the above.

It reminds me of a James Thurber (I think) story where a lion pursues an antelope over a cliff and as they tumble down they burst into flames.

Petr


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 02:24 PM

The first time someone with an injury gets hugged in compassion, it will hurt the affected part and they will wince for more sympathy. After that, though, that part is insensible to pain.

Mouths torn from domestic abuse never prevent the victim from smiling.

No one ever seems to need their jaw wired after a fight, since that would preclude intelligible dialog.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Bardford
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:06 PM

At some point in the movie, usually at the end, the misfit protagonist will be accepted by the cool/tough adversary:
"Hey, kid...", pause,"You're okay."

Also, a British film should have a crane shot at the end of the film as the credits roll - this shot will be a street scene, usually with a parade, dancing, jugglers and everyone in the cast.

And it's not a Canadian TV movie unless Gordon Pinsent is in it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Peter T.
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:31 PM

When it snows in the city in any film it is white and puffy, and clumps adoringly. (And comes out of a machine)

If it is winter, and in the city, there has to be a Christmas tree buying scene, which will be adorable (together), or dragging (apart).

Policemen in interrogation scenes drink coffee out of styrofoam cups. They do not use their own favourite mug.

When looking through mug shot files, the witness has to go through 8 hours and every book, and only in the last book, on page 350, is the person.

Nobody ever works on the docks. They are always empty, and full of people getting killed.

If the hero goes to see the owner of the bar/restaurant/ he is always in the back room. The hero always has to beat up someone to get into or out of the back room.

The most important witness is always left alone for at least 15 seconds.

In Westerns no one is ever seen putting on or taking off their spurs. They will often get off their horse wearing spurs, and go into the bar with them off, without any time in between.

yours, Peter T.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 02 Apr 01 - 11:17 PM

The lead characters will jump out of a plane, land in a river, wrestle a monster/crocodile/elf/alien , do 12 cartwheels through a tornado, and moments later, their hair will be perfect.

Any woman rendered naked, will have her hair land perfectly so to cover her breasts and will stay covered, regardless of weather.

Rich


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: M.Ted
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:11 AM

The minute that someone is alone in a parking structure, they are either beaten, run over, or both.

Women wake up in full make-up, with their hair done.

People always turn off the radio immediately upon hearing that the killer or psychopath has escaped.

Even though twenty cars were wrecked and several bad guys were killed, no one knows about it except for the over the top detective's supervisor, who threatensto remove him from the case because he is "getting too emotionally involved"


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: sledge
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:45 AM

The spouse of a lead charecter if played by an unknown or little known actor is usually going to die, soon.

Space ships make lots of noise, even in total vacume.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: JudeL
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:54 AM

Cab drivers always know, exactly where to take people - they never have to check where on the street it is.

Hero's also have that perfect sense of direction that lets them get exactly where they need to be even if they were dumped in the middle of a desert , with no map, compass, etc.

conversely often the only reason the dizzy blond doesn't get killed by the baddie in the first 5 minutes is cos she got lost and wasn't where the killer expected her to be.
Jude


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Wolfgang
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 05:30 AM

If there is a scientific dispute, the minority position always turns out to be right.
If a scientist disagrees on his own field of expertise with a lay person, say a farmer or a nurse, then inevitably the scientist is wrong. Rare exceptions are allowed if the lay person is a politician.
Professors are either mad or continuously absent-minded. The first ones get killed (preferably by their own devices or creatures) the second ones get married (but are the last person to know that).

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,Ickle Dorritt
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 06:00 AM

Everyone who eats in a restaurant never spills anything on the table cloth or down their front unless it is intrinsic to the plot.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 06:06 AM

There's never a wet patch to sleep in, they never need any KY jelly, no one ever farts in bed and they never have to stop to put a condom on.... Neither do they get those lovely slobbery body farts when two sweaty bodies part company.

When they come in out of the perpetual torrential downpour, they dry out in a matter of seconds (like just stepping through the front door) and they never look like drowned rats with stringy hair and a runny nose. And their glasses never steam up.

Never go back when someone says 'oh wait, I left something in my room' because you KNOW that there is something there that will hurt you.....

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,Seth(really a member) from China
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 09:01 AM

If there is a car chase, look out if you have an outdoor vegetable stand, 'cause it's going down. Wouldn't it be great if the owner of the vegtable stand had a gun himself, so the next time a chase comes through his cantaloupes, he could shoot back! If you have a helicopter, and the lead character is not riding in it, you might as well give it up, because it's going down too, in some kind of fiery explosion. No way you can escape that one. I saw a movie where one was brought down with a .38 round!


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Bert
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 09:05 AM

Here's a real life story for ya Seth. When I worked in Saudi Arabia, we had one of our helicopters brought down by a kid throwing a stone. It hit the tail rotor and knocked it out of balance, they had to make an emergency landing.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 12:46 AM

I love this stuff.

Arnold Schwarzenneger can now play any role and no mention is made of his accent or weight-lifter physique. He usually has a name like "Ken Robinson".

In World War 2 dramas, the Germans always speak with German accents, even when they talk to each other.

Gay men are always loveably daft, but sincere.

If the camera follows a woman as she walks to her car, she'll usually be attacked as she unlocks the door. If she does get inside, theirs a strangler in the back seat.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: sledge
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 02:06 AM

Movie paramedics efforts usually seem confined to poking the victim a few time with fingers, followed by the announcement that said victim is dead.

Sledge


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: C-flat
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 03:01 AM

Warehouses and docksides are always full of empty cardboard boxes.If a car chase gets as far as the dock it will inevitably hit the water.When escaping an attacker/burning building always make for the fire stairs and head UP.Cowboys never need the toilet.Great observations in this thread! As Mickey Rooney might say..."Let's do the show right here!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: RangerSteve
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 06:45 AM

Ancient Rome: Rich people have cultured British accents. Slaves have American accents. There are no working class people in ancient Rome.

Car chases are always down hill. Especially in San Francisco. The drivers of cars that get hit are never injured. They just get out of their cars and survey the damages and throw their arms up in the air. No one pays for those damages. The chase scene always ends in a warehouse district.

When someone realizes that his evil deeds are going to get him arrested and disgraced, as he gets ready to do the right thing and commit suicide, his stereo is playing the opening music to Carmina Burana, or something equally powerful.

I have never heard on the radio:"We interupt this program for an important bulletin". In movies, this happens as soon as you turn the radio on. And in 14 years of law enforcement, no one has ever said "calling all cars".


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: DonMeixner
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 08:04 AM

The bad guy always gets the drop on the good guy and instead of blowing him away yammers on about why the good guy is such a loser. The godd guy eventually recovers and in a case of incredible secod effort makes to ap the bad giy some how. Usually with the Bowie knife carelessly left under the couch.

The plucky kid either saves the day or turns out to be one of "them".

In "B" westerns the bad guys usually get shot in the hand at some point and are capable of lifting a 12 lLb. Walker Colt or a Dragoon pistol a few scenes later.

The dependable Ford Wagon runs flawlessly until the guys from the Dawn of The Dead or Cujo is attacking.

Don


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 12:25 PM

Before killing the hero who has been accused of the crime, the villain invariably confesses his entire role to the hero, allowing the hidden police to not only save the hero, but witness the confession simultaneously.

When the detective gathers all the suspects together at the end of the mystery and outlines the crime, the guilty party ALWAYS confesses.

The Mystery Wizard (Marple, Holmes, Poirot, Mike Hammer) is ALWAYS surrounded by bumbling, ineffectual cops who thwart the investigation, and may even accuse the MW of involvement.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Midchuck
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 01:21 PM

A guy can dive, or be punched, or even jump a horse, through a glass window with glass flying everywhere, and not have a single cut, much less be losing blood all over and pass out and die within a few minutes if he doesn't get immediate, massive, first aid, as you or I would.

Peter.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 01:38 PM

When bad guys in high places...like roofs, balconies, windows, 2nd floor railings, aircraft, skyscrapers, etc....get shot:

They ALWAYS fall the whole way down to the ground (sometimes with a shriek, sometimes not). They NEVER simply collapse on some convenient horizontal surface where they are when hit. No sir! Even if it would require the skill of an Olympic gymnast, the shot cowboy will somehow loft himself over the railing, so he can fall all the way down to the barroom below, hopefully landing on a flimsy table and smashing it, thus breaking his back as well as getting shot.

If the bad guy gets shot and falls off a building, he generally lands (with a sickening crash) on the roof of a car, which has been conveniently left there to receive him.

REALLY, REALLY bad guys usually need to get shot at least 6 to 35 times, in rapid succession, before they finally die. This is so they can suffer enough to satisfy the audience's hatred of them before biting the big one.

Their hundreds of underlings, on the other hand, are easily despatched with a single bullet each, which never wounds, but always, amazingly, hits a fatal spot.

I wonder how the Romans handled this sort of thing in their plays? In a quite similar fashion, I bet.

One more thing: There is NO world problem so big that the good old USA can't handle it by BLOWIN' SOMETHIN' UP REAL GOOD!!! This is true not only in the movies, but even in real life. One difference though...in the movies it's frequently a group of failures, rejects, and nonconformist weirdos (translation: jerks) who accomplish the BLOWIN' 'EM UP REAL GOOD...whereas in real life it's the well trained personnel of the US Air Force who do it.

Real life is boring most of the time, let's face it.

- LH

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 01:46 PM

Hmmm...seem to be experiencing double vision.

I thought of one more detail. The bad guy who falls off a building onto a car never falls on the hood of the car, the trunk of the car, the fender of the car or any other part except RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOF! He never misses the car entirely either. This is extraordinary. It's as uncanny as the ability of toast to fall buttered side down on the carpet.

There is some mysterious force at work here... :-)

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: cyder_drinker
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 02:12 PM

Any computer monitor in use will project the displayed image onto the user's face.

The world can always be saved by a computer geek, as every operating system - real or imaginary - has the command "UPLOAD VIRUS".

A 650 MB CD-Rom takes less than 5 seconds to burn, and never has a buffer underrun.

All computers, even if they have network cards, make the "modem noise" when they connect to the internet.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 02:32 PM

Private detectives are always smarter and more resourceful than the police. They are more effective at solving crime even though they lack the ability to obtain search warrants, examine confidential police files, question witnesses under oath, and so on.

Any piano player can easily play and carry on a conversation at the same time. (My friend who plays piano calls this the "Dooley Wilson syndrome." DW played Sam in "Casablanca." She says people are always trying to talk to her while she plays.)

Computers and electronic control panels always have an array of tiny lights that flash in a rhythmic, repetitive pattern. (Real life: even when computers did have rows of tiny lights, they didn't flash in this way.)

Sound travels at the speed of light. Anyone who witnesses an explosion, cannon fire, etc., no matter how distant, sees and hears it at the same time. Lightning and thunder occur simultaneously as well.

Electricity (or the lack of it) travels slowly. When an explosion takes out the power plant, the city starts going dark after a couple of seconds delay. If the entire city is visible in an aerial shot, block after block can be seen going dark like a row of dominoes falling.

Space ships, space stations, and other futuristic environments always have sliding partition doors. Sometimes they even slide in a complicated way, opening up like an iris, for instance. (In real life, the technology for building sliding doors has been around for a long time. If sliding doors are clearly superior, as science fiction set designers have been telling us for years, why haven't all our doors been replaced by sliding doors by now?)

No one ever has any inkling that a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on her/him until she/he accidentally walks in on them in the bedroom, finding them naked and "in a heap." Adultery is never discovered any other way.

In a dark room, there will always be a small crack of light somewhere that will light up the actor's eyes.

(Say, hasn't there been another thread on this topic? I'd swear I've posted some of these before but I can't find them.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 03:06 PM

The fireballs of huge explosions travel at roughly 70 miles per hour. Thus, victims have several seconds to stand terror-stricken as the fireball approaches, or conversely, to seek shelter in a tunnel or building.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Coyote Breath
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 03:48 PM

Yeah like Dante's Peak's pyroclastic flow! Check Mount St Helen for the real world!

Ya know, even well made films seem to depend on these absurdities. If we see these hiccups for what they are, why don't the writers see them too? Could there be a sort of cultural mythology about interactive events? Something which, when we examine it, we see as silly but if we take it in as part of a broader picture, part of the entertainment, we don't notice it? like slang which we can usually understand because of context and jargon which is less understandable because we also don't know the context.

Caught up in the story as we sometimes are, do we really notice these things or do we only "see" them upon reflection? Oh not the really clumsy stuff like having twenty rounds in a "six shooter" but some of the more subtle aspects?

(It is a very cold and windy Saturday here in Missouri and I'm in the mood to "muse".)

CB


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 04:26 PM

Well, Coyote, I think you're on to something. These "unwritten" rules are a form of conceit...a habitual action that defies logic, but makes sense within the illogical world of film, and may even be reassuring by its repetition. If a car chase begins, we expect the cars to crash through the fruit stand, and are disappointed if that doesn't happen. Although we know that explosions are instantaneous and all-encompassing, we accept the conceit that the hero can see the onslaught and avoid it. It is a phenomenon akin to dreaming, where the environment contains a distinct and separate set of rules from waking life, but are consistent within themselves. We may be able to fly, but the method of our flying, however illogical, is consistant.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: wysiwyg
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 04:26 PM

Cello music. Hear that under the action or dialog and death is very, very near.

~Susan


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 04:32 PM

Jim Dixon said:

Space ships, space stations, and other futuristic environments always have sliding partition doors. Sometimes they even slide in a complicated way, opening up like an iris, for instance. (In real life, the technology for building sliding doors has been around for a long time. If sliding doors are clearly superior, as science fiction set designers have been telling us for years, why haven't all our doors been replaced by sliding doors by now?)

At the risk of being a spoilsport in a good thread, we DO have the sliding doors in MANY applications. Grocery stores come immediately to mind.

So why not in homes, you say? I'm sure sliding doors are more expensive to install than your garden-variety swinging door. And there's the cultural lag factor, that people like and expect what they are familiar with, what they grew up with, and so forth. If you're talking about the science fiction far future, you don't can afford to ignore that last one, and probably the first.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 07:31 PM

Yes, sliding doors are more expensive. Period. That's why you don't see too many of them.

"Saving Private Ryan" should get a big hurrah here for violating one of those unwritten rules and showing some far off major explosions at night over Normandy...a silent flash of light, followed a second or two later by the distant reverberation of the explosion. This was realism rarely depicted in the movies.

On the other hand, they kind of fell down on portraying the German army, I felt, in that they were shown constantly bumbling into ambushes and allowing themselves to be slaughtered...hardly typical of the Wehrmacht, generally speaking. But I've said that before.

Which reminds me of another movie stereotype: The "bad guys" (be they Germans, Indians in movies of the 40's and 50's, or whoever...) routinely expose themselves to horrendous losses by ill-considered charges, losing scores or hundreds of their men to a handful of hunkered down cowboys or doughboys...while hundreds more always seem to be available to fill their places. In the meantime, the "good guys" lose 1 or 2 men...and are absolutely devastated about it. This fuels them with a raging thirst to exterminate hundreds more Germans or Indians, and they soon find the opportunity to do so.

This, despite the fact that both WWII Germans and American Indians were ultimately outnumbered by their battlefield opponents on most occasions, and could hardly afford to throw their lives away foolishly.

Mind you, I bet the Nazis' propaganda films were far more ridiculous even than Hollywood's, so we should be thankful for small favours, I suppose.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: leprechaun
Date: 09 Mar 02 - 10:17 PM

Police in movies never have to spend hours writing reports.

They get to slap confessions out of bad guys and the evidence never gets suppressed.

Police are always rude and intimidating when they interview suspects.

The boss is always an asshole.

The hero detective's rank is lieutenant, but he gets to do field work instead of pushing paper.

Movie police go alone into dark buildings full of bad guys, and back-up, tons of it, arrives after all the action is over.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: C-flat
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 04:24 AM

Another thing that's always puzzled me is why, when the injuns attack, are they content to ride around the wagon circle being shot at instead of all rushing one point and getting it over with a fraction of the casualties! Sorry, I mean fatalities, injuns never get wounded, they die instantly whenever any part of their anatomy is hit by any projectile! There also appears to have been a great many whorehouses in the wild-west. Even the smallest, most remote settlement,that wouldn't see a stranger from one month to the next (and when they did they usually wrote a song about it) would have a whorehouse packed with girls hanging over the balconies awaiting the stranger! What do they do between punters?


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 09:03 AM

Whenever anyone is shown digging the garden (yard), they never have mud or soil on their shoes or hands.... Hollywood dirt don't stick.

And they are always planting big lush bushes or leafy plants with lots of flowers in the sun, never trying to wrestle with a stick covered in thorns, in the March/November winds. I've even seen one film where the woman is gaily planting tulip bulbs... how do we know they are tulips? They are in flower!

And they never have to shift 10lbs of cat poo out of the flower bed.

People running down the streets away from the cops or after the baddies, never EVER fall over busted paving slabs, slip on drain covers, tread in dog poo, run into lamposts and bollards or tread in chewing gum.

When they are seen going to the toilet, it doesn't make a noise!

(Incidentally, it will be interesting to watch '24'... supposedly set in real time, how many times will any of them actually go to the toilet?)

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,Pixie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 09:33 AM

Women in B-grade action-adventure movies: a) always dress impractically for the trip b) wear clothes that suffer from severe shrinkage throughout the movie (ie: King Solomon's Mines, for those of us who have had to suffer even partway through the movie) so almost "all" is revealed in the "end"...... c) although these women may be "studious" types, they look like a Playboy center fold (please, no flack that beautiful, well-endowed women can be intelligent.....I happen to be one of them....just joking) d) have long finger nails, wear nine inch stilletos in the jungle, and their mascara never runs e)they sweat in only the most provocative places (suitably revealed by their incredible shrinking clothes) f)always look like they are in a post-coital state of deshabille after a disaster


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Penny S.
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 11:31 AM

Facts here. A man can punch through a glass panel in a front door and not be cut. Fortunately it wasn't my door. But he got away with it - in the wounding sense, so that particular cliche may be grounded in reality. For small panes, that is.

Penny


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 11:38 AM

Sliding doors may look futuristic, but they are not economic.
A sliding door either slides into the wall (requiring thicker walls) or slides in front of a wall, making it unsuitable for hanging pictures, or positioning a boolcase etc.,
Our standard doors open onto the pathway over which the user will pass, and can then be closed without blocking space required for other purposes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: sophocleese
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 11:49 AM

I thought they used sliding doors on space stations, fortresses, etc. because they're stronger and less easily forced than a hinged door.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 12:02 PM

#1 Rule: The BAD GUY IS NEVER DEAD THE FIRST TIME YOU KILL 'EM!

Of course, it's utterly predictable; you yell at them, but they don't hear you!

Wincing Devil


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 12:03 PM

That's probably true, Soph. I might mention that I saw "The Time Machine" yesterday, and it's really quite a good movie with some interesting variations on the original story, and a lot of really beautiful scenes.

I launched a separate thread on it, but absolutely everyone appears to be ignoring that thread for some reason...which is really quite odd (?). Perhaps I should have linked it with William Shatner to get their attention, although he's not in it. That usually seems to work around here.

I have tried before to launch threads which no one would post to...but never with success. Now I launch a serious thread about a good movie, and NO ONE posts to it. I am beginning to think that the inhabitants of this forum are lapsing into senility, dementia, or both. :-)

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 12:24 PM

Little Hawk, What do you mean, "Lapsing into senility or dementia"some of us don't need to lapse!


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 08:06 PM

Everybody is too rich, and everything is too clean.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Desdemona
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 10:02 PM

No-one ever actually eats, or attends to rudimentary household chores. Also, women routinely wake up with all their make-up on & their hair done!


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: GUEST,T-boy
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 10:22 AM

1) If you shoot a cowboy, his horse falls over too (do they think we're stupid or what?). 2)If someone looks thru binoculars, they see two circular fields of view joined in the middle - real bins don't do that, you get one circle in 3-D.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 02:15 PM

The horse is just playing dead, T-boy. Horses are smarter than the average cowboy, so as soon as the shooting starts they do the smart thing and either run away or feign death, providing their rider is incapacitated. The dumb cowpoke on the other hand runs toward the sound of gunfire, and never plays dead until he actually is dead.

This results in a higher survival rate for horses, which is a fine example of natural selection at its very best, ensuring the continuance of the superior species.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 07:38 PM

LH - "The dumb cowpoke on the other hand runs toward the sound of gunfire, and never plays dead until he actually is dead.

This results in a higher survival rate for horses, which is a fine example of natural selection at its very best, ensuring the continuance of the superior species".

which is why cowpokes are always men, and never women.... we ain't that stupid! (*BG*)

LTS - ducking and running for cover......


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 07:50 PM

Ha! You're absolutely right, Liz. Despite being born male (this time around), I have been amazed at the intelligence differential between males and females ever since first grade, men being on the lower end of the scale judging by their general behavior.

I realized right away that human females, like horses, were a superior species, and have been attracted to them ever since! There's nothing like sheer admiration to provide strong motivation... :-)

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 11:55 AM

Little Hawk...are you saying that you are sexually attracted to horses? Be careful, guy. They kick and stand a lot taller than goats or llamas.

Last night I saw Jurassic Park Three (or is it III?) and saw sweaty armpits on T-shirts. A broken rule. Of course, they made up for it by recycling every action scene from I and II. But the "good guy" saved the young boy and inexplicably but predictably survived being eaten by pteradactlys. In all, a giant (hee hee) yawn.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 11:56 AM

sorry - pteradactyls.


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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 03:47 PM


Please continue at BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies II


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This Thread Is Closed.


Mudcat time: 13 May 5:29 AM EDT

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