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BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: JudeL Date: 02 Apr 01 - 12:21 PM Women who cry don't get a red nose or blotchy cheeks and the hero just happens to have a hanky, and their makeup is still perfect, except for Goldie Horn when she's trying to be funny whose mascara runs while the rest of it is atill perfect All pet owners can understand every noise their animal makes and instantly knows what to do. if someone starts choking in a restaraunt- there's always someone who cures them instantly using the Heinrich Manoever, and they never break or even bruise a rib! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: LR Mole Date: 02 Apr 01 - 11:08 AM Any musical instrument if fumbled with appealingly by the leading man, produces wonderful effects, and can then be mislaid. The only exception to this is the piano (probably because it's difficult to mislay), which can be moodilly chorded, potted-palm style, by said leading man, or the sidekick if the L.M. has to sing. Women only make music as a pretext to seduction. Oh, wait, this is the MOVIES... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Kim C Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:52 AM Willie-O, I haven't seen that movie... but if you are perchance talking about her very large and ugly "Billy Bob" tattoo... well... let me just say that she ought to have enough money to get a decent tattoo. She and Melanie Griffith both. Melanie's "Antonio" on her arm looks like a gang tattoo. Whatever. Have you ever noticed in Westerns that a guy can ride up to any ranch, leave his tired horse, and just take a new horse without anyone's knowledge or permission? And not get chased for horse stealing? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Grab Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:13 AM Oops, forgot the perspiration thing. Anyone doing serious exercise (running, walking in the jungle, etc) doesn't sweat from their body. Instead, they only sweat from their head, which makes it look EXACTLY like someone's poured a bit of water over their head and it's dripped down their front - the rest of their T-shirt is always completely dry. Graham. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: wysiwyg Date: 02 Apr 01 - 02:00 AM Welcome to Mudcat, lady penelope! And welcome to any other newcomers I missed. ~Susan
And now, another shameless plug for the Mudcat FAQ Thread! No Mysteries Unsolved! Get Your Mudcat HTML Secret Decoder! IT'S SO EASY--JUST CLICK THIS for Your Free, All-Expenses Paid Mudcat Tour du Jour!
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Lonesome EJ Date: 02 Apr 01 - 01:11 AM Arnold Schwarzenneger will always make a humorous, sarcastic, double-meaning comment to the bad guy he's about to kill. (if the guy has a noose around his neck, Arnold will say "If I give you a raise, do you promise to hang around?") In any horror film scene featuring a single character, if the camera angle switches to show the back of their head, they have only seconds to live The hero never knows the killer's identity until the hero's wife is home alone and has just curled up with a good book. Hero will not arrive to rescue her until the killer raises his arm for the death blow
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Rollo Date: 01 Apr 01 - 05:03 PM Machine guns have no backlash, therefore they are to be shot free-handed from the hip. Pistols, on the contrary, have a strong backlash, but it works reverse. This means not the shooter, but the target is pushed back several metres by the power of the shot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Rick Fielding Date: 01 Apr 01 - 04:29 PM Every rogue cop has a black sidekick who is infinitely hipper than him. Every Movie Catholic Priest is GOOD. Every movie Rabbi is even better (and very wise) Every Movie "Born again" type preacher is corrupt (and usually licentious) Harvey Keitel plays ONLY crazies and cops (and occasionally crazy cops) Every Movie biography of a famous person invents a mythical "sidekick". In the thirties, this could have been Oscar Levant, or Adolph Menjou. In the forties, Jack Carson filled the bill. Red Buttons took over in the fifties. Every British movie star at one time played an American. Some make it work (Jonathyn Price, even Lord Larry was passable) some don't. (poor Richard burton, in Night of the Iguana, or in that other thing where he was a slave -owner) Rick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Jim Dixon Date: 01 Apr 01 - 04:12 PM In movies, if anyone coughs, it means he's going to die. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: GUEST,Jude Date: 01 Apr 01 - 03:05 PM In movies run down areas even in space stations have leaking pipes and things that drip - it has no-where to go but it still doesn't build up & flood? In musicals people who sing never forget a line or miss out a verse and they always pitch them pewrfectly every time, and if they play a guitar strings never break or go out of tune even in extreem heat or cold.
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Jim Dixon Date: 01 Apr 01 - 02:36 PM Cars in movies don't have rear-view mirrors. Except, of course, when looking in the mirror reveals an important plot development. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: RWilhelm Date: 01 Apr 01 - 02:15 PM No one says goodbye at the end of a phone conversation. When you enter a house there's no need to close the door behind you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Jim Dixon Date: 01 Apr 01 - 12:27 PM People in movies never have to look for parking spaces. There is always a wide empty space right in front of the building they are heading for. In movies, you can tell when somebody is dead just by looking at them. There is no need to feel for a pulse or anything as sophisticated as that. If bystander says, "He's dead," you can take his word for it. Don't bother asking how he knows. (Real life, true story: A 20-something-year-old woman I know once told me, in all seriousness, that, the previous evening, she had seen a dead man sitting in a car in a parking lot outside a fast-food restaurant. I asked her, "How do you know he was dead?" She said, "He LOOKED dead.") People in movies often have sex, but they never talk about having sex, or make any plans to have sex. They just look into each other's eyes and Suddenly Know It's Going To Happen. Then It Happens. Corollary: on the rare occasions when people do talk about having sex, something will prevent them from consummating their plans. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: The Walrus Date: 01 Apr 01 - 11:46 AM Solid cast iron cannon balls always explode on impact. Walrus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: lady penelope Date: 01 Apr 01 - 10:38 AM Until recently NOBODY locked their car doors, although characters often break into them. (it's not locked.......?) Only two actors in Hollywood are allowed to play any one from south east asia, Dennis Dunn and james Hong. In Britain it's Burt Kwok. And no matter how much lead is flying in the air, no matter how the wind howls, seas rage, blizzards bliz and utterly reagardless of how far it is to the nearest pub, the orchestra will always manage to come in, on time, at the really tragic, tear jerky point. M'Lady P. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: wysiwyg Date: 01 Apr 01 - 08:53 AM People wrap up in sheets after sex. And walk around in them. And never trip on the long trailing part. And also never have too much sheet and must wrap it around and around and around. Women who wear men's clothing the morning after (his shirt, bathrobe, etc.) always find that no matter how huge the guy is, his clothes are always just one adorably draped size larger than their own. This is apparently why the men never wear their own jammie tops-- they'd be way too tight, so they toss 'em in the Come F*ck Me drawer. Movie women love to french kiss heavy smokers, and drinkers, and (especially) heroes who have just had to barf due to their sensitive selves seeing an upsetting death. ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: GUEST Date: 01 Apr 01 - 06:32 AM Any body who is resuscitated from near death injuries in a movie is usualy capable of physical acts within 5 minutes that make you think that, at worst they have cut themselves shaving. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: JennieG Date: 01 Apr 01 - 01:35 AM The two most over-used lines in movies: 1. "Let's get outta here"; and 2. "Let me look at you" - usually delivered with a sappy look while holding the "you" at arm's length, whether it be small child, lover, ex-lover, dog, etc. Cheers JennieG |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: GUEST,Seth from China Date: 01 Apr 01 - 12:30 AM Nobody needs change for anything unless it is closely tied to the plot. Nobody pays or tips cabbies, or if they do, they just reach in their pocket and throw him (or her) the first bill they find and run off. House fires don't smoke,or heat. People can run in and out of a house fully involved in flames, rescue people, run up and down stairs, for minutes! without any visible harm, except maybe some soot smudges on face and clothes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Lonesome EJ Date: 01 Apr 01 - 12:04 AM Cars always explode after going down embankments Any punch sounds like the back of a shovel hitting a sack of flour Any karate chop or thrown object swooshes through the air with a sound like jet exhaust |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Morticia Date: 31 Mar 01 - 06:00 PM During a thunder storm, when all the lights have gone out is a GOOD time to investigate the strange noises in the cellar. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) Date: 31 Mar 01 - 05:04 PM Horror: If you ever get the upper hand on the killer and you have a lethal weapon in your hands (ie. gun, chainsaw, axe, whatever) you must put it down and ht the killer with a chair. If you have sex, you're dead, period, no breaks, no exceptions, no kidding. General: Guns rarely run out of bullets. If they do, something big is going to happen while reloading. Same goes for going to the bathroom. Nature only calls at crucial points in the film. Rich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Linda Kelly Date: 31 Mar 01 - 12:00 PM no matter what planet the aliens are from they always communicate in English. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: The Walrus Date: 31 Mar 01 - 11:51 AM The villain is always foreign; if devious, Oriental; if ruthlesslt efficient, German (or these days, Eastern European); sadistic baddies are often Russian/East European; For any of these (and all other major villains) a British (preferably English) actor can be substituted. A weapon capable of putting a bullet 15 inches into seasoned oak at point blank will be succesfully stopped by cheap furniture. In a western, the hero can pick off a target at a range several times greater than the effective range of the weapon he is using. The hero often has "duplex" ammunition, capable of taking out two or more persuing "baddie" extras with one shot. In most screen gunfights (all periods), nobody ever gets hit by "stray" bullets (unless it's to get the hero involved/more committed). Any dying comment made by a character is relevent to the plot. Regards Walrus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Bat Goddess Date: 31 Mar 01 - 11:04 AM Know what you get when you play a slasher movie backwards? A bunch of people being healed by a chainsaw -- and then they go camping. Bat Goddess (who can't seem to type a cap 'G' on goddess anymore) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Linda Kelly Date: 31 Mar 01 - 04:27 AM Any nuclear device will always be disarmed within 3 seconds of the detonation time. The pet dog will always survive any earthquake/explosion even if everyone else has died. Any british film is either set in a stately home or a back to back street thats falling down. When the ero needs to make a quick getaway the ignition key never starts! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Jim Dixon Date: 30 Mar 01 - 02:23 PM Anyone stranded in a desert will be seen to sweat profusely. (In real life, desert air is so dry that sweat evaporates instantly, and is never visible. On the other hand, you will sweat profusely after any exertion in a rain forest, even if the temperature is mild, but how often do you see that in movies?) If you see a gun, it will be used. If the heroes are any good at playing pool (basketball, horseshoes, whatever) they will have no trouble walking into any bar (gym, playground, whatever) and finding tough guys who are willing to bet enormous amounts of money on a game, and who will try to beat them up after losing. When it rains, it pours. You never see a light drizzle in a movie. Anyone exposed to rain will be soaked to the skin in a few seconds. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Linda Kelly Date: 30 Mar 01 - 02:11 PM Hey guys, why are we sitting around reading this thread-Let's go write a movie! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Willie-O Date: 30 Mar 01 - 01:43 PM There are two ways of descending staircases:
And Kim, I just saw Pushing Tin, in which Angelina Jolie has a rather prominent tattoo. Although she wears black leather and her boyfriend rides a Triumph, her features are not altogether unpleasing... Willie-O
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Morticia Date: 30 Mar 01 - 01:10 PM In all musicals, any and all random members of the public know all the steps and all the words in any given dance routine If the leading man should lead the heroine onto a dance floor, the public will always move to the side and look on with adoration The heroine never wears trainers or boots and always wears floaty dresses that display perfectly matching kecks. Staircases are for dancing up and down only No matter how much energy is put into a song and dance routine, the next person to deliver a line does it without panting for breath As in the above scenario, even in a desert, no-one gets sweaty. Gotta love 'em, though.....well, I do anyway. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Don Firth Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:51 PM Any graduate of Starfleet Academy can access any computer in the galaxy, no matter how alien the technology might be. Essential monster movie schtick: at some point in the movie, everybody gets the living crap scared out of them, and it turns out to be the family cat. Don Firth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Naemanson Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:35 PM Yeah, avoid trailers. I mean, who would have thought they'd sink the ship in Titanic! *BG* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Jim Dixon Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:26 PM Computers always make a noise when something appears on the screen. Warning messages always appear in inch-high letters against a flashing red background while making a repeating raucous noise. Time bombs always have a digital countdown timer with a large red LED display. Mad bombers always thoughtfully include this feature so that the intended victim/hero will know how much time he has to disarm the bomb. A computer-controlled bomb (like the one in Aliens) will have a cutoff point in the countdown after which even the person who armed it can no longer disarm it. It will never be explained why this feature was programmed into it, or what law of physics requires it. In any melodrama (that is, any story with clear-cut good guys and bad guys) there may be a minor character that is part good and part bad. (For example, he may start out good, but will betray the hero in a moment of weakness. Or he may start out evil, but hesitates to carry out his evil boss's ruthless demands.) This character always dies during, or shortly before, the climactic scene. Also, there will be something ironic about his manner of death. (He won't be killed outright but, for example, he might fall into a trap that was meant for the hero.) You might conclude from this that Hollywood hates ambiguity while it LOVES pure evil. Anyone who dies passes instantly from fully alert consciousness to death, without passing through any intermediate stages like confusion, delirium, unconsciousness, or coma. Anything a person says on his deathbed will be perfectly intelligible and profoundly meaningful. The plot development that the director has carefully planned to surprise the audience in the middle of the film will be given away in the trailer. (The trailer is, after all, made by the marketing department of the studio, whose goal is to get you into the theater, not to help you enjoy the film once you're there. Moral: if you want to get maximum enjoyment from a movie, avoid watching trailers.)
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Kim C Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:17 PM Let's not forget this one, commonly seen in Western movies: Cowardly Man Pretending To Be Tough tries to get Genuine Tough Guy into a fight, but GTG has too much sense to be budged into such nonsense. CM goes away mad only to come back with a weapon and get his butt kicked, or worse, his pride wounded. Does anybody remember the thing Alec Baldwin did on SNL a few years back about The Handsome Actor? Great spoof on dumb things that happen in the movies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Naemanson Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:15 PM In any movie involving computers the good guys always know how to use the programs and are always able to access the data no matter how well it has been protected. In any movie where the characters go back in time to they are able to easily use the outmoded and out dated computers and technology they find there. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: RWilhelm Date: 30 Mar 01 - 10:57 AM In a poker scene no one will have a hand smaller than a full house. A cute, spunky gal can always get a job, whether she's qualified or not. A nightclub stage is large enough to hold a swimming pool with a high board or a hundred grand pianos. Dance numbers are choreographed to be viewed from the ceiling |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: GUEST,Patrish Date: 30 Mar 01 - 10:34 AM Anyone in a war movie who shows his mates a picture of his wife and kids doesn't make it to the end of the film. Every good war film must have Sam Kidd in it Patrish |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Kim C Date: 30 Mar 01 - 10:02 AM Women with tattoos are always ugly biker chicks. Now if there's any biker chicks here, I'm not implying that all biker chicks are ugly, just the ones in the movies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: JulieF Date: 30 Mar 01 - 09:55 AM If the Actor(s) are low on the credits and they appear in the opening scenes of a thriller/ horroe film - they are not going to make it to the end of the film ( probabley not to the end of the scene Julie |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Peter T. Date: 30 Mar 01 - 09:29 AM In every American movie, the hero or heroine is applauded by a crowd in the final redemption scene. The hero and heroine always kiss in public places, and are spontaneously applauded by the crowd. The pinnacle of success in American movies is the appearance on the cover of major newsmagazines. This is also redemptive. No starring woman in American movies ever works at a real job, or if she has a job she has infinite free time (Erin Brockovich is an interesting attempt to break free from this, but she spends O time at the office, and is basically insulting to all the people who work). Everyone who dies in a hospital in an American movie dies beautifully, even if they have things in their noses. Even supposedly hard hitting "sophisticated" movies like Traffic have pathetic redemptive endings, where the girl gets applauded, the father sees the error of his ways in front of the American people (!), the detective sits at a baseball game musing on life, and a new bug is placed in the home of the evil people. Black people and the Mexicans, except the token good guys sprinkled around, are dark seething masses of poverty and evil. And this is in 2001!! yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Grab Date: 30 Mar 01 - 09:04 AM Accents: If anyone's got an English accent, they're the bad guy. Or any accent other than standard American, in fact. Cars: Anyone can downshift, any time, and go faster than the other cars. Even if you're doing 200mph in top gear, shift down to third and you'll go faster, instead of, for example, seeing all 8 valves blow their way out of the engine and through the bonnet. Cars: Crashed cars always explode on impact. If the hero shoots the villain's car, it will always explode, in spite of the fact that you'd actually need to shoot it with a tracer shell in RL. Gunshot wounds: Never have exit wounds, unless the F/X guys want to pan around so you can see clear through the hole in question. Horror: "Hey, there's 6 of us to one of him. Let's split up so he can kill us one by one, instead of ganging up and kicking the crap out of him." Horror: "Hey, the bad guy's gone into a cellar. Instead of, like, locking the cellar door so he's trapped in there and then calling the cops, let's go down and get killed." Computers: Must have a nifty graphical interface, instead of a text box or Windows. And they never crash at the critical moment, unless the bad guy is hacking it. And they're always networked, and can always be hacked into when they're on the network. Graham. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock Date: 30 Mar 01 - 05:02 AM When the computer buffs go to check a database for a suspect, the pictures of all the suspects they have on record will flash up on the screen in succession before beeping and stopping and flashing on the picture they want. Very computationally efficient. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: JudeL Date: 30 Mar 01 - 04:32 AM In early horrors the female lead - never used to say much- but must be able to scream really loudly & faint - oh and couldn't weigh very much so the hero could carry her all over the place - often in only one hand - the other hand being for the weapon that he just happened to have.
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Linda Kelly Date: 30 Mar 01 - 04:07 AM Fight scenes in alleys ALWAYS contain an unexplicable amount of large empty cardboard boxes which the villain/hero manages to fall through or trash.
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 30 Mar 01 - 03:44 AM The banjo never needs tuning, nor does the piano in the middle of the jungle or desert which remains at concert pitch. The hero, whether he has any bomb disposal experience or not, will always defuse the bomb with a second to spare. The baddie will have provided it with a LED display to make it easier for them but hasn't fitted it with any anti-handling device! When the hero gets a .38 slug in the shoulder he doesn't have a 12" exit wound, just has his arm in a sling in the next scene with a 2" bloodstain on it. By the following scene he's using both arms to box like Joe Louis. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: GUEST,sledge Date: 30 Mar 01 - 03:24 AM In horror movies "lets all walk around on our own, in the dark" "my friends have all been butchered, lets check out that strange noise" "I can easily defend myself with this small paring knife, providing I dont drop it while falling over"
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Chip2447 Date: 30 Mar 01 - 02:03 AM A bit off the track, but no one can ever suspect Jessica Fletcher or Ben Matlock as being the "REAL" serial killers. Someone always dies where ever they go. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: alison Date: 30 Mar 01 - 02:02 AM In horror movies when someone says "I'll be right back"... they WON'T!!!! also the houses seem to be devoid of light switches / torches/ candles.. so you go chasing the monster / psychotic killer in the dark!!! in old western bar fights... they can roll over tables, be thrown through window or across the bar... and the goody's hat will always stay on...... in musicals.... someone will nearly always have a barn / hall/ shed... where the show (which would otherwise have to be cancelled) can be put on.... slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 30 Mar 01 - 01:06 AM Bad guys are generally heavy smokers. The villains are crack-shot assassins, but when they shoot at the hero they miss him. Daniel Day-Lewis is the only actor ever to get a Belfast accent right. Around a trail-drive campfire, or in a prison the night before an execution, someone will play the mouth-organ. All the best. Seamus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies From: wysiwyg Date: 30 Mar 01 - 12:35 AM 1. The woman with Victim Hair must get it, in the first 12 minutes, usually in an act involving sexual sadism just barely repressed enough to make an R rating. 2. No matter how unlikely in terms of the plot, the perp must be the better-known actor in a scene involving unknowns as the other possible suspects. 3. No matter the danger, if a name actor has received billing as a main player, s/he cannot be killed until nearly the end, if at all, and if death appears to have occurred, it must be just a faked death for money or to catch a bad guy. 4. If a woman turns her back on the bad guy she just killed, in completely exhausted relief, he must get up again and she or her hero must attempt to kill him all over again. 5. The secret agent's (or detective's) trusted mentor and grizzled supervisor must be dirty, on the take, selling arms, a mole, a double agent, etc. He bad. 6. Sainted mothers (dumpy and ample) must never be the perp. But tightly controlled moms with perfect hair can seldom avoid being nailed in the end. Don't get me started on priests in movies. But feel free, if the spirit moves you, to have a go yourself! ~S~ |