Lyr Req: Lament of...Artificially Inseminated Cow

Subject: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: pavane
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 04:00 AM

The dirge of a frustrated cow after artifical insemination - recorded by Big Theo in the 1960's. Anyone know it? (It was the title song of an album). He also did an LP called Bawdy British Ballads

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: GUEST,its being sold at kashmir records
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 11:26 AM

Bawdy British Ballads

Info Songs of lusty, busty virgins, chastity belts and lewd sex romps Item Condition VG+ Sleeve Condition VG+ Type LP Label Surprise Number ILP 1011 Price 3 UK Pounds

Subject: Lyr Add: LAMENT OF THE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED^^
From: vectis
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 06:45 AM

I have been singing this one for about 30 years and I love it. Ron Spicer's dad used to do it as a recitation, possibly because he didn't have a tune for it.
Ron also suggested that the phrase horrible brass bound syringe be updated to scan disposible plastic syringe. I tried it and it works a treat.
Hope you have as much fun with it as I've had.

LAMENT OF THE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED COW (The Hummock's Lament)
Songwriter ???

Oh! I've just given birth to a cow, Sir.
Of motherly pride I am full.
But please do not laugh and please do not chaff
When I say that it wasn't by a bull; a bull,
When I say that it wasn't by a bull.

The farmyard's the dreariest place, Sir.
And meadows not nearly so gay.
Since the one bit of fun in the year's dismal run
Has by science been taken away; away,
By science been taken away.

I've not been caressed by a bull, Sir.
I've not had the ghost of a binge.
I've never been loved but ruthlessly shoved
By a horrible brass-bound syringe; syringe,
By a horrible brass-bound syringe.

I am sure that you will agree, Sir.
These are things that a cow shouldn't say.
But those dairymaid tarts that play with our parts
Still have it the old fashioned way; away,
Still have it the old fashioned way.

^^

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 08:13 AM

THanks for that. I don't want to sing it, just to prove to someone that it actually exists! Are you going to add to the Database?

Subject: Lyr Add: LAMENT OF THE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 03:46 AM

Guest, I added the ^^ harvesting birdie to show that I harvested the song for the Digital Tradition. Vectis, do you know the true name of the song, or the name of the songwriter?
Here's another version:

THE LAMENT OF THE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED COW (The Hummock's Lament)

I have just given birth to a calf Sir,
And with motherly pride I am full
But please do not chaff and please do not laugh
When I tell you I have not had a bull.

The meadow's the dreariest place ever,
The paddock is no longer gay
For one moment's fun in a year's dismal run
Has by science been taken away.

I haven't had the ghost of a passion
I haven't had the earth of a binge,
I haven't been loved, but mirthfully shoved
With a dirty big brass bound syringe.

You may say that's all very well Sir,
There are some things us cows cannot say,
But those Land Army tarts who play with our parts
Still get it the old fashioned way !!!!

I found it here (click)
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: pavane
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 04:28 AM

Hi, I haven't been here long - what does the 'harvesting birdie ^^' mean then?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: vectis
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 05:21 PM

No idea of what the correct title is. I've always known it as The Hummock's Lament. Hummock being dialect for a cow.
Ron Spicer's last verse is a bit different from mine and goes:
Now you may say thats all very well sir
and there's things that us cows shouldn't say.
yet those herdsmen with tarts that play with our parts
still have it the old fashioned way.
It was Ron that recited it, not George...Sorry!!!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: Joe Offer
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 06:25 PM

Hi, Pavane - the two winged birdie ^^ means that one of the harvesters has "harvested" a song - copied it for inclusion in the Digital Tradition Folk Song Database (click) our collection of some 9,000 folk songs. If a song has the dreaded three-winged birdie with the redundant third wing ^^^, that means the song is already in the Digital Tradition or has already been posted at Mudcat, and the redundancy has been noted.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: Charley Noble
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 07:55 PM

And, Joe, for those impatient types you might also mention that after a song has been "harvested" it does not automatically appear in the current Digital Tradition; my understanding from DG was that the DT that we have before us is only updated once or twice a year.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: pavane
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 03:01 AM

As I said before, I remember seeing it on an LP by Big Theo, back in the 1960's, so if you can track that down, maybe it will give the details. Or then maybe it was already an old song, I don't know. What is the earliest date anyone can find for it?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: vectis
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 06:46 PM

No idea of date. It looks and sounds like a music hall ditty but the subject matter places it in the second half of the 20th century. When did artificial insemination start - wartime? In which case Joe's version is probably the original and mine a later one.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: Snuffy
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 08:36 PM

The 'Land Army tarts' were certainly WWII, when young ladies were sent to work on farms to help the war effort - so 1940's.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: MikeofNorthumbria
Date: 19 Jun 01 - 10:02 AM

I remember a slightly different version of this song being sung by Pete Thomas back the 1960s It went to the tune of "My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean", with a chorus of
"Bring back, bring back, Oh bring back my old fashioned bull (to me!)
"Bring back, bring back, Oh bring back my old-fashioned bull"

And Pete had one more verse that's missed out in Joe's version:

"Now they say that the farm is a business
In which we must all pull our weight
And I'd pull - how I'd pull - for an old-fashioned bull
But this phoney arrangement I hate!
(So) Bring back, Bring back....etc"

Sing and enjoy!

Wassail!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: vectis
Date: 19 Jun 01 - 07:07 PM

I checked it out and artificial insemination was first successful in animals in 1779. Humans followed about 10 years later.
My mind is still boggling at the thought.
Modern AID started early last, 20th, century in Russia.

Subject: Lyr Add: LAMENT OF THE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED...
From: vectis
Date: 23 Aug 14 - 12:31 AM

This version is pithy and witty. I may well learn it. This version appears to be from Australia.

The Clancys recorded the original one in this discussion as a recitation.

The tune may have been put to the original words by the Isle of Wight singer/ songwriter Laurie Say (who I got the song from) in the late 60s or very early 70s.

LAMENT OF THE ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED COW
By William L. Jessiman

Though I have just given birth to a heifer,
And of pride and of milk I am full,
It is sad to relate
that my lacteal state
Was not brought about by a bull.

I have never been naughty, I swear it,
In spite of the calf I have borne.
By Farmer Brown's tractor,
I'm virga intacta.
I have not had the bull by the horn.

No bull has embraced me with passion;
I've not had the ghost of a binge;
I haven't been loved,
but ruthlessly shoved
With aseptic disposable syringe.

How cheerless the farmyard and meadows,
The cowshed seems gloomy and gray,
For the one bit of fun
in the dreary year's run
Has by science been taken away.

I know that farming's a business
In which we must all pull our weight.
I'd pull and I'd pull
for a nicely built bull,
Synthetic arrangements I hate.

It must not be thought that I'm jealous.
There are things a cow should not say.
But the Vets and Ag Reps
who deprive us of sex
Still get it the old fashioned way.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: dirge of a frustrated cow
From: GUEST,SqueezeMe
Date: 23 Aug 14 - 08:42 AM

Brings back memories. I learned this from a Plymouth based singer (Ben Campbell I think) back in the late '60s with a refrain of "Arrghh moo; arrghh moo" and a repeated last line of each verse.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Lament of...Artificially Inseminated Cow
From: GUEST,Peter Lobbenberg
Date: 09 Jul 18 - 12:00 PM

I don't recall my source for this, but it will most likely have been one of my friends at the late lamented Heritage Society in Oxford, circa 1959. (Bruce Carter perhaps?) I'd completely forgotten the song until now, but have just come across it in my scribbled notes from that era, and then found this thread.

Tune - My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean.

Though I've just given birth to a heifer
And of pride and of milk I am full,
It is sad to relate that my lacteal state
Was not brought about by a bull.

Bring back, bring back, oh bring back my old fashioned bull to me
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back my old fashioned bull.

I've never been naughty, I swear it,
In spite of the calf I have borne;
By Farmer Brown's tractor I'm virgo intacta,
I've not had a bull by the horn.

Bring back, etc.

How dreary the farmyard and meadows,
The shipper looks gloomy and grey,
Now the one bit of fun in the year's dreary run
Has by science been taken away.

Bring back, etc.

If what I have heard is the truth, Sir,
Unnatural though it may seem,
A cow's female passion is all out of fashion
And bulling is just a wet dream.

Bring back, etc.

Now I know that a farm is a business
In which we must all pull our weight,
And I'd pull and I'd pull for a strongly built bull
But this phony arrangement I hate.

Bring back, etc.

It mustn't be thought that I'm jealous -
There are things that a cow shouldn't say:
But those Land Army tarts who handle our parts
Still get it the old-fashioned way.

Bring back, etc.

The title I have is the punchy-sounding "Lines written by a Disgruntled Cow on the Subject of Artificial Insemination".

I agree it looks like it must have a WWII origin.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Lament of...Artificially Inseminated Cow
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Jul 18 - 05:48 PM

I can't remember where I got it from either, or even if it was England or New Zealand, but the one I learned is close to Vectis'.

The Dirge of the Disgruntled Cow.

How dreary the farm and the meadows.
The sheep-pens are gloomy and grey.
Now the one bit of fun in the years dreary run
Has by science been taken away.

I've just given birth to a heifer,
And of pride and of milk I am full,
But it's sad to relate that my lacteal state
Was not brought about by a bull.

No, I've never been naughty, I swear it!
In spite of the calf that I've borne.
By Farmer Brown's tractor, I'm virgo intacta.
I've never had a bull by the horn!

I know that the farm is a business
In which we must all pull our weight,
And I'd pull, oh I'd pull, for strongly-built bull.
It's this phony arrangement I hate.

It mustn't be thought that I'm jealous,
There are things a cow shouldn't say,
But those land-army tarts, who handle our parts,
Still get it the old-fashioned way!


I like some of the extra verses here.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Lament of...Artificially Inseminated Cow
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Jul 18 - 05:49 PM

That was from Gurney.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Lament of...Artificially Inseminated Cow
From: GUEST,keberoxu
Date: 09 Jul 18 - 06:11 PM

And then there is Cuba. Yes, Cuba,
and a songwriter named Pedro Luis Ferrer.
He wrote a song titled Inseminación Artificial,
which was popular in the 1970's;
it featured "la Vaquita" and
she was either "pijirigua" or "piquirigua".

And here is a partial quote:

En una conversación
entre vacas y terneras
sobre modernas maneras
de hacer la inseminaciön,

dijó con indignaciön
la vaquita pijirigua:

(upside-down exclamation point)
No salgo de este manigua
ni aunque me cubran de oro,
A mí que me den el toro
para seguir a la antigua!


Inseminación Artificial -- live performance with dancing cow

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Lament of...Artificially Inseminated Cow
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 10 Jul 18 - 03:29 AM

"Did you know they now do artificial insemination of cows?"

"No bull. . .!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Lament of...Artificially Inseminated Cow
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Jul 18 - 11:30 AM

Bobby Clancy recorded it on a long out of print LP in 1974..released..1975..titled "Good times when Bobby Clancy sings" under the title "The Old Cow's Lament" Talbot Records

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Lament of...Artificially Inseminated Cow
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 10 Jul 18 - 02:54 PM

I knew Big Theo, aka Theo Johnson, back in the days of my youth.

http://www.folkblues.co.uk/forum/files/f88a21c581888ad76d0ad574aeddd24d-63.html