Song Challenge! - Part 67

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 11:50 AM

To the tune of "The Nighht Before Larry Was Stretched"

The Night Before Johann Was Searched

The night before Johann was searched
The boys and me paid him a visit
Into his hotel room we lurched
"The stuff" Johann asked us "where is it?"
For Johann was ever the lad
To be fixing to make him a killin'
If profit there was to be had
Then Jo would make manys the shillin'
And guineas and fivers forbye

The boys and me crowded in fast
And drew all our stools round about him
"Who's first? And who will be last?"
That gave rise to a fair bit of shoutin'
But Johann he said "Settle down
Let's act like you're men used to dealin'
Fine, honoured men about town
Not rogues at home with sheep-stealin'
And rustlin' of catlle as well"

"I'm sorry dear Johann" says I
"To cause any agg-a-ravation
And blister my limbs if I lie
We mean to cause no agitation
We'll step up now, each in his turn
To offer you creatures of quality
We peasants have not, it seemed, learned
To behave with all due formality"
And with that, the business commenced

I offered a fine pair of birds
And a reptile of some unknown variety
They really were the last word
Fit for any Zoological Society
And next up came parrots and frogs
A monkey, a blushing flamingo
Fishes and two types of dog
A snake and a bloody great dingo
(God knows how that bugger got here!)

And Johann at last said "Enough!
Much thanks for your netting and trappin'
I've got myself plenty of stuff
On my door back at home they'll be rappin'"
And off we slunk into the night
Each clutching his wad of blood-money
And Johann prepared for his flight
Thinking he'd have a clear run (He
Couldn't have known the result!)

Never do business with thieves
Forget about "honour among"
For one of our crowd was aggrieved
And determined to see Johann hung
Just as Judas betrayed with a kiss
Yer man with the beard and the sandals
Johann met his nemesis
And the news was one hell of a scandal
(They're writing songs 'bout it yet!)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: MMario
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 11:57 AM

aww- shucks! you passed up the chance to use "egg"-gravation and "egg"-grieved - but otherwise "egg"-cellent work.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 01:54 PM

You guys are TOO MUCH!!! All of ya!!!!!!! :-D

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Amos
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 02:03 PM

Derry:

Your usual masterful work!! Loved it -- I can just hear it overlaid to "The Night that Poor Larry Got Stretched". LOL!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Dharmabum
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 02:46 PM

JOHANN ZILLINGER
(An outlaws Tale)

Sit back & listen
And a tale I will tell
About a modern day outlaw
Who got famous as hell.

Johann Zillinger
Was this outlaws name
He was sneaky & shady
And smugglin' was his game.

Now he'd tried his hand
At 9 to 5 employment
But that didn't provide 'em
With too much enjoyment.

He said "I don't believe"
"In that Old Lady Luck"
"That's why I'll steal damn near"
"Anything for a buck".

Soon he'd established
His reputation & fame
Folks used to shudder
When they heard Johann's name.

He'd steal anything
That wasn't tied down
Folks locked their doors & windows
When he came into town.

He'd rob anyone
From the north or the south
Hell,I heard he even snatched the gold
From his own Granny's mouth.

Then one day he heard
There's big money to be made
From being a smuggler
In the exotic animal trade.

So he bought him a ticket
And flew by way of Brazilian
While he dreamed of his fortune
He thought "I'll make me a million".

So he trekked into the jungle
With a bag & a net
To see how many
Feathered creatures he could get.

He bagged parakeets
And an African Grey
Even threw in a Boa Constrictor
He'd found along the way.

When his bag was full
And bulging over the top
It wasn't till then
That Johann did stop.

On his way back to town
He started to wonder
How to smuggle these critters
Without becoming a blunder.

He thought of disguises
Maybe uncles or aunts
But birds look too suspect
Wearing dresses & pants.

"I know!",as an idea
Popped into his head
"I'll smuggle them out"
"On my person instead".

So he started hiding
His black market fare
As he got out the duct tape
And extra large underwear.

Parakeets in his armpits
And parrots down his back
And that poor African Grey
Stuffed right in the crack.

And I can't even say
Where he put that Constrictor
Aw hell, yes I can
It went right up his sphincter!

So there stood our Johann
Heavier by 60 pounds
As he headed for the airport
At the edge of that town.

As he got to the taxi
He started to wonder
"What is that weird feeling?"
"That I'm feeling down under".

He was breaking a sweat
As he looked at his watch
When a cheeping & peeping sound
Came from his crotch.

He thought"I can still make it"
As he wiped his face with a towel
Then that constrictor,constricted
Inside of his bowel.

Now ,with that & those birdies
Pecking his balls
Sent poor Johann screaming
On a fierce nature call.

He ran down the street
But was quite easy to catch
Let's just say that they got 'em
Where those birdies did hatch.

And now that you've heard
Of poor Johann's tale
Please think of him kindly
As he sits in that jail.

And I hear he gets visits
At lights out,after dark
Of course....after that Boa
It's just a walk in the park.

DB.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 12:25 AM

Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weeny Baby Bird In His Bikinis
(Tune: Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini)

He was afraid to come out of the taxi,
He was afraid that the bulges would show.
He was afraid to come out of the taxi,
He was afraid everybody would know.

(One, two, three, four,
What the federales saw)

 Was an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny baby bird in his bikinis
 Movin' in a provocative way,
 An itsy bitsy, teeny weeny baby bird in his bikinis,
 Gave old Johann the smuggler away.
 
He was afraid to submit to the strip search;
He turned bright red, the customs lady could see.
He was afraid to submit to the strip search,
Because those budgie chicks had soiled his BVD's!

(Three, four, five, six,
What a nest for hatching chicks!)
 
 It was an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny baby bird in his bikinis--
 That's why Johann was walkin' that way.
 An itsy bitsy, teeny weeny budgie in his Hanes bikinis--
 Birds in your crotch can just ruin your whole day!

He was afraid that the agents would ferret
Out all the snakes and birds that he had stowed away.
He might have fooled 'em, were it not for that parrot
That started squealin' and gave him away!

(Five, six, seven, eight,
What did that stool pigeon say?)

     "He's got some itsy bitsy, teeny weeny budgie eggs in his bikinis!"
     That's what that big mouth Macaw bird did say,
     "Itsy bitsy, teeny weeny budgie eggs there by his weenie!
     And don't forget the boas in his attaché!"

He was afraid he'd no more see Vienna,
And so he tried to say "They're just beloved pets!"
But twenty-one parakeets wrapped in bandanas
Told the customs cops his tale was all wet!

     And then that itsy bitsy, teeny weeny baby bird in his bikinis
     Popped right on out, much to Johann's dismay!
     An itsy bitsy, teeny weeny budgie in his Hanes bikinis--
     Now they're taking our hero away.

(Four, three, two, one,
Tell the man what he has won!)

     It is an eeny weeny, itty bitty cell in a Brazilian city,
     That's the wages of Zillerman's foul crime!
     An eeny weeny, itty bitty cell in a Brazilian city,
     Where Johann's now doing his seven to nine!

©  Sonja W. Oates, 2001

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 12:29 AM

Derrymasch, that's priceless!!!!!

Sonja

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 12:42 AM

Derrymasch, both yours were great, but, for clarification, the post above was in repsponse to the Phil The Fluther parody.

Dharma, you crack me up! (No double 'entendre'd.)

Sonja

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: MMario
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 09:18 AM

Sonja - well done!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Áine
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 12:29 PM

Alrightey then, I think we've beat the bushes well enough and scrambled our collective yolks to a frothy frenzy on this Challenge! So, the awarding of the Chips shall now commence . . . and I have to say that this has been one of the BEST Challenge!s we've had in a while. Cudos and congrats and beaucoups gracias to each and every one of you!! ;-)

-- Áine

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song):

The Cockee In Seat 10-D by Clifton53
Johann Zillinger by Dharmabum
Scrotum by Tinker
T W A by Genie
With The Eggs Tucked In His Underwear by Genie

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon (The Harp Ribbon is given for being able to make The Keeper of the Book fall on the floor laughing OR make her short out her keyboard with tears):

The Boxers by mousethief
Copacabana by Sonja
Eggs by Zillinger Zillinger Top (a/k/a Jack the Sailor)
I Hope They Don't Hatch Now by MMario
Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weeny Baby Bird In His Bikinis by Sonja

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest (The Guinness Crest is awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song):

The Birdman of Rio by derrymacash
A Fine Feathered Fetish by Dharmabum
Goings On In Rio by Amos
The Marvelous Johann by Deda
The Night Before Johann Was Searched by derrymacash
Soar Like An Eagle, Fall Like A Rock by Lonesome EJ

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (The GCCWMMSPS is awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Keeper of the Book and onto her monitor screen):

Bird Smugglers March by Johan Phillipe Salsa (a/k/a Jack the Sailor)
Gonna Haul Anacondas by Lin in Kansas
Hard Eggs by SharonA
Hot Eggs by mousethief
The Human Ark by derrymacash

Winners of the Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award (The Super Special Sandstone Sheila-Na-Gig Ocarina Award is given to the Challenge!rs who warm the cockles and create a special warm and fuzzy feeling in the heart of the Keeper of the Book in a song):

All God's Critters by Genie
Master Macaw by Clifton53

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 03:25 PM

And a special award,

The Silverplated Electric Incubater with Nut Cluster,

(This is unique award for mirth production above and beyond the call of duty and not to be self administered.)

Awarded to Áine for "Da Dude Done Run"!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 03:47 PM

Gold, no less! Áine, I'm verklempt!! (Is that how you spell it?)

Sonja

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Clifton53
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 05:14 PM

Thank You Aine, For the Sheila Na Gig gig, I'm touched, well, that's what people tell me anyway.

Clifton

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Áine
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 05:49 PM

Oh Jack, thank you so much for the S.E.I.N.C.!! ;-) And I promise not to self-administer anything without asking you first!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: GUEST,Genie (sans cookie)
Date: 10 Nov 01 - 08:16 PM

Two Golden Cow Chips?!!! I'm udderly flabbergasted! Thanks, Áine!

Genie

BTW, I think you deserve some cow chips, too! If you aren't allowed to self-administer them, we'll toss a few at you if you keep writing such gems!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 67
From: Lin in Kansas
Date: 10 Nov 01 - 08:27 PM

Áine, bless your heart! I can use that MMario Memorial Spittoon to catch some of the coffee/tea/etc. that shoots out my nose when I read these Song Challenges! (Should save on Kleenex!)

Many thanks--

Lin

Subject: RE: Song Challenge! - Part 67
From: Genie
Date: 30 Nov 10 - 11:24 PM

Just refreshing my memory of this particularly wonderful and hilarious Song Challenge!

I think our Mudcatter poets attained some new highs in parodistic humor! (Or should that be new lows?)

Genie