BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford

Subject: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 08:28 PM

This kind of got buried in a thread to cheer up Micca and I think it deserves its own thread for posterity. To my knowledge it is the first time Spaw has told us just how he met Cletus, Paw and Buford and, on top of that, it's a Christmas story!

Some of you also might not know, but Cletus et alia have been given their own place of honour, The CLETUS Chronicles over in Tweeddom, where Miz Kitty West came from when IvanB orchestrated her song that she sang at Carnegie Hall at Arlo's gig.

Nice going, Spaw! Anyhow, here's the "Meeting:"

"...it's also coming into Christmas and that in itself can be a real bummer. As a matter of fact, it was just about this same time of year that I first met Cletus, Paw, and Buford.

"I had noticed an area on Rt. 664 just outside of our little village being carefully prepared and roped off as I drove by and every now and then there were these three guys working there, building a little shed and driving stakes into the ground about 6 feet apart. It finally dawned on me that they were getting ready to sell Christmas trees. Now I have always gotten ours from the same place for years, but the prices were getting pretty steep so I kept an eye out for new sources. The day they put up the lights, I stopped by to see when they'd be bringing the trees in.

"As I got out of the van I couldn't help but notice that these three, from all appearances, were a bit "down on their luck" and it made me want to help them out a bit. Cletus came up to me and introduced himself and I asked about the trees. He was glad to tell me all about them in that way which I've since learned to interpret. At that time however all I could seem to understand was that they were "working on them." These many years later, that kind of phrase would set off alarms, but I didn't know Cletus then so I thought it was just an odd hilljack way of phrasing things. Paw came over and I liked the old guy a lot right away. He said he'd seen me before and I remembered something about the sewage plant and the day it exploded. I couldn't place what it was that this guy had to do with it but the correlation seemed quite vivid. I shook his hand and he farted in return.

"I had never met anyone who was quite so casual with flatulence. Paw used it almost as punctuation......."How ya' doin'?" (rriippp) "Purty day ain't she?" (bbraawwmmpp)..........Let's say it took some getting used to and made it easy to understand why this old coot could probably not find gainful employment. But for all that, he was a friendly cuss who told me they called him Paw because he was from Paw-Paw, West Virginia. He pointed out the other fellow named Buford who was involved in extricating himself from a string of Christmas lights that seemed to have attacked him. Even from a distance, the unmistakable smell of Iron City brew was pretty strong. I figured he spilled about the same amount on himself as he drank and I later found this to be not only true, but the amounts involved were prodigious.

"All in all, I couldn't help but like them even if they were, well, let's just call them odd and drop it right there. They told me the trees would be in and they'd be open for business on Friday at 6 PM. I left shaking my head at the idea of bringing Karen and the kids to "pick out the tree" as was so traditional with our family. What the hell? We can at least check them out.

"On Friday afternoon Karen and I were going into Lancaster and as we passed by I pointed out the place, not that it was really necessary to point. I'd never seen anything quite so garish in my life but it was one of those gray Ohio days, very cold and occasionally spitting snow so perhaps it was the contrast......perhaps not. Karen was making comments about the place, but as we drove past we could both see the trees that were now in place quite well. Surprisingly enough, they looked magnificent! All were very full and perfectly shaped and a greener bunch of Christmas trees I'd never seen. Even at 65 mph, Karen saw one on the far end of the first row that she said was absolutely "the one!" Since she and our kids were going to spend the night with Connie and go shopping on Saturday, I promised her I'd stop back and get the tree and forget the tradition for one year.

"So on my return trip I looked at my watch and saw that I'd arrive about the time Cletus told me they would open and sure enough, I was the first one there. Cletus, Paw, and Buford, greeted me as a long lost friend. They were really in the Christmas Spirit and offered me some of their "spirits." Friends, there is 'Shine and then there is 'Shine and whatever it was they had in the Mason jars was not. I found out later that this was a homebrew of their own and made not from corn, but soybeans, and distilled through an old radiator off a Mack. Luckily I only tasted it, but that single gulp went down like a 4-stage rocket, taking my breath away, and immediately starting to bore a hole in my stomach. After the coughing subsided I gave them the common courtesy line you use upon tasting any 'Shine..........."Smooth!"

"They were all adorned themselves with some of the seediest Santa hats I had ever seen and were ready for business. They said I was the first customer and I nodded appreciatively while glancing about at the trees. Even up at a closer viewing they seemed almost perfectly formed and beautifully green and I thought the light snow must be the reason they glistened so under the glaring bulbs. It was dark now and the temperature had dropped to about 25 with a nasty northwesterly blowing in a chill from Alberta. My eyes were no longer crossed from the 'Shine and I slowly became aware that something was odd about the trees. They weren't moving at all. Not a branch, not a needle, absolutely nothing was moving although the breeze was pretty stiff. Paw commented on the weather and let fly an air biscuit as I walked over to the tree Karen had seen earlier. I reached out to touch it and it was positively stiff!

"I felt several branches and the whole thing down to the smallest needle was like glass. I put a little extra pressure on a needle and it shattered in my gloved hand. What the hell was this anyway? Cletus came up and asked how I liked them as Paw and Buford tossed wood in a barrel to start a warming fire. I said I thought these were real trees, but they seemed to be artificial. Cletus protested they were real.......and recycled. Once in awhile you hear sommething that is so completely ridiculous that it takes some time before you can absorb the fact that the speaker is completely serious. Recycled Christmas trees. My mind was slowly opening to the sound of Cletus' voice proudly telling the tale of how they collected them last year and then formed them up, glued in branches with rubber cement, gave them several coats of shellac, painted them with spray cans of "Yew Be Green" epoxy, and topped the job off with several coats of lacquer.

"I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. I stared at the tree. I stared at Cletus. Cletus noticed I was a bit pale and pulled me by the arm over to the shed where Paw and Buford had finished filling the barrel and were dumping gasoline onto the contents. Cletus said that I should have another drink and then Paw asked if I was cold. I nodded vacantly, my mind still unable to absorb the insanity which surrounded me. Then I heard Cletus say, "Hey Paw, show him how we light a fire."

"With that, Paw bent over pointing his butt at the barrel, Buford held a Zippo to his ass, and Paw ripped a monster of a fart, something akin to a Cherry Bomb in it's magnitude. An enormous flame shot out of his ass and ignited the barrel which flared high in the air. But it was a truly huge blaster and the flames not only ignited the barrel, but the nearest recycled Christmas trees. Coated as they were with such a combustible mixture, they didn't catch fire, they friggin' exploded! Bits of flaming plastic-like shards went flying away on the wind to explode the next tree, and the next, and the next. Within 30 seconds the remnants of every tree was flaming brightly and in less than a minute the flames were gone and 50 smoldering sticks were all that remained. None of us had moved and Paw was still bent over and looking over his shoulder at the charred remains of their business.

"The next day when I picked Karen up, we stopped at our usual place and picked out a lovely Frazier Fir. I had told her the story and that I figured that here was a case where a single fart may not have saved the world, but at least did save 50 home fires. We stopped at their place and the boys were cleaning up the mess and told us it probably meant a Christmas that would be a little bleak for them. Karen is a kind soul and right then and there invited them to our place for Christmas Day. She said they should come early and maybe Santa will have left something for them and that they would be welcome for Christmas dinner too. As we drove home I tried to explain that this probably wasn't a great idea but Karen felt pretty bad for them and they had cheerfully accepted her invitation.

"On Christmas morning they arrived at 6 AM and the day went downhill from there. But that's another story.

"So Micca old friend, no matter how bad it is and how you feel, there is always a friend out there for you. Even if you're obnoxious, nasty, and haven't bathed in a month, there is always the chance that if you can light a good fart, miracles will occur.

Spaw

BBBBBRRRRRRAAAAAAAAWWWWWMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPP"

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: GUEST,Paul
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 08:44 PM

This is a very well written story. I saw it in the other thread.

I really enjoyed it, and was about to congratulate Pat on it, until:

"With that, Paw bent over pointing his butt at the barrel, Buford held a Zippo to his ass, and Paw ripped a monster of a fart, something akin to a Cherry Bomb in it's magnitude

Farts aren't as funny as a well written story, sorry Pat but it was really excellent until then. You ruined it.

Most others will doubtless disagree

Paul

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: Tweed
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 08:58 PM

..what would work better in there if not fart? "With that, Paw bent over pointing his butt at the barrel, Buford held a Zippo to his ass, and Paw ripped a tidy little poot, something akin to a "Black Cat" firecracker in it's magnitude". It's no good at all! Spaw is dead on with his picture of the event.

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: GUEST,Paul
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:06 PM

Maybe it's just me.

I simply don't enjoy toilet humor.

I thought the first few paragraphs were really well written, and was sad that the story had to end up being about farting.

Personal guess: Pat probably doesn't want to refer to farting as often as he does, but feels a little trapped as 'the joker'

May be completely wrong

Paul

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:14 PM

Pat WHO, Paul???

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:16 PM

Pat Patterson who wrote the original piece.

Dimwit

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:31 PM

Ah, thanks, Dimwit

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: Áine
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:33 PM

This is the funniest dang thang I've seen in a long while! There must be some hope for this civilization if 'Spaw can come up with somethin' like this!

Fan-feckin'-tastic!! And for the nay-sayers, if you can't laugh at a fart joke, then you've completely lost touch with your inner child (hahahaha!!!). Long live the scatilogical silliness of all our Mini-Me's!!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: GUEST,Paul
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:38 PM

I'm sorry Spaw,

But I'll say it again. I find your writing here really delightful. To my mind it is ruined when you try to be consciencly funny by focussing in on farts. But what do I know?

Paul

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: SINSULL
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:43 PM

Cletus, Paw and the Reg boys are toilet humor. Their escapades are also funny - at least to me. I have grown rather fond of Cletus and continue to hope I can extricate him from Paw's influence. A trip to NYC would do the boy a world of good. High Tea at the Pierre; Jazz at the Blue Note; City Ballet; the Metropolitan Opera; Broadway; Blues at BB King's...

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:43 PM

"if you can't laugh at a fart joke, then you've completely lost touch with your inner child"

Says who?

I can't, won't and haven't

Am I a bad person?

Jeez, Aine - lets make a generalisation!

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: Tweed
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 09:44 PM

I completely agree. If it makes spaghetti and milk shoot out my nose, it's funny. Here's more..try 'em again Paul.

The CLETUS Chronicles

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: Áine
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 10:21 PM

Dear Guest,

No, you are not a 'bad person' -- a little OCPC maybe, but hey, live and let live is what I say. And Paul, you're OK, too. Differest strokes for different folks, OK?

But Cletus and the Boys make me fall off my chair and roll on the floor -- can't help it -- long live all those who dare to light their own farts!! ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: catspaw49
Date: 05 Dec 01 - 10:38 PM

Thanks kat....and thanks to all for the comments. Paul, if I feel trapped, it's in the Cletus stories which have been scatalogical from Day One. I'm sure they offend some and others they tickle to death. One thing for sure, I've never been accused of having good taste.(:<))

Aine, Sins, Tweed, kat, and any others who find a smile in the tales, you have my thanks.....and a thanks on the side to Tweed for creating that suppository repository on your site!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 12:08 AM

Spaw's are the only scataological jokes I can stomach....all others go right through me.

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: Banjer
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:14 AM

Jokes??? What jokes....These are true stories aren't they?? What's wrong with lighting a good ripper, no sense wasting all that energy...do you have any idea what the power company would charge for that much energy?? Geeziz, I know I couldn't afford it, and here you are getting it for nothing and complaining about it...Leave Paw, Cletus and the Regs alone, they are MY heroes!

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: Morticia
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 08:00 AM

Spaw, don't let Sinsull get her hands on Cletus, introducing him to "culture" ( other than that in the bottom of his coffee cup) would be a bad thing, for them and him. (Jeez, just had a mind picture of the Reg boys in tights....now thats gonna take some exorcism)....and anyway, I love him just the way he is.

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: AliUK
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 08:38 AM

once again spaw you have delighted me, and the rest of you puritans, Farts are an integral part of western society, why methinks I feel one brewing now!

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:16 PM

Morty, I worry about the effects of "culture" on Cletus too. Just remembering how he and the rest of them were after the last time they were in Columbus and went to the Museum of Art.........I think "traumatized" is too mild a word. Then again, I think the Museum folks were traumatized too.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:36 PM

Having no flatulence is a sign of a tight-ass, i.e. constipated, which having one's head up one's ass, would cause as is evident from no-name's humourless protestations.

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: wildlone
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:42 PM

"No less than a Ceasar
decreed with great reason
no restraint shou'd be laid
on the Bum or the Weason,
for Belching and Farting
were always in season".
[Purcell 1659-1695]
dave

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: MMario
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:20 PM

well - there are lots of people who don't like "potty humour" - but I was at a comedy show a few weeks ago and can tell you what got the biggest laughs...

the repetition of the word "shit" - the miming of a cat taking a dump in the sandbox; and the flight of "jet propulsion boy" across the stage to the sound of a good juicy fart.

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 04:00 PM

It worked for Aristophanes as well. How about if I take Cletus to see some Greek Comedy? Maybe even get him a part - with his ability to fart on cue (without causing damage), he is a natural.

Morty,
I love Cletus just as he is too. But his antics at the first Hearme concert really showed a need for some basic social skills training. Somehow I don't think we can count on Spaw to provide that.

I have a question for the nay-sayers...if farts aren't funny, how come people always laugh when they hear one? This is true in restaurants, shopping malls, on the subway, in church, at the opera, on elevators. People of all social standings, education levels, and walks of life laugh when someone farts.

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 04:16 PM

Sins, not siding with any of the unnameds, but I believe people laugh out of embarassment, for themselves and/or the flatulence-ee. (I really do abhor the "eff" word and I don't mean fuck!**BG**)

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: wildlone
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 03:19 PM

Troubled by the smell?
Click here
dave

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: Banjer
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:36 PM

Why Dave, those things kinda take all the fun out of it. Half the challenge is to se how many people you can clear out of a room with one shot!

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: heric
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:46 PM

Jokes involving the auditory senses are funny. References to olfactory senses are to be avoided, but permissible with mature discretion. Descriptions involving the sense of touch (e.g. "wet") or, especially, taste are absolutely impermissble and cannot be shared with any other person. If they arise within your consciousness they cannot be shared with any other person, friend, family or otherwise. 'Spaw is GUILTY of violating this prime directive and I will never forgive him for placing the term "fart bubble" within my field of consciousness.

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 06:24 PM

Dan, I know what you mean!*bg* Kendall Morse used an expression I will never forget, just imagine in that Down East accent of his, "thrashing around like a faht in a mitten." Now, there's an image!!

lol...kat

Subject: RE: BS: How Spaw met Cletus, Paw, and Buford
From: GUEST,AliUK on the works comp.
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 02:17 PM

I was talking with three brazilian equivelents of Cletus and his chums the other day ( Severino, Perereka and Dunga) about the social inconvenience of farting in public and they told me that "if you can't taste the fart senhor, how you gonna avoid your enemies in the dark?", He's got a point!