 sj |
||
|
||
BS: Cracker Jokes!
|
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) Date: 11 Jun 02 - 12:52 AM Hey, didja hear about the Yankees changing a lightbulb? One to hold the lightbulb and 50 to spin the house around. Didja ever see a Yankee flyswatter? They put a stick on the plastic that holds a six-pack together. (Vintage jokes to crack up Catspaw, a real crackerjack of a guy! See his take on Ode to Billie Joe) Mr Happy, In the USA and Canada, firecrackers are the tubular thingies and fireworks are the whole shebang including rockets, etc. And of course we say that there were real fireworks at a meeting that develops into a bruhaha. Crackers for funny farm candidates is used on both sides of the Atlantic. One of my son-in-laws, from England, introduced the cracker tradition to us at the first Christmas dinner he had with us. He couldn't pull his apart (we had operated on it). Now that cracked us up! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST Date: 10 Jun 02 - 11:15 PM And a cracker is also something really excellent... as in a "real cracker of a joke" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Grab Date: 10 Jun 02 - 12:03 PM That reminds me of a joke my dad tells. A man goes to see the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I keep dreaming I'm making love to a box of biscuits." "What kind of biscuits?" asks the doctor. "Cheese biscuits." "Oh, that's easy", says the doctor, "you're just fucking crackers!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Hrothgar Date: 10 Jun 02 - 02:01 AM Crackers are very useful in oil refineries. Thread creep: I thought Grant's "Cracker Line" was called that because it carried rations for the troops, including the omnipresent crackers - as in "Hard Crackers Come Again No More." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Mr Happy Date: 09 Jun 02 - 07:30 AM ps there's also 'cream crackers' a sort of dry flaky biscuit you eat with cheese |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Mr Happy Date: 09 Jun 02 - 07:26 AM i think the name 'christmas crackers' may have evolved from the earlier small explosive entertainments, 'firecrackers'. to confuse the issue even more, i believe firecrackers is the name americans use for what we in uk know as 'fireworks' another meaning in uk for 'crackers' is crazy |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST,.gargoyle Date: 31 Dec 01 - 04:03 PM Back again ...to stitch up your threads ....and tailor them to MUSIC!
Q. Which musical instrument should be never believe?
A. A lyre
Q. Why is a proud woman like a music book?
A. She is full of airs.
Q. Which is the easier to spell - fiddle-de-dee or fiddle-dedum?
A. The first, because it is spelled with more e's (ease)
Q. Why are pianos the most noble of instruments?
A. Because they are grand, upright and square.
Q. Why is a soprano like a confectioner?
A. Because she deals in high screams (ice creams)
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST Date: 31 Dec 01 - 03:45 PM On which side of the pitcher is the handle?
On the outside.
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST Date: 31 Dec 01 - 03:44 PM You tell'em Cat. That's what you're fur. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST Date: 31 Dec 01 - 03:43 PM You tell'em Calendar You've got all the dates. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Jack the Sailor Date: 31 Dec 01 - 03:06 PM What's the longest word? smiles This is such a bad joke, I tell it every chance I get. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks "Why the long face?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: TeriLu Date: 31 Dec 01 - 02:04 PM Why do cows talk on the phone? To comoooonicate! What did Mary say to Joseph? Oh, Joseph, that was immaculate! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST Date: 31 Dec 01 - 01:21 PM Q. What is the cheif use for cowhide. A. To hold cows together. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: NoMattch Date: 31 Dec 01 - 10:15 AM One of my Christmas cracker jokes were: Q: What two words contain the most letters? A: Post Office Ouch....gag....sigh.... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Snuffy Date: 31 Dec 01 - 06:03 AM Lucy, my daughter also used to make up words when she didn't know the real one:
Wobble hat - a woolly hat with a bobble on top. WassaiL! V |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Crazy Eddie Date: 31 Dec 01 - 04:55 AM Redeye, OK, I was joking, & you were joking. Now what about the guy in the Christmas Cracker factory, do you reckon he joking too? ,br>
What is brown & sticky? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Hawker Date: 31 Dec 01 - 04:55 AM Glad to see we have almost got back to the original thread! Phew! I Love the word bi-libual, and shall try to use it in conversation this evening at the party! My daughter makes some great new words...... Rumply - meaning rough and crumpled sort of thing Squirmy - as in squirmy cream - the sort you get in spray cansMaybe we should start a thread on new words! Have a great New Year All Cheers, Lucy |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: fat B****rd Date: 31 Dec 01 - 04:31 AM I really did read this one many years ago. Q What is neither right nor fair ? A A monkey's left ear. Happy new year |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST,--seed Date: 31 Dec 01 - 02:23 AM Bill D., a schwa is an upside down e, not an @, at least as I recall it from my linguistic studies in college. It's the phonetic symbol for the "uh" sound as in butt--and for most unaccented vowels in English, e.g., the first and final syllable os in the word conception [the i combining with the t to form the sh sound] (for the edification of those of you without the benefit of vast stores of useless information). --seed (dropping in especially for the opportunity to act the pedantic ass) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Red Eye Date: 31 Dec 01 - 01:03 AM Crazy Ediie, I was joking? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Crazy Eddie Date: 31 Dec 01 - 12:08 AM Er, Red Eye, I didn't really get that message in a Christmas Cracker....It was a joke. A very lame joke, I agree, but nevertheless a joke. Real Christmas cracker jokes? When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. When is a farmer like a wizard? When he turns a horse into a stable. I'll get me coat! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: AliUK Date: 30 Dec 01 - 09:28 PM what do you get if you cross a kangeroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper. ba-ba-ba-boom. mind you in these days of cloning and splicing that is not really a lame joke from a cracker, but maybe a vision of things to come...brrrr! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Red Eye Date: 30 Dec 01 - 05:44 PM Crazy Eddie, perhaps it was a note asking for help? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Bill D Date: 30 Dec 01 - 04:11 PM well, I was always bemused by the expressions denoting methods of producing consonants in various languages... especially "bilabial fricatives" see here for more...(hey!...they got schwas there, too, 'spaw!...turns out a schwa is just an @) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Paul G. Date: 30 Dec 01 - 01:31 PM Bilibual: Drinking with both hands (bi=two, libual=deriviation of libation)...as in: Tomorrow night between sets, it being New Year's Eve, I intend to be bilibual. Anyone care to join me? --pg |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST,The Boyo Date: 30 Dec 01 - 12:10 PM I thought this thread was about us "coal crackers" from Pennsylvania! Guess I shouold of been "bilibual" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: The Walrus Date: 30 Dec 01 - 12:06 PM Re: Balmy/Barmy. As I understood it, the word comes from brewing (and remember that at up until mid 18th C - at least- most communiyies would have had their local brew-house). The Balm (or Barm, I don't recall which) was the foam formed on the liquor during the brewing process - and thus those who were considered slightly mad or daft were barmy (empty or foam headed). Back to bad Christmas Cracker jokes:
Q:What is a cross between a cowboy and an octopus? Q: What lives in the ocean and terrified mermaids? A: Jack the Kipper Hey, no one said they had to be funny. Walrus
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Mr Red Date: 30 Dec 01 - 11:41 AM what's the biggest tree in the whole wide world? groans at the ready TREMENDOUS |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: wysiwyg Date: 29 Dec 01 - 11:44 PM Bilibual.... I like it. It's almost dirty, but not quite. It could mean something like an ambivalent liberal who can't decide which position to take. Let's keep it. That is a great word. People will think they oughtta know what it means, if we use it. ~Susan |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: catspaw49 Date: 29 Dec 01 - 08:12 PM Jack, a Cracker'sisters are just like first cousins.....They don't marry them.....they screw 'em, but they don't marry them. Santa should learn from them! Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Jack the Sailor Date: 29 Dec 01 - 08:02 PM As I said before, My cousins had crackers when I was a kid. All I saw were crepe hats. I think we decided not to have them in our house because they were boring. I may be funny to get one person to wear a lame hat but it is boring for a group. I've never seen one with jokes or Plastic purses. And yes, If it thread had been Christmas Cracker Jokes, I would have immediately understood. But then I would probably have made a joke about Santa Marrying his sisted after an embarrassing gator hunting incident. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: JedMarum Date: 29 Dec 01 - 03:18 PM Now Balmy I've heard used ... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Snuffy Date: 29 Dec 01 - 03:07 PM Barmy is an alternative spelling of 'balmy' which is defined: "...#7 soft, weak-minded, idiotic (1851)" WassaiL! V |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: JedMarum Date: 29 Dec 01 - 02:57 PM bi-libual??? Where the heck did that word come from??? Of course I mean bilingual! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: JedMarum Date: 29 Dec 01 - 02:49 PM Susan - no malice intended in my comments ... I was just poking fun at all us Americans for not getting and sticking with the original point! I never heard the term Barmy - I always considered myself bi-libual (English and American) because I worked for a company from England for 7+ years ... thought I'd heard 'em all. I very much enjoyed the English sense of humor, and I must say, I loved the ale! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST,Bert Date: 29 Dec 01 - 02:30 PM Gnomad, Yes it's safe to use Barmy (The word comes from the town of Barming, just outside Maidstone, Kent) over here but it's not very definitive because most Americans are Barmy. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: fat B****rd Date: 29 Dec 01 - 01:44 PM A man goes into a shop and says "Do you sell double-entendres ?" The Shopkeeper replies "No, but I'll give you one" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: wysiwyg Date: 29 Dec 01 - 08:18 AM Jed, no one was preaching. Someone asked what the word meant, and this was answered by several people who each had a piece of information about it. No one said to use or not use the term, it was just discussed, and a side discussion developed from there. Information is not preaching. ~Susan |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: catspaw49 Date: 29 Dec 01 - 08:13 AM So a redneck guy who works in a slaughterhouse and installs carpet part-time, living in Green Bay, who maliciously hacks into a computer system as a hobby, and makes lewd phone calls to get his rocks off would be a: Cracker knacker tacker hacker yacker jacker-whacker Packer-backer Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Crazy Eddie Date: 29 Dec 01 - 07:48 AM I didn't understand the joke in my Christmas cracker, it read "Help, I've been kidnapped & forced to work in a Cracker factory." I don't see what's funny about that. Last year it was better. "What lies at the bottom of the sea, and shivers?" "A nervous wreck."
Actually a cracker is one who cracks computer code for fun, but without using his abilities maliciously. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: gnomad Date: 29 Dec 01 - 06:10 AM Additional to Hawker's deer joke; What to you call a deer with no eyes, and no legs? Still no idea. Nice to see the original thread purpose reviving, though I am glad I now know better than to say people are crackers when in American company...Is barmy safe to use? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Hawker Date: 29 Dec 01 - 04:48 AM Hear hear Jed, with all the trouble in the world, and this being a time of reflectiona and all that! So please, as the person who innocently started a thread on CHRISTMAS Cracker Jokes, I repeat my question, now it has been ably explained by several people. what jokes did you find inside your CHRISTMAS cracker along with the yellow purses, pink plastic fishes, etc. and paper hats? For example: What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea! or: Customer: Waiter, waiter, have you got frogs legs? Waiter: Yes sir. Customer: Well hop over the counter and get me some mayonnaise then! The jokes are usually not terribly funny, what we call here in England, corny. Remember, we do not choose who we are, we are just born that way! Cheers, Lucy:o} |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: JedMarum Date: 29 Dec 01 - 01:33 AM I don;t suppose this one would have been a cracker joke - but my English friends used to tell me they celebrated Thanksgiving too - only they celebrated it on the Fourth of July, when they got rid of us! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: JedMarum Date: 29 Dec 01 - 01:27 AM I've heard the term "Thread Creep" but this one's off the charts! It's down right Thread Perversion! How did we take a light hearted discussion on Christmas custom and humor and turn it into a preaching session on racism - racism in America? No wonder Europe thinks we're all idiots! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Kaleea Date: 29 Dec 01 - 12:51 AM After perusing you'alls so called jokes, I do believe the cheese done slid off you'alls crackers! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Banjer Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:59 PM The traffic on the beat told him should read 'The traffic cop on the beat told him'......Hey you know how us crackers are! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Banjer Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:53 PM "all Southerners marry their first cousins" I Think 'Spaw is refering to Southern Ohio folk here. But I'm with 'Spaw, I don't know of any jokes that would be of the tellin' kind where crackers are concerned. I do know of a true story though....This happened quite a few years ago in front of a store here known world wide as Webbs City. We were standing on the sidewalk out in front of the store waiting for the light to change so we could walk across the street. This old fellow known to be a lifetime resident of Florida was about to make a U-Turn. The traffic on the beat told him, 'Hey you can't make that turn here'....Old fellow looks around, surveys the situation, spits a gob of chewin' baccy out the window and replies, 'Reckon I can, I've made it before' as he made his U-Turn. Don't know if the cop ever gave him a ticket or not, but that is one thing I'll always remember and I was about ten years old at the time. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: catspaw49 Date: 28 Dec 01 - 07:03 PM Well Steve, I'm sorry, but i don't know any English-style Cracker jokes and I feel that telling "Southern/Georgia Cracker" jokes is demeaning and proflagates a negative image such as "all Southerners marry their first cousins" which simply isn't true. I mean they fuck 'em and all, they just don't always marry them, ya' know? Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: GUEST,rangersteve Date: 28 Dec 01 - 06:23 PM The original subject was bad jokes inside Christmas Crackers. I'm waiting to hear more bad jokes. Save the serious discussions for another thread and let's get back to the humor. (I've had a rough day at work and can't think of jokes right now, otherwise I'd contribute one). |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Cracker Jokes! From: Banjer Date: 28 Dec 01 - 06:20 PM We just got our power back!!!! I was going to respond earluer but couldn't. There is not much more to tell, Susan, about the origin of the term. It all depends I suppose in who says it, to whom, and what the circumstances are. I suppose having lived in Florida since the age of six I could be considered a Cracker, but a real one must be a native and like 'Spaw says, mostly from North Florida and Southern Georgia. In and around the Okefenokee Swamp area. |