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Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?

Kaleea 29 Jan 02 - 12:24 AM
catspaw49 29 Jan 02 - 12:30 AM
Jim Dixon 29 Jan 02 - 01:50 AM
GUEST 29 Jan 02 - 03:07 AM
Bill D 29 Jan 02 - 08:48 AM
Mrrzy 29 Jan 02 - 08:53 AM
Jim Dixon 29 Jan 02 - 09:39 AM
Bill D 29 Jan 02 - 10:50 AM
GUEST,Phillip 29 Jan 02 - 11:12 AM
Mrrzy 29 Jan 02 - 12:26 PM
Mr Red 29 Jan 02 - 12:53 PM
DeanC 29 Jan 02 - 01:09 PM
Jim Dixon 29 Jan 02 - 01:10 PM
GUEST,Desdemona at work 29 Jan 02 - 01:22 PM
Mrrzy 29 Jan 02 - 01:47 PM
Louie Roy 29 Jan 02 - 01:58 PM
GUEST,Les B. 29 Jan 02 - 02:04 PM
GUEST,BigDaddy 29 Jan 02 - 06:26 PM
mack/misophist 29 Jan 02 - 06:48 PM
dick greenhaus 29 Jan 02 - 07:01 PM
Kaleea 30 Jan 02 - 02:03 AM
Dave Bryant 30 Jan 02 - 06:47 AM
Barbara Shaw 30 Jan 02 - 08:51 AM
catspaw49 30 Jan 02 - 08:08 PM
Bill D 30 Jan 02 - 09:57 PM
Mary in Kentucky 30 Jan 02 - 10:40 PM
ddw 30 Jan 02 - 11:32 PM
Lonesome EJ 30 Jan 02 - 11:46 PM
Banjer 31 Jan 02 - 05:39 AM
Jim Dixon 31 Jan 02 - 09:09 AM
Bobert 31 Jan 02 - 03:54 PM
MarkS 31 Jan 02 - 07:51 PM
Little Hawk 31 Jan 02 - 08:22 PM
Barbara Shaw 01 Feb 02 - 09:14 AM
Midchuck 01 Feb 02 - 11:27 AM
Mickey191 01 Feb 02 - 07:06 PM
Willie-O 01 Feb 02 - 09:32 PM
Dave the Gnome 02 Feb 02 - 06:10 PM
Little Hawk 02 Feb 02 - 06:54 PM
GUEST,kaylee 19 May 11 - 08:51 PM
Bill D 19 May 11 - 10:17 PM
J-boy 20 May 11 - 12:58 AM
GUEST,leeneia 20 May 11 - 10:35 PM
eftifino 21 May 11 - 02:01 AM
GUEST,stormbuster 21 May 11 - 10:41 PM
John P 22 May 11 - 03:06 PM
GUEST,me 08 Jun 13 - 07:45 PM
kendall 08 Jun 13 - 08:26 PM
Joe_F 09 Jun 13 - 12:24 AM
Ron Davies 09 Jun 13 - 10:21 AM
Ron Davies 09 Jun 13 - 10:26 AM
McGrath of Harlow 09 Jun 13 - 10:45 AM
bobad 09 Jun 13 - 10:50 AM
Mark Ross 09 Jun 13 - 04:17 PM
GUEST,pete from seven stars link 09 Jun 13 - 05:27 PM
JohnInKansas 09 Jun 13 - 09:45 PM
MGM·Lion 10 Jun 13 - 04:37 AM
Bert 10 Jun 13 - 06:43 PM
Mr Red 11 Jun 13 - 06:03 AM
JohnInKansas 11 Jun 13 - 09:54 PM
MGM·Lion 11 Jun 13 - 11:55 PM
MGM·Lion 12 Jun 13 - 12:07 AM
MGM·Lion 12 Jun 13 - 12:18 AM
GUEST,gillymor 12 Jun 13 - 04:34 PM
GUEST,Arkie 13 Jun 13 - 10:24 AM
Dave Hanson 13 Jun 13 - 10:42 AM
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Subject: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Kaleea
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 12:24 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


In preparing for an upcoming performance for the blue-haired crowd, I am in need of funny jokes--one or two liners, or perhaps Q & A type jokes pertaining to the life & times of the average Hillbilly. General audiences only, please. Thanks! Kaleea


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 12:30 AM

Sorry....Don't have any........just redneck tales of Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg Boys some of which Tweed has been good enough to chronicles on his website.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 01:50 AM

One time there was a goddam Yankee moved to Arkansas, and got elected to the Legislature. The first thing he done was put in a bill to make Arkansas rhyme with Kansas, just because it is spelled that way. The Arkansawyers got pretty mad, of course, so they begun to stomp and holler. There was one old man that hollered louder than anybody else, and finally the rest of 'em quietened down to hear what he had to say.

"Mister Speaker, God damn your soul," says he, I've been trying to get the floor for thirty minutes, but all you do is squirm around like a dog with a flea in his ass! I'm Senator Cassius M. Johnson from Johnson county, where we raise men with peckers on, and the women are glad of it. Why, gentlemen, at the tender age of sixteen them girls can throw their left tit over their right shoulder, and squirt milk up their ass-hole as the occasion demands! When I was fourteen years old my prick was as big as a roasting-ear, the pride and joy of the whole goddam settlement. Gentlemen, I could piss half-way across the Ouachita!"

Everybody clapped when they heard that, but the Speaker begun to holler "Out of order! Out of order! and pound on his desk.

"You're goddam right it was out of order," says Senator Johnson, "Otherwise I could have pissed clear across the son-of-a-bitch! That's the kind of folks we raise in Johnson county, gentlemen, and we ain't never been dictated to by nobody. And now comes this pusillanimous, blue-bellied Yankee who wants to change the name of Arkansas. Why, Mr. Speaker, he compares the great state of Arkansas to KANSAS! You might as well liken the noonday sun in all its glory to the feeble glow of a lightning-bug's ass, or the fragrance of an American Beauty rose to the foul quintessence of a Mexican burro's fart! Can all the power of this Assembly enlargen the puny penis of a Peruvian prince to a ponderous pagan prick, or the tiny testicles of a Turkish tyrant to the bulky bollocks of a Roman gladiator? Change the name of Arkansas? Great God Almighty damn! No, gentlemen! Hell fire, no!

"What the God dam hell is things a-coming to, anyhow? Why, gentlemen, it's got so a man can't take down his pants for a good country shit without getting his ass full of birdshot. Change the name of Arkansas? Great God Almighty damn! You may piss on Jefferson's grave, gentlemen. You may shit down the White House steps, and use the Declaration of Independence for a corncob. You may rape the Goddess of Liberty at high noon, and wipe your tallywhacker on the Star Spangled Banner. You may do all this, gentlemen, and more. But you can't change the name of Arkansas! Not while one Patriot lives to prevent such desecration! Change the name of Arkansas? Hell fire, no!"

History don't tell us what happened after that, but everybody knows the Yankee's bill was killed, dead as a whore's turd in a piss-pot. Them sons-of- a-bitches up North think the whole thing was just a joke, and some of 'em claim Senator Johnson didn't make no speech at all. But every true-blooded Arkansawyer knows that Senator Cassius M. Johnson jumped into the breach that day, to save the Bear State from treason and disgrace. We ain't going to forget it, neither.

--from Vance Randolph's "Pissing in the Snow"

--copied from here.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 03:07 AM

Isn't a clean hillbilly a joke on its own?


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 08:48 AM

ummmm, Jim....I suspect she's not gonna be able to use that.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 08:53 AM

Some Vermonter jokes might transfer... 2 Vermonters went bear hunting. As they were going along, they came to a fork in the road, and the sign said Bear Left. So they went home.

A city slicker was driving around Vermont (leaf-peeping, probably) and saw an old man rocking on his front porch. Hey, old timer, you been rocking on that porch all your life? he calls. The old timer slowly answers... Not yet.

Another old couple was out on their front porch, rocking, with an old hound dog lying next to them. At one point the dog begins to, well, clean hisself, the way dogs do... the old man looks over and sighs, Sure wish I could do that. The old lady rocks a bit, then says Well, reckon you could... might get bit, though!


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 09:39 AM

Sorry about my first submission, Kaleea. I know you can't use it, but I couldn't resist. I went looking on the 'net for stories collected by Vance Randolph, and that's the only one I found. Actually, most of what Randolph collected wouldn't fit your criterion of being a one- or two-liner.

See the thread Arkansas Traveler for some better ideas.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 10:50 AM

How can you tell when you're in an upper-class hillbilly neighborhood?

......there's two pickups up on blocks in the front yard!


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,Phillip
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 11:12 AM

...or if yer wife uses the phrase: "Honey, kin you move this transmission so's I kin tek a bath?"


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 12:26 PM

If 2 hillbillies get divorced... are they still cousins?


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 12:53 PM

how about a bluegrass joke transmuted?
Whats got 21 teeth and 15 legs?
A hillbilly convention! Yeeeee Doggggggies.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: DeanC
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 01:09 PM

Why is it so hard to solve murders in West Virginia?
Because there are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.

That came to me from Craig Johnson of the Double Decker String Band.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 01:10 PM

I was going to object to some of the stereotypes exhibited above, but then I reconsidered…

Way back when "The Beverly Hillbillies" was a current hit popular TV show, I remember that a reporter from TV Guide went into Appalachia to find some real hillbillies and get their reaction to the show. It was expected that they would find the stereotypes offensive, but on the contrary, they loved it! They remarked, "Of course the people around HERE aren't that backward, but there are some people over in [the next] County that are just like that!" And the people in the next county said more or less the same thing! I guess that tells you something about the nature of humor.

In my experience, there's nothing that true hillbillies like better than corny satire based on hillbilly stereotypes. (My mother was one.) The mugging with fake beards, exaggerated accents, overalls, etc., that you saw in "O Brother Where Art Thou?" were right on the money. That stuff thrives today in Branson, at Silver Dollar City and thereabouts.

I should add one qualification: Hillbillies do frown on dirty jokes and coarse language in mixed company. I read somewhere that Vance Randolph wouldn't even pronounce the title of his own book "Pissing in the Snow" when speaking to a mixed audience.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,Desdemona at work
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 01:22 PM

There should be some useful fodder here; oldies but goodies:

http://www.tufts.edu/~mconnoll/redneck.html


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 01:47 PM

Wow - how did my old alma mater get mixed up in this?


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Louie Roy
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 01:58 PM

A hillbilly from Kentucky by the name of Hicks went to New York and met a girl who took him to a party and was introduccing him to some of her friends.One of the people she was introducing him to she said MR Hicks from Kentucky I'd like you to meet MR Cobbs from New York.MR Cobbs said to MR Hicks do you know what we do with hicks here in New York? No replied MR Hicks but I know what we do with Cobbs in Kentucky


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,Les B.
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 02:04 PM

These two hillbillys go deer hunting late one fall, and the snow is deep. They notice a brand new, shiny SUV parked on the road and by the footprints they can tell a couple of city slickers are out hunting too.

A bit later they meet the two city fellows dragging a dead deer toward their vehicle. After the howdys, one hillbilly remarks that the deer would drag easier if the city slickers pulled it by the head instead of the legs, since the hair lies flatter that way. The city boys thank them for the advice and the hillbillys continue on up the mountain.

About half an hour later the two partys meet up again, and one of the city slickers says to the hillbillys - "You know it's a lot easier pulling this deer,like you suggested, but since we traded ends it sure seems like we're getting further and further from the vehicle!"


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,BigDaddy
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 06:26 PM

I'd suggest that it's like the "N" word...if you aren't one, leave it alone.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: mack/misophist
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 06:48 PM

I ain't one now but I was oncet. Go on ahead.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 29 Jan 02 - 07:01 PM

You mean h*******y, doncher?


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Kaleea
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 02:03 AM

Thanks for the above clean suggestions. And for those who are concerned that I am poking fun at the expense of others, you should be aware that the persons performing, including myself, have roots to farms with no plumbing or electricity, which were geographically located in hills. We are poking fun at we ourselves. Lighten up, Bubba! Any more jokes, 'catters?


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 06:47 AM

As I'm a Limey, I feel a bit out of order suggesting this, but have you never heard the "Arkansas Traveller" with the dialogues between the "Old Man" and the "City Slicker Traveller". The way I've heard it performed, only the "A" part is played (with the jokes in between) until the very end when the the "B" part finally gets played.

Bits that I can remember (I'm probably starting something now!) go:

SS: "Say old man, can I take this road to .....?"
OM: "Nope ain't no use taking this road to .... - they already got one there".

SS: "Say old man, does this road fork round here somewhere ?"
OM: "Dunno about fork - but jest over that ridge it splits all to pieces!"

SS: "Old Man - you don't seem very clever to me".
OM: "Nope - perhaps not - but I ain't lost !"

SS: "Could you put me up for the night old man"
OM: "Only in the barn and the roof leaks"
SS: "Why don't you mend it then ?"
OM: "Every time I go to mend it, it's always raining"
SS: "Why don't you mend it when it ain't raining ?"
OM: "Coz it don't leak then !"

SS: "Say old man you lived here all your life ?"
OM: "Not yet !"

SS: "Say old man - will I be able to ford that river over there ?"
OM: "Don't see why not - my ducks done forded it this morning - and it only came up to (indicating waist) on them !"

SS: "Say old man - how'd like to buy this horse ? - runs five miles without stopping"
OM: "Wouldn't be much use to me - only three miles into town - have to walk two miles back !"

SS: "Do you live here alone old man ?"
OM: "Nope my son lives with me - he's out hunting"
SS: "What hunting on the sabath - don't he fear the Lord ?"
OM: "Nope - he takes his gun wherever he goes !"

SS: "Old man I can't see much between you and a fool"
OM: "Nope - a banjo and a fiddle's all I can see" (depends on instruments)

SS: "Say old man - why don't you play the other half of this tune ?"
OM: "Do you know it stranger ? - I'd be indebted if you could learn it me"
("B" part of tune etc.)

It's always the short punch lines the get the biggest laughs ie "Not Yet !"


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 08:51 AM

It was a hillbilly who invented the toothbrush. Anyone else would have called it a teethbrush.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: catspaw49
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 08:08 PM

Well, I love Jim's first story and though it may be long, it "rings" with truth.......from an attitude standpoint ya' know?

You have some good ones here gang!!!

You can tell you're in a hillbilly state when the state bird is the fly. And you can tell it's in the Deep South if the state bird is the gnat. Down in Albany, Georgia, you can tell the kids with the best Moms because the kid has the seat of his pants cut out and he's bare-assed......Keeps the gnats off his face.

Cletus and Rufus were trying to get to Ohio but when they reached the Ohio River, they couldn't find a bridge to cross. Cletus said, "Rufe, you turn on your flashlight and shine it across the river and I'll walk across on the light beam. Then I'll shine mine back across and you walk over." Rufus replied, "Hell no!!! What kinda' fool do you take me for? I'll probably get halfway across and you'll turn off the flashlight!"

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 09:57 PM

Two hillbillys in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The hillbilly said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The hillbilly paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 10:40 PM

You might try this Jeff Foxworthy site, "You might be a redneck if..."


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: ddw
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 11:32 PM

Caleb Burnett was gettin' to be a right strappin' boy when he finally decided it was time to take a wife. He waited till Saturday mornin', put on his Sunday-go-to-meetin' cloths and lit out fer town, where he knew there'd be a dance that night.

When the dance got under way, Caleb looked over the girls there and picked out the best lookin' one he could find that wasn't already spoke for and went to work. By the time the dance ended, he had a promise of marriage.

Sunday mornin' he collected his bride-to-be, they went to the church and got married and then and they headed up the holler so she could met paw an' the rest of Caleb's family.

Well, Maw and Paw Burnett were just tickled with Caleb's choice. Maw put on a real fine dinner of chicken 'n' dumplins, collard greens, black-eyed peas and apple pie and the menfolk just sat around drinkin' likker and eyein' Caleb's new wife.

'Long about sundown, Caleb decided it was time to do what generations of Burnett boys had done. He took his new wife by the hand and led her up the path and across the ridge to the family's other little cabin.

Back down at the main house things settled down and Paw was sittin' out on the stoop, nippin' on a jug, smokin' his pipe and rockin' in his chair. He was just feelin' real good when a shot rang out. Paw stopped, listened for a minute and then went back to rockin'.

A few minutes later Caleb came just flyin' down the path and he was all upset. He came runnin' up on the porch and said: "Aw, Paw — I had to shoot her!"

Paw, figurin' out right away that something serious was goin' on, stopped rockin' and said: "Yeah, why's that, Boy?"

Caleb said: "Aw, Paw — she was a virgin!"

Paw thought about that for a minute, took a pull on his pipe and said: "Ya done right, Boy. Any woman ain't good enough fer kin ain't good enough fer a Burnett."


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 30 Jan 02 - 11:46 PM

Yeah, I bet these jokes are real funny to all y'all sittin out there blessed with a full set of teeth, two eyes that look in the same direction, and yer own pair of shoes!


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Banjer
Date: 31 Jan 02 - 05:39 AM

Well, EJ, I guess two outta three ain't a bad thing!!


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 31 Jan 02 - 09:09 AM

A visitor to an Ozark village was amazed to see several pairs of twins around town. In the general store, he even saw one woman with three pairs of twins following her around. Unable to contain his curiosity, he said, "Goodness! Do you get twins every time?" She replied, "Heck, no. Most of the time we don't get anything at all."


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Bobert
Date: 31 Jan 02 - 03:54 PM

Okay, a couple of old standards from up here in the hills of West "By God" Ginnyburg...

What's a hillbilly seven course meal? ... Give?... A possum and a six pack...

Okay, how many hillbillies doea it take to eat a possum?... Give?... Two. One to eat the possum and the other to watch for cars..

Good luck with your performance... Bobert


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MarkS
Date: 31 Jan 02 - 07:51 PM

Lets show a little politeness around here and refer to them as Hillwilliams.
Mark


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Jan 02 - 08:22 PM

LOL! Up here in Canada we ain't, like, got too many hillbillys, eh? But we make up for it with hosers and tabernacs. The hosers are, like, in Ontario, mostly, but you can find some out west here and there too. The tabernacs are, like, in Quebec, and they talk mostly in French, eh? Then there are the, like, Newfies eh, and they are like hosers who smell like fish, eh? At least they, like, used to, till the fishery went bust, eh? That pretty well covers it, eh?

Anybody, like, got a beer? Or a smoke? I'm flat broke, eh?

There is a band in town tonight in Orillia, and they call themselves "Live Sex Show". No kidding. It's on the sign outside...says "Tonight - Live Sex Show - starting 9 pm". I bet every hoser in town will be there. There's another band called "Free Beer" and they, like, packed the place when they were in town.

- LH


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Barbara Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 02 - 09:14 AM

We were having dinner in a little place in the Berkshire HILLS, and the bar had a sign that said "Free Drinks Tomorrow Night."


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Midchuck
Date: 01 Feb 02 - 11:27 AM

I heard of a band that took the name "Free Beer." They always got a good crowd when they were billed as appearing at a bar, but it wasn't long before no bars would hire them, so they had to change the name.

One time we had a restaurant gig, and someone called and asked what "Woodchucks' Revenge" was. When told it was the group that was playing that night, they said: "Oh, that's all right, then. I was afraid it was the dinner special!" True story.

Peter.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Feb 02 - 07:06 PM

Hillbilly pickup line: Nice Tooth


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Willie-O
Date: 01 Feb 02 - 09:32 PM

LH, if you don't think we got hillbillies in Ontario, You ain't been to Mountain Grove.

Or Lavant, or Maple Leaf, or a couple of other places I bin, eh.

Of course, hosers are more common, eh.

Willie-O


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Feb 02 - 06:10 PM

Being from t'other side o'the pond I have no experience of hillbillies but beeing a city dweller we have plenty lines about various local out of towners (Woolybacks)

City dweller(CD): "Why are you pulling that piece of string?"
Woolyback(WB): Ever tried pushing one?

CD: Why are you pushing that wheelbarrow upside down?
WB: If I had it the right way up people would put things in it.

I'll probably remember more once I find where I left my brain cell...

Cheers

Dave the Gnome


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Feb 02 - 06:54 PM

LOL! Every place has its own version.

Willie-O - Okay, so I ain't been to Mountain Grove, eh? An' I ain't been to Lavant nor Maple Leaf either. But I been to, like, Blind River, eh? You can't spit out the window without, like, hittin' a hoser in Blind River, but we don't, like, do it with our sisters, eh? We do it with anyone else we can get, but not our sisters. The last time I done it, eh, I was, like, so drunk that I can't, like, remember who I done it with. I do not have a sister, so I am safe on that, but my brother says I done it with the neighbour's dog which is a dumb black Lab retreever. He is a fippin' liar! I mean, my brother is, not the dog... NO ONE will do it with him and that's why he tries to make me look bad, cos he's a big loser, eh?

The above text is a direct transcript from my pal, BDiBR, who is seen now and then on this forum. He's recovering from an extended binge at the moment, so I have taken the liberty of typing this out on his behalf.

- LH


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,kaylee
Date: 19 May 11 - 08:51 PM

Eh, you dont need to be talking about this there could be children that love hillbilly jokes and they put in clean hillbilly jokes just like me because were having a hillbilly field day and i cant say this in front of over 800 children through kindergarten to sixth grade could you well if you could i couldnt because im not that way im not dirty minded like some people that put this on the internet and disgrace some people that get on the internet and read this stuff and it digraces them and they think well i wouldnt want to be them and disgrace myself like that do you get what im getting to because christians like me think that i mean im not sayin that your disgraceful to your self im just sayin that your disgraceful to your self.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 19 May 11 - 10:17 PM

I think that may be the longest sentence with no punctuation that I have seen in ages.....but at least it fits this thread.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: J-boy
Date: 20 May 11 - 12:58 AM

I named my cat Kaylee. Kaylee go and find the catalyzer for that compression coil, gorrammit! I've got me some cows to smuggle. We'll pick up the black market beagles later. Xie Xie.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 20 May 11 - 10:35 PM

I got a clean one, and it's historic, too.

Once upon a time, the Methodists send Bishop Francis Asbury to America to start the Methodist church here. He succeeded, as you can see by the number of Asbury Methodist Churches there are today.

Asbury, it is said, had a son who went into politics. One day, a couple committee members went up into the hills to convince an old peckerwood to vote for him.

"He's the son of a bishop! The son of a bishop!"

"Hell, all them politicians are. Where does he stand on evolution?"


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: eftifino
Date: 21 May 11 - 02:01 AM

2 Hillbillys in the General Store getting set for winter. One complains that his new longjohns are too tight. The other says:

"Of course, Josh, they're too tight. You've got 'em on over last year's and the year afores!"


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,stormbuster
Date: 21 May 11 - 10:41 PM

OK"
What's the difference 'tween a Texas Tonado and a hillbilly divorce?

THEY AIN'T AIRY!

Either way someone's gonna lose a trailer!


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: John P
Date: 22 May 11 - 03:06 PM

"Say, Lem, what's this I hear about you goin' to the moon?"


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,me
Date: 08 Jun 13 - 07:45 PM

nope


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: kendall
Date: 08 Jun 13 - 08:26 PM

Most of these "jokes" were around in Maine when I was a boy. Some of the humor is in my 32 year old book.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 12:24 AM

Hey, maw, they hung paw from the tree out back.
Did ya cut him down?
No.
Why not?
He warn't dead yet.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Ron Davies
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 10:21 AM

Tornado struck Bygod WV and caused $2 million worth of improvements.




Zeke and his wife Lulabell left WV and moved to the big city.   After many years Lulabell died so Zeke called up the funeral parlor to have her picked up.   

Funeral parlor worker:    Where do you live?

Zeke: The corner of Main and Eucalyptus

Funeral parlor worker:   How do you spell Eucalyptus?

Zeke:   How 'bout I just drag her over to Oak?





This last one I heard from a friend who lives in WV:

The've found that cars, like planes, have black boxes which help investigators determine the cause of a crash.    It turns out that in cars with West Virginia, Tennessee and Georgia license plates the most common last message is;   "Here, hold my beer and watch this."


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Ron Davies
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 10:26 AM

"They've found"


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 10:45 AM

I imagine there's a hillbilly equivalent to the one from Newfiundland I heard,

"What's black and blue and floats in the bay?.

'"Last fella came in here and told a Newfie joke."


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: bobad
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 10:50 AM

Hilbilly fire alarm


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mark Ross
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 04:17 PM

Why isn't there a TV show called "CSI Kentucky"?
There aren't any dental records and all the DNA is the same.

Mark Ross


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 05:27 PM

hillbilly family goes to the big city for the first time.the old man and his son went into the hotel leaving mah in the pick up outside.the ol timer is fascinated b y the lift.he observes an old frumpy looking woman enter this sliding door.seconds after he sees an attractive young woman get out the lift.
he turns to his son and says "quick chuck,go get yer mah".


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 09 Jun 13 - 09:45 PM

An old thread, but maybe someone still needs a joke?

From the "Home Rangers Joke Book"

The Home Rangers combine bluegrass and cowboy songs into the perfect mix. The Home Rangers are: Richard Crowson-Editorial Cartoonist for the Wichita Eagle, Andrew McCalmont-Oil Man, Stan Greer-6th Grade teacher in Maize, America, David Hawkins-Insurance Guy and former Kansas Mandolin and Banjo Championship winner.

The Home Rangers have opened shows for Alison Krauss, Michael Martin Murphey, Red Steagall, Waddie Mitchell, and have played the prestigious Walnut Valley Festival in Winfield, Kansas.

Their recently released debut album entitled, "Bad Boots," includes cowboy songs, western music, and the original title song. Though many of the songs may be familiar, the arrangements are unique to The Home Rangers. Around the campfire, the boys call their music "moograss."



(No publication info or © shown, although you may need to make some adjustments. A few of these depend on "delivery" and appropriate mispronounciation.(?) Some can probably be turned into any ethnic/national/regional kind you need.

Did you hear about the shipload of yo-yo's that sank fourteen times?

Q. What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
A. Hop in.

Q. Whatdaya call a dog with no legs?
A. Doesn't matter, he's not gonna come anyway.

Q. What's Irish and sits outside?
A. Patio Furniture.

Q. Why was Isaac 12 years old when God called Abraham to sacrifice his son?
A. Because if he had been a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

In a fancy restaurant David asked the waiter,
"Waiter, do you have frog's legs?" The waiter replied, "No, I just walk this way because my pants are too tight.

One day Stan saw Richard in the middle of the day.
He asked, "Why aren't you working?" Richard replied,
"The boss and I had a fight and he won't take back something he said,"
"What did he say?"
"You're fired."

Stan is happy to take this opportunity to say that his long time troubles with the IRS are nearly over. He recently received a letter from them that said, "Final Notice."

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A. A-flat minor.

Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. It was the chicken's day off.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide.

Q. What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?
A. Boy, I'll never do that again for two bucks.

The Home Rangers were dining out on the road. The special of the day was beef tongue. Andrew ordered the tongue, Richard ordered the tongue, and David ordered the tongue. When it came time for Stan to order, he said, "I don't think I could stand to eat anything that came out of the mouth of an animal. Just bring me a couple of eggs."

Q. Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?
A. Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer . . invite two and they won't drink any.

Stan's grandfather died and he told the undertaker he wanted to give Grandpa the very best. They had the funeral and the undertaker sent him a bill for $16,000.
Stan paid it. A month later he got a bill for $85, which he paid, and the next month there was another $85 bill, and the next month another $85 dollar bill.
Finally Stan called up the undertaker and the undertaker said, "Well, Stan, you said you wanted the best for your Grandpa, so I rented him a tux."

When Stan was a kid they were so poor, when his little brother broke his arm, they had to take him out to the airport for x-rays.

They were so poor they'd lick stamps for dinner.

One fine summer day Stan was visiting pawn shops in Wichita when he spotted a beautiful golden rat that he just had to have. When he asked the price, he was told it was $500 with the explanation, and $50 without the explanation.
Being a bright fellow, Stan forked over the $50 and headed home with his prize. As he left the parking lot, he noticed several rats following his pickup. As, he headed down Broadway, thousands more joined them. Soon, every rat in Wichita was following. At the Johnny Mack bridge, Stan hurled the golden rat out the window into the Arkansas River. All the rats promptly jumped in the river after it and drowned.
Stan immediately headed for the pawn shop. When he walked through the front door, the proprietor said, "I'll bet you're here for the explanation." "No," Stan replied, "I'm here to buy that golden banjo."

One day while out on the range, David was bitten by a mad dog. He immediately took out a pad and pencil and started to write.
Stan ran up to him and said, "You don't have to write your will. They can cure rabies."
"It's not my will," David replied, "it's a list of people I'm going to bite."


Have you ever wondered when you see a V of geese flying over why one side of the V is longer than the other side?
It's because there are more geese on the long side.

David: "Stan, if it wasn't for one thing you'd be a bald faced liar."
Stan: "Oh yeah, what's that?"
David: "Your beard."

John


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jun 13 - 04:37 AM

As has been remarked before above, jokes vary in their regional targets. They have hillbilly jokes in the west. We have Irish jokes in England. They have Polish jokes in New York --

Have you heard about the man found dead at the bottom of the Grand Canyon wearing roller-skates? The police were baffled till they found out his name was Evel Kowalski.

(I got that one from Heather Wood, who lives in NY).

~M~


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Bert
Date: 10 Jun 13 - 06:43 PM

...and in Texas they tell true stories about Aggies.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Jun 13 - 06:03 AM

In New Zealand they tell Australian jokes. Or Mauri jokes, or cocoanut jokes (Islanders from Somao, Fiji etc).
In Poland they tell Russian jokes.
In Latvia they tell Russian jokes.
In France Belgie jokes.
In the Black Country (UK industrial area north of Birmingham) They tell Enoch & Eli jokes which are at least locality-free, but not averse to telling Willenhall jokes in Wednesbury, and Wednesbury jokes in Humpshire. The latter is the familiar name for Willenhall where the local industry was lock mekkin'. The humps refer to the rounded shoulders of the lock makers, and the tale was that they had seats with alcoves in pub for the lock mekkers 'umps. I never saw any.

The classic description of Willenhall was that they put the pig on the wall to watch the band go by. A story I have heard about nearby villages in Yorkshire, and in the Forest of Dean.

We tend to compare ourselves with those we know, and that has to be geographically close in most cases. Us and Them.


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 11 Jun 13 - 09:54 PM

While the more complex jokes often are tailored to an ethnicity or social class/group, and some of them only really work for one kind, the one-liners can usually be simply modified to whatever group you want to insult. Some adjustment is necessary anyway, if you're going to come across as telling your own jokes instead of just reciting someone else's.

For both kinds, it's generally best to reserve your needling to groups of which you, yourself, are a member or at least a close fellow-traveller - or at least get a straight man of an appropriate reputation with a good sense of humor. (And you can create any reputation you need for a regular straight man, if you can get one to stick with you for a few performances.)

"The library at the (Ag college/Presidential archive/any small town) burned down last night.
They lost dozens of really good books.
Some of them hadn't even been colored in."

John


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Jun 13 - 11:55 PM

"they put the pig on the wall to watch the band go by. A story I have heard about nearby villages in Yorkshire, and in the Forest of Dean"
.,,.,.
Oh, but taint no story, but tis true in the Vorest, Mr R. My late wife Valerie did come from Lower Soudley in the Vorest of Dean, where er vather Donald Godwin was a Vree Vorester and a miner as ever was and worked in Waterloo Pit as pit-pony boy when e were just 14, and her Uncle Ivor Hopkins did tell er that when e were a lad e did see that pig on that wall is very self, as Ruardean Colliery Band did goo by, just up there in next village o Ruspidge!...

And er Uncle Ivor's vather did goo to prison vor the bear*, zo e did know what e did talk of...

~M~


*see section
    1.1 Who killed the bears?

in -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ruardean

tho not surprisingly the version in Soudley was not identical: an Italian, only one bear, & prison not fines.
Folklore lives...


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Jun 13 - 12:07 AM

I didn't make that up, BTW; I don't mean the actual pig bit obviously, but its narration as it came to my late wife -- all as I got it from Valerie, who got it from her much-loved old neighbour whom she called 'Uncle', Ivor Hopkins. He would tell her also that when he had misbehaved as a child, his father would thrash him, saying as he did so, "I've been in prison, my bwoy, and I'll larn thee to stay out!"


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Jun 13 - 12:18 AM

For my wife's credentials, if interested, see her wikipedia entry ~~

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valerie_Grosvenor_Myer


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 12 Jun 13 - 04:34 PM

I once asked a hillbiily what kind of music he liked and he replied,
"Both. Country and Western."


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: GUEST,Arkie
Date: 13 Jun 13 - 10:24 AM

A little late perhaps, but anyone interested in hillbilly humor that is suitable for all might check on the book "Slow Train Through Arkansas".

Here a clip that can provide a preview.

Slow Train


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Subject: RE: Got any clean Hillbilly jokes?
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 13 Jun 13 - 10:42 AM

That's a queer place, Birmingham, how can a million people have the same speech impediment ?

Dave H


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