You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: ddw
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 09:59 PM

Back in the days between the big mistake and the Yorkshire Tornado, there used to be a really nice looking woman who worked in a building nearby. We'd meet almost daily on the street, exchange greetings, etc., until one day we struck up a conversation. I asked her if she'd like to have a drink and we went to a bar.

Things looked promising, we found several things we shared — music tastes being a biggie — and I asked her if she'd like to go to a concert with me.

I knew things were going off the rails when I went to pick her up and she had invited a friend along. The two of them spent the evening giggling at inside jokes, skipping hand-in-hand down the street in front of me and generally ignoring me.

Needless to say I didn't go back.

david

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: M.Ted
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 09:58 PM

When she invites you in and says, "My ex-husband is watching the kids, but he's cool with this, he'll sleep out on the couch."

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 08:56 PM

Har! Har! Oh, my God...dating! Great stories, Rick. In fact, lots of great stories on this thread.

When I want a really great date I go to the grocery store or the bulk food place, and buy Medjul dates. They're incredible. Honey dates aren't bad, either.

The other kind of dates (with women) I can hardly be bothered with at this point. One is usually better off to develop friendships through common interests or during work activities or something like that...and just not bother with the traditional "date" at all, IMO. It's much better going out with someone who's already a friend.

As for you, Carol, I agree entirely...I absolutely would not continue going out with a guy who proposed marriage on the 3rd date...or a woman either, for that matter!

SINSULL - Sounds like ya found a real gem there... :-)

My condolences to all who have suffered miserably in the search for the ineffable rewards of romance!

- LH

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: michaelr
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 08:21 PM

Definitely stay away from people who don't like cats or music!

Having said that, I count myself lucky that I'm not out there "dating" at my age. That's because I'm married to the most wonderfully loving woman - we just celebrated our 21st anniversary, and it keeps getting better.

Cheers,
Michael

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:54 PM

Back about 10 years ago, I helped a friend compose a newspaper ad for the personals section. She showed it to two of her friends (they were in the 'forty something' age-bracket, and quite attractive) and it was decided that I had a 'knack' for this kind of thing.

The end result was that I was privy to information about dozens (it seemed like hundreds) of dates that each of them went on, as a result of these ads. At first it was kind of fun, but after a short while it was simply mindboggling (and not in a good sense). To begin with, the VAST majority of the letters that each received went straight into the trash bin without a second reading. Why? Incoherent, laughably bad spelling, written on LINED PAPER!, obvious attempts to cover up a 'married status', and most apparent...the vast majority had NOT READ or at least understood what the lady's ad had said about herself. I swear on my mother's grave, that one of the best written letters contained a photo of a guy with a fag dangling from his mouth....and the ad had had specified "Non smoker"!

The real capper was that almost ninety percent of the guys answered ALL three women's ads...although the 'requirements' stated in each couldn't have been more different.

The few dates they did go on, were for the most part disastrous, embarassing and occasionally downright funny...and these were from the "creme de la creme" of letters. In retrospect it's strikes me that the missing ingredient was simply "social skills"...those little voices inside your head that say "Don't go there, it's RUDE", or "Would YOU like to be treated this way"?

It may have just been nervousness, but one of the women was amazed at how many of the men immediately wanted to tell their life's history....almost in monologue form. She felt that if someone is so bereft of friendly casual conversation skills (on a first date) imagine how 'heavy' the REST of the dates would be.

For what it's worth, one of the women DID find a compatible partner this way (you've met them Peter) and thinks the whole process was a hoot. To the best of my knowledge the other two are still VERY single, and I know their opinions of the 'available guy' pool are not terribly high.

It's the kind of thing I'm fascinated by, and I think one of the problems is simply WHERE we have our first encounters. Going out on a date is simply an un-natural act for humans beyond the age of...say...23, and by the time you're in your forties and fifties, it's so un-natural that Jerry Falwell would probably find it illegal.

Let's say you're meeting the person for the first time (or close to it) at some restaurant. You're both nervous, and you fall back on what you know best. (maybe it's astrology...or your childhood...or your opinions on Gun control, abortion, religion, or other pleasant non-confrontational topics) Strikes me that having met and known the person from some previous MUTUAL-INTEREST situation, ie: a club, a regular group that frequents the same bar, pub quiz league, excursion group...whatever,...makes the 'date' feel more like a continuation of that other activity, although with arguably higher stakes. At least you can chat about stuff that you've both already experienced before...and the other people that you both know.

I had a (blind)"Date from Hell" once that I knew was going nowhere after 10 minutes, but I stuck it out through sheer lack of guts to terminate it in the restaurant. We hadn't even ordered the main course when I knew there would be absolutely NO future between myself and someone who announced her expressed hatred of cats! The fact that she also declared her vegetarianism, penchant for jogging, weight lifting, and admiration for conservative politics, would eventually have been hard to deal with, but I sat there like an idiot going 'uhuh, uhuh, uhuh..' when I was thinking, 'lady, I can't STAND you, and in a few hours it's gonna be MUTUAL'!

I know I didn't answer your question Peter (just saving you from telling me) but it's a RICH topic....you'll get some answers all right!

Cheers

Rick

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: CarolC
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:18 PM

If he asks you to marry him on the third date, say no.

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:16 PM

and what sense would that be?

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:13 PM

Well, you could say in a sense he was.

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:09 PM

She was looking over my CD/Vinyl collection.

She happened upon a Bob Dylan album:

"Wasn't he the guy who started Live Aid?"

I knew then, that it wouldn't work out...

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:04 PM

Yea, I once had a "meeting" following an e-contact. I told her to look for red. That worked! We went to the Art gallery - plenty of knowledge floating back & forth. Jane Austen museum (you really gotta be into JA for that one) but I was observing and projecting. Sally Lunn cakes & coffee. Plenty talk but maybe not rapport. And we left it there, but she walked me to my car, insisted, just had to eyeball it.
Didn't so much pick up on that one, drove away wiping it of my person. Guess I just don't have a big enough one!

BUT you can never tell, next up was a Joy. The first time I took Joy to a Folk Club she said "I will never be able to take it seriously if they play Greensleeves!", she loooovesssss ceilidhs!
I think I can cope without Greensleeves!

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: gnu
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 06:49 PM

Take her to the mall or the grocery store. If she can't walk about without getting in your way or can't pick up her foodstuffs without blocking the aisle with her cart, leave her there. And, if, while on your drive to the mall/grocer's, she squirms because you are within a mile of the vehicle in front of you, drop her off at the door while you go to find a parking space... nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 06:43 PM

I had a lovely man confess to paranoid schizophrenia on our first (and last) date. That wasn't the real tip-off. He followed up by emptying a satchel full of prescription drugs on the table with a complete description of each one's usefullness, side effects, etc.
He also became extremely agitated when talking about his ex...seems she had refused to give him a place setting of her best china so that he would have something to eat off of. Twenty years later it still sent him into a fury.

Subject: RE: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 06:39 PM

Who was picking up the bill in the second restarant? (I mean, if it was you, it might just have been her trying to be helpful.)

Stil, I don't know about that stuff. Married in 1964 and still married. But I suppose the two types of hints are the ones that would indicate that the other party doesn't like you - and more important (because not being liked is just a challenge), the ones that would tell you that you don't really feel in tune with the other party.

In tune indeed - musical tastes would play a big part in this for a lot of those here, I would hope.

Subject: You Know It's Not Going Anywhere When...
From: Peter T.
Date: 26 Feb 02 - 06:17 PM

Although one continues to do really stupid things the older one gets, it occurred to me recently (from experience) that one reason older people have tough times on dates is that they can pick up hints that this might be a bad idea much earlier than they used to. You might call this excessive pickiness, but on the other hand, you might say that you are saving the time of two people by recognising that this is not worth investing a chunk of the rest of your diminishing lifetime in. On a first date recently, I was interrogated in detail about the hour and minute of my birth so that it could be determined if we were compatible according to the stars. One of those subtle tipoffs. A year or so ago I went out with a very nice lady who, when the check came, in a very elegant restaurant, whipped out a calculator so as to determine whether the sales taxes had been calculated properly.

Any other subtle tipoffs Catters might wish to share from their experiences on the front lines?

yours, Peter T.