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BS: An iguana too far
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Subject: An iguana too far From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:25 PM Now, most of the world's press will probably not have covered this story. But thanks to the wonders of 21st century technology, Mudcatters need not be deprived of it. I was just going to give a link to the Guardian story, with a taster quote. But it's all tasty, so here it all is (but particularly note the quotes from the Police Constable):
Tuesday February 26, 2002
Britain's first known case of common assault by iguana-throwing went to court yesterday, with the alleged offensive weapon himself watching beadily from a tank by the dock.
The reptile, known as Igwig, and almost a metre long, curled up below magistrates at Newport, Isle of Wight, as his owner Susan Wallace, locally nicknamed the Lizard Lady, denied the attack and two charges of animal cruelty.
She admitted smashing a window, although not with Igwig. The court heard she upset customers at the Anchor pub in Cowes by putting the iguana on their heads and then hurled him at a doorman. With Igwig round her neck, she then went to the town's police station where officers thought she was wearing "a very brightly coloured scarf", until she took it off and threw it at them as well.
As Igwig dozed next to a water bottle and a selection of edible leaves, the court heard that Wallace, 47 and a former air steward, launched her first attack when she became "extremely drunk" and Anchor doorman John Rosenthal showed her the door. Igwig flew through the air at him twice while Wallace hacked at his shins, he said, adding: "I was startled but I don't lose my calm easily."
Wallace then weaved off to the police station to register a protest with PC David Harry, who told the court that after his scarf mistake he ended up with Igwig clinging to his back. He used his radio to call a colleague, PC Richard Van Arendonk, who told the court he arrived to find "a rather unusual situation".
"PC Harry looked up and said, 'I'm glad you've arrived, would you mind getting this off my back'," he said. "I walked up to him and saw a lizard in a vertical position by his ear. Then Wallace ran past, shouting obscenities at me and screaming 'My Iggy, my Iggy.' She tried to cuddle the iguana but ended up falling over and nearly squashing it."
Wallace said that she would never throw Igwig and claimed that he must have jumped. She told the magistrates: "He's my friend. He probably jumped in defence of me - he's done that before. When we went to the pub, I asked for extra vegetables for Igwig. I've had him for three-and-a-half years and he sleeps in a rolled-up towel on my bed."
The bench, which heard that Igwig turned brown with unhappiness after his evening out, either because of the throwing or because he missed his owner after being confiscated, found Wallace guilty.
But the chairwoman, Sally Crocker, told her: "We don't consider that in normal circumstances your care of Igwig is in any way wrong. It was taking him into licensed premises which was inappropriate behaviour."
Wallace will be sentenced in April, but meanwhile, to her delight, the iguana was returned to her care.
She told Mrs Crocker: "Oh thank you, thank you, the Igwig needs me," before hoisting him out of his tank and on to her shoulders as she left the court. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Jeri Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:38 PM Does a pub need a special license in England for iguanas? |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Jeri Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:39 PM Then again, maybe I ought to find out where the Isle of White is first... |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Jeri Date: 26 Feb 02 - 07:40 PM ...and learn how to spell it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: artbrooks Date: 26 Feb 02 - 08:02 PM Well, at least she only threw the critter. Consider the unlikely and unnatural offenses that Spaw could commit with (and upon) an iguana if given the opportunity. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Little Hawk Date: 26 Feb 02 - 08:34 PM Art, don't even suggest such horrors! If she must take the iguana to the pub, she could at least buy him a pint. Igwig should find himself a sharp lawyer and sue her for all she's got! Wonderful story. Thanks, McGrath. I'm glad to see the inhabitants of the British Isles have not lost their talent for both eccentricity and grace under pressure. - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST,Igwig Date: 26 Feb 02 - 09:10 PM Look, this isn't funny anymore! Someone has got to rescue me from this bloody woman! No wonder I'm turning brown. You would turn brown too if you had to put up with what I must endure on a daily basis. The woman is mad, and she's a sot! She should be locked up. A lizard's got no rights in this bloody country, no rights at all. I demand restitution! I don't want a pint, I want a quiet, dignified and sane life in the company of someone who is at least half-coherent at least half the time! Is that too much to bleedin' ask? I don't even like pubs! Someone book me passage to Barbados, and do it NOW!!! Igwig the Iguana |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: JudeL Date: 27 Feb 02 - 04:51 AM There just has to be a song in there somewhere! |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Wolfgang Date: 27 Feb 02 - 07:45 AM I don't know about all the world's press, but I read it this morning in my local paper and smiled. All the other news were predictable and boring, a suicide attack in Israel, the opposition in Germany doesn't like what the government does, several dozen died in India in religious clashes, a Olympic champion was doped, Bayern Munich played bad but won nevertheless, Bin Laden has not been found, so we yearn for some real news like that. Wolfgang |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 27 Feb 02 - 08:27 AM A link to a thread about the newly installed patron saint of this kind of story |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Coyote Breath Date: 27 Feb 02 - 09:42 AM Iguana Hurling is being considered for trial inclusion for the Summer Olympics. The IOC determined that having this event at the Winter games might sow confusion since many would have a hard time determining just which Hurling venue they wished to visit. sounds like a Monty Python sketch to me. CB |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST,Igwig Date: 27 Feb 02 - 11:17 AM Bloody hell! "Iguana hurling" is it? You people are sick. The world was far better off when reptiles ruled the roost. If that comet or meteor or whatever it was had not hit, you would still be scrambling around in the bushes getting eaten by my greater ancestors and then you'd laugh out of the other side of your florid mammalian faces, you Philistines! The madwoman is up to her tricks again, I'm sorry to say. She's got a throat like a sink. Oy! Here she comes... (signing off hurriedly) Igwig the Iguana |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Herga Kitty Date: 27 Feb 02 - 04:57 PM Yes, we have an iguana - well, we had an iguana yesterday. Igwig made the front page of yesterday's Guardian (the only other front page stories were "Zimbabwean opposition leader charged with plot to kill Mugabe" (equal size) and "He has our full confidence" (on which, as an employee of DTLR, I will not comment). But there are some nice unintentional links to other recent threads, like the pub in which the iguana hurling occurred was the Anchor (albeit Newport IOW not Sidmouth) and the defendant was Wallace - as was the lion that ate Albert. I understand that one of the reasons that the Albert monologues were so popular in certain quarters in Britain was because the lion shared a name with Mrs Simpson, Duchess of Windsor.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Little Hawk Date: 27 Feb 02 - 05:40 PM I can see real possibilities here for Igwig...such as a career in UK politics. He would make a far less cold-blooded PM than Maggie Thatcher, and probably has a keener grasp of current affairs than Blair to boot. - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 27 Feb 02 - 05:40 PM And here is a news story with a picture of Mrs Wallace and her gallant friend Igwig. From the look of him, I think it is highly likely that he was actually trying to protect her.
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: greg stephens Date: 27 Feb 02 - 05:44 PM Don't know about a song, but there could be a joke. Anyway, see, this woman goes into a pub, with an iguana under her arm.......... |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Little Hawk Date: 27 Feb 02 - 05:58 PM Lovely pictures. That is one handsome Iguana! And he apparently knows how to use a computer too. - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 27 Feb 02 - 09:06 PM Iguana be your lover baby Iguana be your man Iguana be your lover baby Iguana be your man...
Or there's Dylan, with his
Iguana be your lover, baby, iguana be your man. iguana be your lover, baby, Won't iguana be hers, iguana be yours.
And of coursem "Iguana hold your hand."
They're very romantic creatures you know. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Herga Kitty Date: 03 Apr 02 - 02:57 PM In case anyone was wondering... In today's Guardian newspaper's "In brief" section on page 9, it was reported (under the headline, 'Scales of Justice') that Mrs Susan Wallace was yesterday sentenced by the Newport IOW magistrates to a community rehabilitation order. She was also fined £250 and ordered to pay £55 compensation to the doorman. I hadn't realised that the Isle of Wight needed rehabilitating, but there you are. Probably never recovered from the Bob Dylan concert. Kitty |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: lamarca Date: 03 Apr 02 - 03:50 PM Just finished reading Carl Hiasson's latest mystery, Basket Case, in which the hero fends off an intruder by bludgeoning him across the head and neck with a frozen Savannah monitor lizard named Colonel Tom (a la Hitchcock and the lamb roast?). Igwig has it good. I once had an iguana named Max, who was about 10" long when he was given to me as a Christmas present. One year, about a ton of chopped veggies and three terrarium sizes later, I traded the now 3' long lizard for a 10 gallon fish tank and got some nice, small, colorful tropical fish. I did NOT share my bed with the iguana. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 03 Apr 02 - 04:45 PM Here's a fuller version of the story that I found. But no news of how Igwig is getting along. I see Mrs W has been barred from the pub, so I imagine he will be as well, since they are said to be inseparable.
Mrs Susan she got drunk,
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Charley Noble Date: 03 Apr 02 - 05:15 PM Perhaps, the appropriate song title should be "The Night of the Iguana," or maybe that's the name of the folk opera.;~) |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: artbrooks Date: 03 Apr 02 - 05:18 PM Would that make the constable who rescued him the knight of the iguana? Never mind, sorry I asked.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Lanfranc Date: 03 Apr 02 - 05:27 PM Mythical Iguanas and Kings - a link to another conspiracy thread ? "Leaping lizards, van Arendonk, the Dutch are invading" "Ja, so ve are!" Iguana bed! Alan
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Liz the Squeak Date: 04 Apr 02 - 01:17 AM It was a Dorothy L Sayers short story with the frozen leg of lamb that was then cooked and served to the investigating detectives and constables, rather than it go to waste. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Art Thieme Date: 04 Apr 02 - 01:53 AM My mother had an iguana. She skinned it and made a dildo bag out of him. When she died, I inherited the thing and used it to carry my picks from sea to shining sea all around the U.S.A. His name was Homer and I have nothing but the fondest memories of adventures I had with him. Ah, nostalgia !!! Art Thieme |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: Grab Date: 04 Apr 02 - 07:14 AM Art, I'm not sure I want to know how you know it was a bag for dildos. I have images of this being like a bandolier, except with, erm, different contents... And the obvious question - if you got the bag, who inherited the dildo? ;-) Graham. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST,Bagpuss at work Date: 04 Apr 02 - 07:16 AM LtS - That sounds suspiciously like a Roald Dahl short story... Bagpuss |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST,Dagenham Doc Date: 04 Apr 02 - 08:07 AM Thanks Kitty, and in case anyone else was wondering ,in todays Sun, the knockers on the bird on page three are huge..... No I mean huger than normal. Doc. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST Date: 05 Apr 02 - 12:01 AM http://www.hainesworld.com/art10.htm |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST,Ivan Date: 05 Apr 02 - 11:30 AM For a song try singing "She chucked an Iguana" to the tune of Guantanamera. Once you get to the translation part (I am a man of the tall pines etc.) let your imagination run free. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST,Igwig Date: 05 Apr 02 - 07:17 PM More tasteless humour at the expense of battered lizards! Well! The missus is in a foul mood, having been fined, and is about to undergo "rehabilitation". Ha! She can't see me smiling... Serves the old wretch right, it does. I give them scant chance of rehabilitating her, however. Does one rehabilitate Blackbeard the pirate? I think not! I have failed to secure passage to Barbados or Trinidad (my ancestral home), an no reliable counsel has come forward to assist me in securing compensation for physical and mental suffering in her company. These buggers won't accept pay in the form of lettuce for some reason...stupid gits! Still, it could be worse, I suppose. I could have been born a skink...or a gecko...and be in the care of a sadistic little boy who listens to hiphop all day long... Ugh! - Igwig |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST Date: 08 Apr 02 - 06:34 AM This bit of "musical nonsense" was brought to you by the same folks who have practiced and developed DWARF TOSSING. |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: RichM Date: 08 Apr 02 - 01:52 PM Someone asked if it's illegal to bring an iguana into a pub...the answer is no, unless it sings and the pub isn't licensed for entertainment! |
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Subject: RE: BS: An iguana too far From: GUEST Date: 24 Apr 02 - 11:52 PM dwarf throwing variation? |