Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 09:35 AM

I am worried that they have drink stowed aboard, and they might eventually get the hang of the rowing boat. It is only one nautical mile of frenzied, testosterone and human flesh-fuelled, bearded rowing to my Friesians. Who had an uncomfortable night in the stalls, during the storms. I could still detect the plaintive, haunted drunken voices of the stranded sailors though, on the still, sticky night air. And the ethereal haunting song of Noreen the siren, atop an abandoned supermarket trolley, its dull chrome glinting pulsingly in the intermittent, heavy moonlight.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 07:56 AM

Covered in what, Oaklet? Chocolate?

(Thought it was me wot was supposed to be luring sailors onto the rocks mudbanks?)

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,Oakley, stripped to the waist and covered in
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 06:46 AM

Whilst playing at the Hope and Anchor, on Saturday, I glanced backwards and watched the pride of the Humber Sloop and Preservation Society - The Comrade, slip it's river mooring and glide effortlessly past the pub into the Humber. It was on its way to remove the passengers from sister ship Amey Howson which had been grounded on the mud banks earlier. I don't know if it was Ossenflag's enchanting vocal prowess, or the sight of my nethers, or me breath, come to that but the crew ended up exactly in the same position about an hour later. Muttering obscenities. Anyone within gobbing distance of the Humber can now see a Humber Keel and a Humber Sloop stuck fast in the channel to the west of Read's Island. Where they are likely to remain for at least two weeks, on account of the state of the tides, and the crew will probably turn to cannabalism again, this being Lincolnshire. Another equine triumph!

Deanmeister, are you running out of ink again? Your posts have a certain pithiness about them?

It is a Tuesday, and someone should mention the session in Nelly's, Beverley about now, so it might as well be me. I am now in training. Who else is making an apperance?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 06:35 AM

Oaklet, you can display your likeness in all its glory on the Mudcat Member Photos and Info page (that's what it says in the drop-down menu at the top of this page- but I suggest that you don't restrict the photo to a particular part of your anatomy) by sending your photo to Pene Azul- instructions on that page, or click here to speed the process.

While you're at it, ask PA to put you in the Mudcat Locator. Currently it thinks there is only one catter in 'Ull, which methinks is not an accurate representaion of 'Ullites bid for Mudcat/world domination.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,DeanMeister
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 06:23 AM

anybody in?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 04:04 AM

John, how ya doin'? Jacksons insist on its male customers wearing trousers, particularly when bent over the freezers to retrive ice cream. There was a brief mention of seminal curry on your thread yesterday and I came over all uneccessary. Leeks are known for their deoderant properties, but not in Ossenflag's system. Are you going still jiggling in Beberley9 on Saturday?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 03:05 AM

ps I am glad they have stopped putting all them nines in my messages, i dont know who it was, but it was getting annoying me, I think it was pobably Guest trying to make trubble, 9there is no nines in my last 3 messages , so if there is any when you sees this they have added them when i wasn't loiking).john

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 02:59 AM

ps, I think NOrenn knows how to send the photos to mudcat, or you can get your own wibsete and make a link to it, i got on free one from lycos, i think it is johnevans@tripod@lycos or something like that, i cant find it now, it might be @lycos.uk or sumething I m not sure really.john

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 02:52 AM

yOu are right Oaklet, itt is to hot, i am going to put my trowsis on and go to Jacksons for sume ice creem, my feet are smelling very bad today, so i tried to wash them in the washing up bowel, but it leeks , so i ended up with a big puddle on the carpet and stood in it.john

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 02:17 AM

There is a certain siren calling at me and I'm about to dash meself on the rocks. Linda, why is the poor woman still interested when you've told her all about me? You havn't been on about Tom Sellick, body hair, muscular bits and an engaging smile again have you? Yesterday I received by e mail a photo taken during the Potato Orchestra's gig outside Holy Trinity. If the poor woman needs more proof that I am a complete shambles, I'll publish it here. Can anyone giz a clue how to do this?

John is suffering from the heat, obviously.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,ossonflags
Date: 30 Jul 02 - 01:38 AM

Oakiepoos,

Prepare the larger of the water tanks, break out the fog machine,large amounts of the best lincolnshire soot and the lycra posing pouch, we are appearing in the buskers thingy.Meet up at Beverley Picture playhouse for 10.00am on Saterday morn.

Ecstatic about the camels arse free breath.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Noreen
Date: 29 Jul 02 - 06:52 PM

Oh, Oaklet my dear, it would appear we are kindred spirits: I too performed this weekend barefoot! (with the wonderful Shellback Chorus in the aformentioned famed Warwickshire.) It is obviously meant to be. Linda has told me all about you, jOhn has given us his blessing, and your breath smells sweetly: for what are you waiting? Gary need never know...

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Jul 02 - 03:02 PM

cheers ossonflags will try to make durty nellies

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 29 Jul 02 - 09:56 AM

Hi Deanmeister, again.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Jul 02 - 09:52 AM

Boo.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,smallpiper
Date: 29 Jul 02 - 07:55 AM

You could be right about the submersible police crew oakers, they are a sneeky lot, fancy putting the plain clothes whistle division onto you, lucky you spotted them or you'd ha bin done for summit for sure!

Durham was good rather like the PVFF but smaller although the rugby club were most accomodating and served Bear till very late but there were no bannnnnnnnnannnnnnnnaaaasss or ice cream.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 29 Jul 02 - 03:34 AM

John, exactly how high is your bed off the floor? Ossonflags, my breath is now snogging sweet again. Are we booked in for the busking competition on Saturday? I am starting to think of the bicycle again.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,ossonflags
Date: 29 Jul 02 - 03:22 AM

Guest,the next "do"is at nellies (beverley) next sunday afternoon 2.oopm start till 6,7,8 ish.

There is a busking contest in beverley next saterday wich a feww of the nellies lot will be paryicipating, ourselves included (Punch The Horse) and we are playing in Hull at Durty Nellies on Saterday night 9.00 pm start.

Oakiepoos, I am ecstatic that you took my advice re.camels arse breath.I would suggest you extend the treatment by in vesting in a gross or two of extra strong mints before I have the privilage of taking the stage with you again.

John,I would lay of that Vindaloo if I was you.Did you check the wardrobe?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 08:36 PM

so a good night was had by all so it seems sorry i missed it had to obey the good lady wife and b.b.q in the sun whilst drinking copius amounts of alcohol hopefully will make the next durty nellies do will you clarify dates for me please

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 08:11 PM

I could not go because i had to go to wrrk, i was going to ring in sick, but i decided it was not werth the hassle i would get off mr miserable face the next day.It is really hot here 9in hull) so i have tuck all my cloths off and i am eeting sume ice creem, what you going to be arrested for Oaklet? I had a really weird dream last night=Mick the horse puncher was drilling a hole in my foot, using a cordless drill, 9very scary) i woke up frightened and i lokked under the bed to check mick was not there! 9he wasn't).i will go to nellies on sunday.john Ps. I think hot wether and to mutch bear gives you scary dreams.john

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 07:17 AM

I also got sexually assaulted by a drunk woman whilst she was on the way to the toilet. And I got kissed by 5 different people, at least 3 of which were those female types9. Following your advice, I have had All Bran this morning to try to jump-start the bowel. Given the unfortunate start to the thread, a fitting end, that.

Did anyone spot the Humberside Police Special Whistles Division lurking in the corner, cunningly disguised as a normal person without his trademark centre-parting?

"Lodger" Frank is in his vest, braces and enormous flannel trousers, reading the Sunday Mirror and puffing contentedly on his pipe, in the back garden at No 21. In 10 minutes, he will be in for a terrible shock, as me kit in coming right off, any minute now.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: ossonflags
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 06:49 AM

it was a memorable night in many ways.Not quote of the night but sight of the night must have been the undraped lower limbs of oakley.He being him he had to take it the one stage further by played the entire gig with no shoes on!!! This combined with the assorted aromas from the various botty burps and breath like a camels arse, had fair maidens,me and assorted strong men realing in their tracks. He is now known on both sides of the Humber as "The Sandie Shaw of the folk scene"

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 02:06 AM

It was a good gig. Quote of the night: "God I hate this job" (landlady whilst trying to deal with the flotsam). Garry and I are going to get arrested next Sunday in Beverley. And I am off to sort out the cows, in the hot sunshine.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,dodgy bird
Date: 28 Jul 02 - 01:53 AM

john not living with mr happy! will be at nellies for the sess i'll be the one that can't play the piano (fortunately cos it's not a very good one by all accounts) maybe see you and the the rest of the banana beer drinking crowd there oh and if it's hot do you think they'll let us take icecream

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 27 Jul 02 - 02:58 PM

And don't you underestimate how much Mrs D cherished her sausage in those dark days. I'm still trying to convince her that the ARP man won't see the light on through the blankets on the windows.

Gazza

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 27 Jul 02 - 02:50 PM

It's in an an hour and a bit, it's free and on the A1077 between Barton and Winterton at the confluence of the Ancholme river and the Humber. Gary is coming, when he's taken Mrs Drinkall to a place she'll never forget. I on the other hand, will be left talking to Frank about the war and how he made a small fortune out of rationing.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: ossonflags
Date: 27 Jul 02 - 04:36 AM

John,

this might sound like I am being a tad picky, but what as eating ice cream got to do with living five doors away from me?

Oh, and good luck with your new relationship with dodgy bird/mr. happy/guinness the hamster.

Is anyone going to rogers open mic session at the Sun Inn beverley tomorrow(4.pm start)?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 27 Jul 02 - 02:42 AM

PS. anybody else spotted the similarities between Mr Happy and dodgy bird? I wonder if they are related, they must be living together as they appear to be using the same computer!

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 27 Jul 02 - 02:36 AM

I'd be HAPPY to meet you!

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,dodgy bird
Date: 27 Jul 02 - 02:19 AM

hello john you should never ask a lady her age but as im a dodgy bird it is ok im 35 tall dark hair dont like curtains or hoovers im not too bad at washing clothes or rather i have one of those nice machines that do it all for you i can cook love animals and my hamster is called guiness hope this fills in a few gaps for you

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 27 Jul 02 - 12:24 AM

Hello, i habe just read the rest of this thread again, i habe met Oaklet and nOreen, and i think they will make a good pear, but Gary might get jellus, so do'nt tell him.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 11:59 PM

dodgy bird- i forgot to ask you few things=What is you're hamster called? how old are you? 9my next wumon should be ages 20 to 40) and what you look like? 9good lucking is not importunt, but i hope you not to skinny) you should hurry up if yoo want to go out with me, because i got my eye on one girl in Tip & spale, Hull, she can playing the piano.john

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 10:03 PM

HEllooo Dodgy Bird-I think we shud definetley meet up, I am looking for a new women 9my last one was crap, arguing and spending my hard erned muney on useless rubbish like curtains etc) My new wumun should be good at tidying up and washing the cloths, and she should like folk music and like animuls 9especially hamsters) you do'nt need to be good at cooking because i werk in a taker way.If you like to meet me, just let me know, i wo'nt put my adrees here in case sume bad peepol come round and nick my chips or bannnannas or ice creem, 9it was reaaly hot today so i got sume ice creem) but i live 5 doors away from mick 9ossenflags) i lokk forwerd to meet yoo.john

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,dodgy bird
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 06:10 PM

hello banjo flower the worrying thing is that i have sampled the delights of banana beer. chales wells has alot to answet for i believe the delights were found in the tap, beverley(sun inn0i believe nowadays)

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 04:45 PM

Gerry, Help me. There are more Americans on jOhn's thread. I've been polite to them so far, but you are much better at this sort of thing than me. Come on! talk to them. Don't leave it all to me.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Banjo-Flower
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 04:17 PM

Hi GUEST,dodgy bird you should be drinking bananery bear its lots better than beer is'nt it johN9

Gerry

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,dodgy bird
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 03:30 PM

john i feel a strange affinity towards you although i do not work in a curry shop i am rather partial to one of an evening i also have a dodgy keyboard which is fortunately behaving its self today i finish work late at night then go home and drink loads of beer whilst reading drivel on the net and i own a hamster. do you think we may have been seperated at birth?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 02:46 PM

John, as you are a thoroughly nice guy, I am glad that we have something in common, but secretly I wish that it wasn't smelling like shit at some time or other. Do you know that there are Americans on your thread? Right now! Banjo-Flower spotted them and shouted for me. Would you like to address some of your thoughts on bannanas, bear, bircleys, Transco, chicken or anything else for that matter to the Americans, jOhn? I think you should. They are waiting. In America, where it is probably dark.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 02:26 PM

Smallpiper, I have accounted for all 18 beasts. But not "Lodger" Frank or Mrs Drinkall at no 21.

There is talk around here of a crack Humberside Police Underwater Search and Ceiledh Unit which trains on Friday afternoons in a borrowed submarine in the crystal waters of the Humber. I think you may have spotted it earlier.

Enjoy Durham. It should be shit-free gig tomorrow, but Ossonflags may impose his own agenda on the affair, without realising that we are ready for him. I will have a detailed report on your desk at Goxhill on Wednesday.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 11:50 AM

Oaklet-weve got a lot in comom ,I used to smell of turkey shit 9I used to werk in a turkey factory) but now i smell of curry 9I werk in a currry ship).john

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 10:59 AM

Gary, Don't tell Noreen, but the van is a Toyota Hiace in blue. They should have made a cult film about it.

I had the very great pleasure earlier this morning, of meeting Ossenflags, dressed as an angler, ambling shambolically towards his workplace. He greeted me with the quaint Hullism "What the bloody hell are you doing here?" And I was touched. I offered him a lift, and he bought buns from the ship next to The Avenue Takeaway, the now-famous chicken specialist, bog-roll bereft, arse-washing employer of our very own jOhn.

Being engaged in the science of extracting money from the independent fitted furniture trade today, has meant leaving the cows in the capable hands of "Lodger" Frank, who turned up this morning looking very dapper in a trilby and navy blazer with a huge badge sewn on it.

I havn't been able to speak to him all afternoon, and Mrs Drinkall is also missing. I suspect that he might be neglecting his duties, and fear that I have one beast who is convinced it is one of Noreen's porpoises. If I am down to 17 freisians, I will seize his aging Metro. So help me.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,smallpiper
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 05:56 AM

Sorry wont be at Ferriby but will be folk partying it in Durham but have a good poo free gig won't you and I'll see you for a full report on wednesday at Goxhill. Oakley,is that one of your cows I see making a swim for freedom accross the crystal clear waters of the humber?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 05:25 AM

For God's sake, Oaklet, stop selling yerslf short. Not only does the dowry include seventeen cows and a Bedford Rascal, but also a highly decorative bicycle, slightly smoke damaged, and a bothy below sea level in the ague infested flood plain of the Humber. This is a man of some substance, if perhaps an inconsistent grasp on reality. I can tell you that Mrs Drinkall would very much like to get her cocoa there, three times every week.

Garforth

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 04:33 AM

Linda, explain that I am a semi-continent bald git with a ginger beard and that my mom still buys my underwear. And I smell of cow shit most of the time. That should discourage the poor woman, unless of course she is as disturbed as I am, in which case it might encourage her. You are her friend, for God's sake counsel her before it's too late.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 26 Jul 02 - 03:27 AM

Oakley, I shall be meeting up with Noreen at Warwick -Apparrently she think's you look like Tom Selleck -what should I do?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,ossonflags
Date: 25 Jul 02 - 12:51 PM

What a refreshing change to see something on this thread without referance to bowel movements,I thought, till i looked at oakleys last missive in depth.

are you really going on the deanmobile, axeman?

need to know for definate,and what news of the busking?

Be delighted to see you at the gig john,I need to be formaly introduced to this hamster.

Are you really going ahead with the undraped legs ,oakiepoos?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,Oakley
Date: 25 Jul 02 - 07:01 AM

There is no beauty in that sort of rushed, macho nonsense; one only acheives grace and poise when about to fall off from a squeaking rusty bicycle, depositing a keybord that you squash it9 onto a grass verge to whoops of delight from the community on the 164. And leaking slightly into the lycra. But turn up, with a damp crotch, slightly incoherent and covered in bruises and tyre marks and it would be a different matter entirely.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: GUEST,The DeanMeister
Date: 25 Jul 02 - 06:21 AM

Looks like I shall be coming to Ferriby on me throbbing beastie. Can I therefore become an honourary member of the moist purple helmets, Oakley? Or is 150 mph a bit too quick for you?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Oaklet
Date: 25 Jul 02 - 02:45 AM

Gary, just a word of caution, Nozzer, one of Mrs D at no 21's er.. friends, told me that he was displeased about her tactiturn approach to er... being... er comforted. When he asked her to moan a bit to enhance his pleasure during the geriatric gyrations, she started with her displeasure at plumber never turning up at the appointed hour and finished with the effect that eggs now had on her "back body", blaming "those buggers who put all the chemicals in me food". Via a succession of complaints that included the washing machine door seal, her unreasonable neighbour's (me) habit of exposing himself, and the speed of the traffic through the village.

Nozzer dines out on this still, although I prefer less forgetful people who have more than one story to share.

I thought you should be warned. By the way, "Lodger" Frank is under the doctor for "waterworks trouble" and might have to have "it" removed. Though what "it" is, remains to be seen. He is a very hairy man, Frank.

Er...Hi Noreen.....Er how ya doin? I have just come back from the milking sheds, and now have marine mammal anxiety. Enjoy Warwick, I'll be in me shorts in Lincs.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse at South Ferriby ( UK)
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 24 Jul 02 - 08:35 PM

Mick is soonding fed up that no mudcat peepol are going , so i might go anyway and ring in sick, i dont know yet, but if anyone sees my boss pleese dont tell him i am not sick, 9he will complane at me).john