BS: Massive Pro-War Rallies Held In Private

Subject: BS: MASSIVE PRO-WAR RALLIES HELD IN PRIVATE
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 05:05 PM

Just in from www.borowitzreport.com:

Fleischer: Millions of Warmongers Marched Secretly Over Weekend

Countering the weekend's televised images of massive antiwar rallies around the world, the White House today said that millions of people attended "super-secret" pro-war rallies over the weekend as well.

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer stunned the press corps with news of the massive pro-war rallies, which had gone completely undetected by all of the major news media.

"Because of the current orange alert level, these citizens wisely staged their gigantic pro-war rallies in secure, undisclosed locations, often sealed off by duct tape and plastic sheeting," Mr. Fleischer said.

"As a result, they didn't get nearly the attention that those smelly hippies in Paris got," he added.

Facing skepticism about the size and scope of the clandestine pro-war rallies, Secretary of State Colin Powell offered proof of the super-secret gatherings by playing a barely audible audio tape of two female warmongers purportedly talking to each other at one of the massive events.

According to the narration provided by Mr. Powell, one of the women on the tape seems to say to the other, "Let's go to war in Iraq."

But analysis by voice experts later revealed that the actual quote was, "Let's go for more Rolling Rock," and that the two women were not random protesters at all but were actually First Daughters Barb and Jenna Bush.

Mr. Fleischer later offered this clarification: "Barb and Jenna are in favor of going to war in Iraq. They are also in favor of going for more Rolling Rock. Those two positions are not mutually exclusive, and represent the views of the vast majority of Americans."

Subject: RE: BS: MASSIVE PRO-WAR RALLIES HELD IN PRIVATE
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 05:11 PM

Spin On This.Com prints Blair reaction to weekend protests:

BLAIR: "MARCH WHAT MARCH?"
(POSTED 17 02 03) Tony Blair denied he is totally out of touch with reality but admitted " I wasn't aware of this worldwide peace march thingy but I'll take your word for it." Blair said war in Iraq was morally imperative. He explained "Mr Bush has spent billions of US taxpayers' dollars on brand new bombs and stuff. It would be immoral not to nuke the shit out of Baghdad on financial grounds alone. If we avoid this difficult decision, arms dealers in the Bush administration will go hungry. I stand to lose a holiday home in Florida. And Mr Bush could end up out of a job. Does anyone really want that? Peace marchers? More like baby killing blood drenched psychopathic anarchists if you ask me."

Subject: RE: BS: MASSIVE PRO-WAR RALLIES HELD IN PRIVATE
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 05:19 PM

wry grin

Subject: RE: BS: Massive Pro-War Rallies Held In Private
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 05:24 PM

From Tom Tomorrow: Coming soon from Bush Administration Productions:
THE THRILL-PACKED ACTION MOVIE EVENT OF THE SEASON--LETHAL BUDDIES!

Tom Tomorrow's LETHAL BUDDIES

Subject: RE: BS: Massive Pro-War Rallies Held In Private
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 05:27 PM

Latest alert from Our President at www.whitehouse.org:

PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT URGING CESSATION OF PUBLIC HYSTERIA IN THE FACE OF AMERICA'S CERTAIN ANNIHILATION BY NUKE POX

Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I wanted to take a moment to address the citizens of the great and correctly-voting red states of America. Let me not to be mincing up words and be all plain like the way folks talk and just come out and say what needs saying, because ladies and gentlemen, it's High Noon, you know?

Now don't panic, but unless you've been blacked out at the bottom of a pony keg of Buckler, you know we're on HIGH ALERT - which basically means: we're flat-out fucked. And by we, I mean most of you - and not the denizens of the Team Bush Mega-Impenetrable Luxury Bunker.

Yes, any second now, your face is gonna start bubbling and dripping off your chattering skull - all because the French and the Democratic Party of Al Qaeda Gore turned this once-mighty nation into such a preening sissy, that all those 80's movies like Red Dawn and Invasion U.S.A. have already started happening in the real world.

That's right. This threat of war and terrorism and the nukyular anthrax mustard-bombing of your local Red Lobster (a CIA-confirmed A-list target) will not be over anytime soon. Especially not before November 2, 2004.

That said, in accordance with newly minted FEMA procedures, I want to reiterate the importance of assembling an EMERGENCY DISASTER KIT that includes three day's supply of water, food, batteries, a portable radio, duct tape, plastic sheets, aloe vera handi-wipes, a chemical shower, a home pharmacy of 5000mg Ciprol IV's, thyroid-protecting tinfoil turtlenecks, the complete books-on-tape version of the New Testament as read by Charlton Heston, a chainsaw, sawed-off shotgun, and if you can, a private island in the South Pacific.

For additional helpful information and great deals on disaster supplies, please patronize the official sponsors of the 2003 Terror Panic: HOME DEPOT and LOCKHEED MARTIN.

Going forward, it's important to remember that besides the Mohammedan savages and nuke-happy Orientals and those hell-bound atheist Soviets, America's one true threat still comes from the anti-war Democrats indigenous to coastal Sodom and Gomorrah-like enclaves, where they rut in filth, liberal multiculturalism, and vulgarity - clutching lewdly-shaped cannabis suppositories inside their fetid and bleeding rectums while hot-gluing copies of Catcher in the Rye into King James Bibles for deceitful sale to ignorant once-and-future Christian converts, all the while calling up Middle America-hating Arab madmen and promising them baby oil backrubs and a freebie shot at their daughter's hymens like the cowardly Nantucket Nectar-drinking, Cherry Garcia-eating hippy abortions they are.

These are the end times, my friends. But we will prevail. And if all goes to plan, these end times will, well, have no end! HAR! HAR! HAR!

Darn it, skunks and all, did I talk my think again?

Subject: RE: BS: Massive Pro-War Rallies Held In Private
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 18 Feb 03 - 05:30 PM

New report out that they all died from carbon monoxide and /or alcohol poisoning.

Subject: RE: BS: Massive Pro-War Rallies Held In Private
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 07:32 AM

This week's issue of The Onion contains a pair of "Point-Counter-Point" essays on the war. The first is a rather straight antiwar message called "No Blood for Oil." (In fact, it's the most serious-sounding thing I've ever read in The Onion.) The second is called "Exactly How Much Oil Are We Talking About?"

I keep hearing the anti-war protesters chant, "No blood for oil! No blood for oil!" But what they never seem to say is exactly how much oil we're talking about. Don't you think that's pertinent information? Are we talking a gallon of oil for every 10 gallons of blood? Or is it more like 30 gallons of oil for every pint of blood? Because if it's the latter, maybe a blood-oil exchange would be a good idea....

Click here for more.

Subject: RE: BS: Massive Pro-War Rallies Held In Private
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 07:37 AM

Iraqi oil output, if I'm recalling correctly, is about 2.1 million bpd. Last I heard (within the last week I think) the price of oil had climbed to $37/barrel.

The point of the "no blood for oil" slogan is that oil isn't worth a single drop of blood. Or are you suggesting that maybe certain people's blood might be worth less than other people's blood, and therefore, an even trade?

Subject: RE: BS: Massive Pro-War Rallies Held In Private
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 10:25 AM

I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!

That's pretty humorous satire there, GUEST. Does that mean that you're not the GUEST that I think you are? Because the GUEST that I think you are has no sense of humor. Or are you the GUEST that I think you are and you've grown a sense of humor? Or maybe you're the GUEST that I think you are and your meds are working exceptionally well today. Or maybe you're confused too, and don't know whether or not you're the GUEST that I think you are either. In fact, you may not even know whether or not you're the GUEST that you think you are. Did it ever occur to you that you might actually be one of the other GUESTs that hang around here? Scary, huh?

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Massive Pro-War Rallies Held In Private
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Feb 03 - 10:41 AM

Troll suffering form insecurity starts thread, makes obtuse statements and sits back to laugh at the responses.

Guest