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BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever

Nigel Parsons 14 Aug 03 - 04:43 PM
Amos 14 Aug 03 - 02:34 PM
Don Firth 14 Aug 03 - 01:31 PM
Little Hawk 13 Aug 03 - 10:25 PM
denise:^) 13 Aug 03 - 10:15 PM
Bat Goddess 13 Aug 03 - 06:25 PM
GUEST 13 Aug 03 - 05:12 PM
John MacKenzie 13 Aug 03 - 04:48 PM
Amos 13 Aug 03 - 04:09 PM
mike the knife 13 Aug 03 - 03:36 PM
chip a 13 Aug 03 - 03:07 PM
The O'Meara 13 Aug 03 - 11:26 AM
Amos 13 Aug 03 - 11:17 AM
John MacKenzie 13 Aug 03 - 11:14 AM
Amos 12 Aug 03 - 10:38 PM
Little Hawk 12 Aug 03 - 09:31 PM
Suffet 12 Aug 03 - 07:57 PM
Little Hawk 12 Aug 03 - 01:48 PM
KathWestra 12 Aug 03 - 01:45 PM
mike the knife 12 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM
Amos 12 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM
dick greenhaus 12 Aug 03 - 11:49 AM
Amos 12 Aug 03 - 11:46 AM
Little Hawk 12 Aug 03 - 11:29 AM
Amos 12 Aug 03 - 10:51 AM
Cool Beans 12 Aug 03 - 10:10 AM
Little Hawk 11 Aug 03 - 11:10 PM
beadie 11 Aug 03 - 10:30 AM
GUEST,Himself 09 Aug 03 - 01:13 PM
Amos 09 Aug 03 - 12:26 PM
Little Hawk 09 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM
Trevor 09 Aug 03 - 10:08 AM
musicmick 09 Aug 03 - 01:23 AM
Little Hawk 09 Aug 03 - 01:21 AM
Deda 09 Aug 03 - 12:45 AM
John Routledge 08 Aug 03 - 06:07 PM
izzy 08 Aug 03 - 02:06 PM
Suffet 08 Aug 03 - 10:59 AM
Dave the Gnome 08 Aug 03 - 09:03 AM
Mr Happy 08 Aug 03 - 08:48 AM
MC Fat 08 Aug 03 - 07:47 AM
GUEST,Airto 08 Aug 03 - 07:34 AM
Joe_F 08 Aug 03 - 12:24 AM
Ebbie 07 Aug 03 - 11:32 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Aug 03 - 11:27 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 07 Aug 03 - 11:20 PM
Stilly River Sage 07 Aug 03 - 10:50 PM
Ely 07 Aug 03 - 10:30 PM
Padre 07 Aug 03 - 10:23 PM
Rapparee 07 Aug 03 - 09:36 PM

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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 14 Aug 03 - 04:43 PM

It may not quite count as a tabloid (although the format is similar) but a few years ago, the Kennel Club (those people who organise Crufts, and agree breed standards for dogs) were embroiled in the debate about whether certain breeds should have their tails 'docked' (cut short) at an early age, and left it up to the vets and the breed councils. The headline:

"Kennel Club Fudge The Docking Issue"

Nigel
(who assumes the spoonerism was deliberate)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 14 Aug 03 - 02:34 PM

You can actually play sax and sing at the same time, LH, but you end up doing neither well.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Aug 03 - 01:31 PM

Ebbie's submission above of "Baby Born with a Wooden Leg!" reminded me of a similar one I say about three years ago:   "Baby Born with Gold Tooth!"

That must have been one helluva dental appointment!

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 10:25 PM

I tried the saxophone once for a few months, but gave it up because you can't sing while you're playing a saxophone. Alas! If only I had known of the fringe benefits. Maybe it's still not too late to learn!

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: denise:^)
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 10:15 PM

If you're interested, used copies of "Dwarf Rapes Nun, Flees in UFO" are available at Amazon.com...

:^)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 06:25 PM

My favorite was from the mid-'90s (it's upstairs under a pile of things)

"9 Year Old Sells Mom to Arabs"

Kath -- I thought Tom and I were the only people in the world to read "Dwarf Rapes Nun, Flees in UFO"! (Actually he says he loaned it to two of his editors at the local rag when he stilled worked there.)

It would still be a wonderful book if all that existed was the title!

Linn


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 05:12 PM

Actually, I have a friend who is currently papering her bathroom with Weekly World News front pages. Bat Boy, the United Dtates splitting in half, Saint Elvis, Ape child, she's got it all! More people should do that!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 04:48 PM

Strap it to the fender, and drive it through a tunnel.
Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 04:09 PM

"Honey, I'm ho-o-o-m-m-e!"

"Hey dear. What the hell is THAT???"

"It's an angel. The sun was in my eyes."

"You shot down...an ANGEL????!   Are you crazy??? "

"I thought it was a mallard. See, I was facing southwest, and...."

"You asshole!!! You killed an ANGEL!!! Do you know what that means?"

"Know what? No, I don't. "

"It means God is going to be pissed at you. Big time. And don't tell me you don't believe in God, either. If you didn't believe in God, what are you doing dragging home a dead angel, anyway!! You STUPID jerk!! You have really gone and done it now!! We are SCREWED. SCREWED!!!!!. What are we gonna do???? Oh, my GOD!!! What are we gonna DO???!!!!"

"I thought you could help me clean it, anyway, since I shot it...."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: mike the knife
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 03:36 PM

Angel Jerky is good- smoked for a couple of days over Hickory & Applewood. The tenderloin is hard to get to, and you need to keep the wing feathers from getting into the meat. Makes it a bit gamy.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: chip a
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 03:07 PM

"Legless boy summersaults two miles to save dad."
My favorite.

Chip


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: The O'Meara
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 11:26 AM

For many years my favorite tabloid headline was
    "800 POUND SOPRANO FALLS, CRUSHES CELLIST"
Turns out this was a true incident, but she only weighed 450 lbs.
She fell off the stage into the orchestra pit and onto the cellist. But that's been replaced as my favorite by
    "DUCK HUNTERS SHOOT ANGEL"
How do you clean one of these things...

O'Meara


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 11:17 AM

That British government! No sense of bouondaries!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 13 Aug 03 - 11:14 AM

LH once a woman's had a man that blows a saxophone, she doesn't want anyone else. Maybe it's time you took it up, and stopped blowing your own trumpet.

After some crisis or other in Africa in the 60s there was the immortal.

"All Britons told; pull out at once"

Coitus Interuptus or what.....Giok


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 10:38 PM

No, godammit, Little Hawk!! I am not sending you any damned JPEGS of Hillary in a power suit doing a power lunch no damn power way Jose! Friends don't let friends obsess on Clintons. And that's power-final.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 09:31 PM

"Kiss me, sweet Hilary...Tell me that you'll wait for me..." (pencil in appropriate grace notes)


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Suffet
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 07:57 PM

Headline of article reporting that PLO chief Arafat approved of some step Israeli PM Netanyahu had taken...

YASSIR: THAT'S MY BIBI!

--- Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 01:48 PM

How about "Headless body of witless topless waitress found in bottomless cup of coffee bar"?

Amos... LOL! I bet you're dismayed. Look man, if you can send me any good jpegs of Hilary in a "power suit" doing a "power lunch" I would be forever in your debt. I yearn to spend "quality time" with Hilary, "quantifying and objectifying" the strong and "salient" points in our relationship which of course are many...even though our relationship remains, well, hypothetical at "this point in time".

See what you can do.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: KathWestra
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 01:45 PM

"Mario Lanza's Ghost Found In Houswife's Vacuum Cleaner" is one of my all-time favorites. BTW, doesn't that make this a music thread?

A favorite book (a novel whose setting is the office of a sleazy tabloid newspaper) has the winning title of: "Dwarf Rapes Nun, Flees in UFO" A very funny book, long out of print, but good for lots of laughs if you can find it. My copy got passed along to many friends and finally disappeared.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: mike the knife
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM

"Headless Body Found in Topless Bar"
NY Daily News


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM

You've been talking to Art Thieme again, haven't you Dick?? LOL~!!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 11:49 AM

Not necessarily from tabloids, but some all-time classics are:

When Mr. Onassis was looking for a California estate, he was photographed while surveying one that formerly belonged to Buster Keaton. Headline?

Aristotle Contemplating the Home of Buster



OR,

When a delegate at the UNO (predecessor to the UN) dozed off during a lengthy speech by one of the Arab states' delegates, he was photographed. Headline:

Ali Babbles and the Forty Winks



OR,

When the Royal yacht entered Halifax harbour, ignored the buoys and almost collided with a small freighter, the headline was (of course):

Britannia Waives the Rules


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 11:46 AM

You really have lost your perspective on the romance business, on the whole business orf men and women, haven't you LH? I'd heard rumors, but I discounted them, because you were my friend. I dodn't want to believe what they said about you. But this!! I am dismayed, dismayed.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 11:29 AM

Well, I'm jealous as hell about that damned alien! I've been having these fantasies about Hilary for years and along comes this jerk with a UFO and sweeps her off her feet. Who does he think he is? I predict that Hilary will soon tire of him and realize that Little Hawk and only Little Hawk is the one for her. I've already got the place all prepared for our first date.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 10:51 AM

Maybe they were talking about regular merman, instead of ethyl.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Cool Beans
Date: 12 Aug 03 - 10:10 AM

There was one just a month ago:

Merman found in South Pacific.

I didn't believe it for a minute. Everybody knows Mary Martin was in "South Pacific." Merman was in "Annie Get Your Gun."


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Aug 03 - 11:10 PM

There are certain people I keep wishing would Fuch off to Antarctica...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: beadie
Date: 11 Aug 03 - 10:30 AM

My all time fave:

   "Bigfoot is my Lovechild's Father!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: GUEST,Himself
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 01:13 PM

In the 6o's there was a scientist in Britain called Vivian Fuchs(later Sir vivian) who did antarctirc research.
    Headline..."Scientist Fuchs off to antarctica"

And the famous (apocryphal ?)
          "Fog in Channel,Continent isolated"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Amos
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 12:26 PM

Explains a lot, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 12:17 PM

That's an interesting concept...


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Trevor
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 10:08 AM

Wasn't there a Sport one a few years ago about the Queen Mum being a brussels sprout or something?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: musicmick
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 01:23 AM

Back in the late 1950's, the Philadelphia Daily News, reporting a come from behind tourament win by golfing great, Ben Hogan, splashed all over the back page, in giant type yet, HOGAN COMES THROUGH WITH "BLOODY" PUTTS.
I assumed, at the time, that no one on their editorial staff was Jewish but, now, I'm not so sure.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 01:21 AM

Actually, the World DID end on all the dates predicted, but it ended very suddenly each time! So suddenly that no one noticed, cos they all died instantly.

So why are we still here now, you ask? Simple! God felt bad about it after the fact and decided to restore everything and give us another chance. This has so far happened at least 512 times since 1945, and I don't doubt that it will happen again soon, so watch for it.

After all, it's no good being omnipotent and all-powerful if you can't change your mind now and then, is it? And frankly, things would get boring without us people around screwing things up...

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Deda
Date: 09 Aug 03 - 12:45 AM

World News Weekly is about the best for these -- I think that's who ran the Osama-Saddam love nest photo, and things like photos of a satanic head formed by the craters of the moon, and periodic proofs that the world will end on (fill in the date). My personal fave was "Human Head transplant!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: John Routledge
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 06:07 PM

In the cold war a Russian nuclear spy named Fuchs escaped for the second time leading to Daiy Mirror(UK) headline

                  "ATOM SPY FUCHS OFF AGAIN"

The headline was altered for the second edition!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: izzy
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 02:06 PM

Hmm...some of these are getting just a little bit tasteless... ;)

A thoroughly unexceptionable one from a New York newspaper in 1929 (at the time of the Wall Street crash) read:

Stocks Start to Fall, Drop a Little Bit More
Five Million Shares Change Hands

Read it out loud and you'll see what's wrong with it!

Also the beginning to a newspaper article (from a David Crystal book --example of a misprint): "The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York has joined a group of Orthodox Rabbits in condemning the 'Life of Brian'."

It doesn't get much better than that!

BTW, M C, I love the Caledonian/Celtic headline. Whoever came up with that should be given some kind of award for linguistic ingenuity. Genius!!


Cheers,

Isabel


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Suffet
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 10:59 AM

Prez Cuts Off Dick

Headline of story about how Bill Clinton broke off all White House contact with former advisor Dick Morris.

--- Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 09:03 AM

And the one about the escaped lunatic who lay in wait for young women in a laundrette before sexually assaulting them. When confronted by the manager he ran off giving rise to the headline -

Nut screws washers and bolts.

Or did I make that one up;-)

Cheers

DtG


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Mr Happy
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 08:48 AM

ww2 headline in daily mail: 'Churchill Flies Back to Front!'


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: MC Fat
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 07:47 AM

Quite a few here...When Inverness Caledonian Thistle beat Glasgow Celtic in an SFA Cup Match the headline was 'Super Caley Go Ballistic Celtic Were Atrocious'. Famous Sun (Newspaper)Headline when George Michael was caught infragante in a loo in the US 'Zip Me Up Before You Go Go' and 'Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster' and one from the Daily Star about a chinese accupuncurist who sexually assaulted his patients ' Kinky Chinky Peeked At My Jing Jong'


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: GUEST,Airto
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 07:34 AM

"Holy Family to take on All Saints" - a headline in the sports pages previewing a contest between two Belfast boxing clubs.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Aug 03 - 12:24 AM

Elvis' Face Appeared on My Pancake


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 11:32 PM

About my favorite one is 'Life After Death- GUARANTEED!' If there is no life after death, no one is going to collect; if there is, has anyone come back to say so?

Another one I like is 'Baby Born with a Wooden Leg!', showing a properly formed leg and foot albeit somewhat dark.

I think the headline writers are the same people who name Avon products. Real attention grabbers.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 11:27 PM

Damned thing!!!

Every now and then my browser thinks "backspace" = "submit". But, ya know what? I think I'll just leave it just like it is. One large upper-case red "G". Sorta cryptic, ain't it?


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 11:20 PM

G


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 10:50 PM

You might want to visit Jay Leno's headlines. He has some pretty silly stuff there.

SRS


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Ely
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 10:30 PM

I saw one a few months ago that claimed that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were lovers. Had a really bad photo with pasted-on heads of the two of them lounging in each other's laps.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I actually noticed that.


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Padre
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 10:23 PM

Jonathan Eberhart came up with what I have always thought was a classic of the genre:

"Ghost of Elvis clone reveals secret UFO diet to Jackie O."

Padre


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Subject: RE: BS: Funniest Tabloid Headline Ever
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 09:36 PM

And I JUST saw this one:

POPE IS MISSING
'Apparently he just wandered off'


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