BS: The Green Eyed Monster

Subject: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: GUEST,PJ
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:20 AM

I have met a wonderful person and fallen 'in love'. Yes that sounds great, but I don't know if this person 'loves' me. We've been together for over a year.   We live a long way from each other. I feel terrible when this person goes out to folk clubs etc., when I'm not around. Anyone got any clues as to how I can deal with the GEM so that this relationship doesn't to get too heavy?

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:30 AM

It's a little thing called trust. Very VERY difficult to achieve, and when you do, it takes only a little thing to break it. Once it's broken, like a favourite china cup, you can mend it, but the crack is always there.

Don't keep phoning. Sooner or later you will piss the other person off. They will start to reason that you think they are doing something with someone else, so they might as well do it.

Try not to 'stalk' - phoning without leaving a message or number, thinking about their every move, interogating them over every conversation with anyone else.....

Concentrate on what YOU are doing, and plan something special for when you next see them.

My own GEM gets fairly overpowering sometimes, but if you want to stay friends with this person, on any level, you have to trust. The old adage 'if you love something, let it free' is fairly trite and cheesy, but it's actually not so far from the truth.

Step softly, don't let the GEM take control of your life, you will end up miserable.

Good luck!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: EBarnacle
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:35 AM

If you are still having trouble allowing this significant other a bit of space to move around, you should be asking yourself whether you really trust him.

Part of an adult relationship is a willingness to allow your partner to have a life. If you do not trust him out of your sight, you might consider that it is possible either there is a reason for this lack of trust on your part [in which case the relationship is doomed] or that he is not trustworthy [in which case you are wasting your time].

Check your judgement about the relationship. It is possible that your instinct is correct.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:40 AM

Spread rumours that the other person has an STD. If it's like any other folk club, word will get around pretty quick. Then you can relax and play fetch with the GEM.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:41 AM

I agree with the above, wise words. I love a man that lives a long way from me. He has his life and I have mine when I'm home. We have a strong/close friendship which means I can trust him, and him me. We also communicate. Whenever we have a difficulty with any part of our friendship we talk about it and get it sorted. Sometimes we may have to say something that might hurt a bit, but at least it's out and on the surface and can be sorted.

8-) Good luck

Sal

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:52 AM

I assume you don't mean the immediately above, Ms Lemon?   ;)

I was joking, of course. Please don't try this at home kids. I am, after all, an idiot.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 09:00 AM

No I don't mean that bit above. You and I must have been franticly typing at the same time! The fastest finger to that submit button gets there first!

Sal

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Dead Horse
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 02:20 PM

Is there some hidden meaning in that last post, Sal????
(I know where my wifes "submit button" is, that's why we stay married ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Amos
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 02:20 PM

The wisest thing is to recognize the monster that that sort of jealous focus creates.

A

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Bobert
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM

Love is a Rose
But you better not pick it
Only grows when its on the vine
Hand full of thorns
And you know you missed it
Loose your love when you say the word mine...

Chill...

Trust...

If its real it's real. Time will tell.

Not get out to a few folks clubs in your area and have a good time. It's okay...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: mg
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 03:42 PM

here is my old fashioned take on it...based on something I read in the Rules book..and it makes sense..if it has been a year and you are in love, you need to know where you stand. If he loves you as you love him, he will want to marry you. You will want to marry him. Do. If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't love you enough for you to waste time on him, unless you enjoy pining. Otherwise you can spend decades pining and wondering. The relationship should get heavy, or it should fade into a fond friendship. Just my opinion. (Ask me about Patrick Fantastic sometime..) mg

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: GUEST,ClaireBear
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 04:46 PM

There's a Rules book?

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:02 PM

Buy my New Book

"All I Have Learned About Women" - 5 pages - 50 cents...

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:10 PM

I have used a simple rule - of course it took me years to wake up to it - if the lady wants to play "hard to get" then let her. I'm too stupid to tell the difference between that and real disinterest, I decided. (That's on page three of my new bestselling book.... )

If someone is too lazy, uninterested, etc to bother to keep in touch with me, even just occassionally, without me doing ALL the chasing, I now assume that there is no real interest in keeping any close relationship going - this applies not only to sexual relationships.

Takes away any reason for the GEM to feed.

I'm not married.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Sorcha
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:13 PM

And, I have never, ever understood jealousy....if someone doesn't want to be with you, why EVER would you want to be with them???? I just never have gotten it..so, I'm no help at all.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:35 PM

In my experience most folk clubs aren't that steamy that you really need to feel too worried. I believe there's a lot more funny business starts with people meeting in supermarkets.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:47 PM

Sorcha,
Psychologists have a name for that...

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Morticia
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:27 PM

what is it? Because I am with Sorch.......don't get it

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:41 PM

a name for it? Sanity!

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:59 PM

"if someone doesn't want to be with you, why EVER would you want to be with them????"

... masochism ...

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 09:55 PM

Thought I wuz gunna use a DIRTY WORD eh? Haaaa! Haaaa! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: mg
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:03 PM

the Rules was a book popular several years ago..told women not to play hard to get, but I guess basically be hard to get...and to eliminate various sorts of games etc...whilst still playing others I suppose. Had some good points, chief of which was..if he loves you, he will marry you...don't worry about the exceptions to this rule...mg

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 09:15 AM

I heard a lot of feminists hated "The Rules", claiming it set women's issues back several decades.

Myself, I just though it all sounded to complicated and realistic to ever be applicable. I viewed it as a subtle sort of satire on dating situations... to subtle to even be humorous.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Jeanie
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 10:59 AM

PJ - there's no doubt that it is perfectly possible to maintain a successful long-distance relationship with someone: plenty of examples here amongst Mudcat members ! It's also true to say that communicating mainly by telephone, letter, email, rather than mainly face to face means that it can take longer to really get to know what someone is like and what their hopes and expectations are, and communication can be more open to misunderstandings.

I agree with EBarnacle, right at the top of this thread: If you are not normally prone to feelings of jealousy, mistrust or uncertainty, or if you didn't have these feelings at first but they have been building up, it is important not to discount them or try to counteract them without first checking out whether they are valid or not. At a distance, and seeing someone at lengthy intervals, it is not so easy to pick up on the non-verbal, sixth-sense clues you get from someone as to the direction a relationship is going.

I am never normally a 'jealous type', had a happy long-distance relationship with someone I trusted, seeing him each month and phoning/emailing each other every day in between times. After a year or so, I started to get the feeling something wasn't quite right, something had changed. It is far easier for someone to be elusive and evasive by email/phone than it is face to face, and far easier to discount any instinctive hunches, which are less likely to happen anyway from a distance. It took a full six months before he was open and honest with me about what was happening - he had met someone else, where he lived - and for our relationship to be ended. Six months of a hell of not knowing, which in a face-to-face relationship would have been over in a much shorter space of time, because he would have been less able to be evasive and I would have been better able to pick up the non-verbal cues and talk about them with him face to face.

The only way is to talk to each other honestly, face to face, about yourselves.

Here's a quote I jotted down once from a book:

"If it is true love, it will stand the test of abstinence, time and distance."

Fortunate indeed are those who find it !

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 11:03 AM

True love... I have my doubts it exists outside of faery tales. Sounds like laziness. To keep a relationship going takes work and trust and a good sense of humour a lot of the time.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Sorcha
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 11:28 AM

Sure damn does, Cluin!

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Jeanie
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 11:34 AM

I don't disagree with that, Cluin and Sorcha ! The "test of abstinence, time and distance" in that quote certainly takes all of that: work, trust and a good sense of humour !

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 11:54 AM

But how long does it last, Sorcha?

Through all the snoring, farting, leaving the seat up, putting the milk container back in the fridge empty, not replacing the empty toilet paper roll, picking the nose and wiping it on the pant leg, interrupting the last 10 minutes of the movie, misplacing the TV remote or cordless phone, forgetting to unload the dishwasher, leaving the cheese whiz to harden on the spoon, always getting the wet spot in bed, biting the fingernails and spitting them on the floor, nagging about the wet towels on the floor or furniture, toast crumbs in the butter, yadda yadda yadda...?

Jealousy? Just the first test to get through.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 01:34 PM

Surely, Cluin, if you love someone enough these silly things can be discussed and sorted out? I have a great belief in keeping things on the surface and talking about anything that might be getting in the way. Letting daft things (like all of those above) fester deep within you, will build up resentment like a volcano. You will be absolutely bugged by any of those every time they rear their childish little heads, until one day babooom! Up she goes.

Sal

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 04:49 PM

Exactly, Sal. That's why I said it takes work and trust and a sense of humour. Everybody does something that will irritate the hell out of another person after a while. Hell, I irritate myself.

My girlfriend snores like a dragon. Do I love her and put up with it? Yes, I do. Just like she puts up with my tiny little inconsequential faults, if she wants to be super-picky.   ;)

True Love? Naw. Just a real one.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: annamill
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 05:35 PM

"picking the nose and wiping it on the pant leg" eeewwwwuuu..

I don't know if I could take that one, Cluin! ;-)

That's love!

Annamill(sorry, just making light)

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Cluin
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 06:04 PM

Yeah, I DO put up with her doing that, Annamill. Love ain't blind, it's just distracted.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 05:09 AM

Yeah, but is it her pant leg or your pant leg?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: GUEST,minky
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 06:22 AM

what kind of a jealousy is it? there's loads of types.
lots of people seem to have assumed you mean the kind where you are afraid they'll go off with someone else. myself, I suffer from the kind where you just desperately want to be there with them & are jealous of the fun they're having that you could have shared.
the only cure for that one is to make sure you are together as much as poss - and try to enjoy their fun 2nd hand if you can;t be there. talk together about what you've done apart - share the memories that way.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: GUEST,PJ
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 07:13 AM

Liz the Squeak
'if you love something, let it free'
Don't keep phoning. Sooner or later you will piss the other person off.
Concentrate on what YOU are doing...you are right, I have been thinking/phoning him much too much lately.

EBarnacle
Part of an adult relationship is a willingness to allow your partner to have a life... yes but that one isn't easy.

Ms Lemon
We also communicate... I'll try harder with this one.

Bobert
If its real it's real. Time will tell... this is good!

Jeanie
If you are not normally prone to feelings of jealousy, mistrust or uncertainty, or if you didn't have these feelings at first but they have been building up,... I'm not normally and haven't been until recently, but there has been a woman showing a bit of interest towards him, in front of me! What if she goes to his house on her own? I suddenly feel very unstable. I suppose it's because Christmas is coming and people tend to get into the party mood. He will be going to parties/performing at folk clubs etc., without me. I'm not actually going to any parties on my own. OK I think I don't trust him, but I must try. I will talk to him about my feelings.

You people are very wise and perceptive. Thanks very much for your words. I have found it a great support.

PJ

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Grab
Date: 07 Dec 03 - 06:43 PM

Cluin, true love ain't blind at all. It's knowing what the other person is (and does) and loving them for all of that. For those of us who haven't married a supermodel, we are quite aware that our partner isn't the most physically good-looking person around, and we probably even know some people who *are* bettter looking, but our partner is still the most beautiful person we know.

If you're married to someone and you no longer find them beautiful, attractive, whatever, it's time to look at the relationship and either work out why and fix it, or get the hell out. (Cluin, not you specifically - I'm not writing "if one is married"! :-)


Graham.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 10 Jan 04 - 07:25 AM

Any news on this front?

Sal

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Jan 04 - 07:37 AM

No - and none on the back either...

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 10 Jan 04 - 07:40 AM

Har de har de haa

Robin Who btw?

Sal

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jan 04 - 01:44 PM

The core, and the pain, of jealousy has little to do with the beloved one. It has to do with one's own self-centered insecurity or sense of inadequacy.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 02:48 AM

Been there,done that too but it turns out the creep WAS seeing someone else but it was all put down to my jealousy!!!! However,that one is long gone and I have finally conquered my greeneyed monster and am now going out with the most wonderful bloke.

Subject: RE: BS: The Green Eyed Monster
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Jan 04 - 11:01 AM

My point was not so much about the beloved was or was not attracted other-where, or even actually cheating, but the greater or lesser pain and suffering of jealousy has to do with one's own greater or lesser insecurity or feelings of inadequacy even in the absence of the cheating. There's a difference between being deservedly MAD at the cheater and suffering from jealousy.

Dave Oesterreich