BS: Enduring the Holidays.

Subject: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:38 AM

Well, here we are again. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. Mister and I will be going over to my mother's for dinner, and again on Christmas day to greet my relatives.

Right now this minute I'm thinking I'd rather have my teeth pulled. Tomorrow I will doubtless have to endure my stepbrother's four children, one of whom is just a year old; Thursday it will be my auntie and my uncle and my grandmother who never turns up her hearing aid so you have to holler at her just to say hello.

They put such store by presents. I like to give presents, I like to receive presents... but it's just stuff, after all. Among all the stuff, perhaps there are a few things I will really cherish. I still have the silver Cross pen my brother gave me for Christmas when I had started college... the little ceramic bell ornaments from my sister-in-law... the St. Dymphna medal from my friend Howard... the teddy bear from a long-ago boyfriend...

Now, if my brother is in a good humor, things will not be so bad. He feels the same way I do about some of these things. If he is grumpy and not in a good humor... well, is there a dentist in the house?

Perhaps if I just keep my mouth full of food the entire time, that might save me some grief. It isn't that I don't like my family... it's the commotion and the ridiculousness and the pretense of Christmas that I resent. If we could just eat, and have conversation, and enjoy the gift of one another's company, instead of making a huge production of it, that would suit me just fine.

At least my mother is a good cook.

How will you endure the holidays?

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Amos
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:46 AM

We're keeping them small, and we tend to enjoy each other when we're gathered, as long as it isn't for too long. We cut each other enough slack so that if one of us suddenly decides to go for a long walk, or take a nap, it is not a problem. :>))

A

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:47 AM

Take life as a floor show. Rise above it and be prepared to enjoy any fireworks that occur... think of how funny the scene will appear in 10 years usually works for me. Enjoy! Eat hearty!

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:53 AM

Good advice, Mrrzy, and I am still enjoying that Spanish cookbook/CD you sent me for the First Annual Mudcat Secret Santa Shebang!

I was listening to a bit on the radio yesterday, where the DJ compared taking his toddler for a haircut, to a football game. He was a team, and the toddler was a team, and he tried to keep the baby from "scoring", as it were. It was really funny, and I thought it was an interesting approach to situations that could get sticky. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: The Barden of England
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:08 AM

This will be the first Christmas for 59 years that my father will be without my mother. He is missing her greatly, and so do I. Just remember, sometimes family gatherings can be fraught but life is too short to not give just a small amount of time up to them.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:10 AM

You are absolutely right! It's just that I dread these gatherings so...

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: mg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:44 AM

Eat a great big meal before you go, so you don't get into a low blood sugar scenario. That makes everything worse, especially since meal times are so often delayed. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Peg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:45 AM

I have decided I am not going to see my family this Christmas. I was there for Thanskgiving and had a mostly miserable time. In years past I have stayed away at Christmas because it's just gotten so dysfunctional as the years have gone by; I think it used to be less noticeable when there were more family and kids around (there used to be up to 30 people in the house, and we spent Christmas Eve at my dad's parents' house with many people and kids around).

I get along well with my older brother and his ex-wife and kids, and with friends who live in town. He tends to only show up for the bare minimum as he has issues with my father (another story). But my sister makes my life hell. She is a single parent who has a spoiled brat of an eight-year-old and expects everyone to rearrange their entire existence to make him happy, like she does. This includes   dropping him off early in the morning at my parents' house so she can go hunting (6:30 am) and letting him play video games (as opposed to something quiet like reading a book) right next to my head where I am sleeping on the couch. My parents now live in a much smaller house and so this kids' insistence on watching tv or playing video games when he is not otherwise the center of attention basically makes conversation impossible. My mother seems to think he should get his way simply because he is the only child around. I don't remember getting everything I wanted when I was 8!!!

My mother is in fairly ill health and so I like to see her and help out when I can. But my sister makes it agony. She insults me or makes some snide remark about everything I do or say. I honestly think she has succeeded in driving an even greater wedge between me and my parents than the considerable one that existed before. I realize I have a different lifestyle than their small-town one, but how I got to be the de facto black sheep is beyond me. I tend to be as civil as I can but if I ever once actually acknowledged how rude she is (she interrupts everyone, for example, just talking over everything they say) I'd be looked at like I have two heads.
   
Here's a typical example from the most recent holiday: I offered to make mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving, because my mom was planning to make instant ones. My dad said "okay you can peel them" (something he did not want to do). I said I'll make them with the peels on, which is how I have been making them for years. A collective groan went up, remembering when I did this ONCE before   almost ten years ago! My sister insisted I make them without the peels otherwise her son would not eat them.   Hold on; a minute before he was going to be eating instant ones...how did I become satan for offering to make something? (Never mind that if I suggested she make something differently than the way she'd been preparing it for 15 years, I'd be looked at like I was insane). She had a tantrum and threatened to take her son and go home. I was shocked. I asked my mother what this was all about. Her response, well, he's 8. She wouldn't even see it in terms of my sister's behavior, but in terms of how this child of the devil should get his way! Then she disappeared into the kitchen to make the potatoes. Pure martyr complex. The potatoes were awful, I might add.

I sometimes think my sister and mother are, between them, trying to   (perhaps unconsciously) recreate the dynamic between my mother and   her own sister who she has barely spoken to in twenty years, despite the fact that they live in the same town. The holidays throw everything into stark relief.

whoa, sorry to vent! Merry Christmas!   ;)

Seriously, any thoughts on how to cope with this crap would be   appreciated. Maybe just drinking a lot???   (ha ha)

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:51 AM

Heheh..... I think I would have told sister she could eat what was being served, or have a Coke and a smile. (evil grin)

Mary, my mother is having the great big meal - and she eats on time! I ain't worried about being hungry. Actually it might help me to have a glass of wine (just one) before I go.

The weekend after New Years we are going up to visit Mister's family, if it don't snow. That's a whole other Great Fun Thing. Actually it is really all right... except that the Mister-in-Law is a compulsive hoarder, and will not do anything about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Peg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:52 AM

I should add, I feel very thankful my parents are still living and all and would like to maintain a relationship with them. But how to do this when my sister makes it impossible?

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: mack/misophist
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:54 AM

I find the holidays much easier to take since I stopped celebrating them. Being a curmudgeon can be a good thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 12:34 PM

Have you sat down with your sister and said, look here, let's see can we come to an agreement? I know, easier said than done, but it might be worth a try. Failing that, just ignore her and see if she goes away. By that I mean, don't let her get under your skin. I can't remember it exactly, but there's a verse in the Bible that says something to the effect of, when you are kind to someone who is unkind to you, you have heaped hot coals upon his head. ;-)

Mack, I have a friend who doesn't send Christmas cards or give Christmas gifts. He does those sorts of things all year, rather than just at the holidays... so I guess he really does keep Christmas all year-round. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:01 PM

Clergy household. Parishful of reactivity cuz, ya know, it IS Christmas after all, and people are acting out, all over the place... More fun than I can say. :~) And February is always even better!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Peg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:11 PM

good suggestion Kim, but this is a family where such gestures would be looked on with horror. No one actually talks about anything directly. My brother and I have tried but it seems to make everyone uncomfortable. But it is worth a try, you're right. I can't let her hijack my attempts to maintain contact with my parents when she probably doesn't even realize she is doing that.

I think part of the Christmas stress is that of people wanting to recapture some of the nostalgia and "magic" and finding it impossible. Some traditions can be maintained easily enough. But it's so much more about money and gifts now; ridiculous.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:12 PM

I guess you have to ask yourself the crucial question..."Would the rest of the year be better, or worse, if I did what I want for the holidays, instead of what is 'expected' of me?"

If one simply did not GO to a predictable bit of family chaos, would it cause more problems, or ease some?

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Emma B
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:22 PM

I put in over 20 years of Christmas with in-laws (even my partner, whose family they were, couldn't stand them) But now we are both 'orphans' and don't have to pretend, for the sake of a dear parent, to like siblings or their opposed materialistic, bigoted life style. Got in plenty of wine, good food a load of books to read and now - I have the grandfather of all stinking colds. Guess you just can't win!
My best wishes for the season to all those who have the right to feel sorry for themselves at this time rather than a poor sniffler like me

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:28 PM

Well, Bill, with my mom, it would only cause them. And as Barden said, life's too short to really worry about these things. Since Mom and I live in the same town, I don't really have a reason for not going, and it would hurt her feelings. So getting to eat a nice meal really is worth putting up with a couple of screaming kids.

The Prozac helps too. :-)

I don't remember any "magic" from my childhood holidays. Any holiday magic I have ever had, I conjured up myself... decorating my little tree, watching Christmas movies while I wrap presents and drink eggnog... Mister and I have this little ritual where we examine our gifts to each other and try to guess what they are. I'm sure everyone does something like that, and it's trivial, but it is kinda fun. And I just continue to make my own magic.

My dad used to make peanut butter fudge for us at Christmas. I miss that.

Peg, I'm sure you know your sister can't fix something she may not realize is broken. So what if such a gesture would be looked upon with horror. Live dangerously. :-) Maybe she just doesn't know how to find the love in her heart, and someone needs to show her.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: harpgirl
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:32 PM

...I have some joy in my life at this normally dark time...my former bandmate and friend Linda of the Doneygals (the two of us) and I have made up after four years. Don't know if we will ever play again as she is quite ill with a spinal thing and we aren't going to jump right into anything but it feels so good to be friends again...I also sought out another old friend with a good result. It is very hard for me to reach out when I have been hurt but in both situations I guess enough time has gone by....Now if I could just reach my brother this way....

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:34 PM

Keep stretching, Harp. You'll reach him.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Peg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:43 PM

geez, now I am thinking I should go. It is a long journey though (four hours on the bus or train, then four in a car).

Christmas is surely a time when we should be grateful for all we have and all we are.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: RangerSteve
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:44 PM

I'm working. I spend Thanksgiving with family and let the guys with kids take Christmas off. As usual, I'll be involved with traffic direction and crowd control during the annual reenactment of Washington crossing the Delaware, which takes place every Xmas, even though it really happened on Xmas eve. Last year, it rained, sleeted and snowed and the State Police (God bless them) decided that the river level was up to high, which didn't bother the real Washington, but it was too unsafe to recreate. This year, there seems to be some friction between the Pennsylvania State Park system and the reenactors, so it may be cancelled again. Also, the river is near flood stage and it's supposed to rain heavily on Wed. If it's cancelled, I'll just patrol and hope that everyone is law abiding and drives carefully, and makes my day as boring as possible. And please, if you're driving along State Route 29 in New Jersey, don't do anything to make me pull you over. (Tailgating another car is the will guarantee getting pulled over by me). Because if I have to get out of my car in this weather, I'll have to write you a summons. I don't care if it's Xmas. Have a happy one. Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 02:58 PM

God bless you, Steve!

My ggggggrandfather was on that crossing. Maybe someday I'll get up that way.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: harpgirl
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 03:23 PM

Thanks for the encouragement, Kim. I'm going to the ancestral condo alone this year as my son is asserting his independence and staying home. I think it is important for my son to make this choice without undue pressure to go with me as he is getting more ready to leave home and he may be going away to school after this summer. So I want him to make these choices without negative repercussions.

But my brother is my only close relative as both my parents are only children and after they pass we will be the only ones left. He lives near my folks in S-Floriduh. He is also boycotting my parents. I think I will stop by unannounced with my niece's presents and see what happens next. Wish me luck! It will be tomorrow....

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 03:28 PM

Good luck and Go For It!

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Jeanie
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 03:55 PM

Everything has its season: big noisy gatherings, small family get-togethers, Christmas with two, Christmas all by yourself: I've spent them all. Sometimes with people I love, people I like, people I dislike.... and usually with a mixture of all of these !

The "season" for Christmases for me at the moment is for there to be three of us: me, my elderly widowed mum and my teenage daughter. Time passes and that will inevitably change. I really hope I haven't seen the last of big, noisy, musical Christmas gatherings (which are my favourite kind).

The most difficult thing for me is dealing with my mother's attitude to presents - and to life in general. She is one of life's negative moaners and complainers and Christmas presents bring out the "best" in her. "What on earth was X thinking of, giving me that." "Huh! That didn't cost her much"... and so on. I have had enough of all this negativity, and my Christmas/New Year's present to myself is to draw the line and actually tell her (after all these years !) that I can't listen to that kind of talk any more, either at Christmas or all the year through.

She has really annoyed me (AND made me laugh) today. She had a very specific requirement (as are ALL her requirements) for a particular kind of engagement calendar to post to her friend: It had to be reasonably priced, with an envelope to fit it, with pictures of flowers. Nothing else would do. Simple request ? No ! I searched high and low: there were calendars with flowers but no envelopes, expensive calendars, cheaper calendars with envelopes but photos of mountains....you get the idea. When I suggested that maybe she could send something else... Oh no ! "I've always sent her an engagement calendar like that." I eventually found one: cheap calendar, flowers, envelope. Eureka ! She phoned me today to tell me that her friend had received the calendar, and had complained because it was printed with two Februaries, no August and two pictures of snowdrops. "You wouldn't think she would be so rude as to complain and tell me, would you?" says my mum. Well....my mum needn't have passed the message on to me, either, after all my efforts.... (I was so pleased to have found the blessed thing that I never thought to look through it).

There are no siblings or other relatives, so we will be together for 25th, 26th and probably some of the weekend, too, but this year my daughter and I have decided that we are going to spend New Year's Eve without her. I think that is a fair compromise. Last New Year's Eve my mother came over, sat, complained and read the newspaper and slept for most of the evening - she may as well have been at her own place - and asked to be driven home at 10.30. This year, we want to have NOISY FUN !

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 04:13 PM

Tonight I am going to watch The Bishop's Wife - the old version. I have never seen it before.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 04:26 PM

Who said it earlier? Rise above it...

it's really not that hard to do... I mean, we all come from families... They're all screwed up on some way shape or form... That's part of the human condition...

My family has 'issues' like very other family... I simply elect to not let them bother me... if mom's "This" or uncle's "That" gets to be to much, I simply remove myself from the situation... easy peasy nice and sleazy...

To me, the good far outweighs the bad anyway...

To all, best of luck in coping!

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Rara Avis
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 04:37 PM

Assuming that the second February page was in August's place, I'd be pleased to get such a calendar! August in New Jersey is very hot and humid. If it were replaced with the shorter month of February, it would be over in no time at all. OR I could say that since there was no August page, I would not be obliged to make any appointments or do anything responsible for the period between July 31 and September 1.

May you go forth on your Christmas outings wearing a protective shield of grace and good humor and knowing that there are many in the same boat.

Rara Avis, who, after making an early morning grandkids run last Christmas, came home and spent the rest of the day in pajamas. It was Heaven!

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 05:02 PM

"May you go forth on your Christmas outings wearing a protective shield of grace and good humor and knowing that there are many in the same boat."

I love it!

I agree, Clinton, I think everybody's family is weird in some way. As I said, I like mine well enough, I just don't really want to spend all day with them. ;-) My mom and my aunt are hard to have conversations with because they constantly interrupt people. Drives me nuts.

And one year we were sitting around the dinner table, and someone asked Mister, who has considerably less hair than he did 20 years ago, if he'd ever tried Rogaine. I mean, really!

It ain't nothin but a thing, though. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Jeanie
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 05:37 PM

All good wishes to everyone ! What happens in families at Christmas is, after all, just a briefly intensifed version of what happens all the year through.

I agree with you, Clinton, when you say "simply remove yourself from the situation" if something gets too much. Not quite as "easy peasy" as you suggest, though, for those of us who have a dependent child, no partner, no siblings and have a demanding widowed parent, who also has no surviving siblings. It really is down to me alone to shoulder it all and try to keep them as happy as possible, on Christmas Day and every day. Removing myself is not an option. The mulled wine helps.... :)

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: mg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 05:41 PM

don't try to make or keep them happy..just comfortable..with some good food and nice music..that is enough. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Maryrrf
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 05:47 PM

I sure am glad Kim C. started this thread. I too dread the holidays because it means spending time with my dysfunctional family. I managed to avoid Thanksgiving because I was working but Christmas dinner looms. I won't go into details but I was feeling like everybody else was going to wonderful happy family gatherings and mine was going to be horrible. At least now I know there are others (maybe many others!) in the same boat! I'll be stoic and get through it somehow then go home and relax.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 05:59 PM

Not five minutes ago, one of my coworkers stopped by my cube on her way out the door, complaining about the things many of us here are complaining about! She's doing all the cooking, this, that, the other thing, nobody cares about it but her, etc. etc. etc., I have the most dysfunctional family in the world etc. etc. etc.

I said, you know what, Luisa? Everybody's family is like that! If you enjoy the cooking and the decorating and all that, then do it, and love it, and don't worry about whether or not anyone else appreciates it.

Merry Christmas!

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 06:21 PM

Not to be critical Kim because I see you are getting the attitude but I must say that if anyone asked me at a family Christmas if I ever tried rogaine or if we could have the mashed potatoes without skins it wouldn't occur to me for a split second to get annoyed in the least.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 06:36 PM

Well I intend to use drugs. My Dr has given me some lovely pills that make it all just go away. Them and a bottle of El Vino Collapso and you can all just have beans on toast!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Jeanie
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 06:38 PM

It's not just Christmas Day, it is every day for me at this particular period of my life - and for others in my situation. I find dealing with my mother very, very difficult and I do worry about what lies in store. There is no-one else for her but me. All things come and all things go. I take great comfort in that. There is a very old Anglo-Saxon poem, "Deor", which has the refrain: "that passed, so shall this." It is equally true of the good things and the not so good. I would love to hear from other people here on Mudcat who know what I am talking about here. Please PM me.

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Mudlark
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 07:58 PM

I am slowly, and late in life, coming to the conclusion that no one is better suited to taking care of me than myself. My solution to demanding mother/toxic sister was to see and take care of my m. when sis not around. Actually, it worked out very well, as we could take turns, cutting down on the work and unpleasantness for both us.

Talking things out is a lovely sounding solution, and it can work brilliantly with like-minded folk. But like evil, people who prefer to deal obliquely (not to say deviously) with problems will be with us always, family members included. After giving get-togethers several tries w/o reward at some level, I opt out. An evening alone, out of the fray, can be wonderfully peaceful and serene.

Best wishes to those who have compatible families to celebrate the holidays with, and best wishes to those who are so wise and adept at self caretaking as to realize they may be best spent in other merry company or alone.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Peg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 08:05 PM

GUEST: I didn't get annoyed because someone asked me to make mashed potatoes without skins; I got annoyed because my sister had a tantrum and threatened to leave over it, and because she expects everyone's world to revolve around her kid. I suppose it's difficult to see the complexity of the situation when you are just looking at the extraneous details and you don't know the history.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Robin2
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 08:34 PM

Lordy we arn't alone!!

God Bless us everyone!

Robin2(got the blues playing on the CD, and feeling OK)

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: GUEST,harpy
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 08:37 PM

Well, I agree with Mudlark. Avoid your sister, Peg. She doesn't deserve to have people trying to please her. I finally decided to stop trying to get my brother to be a human being. But I still love my niece and I want her to have some presents. It used to fall to me to try to get my brother to be nice. No more! He's on his own! YOu can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Or as I like to say to my clients, "If the cave is too dirty to clean, move out!!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:00 PM

GUEST, asking a balding man if he's tried Rogaine is about as polite as asking a fat person if they've tried the Atkins diet. Some things are personal, and I believe it's rude to bring them up at a table full of people. 'Specially when it ain't nobody's business. I don't care that my husband is bald. It isn't something that needs to be "fixed," and that's what this person was implying.

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: mg
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:24 PM

well, I have a brother who is brain damaged who is convinced the Hmong refugees are after him, a sister who believes we are trying to poison her if we serve meat, a brother who has bowed out of the whole situation...but we muddle through and have some good times...mg

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Amos
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 11:33 PM

Peg:

Forgive the late answer, but it seems to me that the way "though" this dense tanglefoot is calling on the truth of the situation -- by which i mean, any time you can get the truth stated and communicated in such a way that it penetrates the clouds of various forms of denial in play, you make big points. Anytime you can kill the noise by injecting a statement of truth you gain karma, big time, and more important you bring the other participants a widdle bit closer to saying yes to what the real game is, instead of blustering through with pretense. At the very worst, if you name the situation truthfully and they cannot face it, at least you get expelled for all the right reasons!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 06:40 AM

Amos, my friend, you put it very well, as usual! My beloved used to say, "speak the truth that's inside you." I try to have the wisdom to know when speaking up matters and when it's important that I know the truth that's inside me, but am willing to be patient and forbearing (and keep my trap shut!) with those around me.

I have relatives who are difficult to deal with at the holidays, but I love them and try to accept them as they are, because they are not going to change. Christmas is a day of deep meaning for me, as a day of hope and prayer for peace on earth, light in the darkness, hope of new birth. I try to grow "duck's feathers" and let the tactless, clueless words roll off me like water.

I learned long ago not to have inflated expectations for Christmas day. The concerts and gatherings leading up to the actual day have more meaning for me than the day itself. So I just look at the day as another day to learn the lessons life has for me (and life has been dishing out some pretty intense lessons lately). And to enjoy the fact that my kids and I can wink at each other over the heads of the more clueless relatives, and let peace prevail.
Blessings on all,
Allison

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 08:01 AM

Im spending the 25th and 26th with friends and no doubt alot of alcohol! I am travelling up to Yorkshire on the 27th to be with my family and returning on the 30th to relax before a New Years Eve Party on the 31st...with yes Friends and copious amounts of alcohol.

I didn't go home at all last year. Things were strained to say the least between my mum and I and this year we have both made the effort to make up and agree that we will never be best friends but we can make a good go of having a mother daughter relationship. Life is too short not to get on and deal with it!

Hopefully I will survive the 3days I am up North and get to catch up with family I haven't seen for 2 or 3 years!

I know that for a lot of us 2003 has been a difficult year we have suffered bereavements and illnesses but we also have little blessings and Miracles....the birth of much wanted twins, Sorcha's Grandson and Katlaughing's Grandson. I wish everyone the strength to get through Christmas and Fantastic New Year!!

Blessings
Khatt

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Peg
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 08:20 AM

grand advice there Amos, and Allison. (and Khatt; yes, alcohol helps!) A friend I told about the situation yesterday said my sister sounds very unhappy. I should at least try to understand that, even if it is unfair for her to take it out on me. I "IMed" her this morning and we had a nice neutral chat. She did say her son is already all worked up over the holiday...sigh. I am certainly not the only one to think he's a brat, just the only one who ever says anything about it in her presence. Is that speaking truth? ;) It occurred to me to say to he at some point, next time she insults me, to ask her if she won't feel badly after I die when she realizes she didn't need to treat me like dog shit for all this time...

I have tentatively decided to go "home" for the holidays, if I can   get a cat sitter in time and if I don't decide against it because my roof is still not repaired and there is heavy rain coming in tonight...
If I do go, I will try to take some of this advice and go with the flow and not take things too personally (even when the negativity is directed squarely at me). I just learned my younger brother is home and have not seen him in a while. He is staying at my parents' house and I will stay at my older brother's place.We'll see how it goes. I have friendswho share a secret code with me; when we have had enough of our families we call each other up and say "blender!" which means "Get me out of here!"

Okay, going to wrap the humble gifts I bought yesterday...
peg

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: GUEST,Skipjack K8
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 08:42 AM

I mention this in support of Jeanie's 'all things must pass' post.

Half a dozen years ago, we had a string of hateful family Christmas gatherings, and I won't dwell on the circumstances. But that period passed, and now we are all at ease with each other, and I am genuinely looking forwrad to leaving the office now, and going home to greet all the guests, and having a warm and loving atmosphere for the next two days.

I hope this helps those that feel that nothing can change for the better.

Peace be with you.
Greg

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 09:07 AM

What cannot be cured must be endured.

If you lot can endure my cooking I'll carry on with my cure!

The most important thing to do, whatever your situation, wherever you are, whoever you are with or without, is to take a minimum of 5 minutes to be with yourself, because that's the one person you can never do without.

Blessings on all of you. Even the GUEST.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: Kim C
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 09:49 AM

Well, I had a good night's sleep, and I had a nice yoga practice this morning. I believe I'm ready. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Enduring the Holidays.
From: jaze
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 10:02 AM

Good Luck Kim. I hope you have a peaceful and mellow day.