BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 07:01 PM

Although our "spam calls" have decreased greatly since the federal and state do-not-call lists were instituted, occasionally we still do get a call from some organization that evidently doesn't read the newspapers.

I am just waiting for the next one, so that I can say, "Let me talk to your supervisor, so I can arrange for your organization's $10,000 fine, please."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 07:06 PM

Dealing with Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your fictitious problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Whatsisname from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

4. If you are male and the telemarketer is female... Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. If you are female (or male too) cry out in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. I'm sorry, sir, but I'm completely filled with fruit and cheese.

12. OK, I'll take it on the condition that, right now, you bark like a dog for three minutes straight.

13. I can't make that kind of decision now; I'm on my deathbed. (cough, cough)

14. When you send that registration form to me, do I fill it out in pen, or is human blood OK?

15. I'm too fucking drunk to decide. (vomit noises)

16. Grandpa? Grandpa, is that you?...But...but...you've been dead for 15 years!

17. Really, ma'am, this is not a good time. I'm cold and naked with a plastic bag over my head.

18. Now will this protection you're offering cover all the children I keep locked up in the basement?

19. No, sir, you will not solicipitate me!!!

20. Just keep repeating: "I weel hunt you down like dog and keel you!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: GUEST,obnig hrobdog
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 07:15 PM

Another one for the English-American dictionary

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 22 Jan 04 - 07:22 PM

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

Can you folks get blood out??

No... I mean a LOT of blood...

No... more than that....

Cause I can get if off the walls myself, but....

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 23 Jan 04 - 07:33 AM

Cluin - your # 2 is used in a comic strip I have in my cartoon collection - she goes on at great length about her various illnesses, including taking pills for some hinted at condition, then says she would go mad if it wasn't for her little dog & tells it to say hello to the nice man. Sound of phone hanging up & last frame shows her with a contented smile & thought balloon "I just love telephone solicitors"

As I hang up immediately on any junk mail caller, I've never tried it but it sounds fun! The nearest I've come to playing with these callers (who I know are workers like you & me, but ...) is once when someone asked if I was Mrs (surname). I'm not married, so I said "There's no-one of that name here". Caller said is that (number)? I repeated what I'd said, more firmly this time. Caller persisted (I wonder what was on his cheat sheet?) So I snarled the same message & hung up!

Some time back we had another thread on telephone solicitors & I printed out Gargoyle's contribution. I especially loved the bit about letting them wait while he slowly chews his mouthful of celery & peanut butter.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: JennieG
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 06:15 AM

It's not the words I use when I answer the caller, it's the tone of my voice. It is the "you-can-ask-as-much-as-you-want-but-the-answer-is-still-NO" voice. I have raised teenagers. I know how to say no so it will be believed.
Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 07:56 AM

fierce JennyG!! Keep those boys in order. Do you use the same tone at school?

I had another caller this afternoon. I was lying down, dozing as my legs were killing me as I'd done a bit of walking. My phone is next to my bed on an old wooden bedside table & really echoes when it rings in my ear & I woke with a start, heart pounding. So I hung up on her & sat on the edge of the bed till I'd calmed down. Silly, me, I normally take the phone off the hook when I need rest.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Firecat
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 04:37 PM

Having read all of this thread, I think it would be suitable to tell you my job! I'm a telephone canvasser!!!!!

Yep, I'm one of the poor unfortunate souls that all of you lot are whinging about! Time to tell you MY side of it.

Point one:- I don't know if this is true for all call centres, but the one I work at has automatic dialling, i.e. I do not get a say in who I call.

Point two:- You may well find that if you are rude to the person who calls you, you could get called more by the same company, subject to whether you p*** off the canna enough for them to press the button marked "Answerphone" which will mean you automatically get called back the next day.

Point three:- PLEASE try and put yourself in our position. Telephone cannas have an extremely boring job. We generally make about 400 calls a shift (the shift I work is 3 hours), using exactly the same script. I ended up being able to recite the script in my sleep!

Point four:- If you are not the person the canna is asking for (in my case the property owner), PLEASE don't swear at us. The other day, I asked for a Mrs Edwards. The woman I spoke to was NOT the person I wanted to speak to, but instead of telling me this calmly and politely, like some of the people I speak to, her response was (exact words here) "F*** off and f***ing get an f***ing life, you f***ing stupid fat f***ing b****!" How she came to the conclusion I was fat I don't know, because it's not video-phone!

Point five:- Cannas are told to attempt to pronounce customers' names, even in the most difficult cases. I have had names ranging from the easy-to-pronounce Jones to the nigh-on-impossible Woloniewicz.

You get more from being polite than you do from using the sort of language as used in the example in point four. It is true in real life (or so I've found) and it is true when speaking to cannas.

The majority of cannas where I work are around 16 to 18 years old. I'm 20 and I'm one of the old ones! I have frequently seen new cannas in the verge of tears due to the rudeness of some of the people they have spoken to, and I personally have ended up in tears (and it is extremely rare that I cry) for the same reason.

I am looking for other jobs, but I have been at the call centre for just over four months now, and I have only spoken to about 15 people who are friendly and polite.

We don't even get paid that much! I get £5.10 per hour, but I think I should get a lot more!

Sorry if you have now taken a thorough dislike to me, but it's a job.

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 04:53 PM

Firecat, I know you're young,and I really am not trying to sound preachy, but some of these people are shift workers/changing nappies/trying to relieve their constipation/making wild passionate love/delicately blowing glass/in the middle of a huge marital row/coping with recent bad news/lancing a boil/boiling a lance/on the way out/on the way in/cross stitching/painting the ceiling/bleaching the carsey/placating a child with chicken pox/making airfix models/cleaning the windows/stirring custard....and heaven forbid all of the above at the same time.

They never asked you to call.

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Cluin
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 04:56 PM

I have had nice conversations with telemarketers before, by interrupting them with "Do you like your job?" The ones who stop and answer "No", I then engage in a few minutes of nice conversation about the weather, news, etc. then wish them a good day and good bye and let them get back to their job. It was a nice break in the day for both of us I like to think.

I also politely let them know that if I was going to do business over the phone it would be me calling a business initally, not the other way around.

The things I posted above were just for fun. I'd never do them in reality. Both because it's mean to someone stuck doing a lousy job (would anybody seriously enjoy it?) or because I have better ways to spend my time.

While I've never done that kind of work myself, I have done "telephone list" duty for our local folk club. That entails calling numbers of people who have signed to be on the calling list to notify them of upcoming concerts and events. It can be unpleasant when you call the place and get someone there who isn't interested in the info. Some spouses, family members, etc. have been downright rude ("What the f**k are you calling me about this for? DON"T CALL HERE AGAIN, ASSHOLE!"), even when I explained that the person I was trying to reach had signed our list to be called. So I do have some sympathy for people who do that for a living.

But I do get annoyed that they call at dinnertime. Or worse, when you get the computer-dialed call that results in no one on the other end. I know that the computer has dialed several numbers at once and the human telemarketer has answered the first caller to pick up and the rest get forgotten. Like their time is more important than mine. THAT process should be outlawed everywhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 04:58 PM

Firecat, I don't dislike you (or any other individual in your position), but I intensely dislike the system of which you are a part.

I think you need to realize that, for your own economic or other reasons (which I guess I understand), you are engaging in what most of us in this thread consider a very rude and uncalled for intrusion. We (or at least I) tend to lump all such calls and callers into one grand bundle of intrusion into my (our) life/lives, and we (or at least I) regard you not as an individual but just another instance of the grand pain-in-the-ass. And as "just another instance" the temptation is to unload on you all the feelings that get built up.

My take on it, for whatever it's worth. I hope you can soon find another and better job.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 05:10 PM

I've had some loverly conversations with commercial callers (by the way, where does the word "canna" come from -- we don't have it over here). I get them off their spiel as soon as I can. If they're awake and alive it doesn't take much!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 24 Jan 04 - 06:33 PM

I usually just explain that I'm not the man of the house, and they ask what time to phone back, and I say time, and they don't phone back.

But I've always wanted to say: "Son, have you been Saved?" and reach for my Bible. Scary thing is that I actually might succeed in converting one. You know how it is when you get into something enough.

But the pibroch idea is *very* tempting.

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 06:51 AM

Firecat - good luck in getting another job. I've worked in a call centre, too, tho we received calls, so I know the system.

As others have said, I did not ask the caller to ring me & interrupt what I was doing, so I get rid of the call as fast as I can.

My home is very much my castle & my refuge & I don't let strangers in. I'm not happy about repairmen since one commented on my valuable collection - cos it isn't, as any thief would find if they tried to sell my treasures. I have also been on the Aust Direct Marketing Assn's Off-list for over 20 years so I don't get much junk mail (except from real estate agents, but that's a different story) & as soon as Oz gets a phone Off list similar to US & UK I'll be on that.

Having worked in a call centre I know how hard it is to get a job - some of my colleagues had been out of work for quite a while before they joined us & most of them went on to bigger & better jobs. I hope you find your ideal job where you can be as happy as I am now, away from the stress of the call centre & it's management culture.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 01:18 PM

As to the word "canna", Google finds nothing but flowers. What is its origin, and what is its geographical distribution?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 02:08 PM

My sympathies, Firecat—up to a point.

I worked for a few weeks back in the early Fifties in telephone sales. Apparently I was pretty good at it because my boss said I was doing marvelously and somehow I made enough money at it (percentage of sales) to put a down payment on my first really nice guitar (a Martin 00-18 — full price, $95.00 at the time; my down payment was $15.00). But frankly, I couldn't take that much rejection. On top of that, I knew I was interrupting people in the middle of their busy day and trying to sell them something that maybe one out of 500 might actually consider buying, but probably not from some gink on the phone who rang them up just as they were going into the bathroom to take a pee. I'd have to be dangling off the side of a cliff before I'd consider taking that kind of job again—for several reasons.

Once in a while I'll play a bit with a caller as I did in my post above (I was just answering the questions the guy asked, after all), but usually, once I've ascertained that it's a sales call, I interrupt the opening pitch and politely tell the caller, "Let me save us both some time. I'm not interested. Thank you." Then I hang up without further ado.

I consider sales calls to be on a par with pop-up adds on my computer. It's a rude interruption of what I'm doing at the time and the overwhelming majority of them are nothing I would be remotely interested in anyway.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: NH Dave
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 03:12 PM

When I moved about 6 years ago, I took over the apartment and phone number one (faster & cheaper that getting another number) of a guy who must have owed everyone in this part of the world. When I got calls for him I'd simply say that he had moved, leaving no forwarding address.

Meanwhile, when I changed the phone over to my account, I used the name Anony Mouse. When the phone company sales assistant told me that it wasn't a name, I assured her that Anony was a fine Greek name, and how long did they expect to keep their Greek customers if the continued discriminating against us this way. We do have a large Greek population locally. So now I had two tip-offs, if they called for Bill Deadbeat or Mr. or Mrs. Mouse, I'd simply hanng up.

Unfortunately when it came time to get a new telephone directory, smarter person from the directory service office called me in a really bad mood and told me that Anony Mouse was neither a name nor the least bit funny and if I wished to keep my phone service I had to give them a better name.

Oh well, it worked for a bit.

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Questions to ask Telephone Solicitors
From: Firecat
Date: 25 Jan 04 - 04:00 PM

To those who were asking what a canna is, it's the abbreviated way of saying canvasser. I couldn't be bothered typing the full word all the time!