 sj |
||
|
||
BS: Where do you draw the line?
|
|
|
Subject: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Feb 04 - 06:53 PM Following on from the 'How do you argue' thread I got to thinking where do you stop? Take my situation. Great job, great bunch of people. One fly in the ointment - a collegue who does not see it the same way! She hates the job and hates the people:-( What is more she offloads it all on me! What do I do? I mean - I would love this job to go on until I retire in 30 or 40 years...( ;-) ) If my collegue carries on it could be far less! Any advice gratefuly accepted. Cheers DtG |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Bobert Date: 27 Feb 04 - 07:02 PM Well, just look over at your co-worker and say, "Geeze, your life is a real bummer." That oughtta either end the bitching or open yer co-worker up to say what is really buggin' her, other than the usual list of issues... And also, it doesn't hurt to just ask her out fir a drink and confront her with, "Hey, seems that there's some things that aren't working for you..." and see what happens while being prepared to say "Yeah, I'be heard those complaints but I sense that there's more to it...." People love to talk about themselves and I'm sure this co-worker has some other conflicts that are gettting mixed up with her work situation. Good luck, Bpbert |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Bill D Date: 27 Feb 04 - 07:04 PM I guess it depends on whether you want to be polite, or just stop her....sometimes there IS no polite way, as the person feels it is their right to be heard by 'you'........you 'can' try, "Masie, you just seem to be really upset about things....shouldn't you try bringing these things up to those who can do something?" and if that fails.."I just feel really uncomfortable hearing all this....please let's keep our discussions on necessary things." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Rasener Date: 27 Feb 04 - 07:40 PM Dave the gnome You sound pretty young. How old is this co-worker? Is she finding it difficult to get in with you all? Does she feel left out? Is her self esteem very low and is she feeling insecure? Is she doing the job because she has no other choice? Is she beeing critisized for her work quality? If you are prepared to do it, I think you need to confront her away from your workplace and without the other members present. If it was me, I would be doing the above recommendation, and then starting off by saying how much I think she has a roll to play within the group, but It's difficult to understand why she is slagging everybody off. Is there something that I can do to help you. Hopefully she will open up and tell you why she is doing it. In my humble opinion, it is important for her to realise that you find everybody within the team great, and that you are not prepared to take sides, but you are willing to help and advise her. If it doesn't work then I think you have to make it perfectly clear to her that you cannot take her side. That your team mates are more important. That in future you will work with her, but you are not prepared to listen to her negative attitude anymore. That she needs to buck up and start to work with the team. If it carries on, you then warn her that you are going to report her to your boss, becuase it is affecting your work. If she is a nasty peice of stuff, then watch out for the flack, and make sure you cover your backside. Heart on my sleeve approach to your problem. Hope I have been helpful. Sorry if I haven't. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 27 Feb 04 - 07:50 PM Of course, as someone who had a dozen years of his life and his career consumed by a genuine paranoid schizophrenic boss... I have some not very polite or socially acceptable thoughts, which I will not share with you.. Robin |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Rasener Date: 27 Feb 04 - 08:01 PM Robin But that is against your boss, not your colleagues I assume. Even so that doesn't sound very nice for you. In fact it sounds very traumatic. Dave's problem is that she doesn't seem to like anybody. That is not normal, to dislike everybody. Unless of course you are the boss and you think that everybody is a lazy good for nothing and not worth their job so to speak. She doesn't appear to be the boss. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 27 Feb 04 - 08:37 PM I just posted something in the 'Verbal/Non-verbal communication' thread on a similar theme... about my nutty neighbour, who I now just ignore - she'a always coming over the fence to rip out plants and cut things down - police won't interfere... At work - nobody wanted to do anything themselves, in fact they thought it very funny the way John treated me and that I should do something about it as it was upsetting them! - until I said - no - YOU do something if you don't like it - as far as I'm concerned, if you don't like it - suffer! Suddenly, they got very distressed about the whole situation... Not that I'd been able to stop this looney by myself for 10 years... Work finally promoted him elsewhere to get him out of the situation... and made me rudundant - and you may well wonder why Telstra is having problems...... :-) Robin |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Rasener Date: 28 Feb 04 - 04:34 AM Hmmmm |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: kendall Date: 28 Feb 04 - 04:36 PM To quote General George S. Patton: "No son of a bitch ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor son of a bitch die for HIS country." If you like your job, don't leave. Make her leave. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: GUEST,pattyClink Date: 28 Feb 04 - 10:39 PM Tell her 'gosh you hate it here so much, I really hope you can find another position asap. Me, I'm staying, and I don't need to be depressed and demoralized, so keep it to yourself. If you plan to stay, suck it up and enjoy it.' Tell her this over and over and over and over. If she deep-down wants to leave it may push her to do it. If she keeps staying and whining, get her 'written up' with the boss several times so he/she/it is aware she is a genuine workplace nuisance. With luck she'll decide you're an enemy and leave you alone, or the powers that be will eventually 'downsize' her, or a miracle will make it dawn on her that her whining is a genuine problem. AND IT IS, make no mistake. If you're having problems seeing yourself staying there, and you're an asset to the staff, then she is a genuine problem. Been there, done that, have had three very normal, nice, but poisonously negative colleagues destroy morale in three different firms, because THEY had one foot out the door...we were stuck staying after our eyes had been opened to all the dirty laundry and negatives in the firm had been beaten into us.....poison, human poison. All you owe them is to tell them you don't want to hear it, and they're too damn insensitive to figure it out unless you do tell them very bluntly. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Chief Chaos Date: 28 Feb 04 - 10:58 PM It doesn't sound like her problems are actually work related to me. Im no doctor but when one person just doesn't fit in where everyone else seems to be very happy that person is probably experiencing some mental problems. I don't mean to sound mean or like a know it all, but my recommendation is to invite her to express herself to a counselor, that you'll go with her (if you really like that co-worker) so she can get to the root of the problem. If she doesn't want to take such steps tell her politely that she is having a depressing influence on you and if she won't help herself or allow soemone to help her then she needs to limit her conversation about work to positive things not negative. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Peace Date: 28 Feb 04 - 11:00 PM Help her talk about it. Tell her to stop talking to you about it. I don't see a third option. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: GUEST Date: 29 Feb 04 - 06:05 PM Third option is for Dave to keep personalities out of his professional relationships. Maybe the problem is that HE can't cope with people whith differeent attitudes and values to his own. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 29 Feb 04 - 06:42 PM Nah - not young, Villan. The 30 or 40 years quip was a little tongue in cheek (well, perhaps a lot tongue in cheek...) but thanks for posting. I am actualy 10-15 years older than her. The problem, as spoken, is that I earn more. In truth I am senior in both years and experience and do command, if not deserve (!), more pay in the open market. I do sympathise though and see how it can leave her feeling hostile agaist the management. She likes to believe she is doing the same job (Technical Consultant) but I know that, technicaly at least, I could run rings around her. Why I say the problem 'as spoken' is that I do not believe however that this is the root of the issue. I keep saying, over and again, that if she is that annoyed about she should do something - but she doesn't! I am definitely going to do my best to stay btw so the options as see it are to either stop her complaining to me, somehow, or learn to live with it. Not sure if I fancy the latter:-( Thanks for the advice all. I will consider it very carefuly (apart from guest of 6:05 who obviously knows as much about working relationships as he does about me:-) ) Cheers DtG Cheers DtG |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Rasener Date: 01 Mar 04 - 09:17 AM Tell her to ask for a rise. If she gets it, you can go in and demand a rise as you deserve more than her. :-) Good ploy that. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Rapparee Date: 01 Mar 04 - 09:24 AM She might not be there as long as you think. If your management folks have half an ear, they'll be on her. If not, and she gets no reinforcement, she'll eventually leave. She may be laying it on you because everyone else has told her to piss off. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Bobjack Date: 01 Mar 04 - 09:27 AM Shoot her. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Kim C Date: 01 Mar 04 - 09:47 AM Kendall, I have someone in my office that EVERYONE, except The Big Boss, would love to see gone. We've told The Big Boss about the lady's shortcomings, and she won't hear any of it. We're hoping her husband takes early retirement from his job and they move to another state. :-) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: kendall Date: 01 Mar 04 - 08:41 PM Kim, maybe she has talents that only the boss can see? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Liz the Squeak Date: 02 Mar 04 - 07:08 PM We've got one like that... sits around and bitches to the manager that other people aren't doing anything, when she's spending upwards of 2 hours a day chatting to the same manager. I come in late one morning (a week after my heart operation) and got bawled out, another colleague comes in late daily, fiddles his flexi time and gets away with it. It's office politics and it will never ever go away until the top management do something about it. Trouble is, they never do anything until it's another manager being involved or it becomes an issue that would interest the Union, the HSE or HR. Then you can guarantee that despite previous suggestions, the shit will sink. LTS |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: GUEST,.gargoyle Date: 02 Mar 04 - 09:13 PM She is RIGHT
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Mar 04 - 04:05 PM Hehehe, Garg:-) Deidedif you can trust me with all your money yet? Cheers :D |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Ellenpoly Date: 04 Mar 04 - 05:38 AM Really interesting thread. After years of different interaction with a variety of people in myriad work situations, the biggest question that now always pops into my head is this- Is this someone who is happier being unhappy than they are trying to fix their situation? All else stems from that for me. If they seem to ignore any helpful suggestions and/or observations, then it's likely that they may get some kind of subconscious satisfaction from their negativity. This is a sad condition for them, but can be unbearable for anyone who has to work around them. If you can, and are prepared to deal with whatever comes rolling back your way...you can follow some of the ideas listed in this thread. But if you see that there is something in this person that is really more about spreading their own state of unhappiness, then you need to find a way of distancing yourself from her. Setting boundries in a work situation are worth it if you're there for the long haul. Good luck!..xx..e |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Liz the Squeak Date: 04 Mar 04 - 05:50 AM A big reason for not moving is the fear that you will be just as unhappy, if not more miserable, in a different situation. Fear of the unknown, particularly if you have a good imagination, can be crippling. This will in turn make you uncomfortable in your own situation and you will tend to take it out on your workmates. If you don't know from one day to the next how you are going to treat people or how you are going to be treated, then the habit of pre-emptive strikes sets in. Sooner or later, you will strike out just to prevent the very thing that you are creating. Been there, done that, got the medication. LTS |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 04 Mar 04 - 07:26 AM Hey Dave: Remember, if you loan a friend $20, and you never see that person again... ... it was probably worth it! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Sam L Date: 04 Mar 04 - 05:29 PM Some people try to hook up with others by bitching about still others. Maybe she likes you. If she really has issues, she should try to find the right emotional distance, and some satisfaction in the job. I work for people I don't really like, in some ways find them ridiculous, but I respect them in some other ways. Everyone else who worked there when I started is gone, but one, I, the last of the Mohicans. I found the right distance, and it's okay. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 04 Mar 04 - 07:16 PM Remember, if you loan a friend $20, and you never see that person again... it was probably worth it! I love that, Robin! A bit like a friend in need is a friend to avoid. Or where there's a will there's a lot of relations:) Latest today - The management are awful because she could not have time off to fix the heating...??? Is it me? Cheers DtG |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 04 Mar 04 - 08:58 PM Yes, it must be all your fault Dave... everybody used to tell me it was all my fault, so *Tag!* you're it! Robin |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Where do you draw the line? From: Kaleea Date: 05 Mar 04 - 03:10 AM I once knew a wonderful elderly minister who said that we could take a lesson from the Rabbi in "Fiddler on the Roof" in that there is a prayer for everyone & every circumstance. There are usually folks into "prayer" at most every place of employment. You might ask them to pray (or do it yourself) when in earshot of the colleague: God bless Ms. colleague, & keep Ms. colleague--FAR AWAY FROM US/ME!!! OR, let Ms. colleague know that you have become a student of, say, Positive Thinking, by Norman Vincent Peale, (or perhaps some well known motivational speaker, and your assignment for this month is to keep a positive attitude & see your place of employment only in a positive light, which is very difficult since, poor dear, she seems so unhappy,so could she please confine her comments to positive statements. And would she, dear friend, like to read some of the positive thinking literature? If you need it, you can often find a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking in many thrift/2nd hand stores to give to her--or to read for yourself. Most likely she will run for the hills when she sees you coming. Good luck. |
