BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!

Subject: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Mortimer Estuary, Twillingsgate Herald
Date: 13 May 04 - 06:08 PM

The town of Twillingsgate was stunned and electrified today by the shocking news that Ms Penelope Rutledge has eloped to the Continent with a Spanish gentleman she met in London only a few days ago. The Spaniard in question is a wealthy businessman and playboy from Barcelona named Senor Arturo Alfonso Eduardo Luis Santa Clara de Corazon de la Palma y Pontificado de Espinoza...(gasping for breath here...). We shall call him Senor Espinoza henceforth, lest we run out of ink.

Mr Espinoza is not British and he has a pencil-thin moustache and a deep tan! To be blunt about it, he's swarthy. He is rumoured to bet on the horses and consort with famous European actresses. He has been seen in Monaco, playing roulette and baccarat.

One can only wonder what devious means he must have employed to influence our Ms Rutledge to depart from the bosom of her friends and family without so much as a word of warning.

It so happens that Ms Rutledge's companion of many months, Captain Nigel West, recently departed on military duty to Iraq, where we trust he is doing his best to restore Tony Blair's reputation...or confirm it for all time... (Ahem) It was thought by her close friends that Ms Rutledge had been moody lately, but it was assumed that she was missing Captain West and was concerned for his safety.

Ms Rutledge, however, was seen only last weekend in London by our informant (who has asked to remain nameless), engaged in enthusiastic conversation with Senor Espinoza, and she was reportedly "glowing". On Wednesday afternoon Ms Rutledge packed two suitcases and took a limousine to London. She then apparently met Mr Espinoza at the airport and flew to Europe on the spot. Her present whereabouts are unknown.

Did we mention that Senor Espinoza has a pencil-thin moustache? It is this writer's opinion that this is only the beginning of a scandalous story that will shake Twillingsgate to its very foundations and drive yet another nail into the shuddering bosom of what was once Our Glorious and Unsullied Empire upon which the sun never set.

Stay tuned! The Twillingsgate Herald stands ready to keep you informed, blow by shocking blow, as this incredible story unfolds!

- Mortimer Estuary, Assistant Editor

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West
Date: 13 May 04 - 06:42 PM

Damn! My Saxon caught an RPG and I was somewhat hurt. Truth to tell, I probably wouldn't be here now were it not for the courage of my driver, Corporal Ian Tavish. Now, in hospital and finally allowed out of bed, I find that Miss Rutledge has been abducted by some Spanish pseudo-grandee. Damn! And I cannot at the moment follow to rescue her. I hesitate to think what she must be undergoing at this very moment, and no one there to help.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Sergeant Ian Tavish
Date: 13 May 04 - 07:14 PM

Nae matter wha he says, Captain West saved a bunch of us. When the carrier was hit, Capt. West and I were thrown clear. Just had the wind out of us. But it was an ambush, and the Captain fired back with his sidearm. I've ne'er seen such as he, chargin' the ambush, tossin' grenades, encouraging the men on.

He must ha' cleared a hundred meters of trench by himself, before he was caught in machine gun fire and hurt. By then, the rest of the lads were on it and cleaned up in short order.

Ye should know, he's been put in for the CGC and if the rest of lads and I have our way, he'll get it. Deserves the VC, really. If it weren't for his quick action in attacking we'd have all bought it there.

SERGEANT Ian Tavish

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 13 May 04 - 07:22 PM

Bloody HELL! What has she gone and done now? I knew something was afoot, but I never expected this. Nigel, old chap, sorry to hear about your injuries. I trust you will mend soon? I intend to find out more about this blasted Dagoe ASAP. I am off to London to gather information firsthand. Then we shall see what we shall see.

WWJ

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, Gardener
Date: 13 May 04 - 07:30 PM

Crikey! I fought there was somefin' afoote too, I did, but when I 'eard the news I was gobsmacked!!! I 'ad to 'ave a stiff drink and sit down. Then I found I needed another one. Mendicinal purposes, you unnerstand. I find it 'ard to believe Miss Penelope would fly off wif one of them foreign types wot lives in a villa and drinks wine wif 'is breakfast. Shocking! Appalling! I fink I'd better 'ave another jolt and fink about this some more before I am driven to do somefink rash that would reflect badly on Rutledge 'Ouse.

Albert

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Rita Dobbins, Head Cook.
Date: 13 May 04 - 07:35 PM

She's always bin a flighty bird. Look wot 'appened when that beestro place opened up dahn tahn. Couldn't keep her mince pies offa that waiter chappie. I told 'er to quit eating foreign muck. Told 'er it would turn her 'ead.

Rita.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, Gardener
Date: 13 May 04 - 07:43 PM

Now, Rita, If I was you I'd watch wot I said in a pubic forum. These kind of fings can come back to 'aunt a person. I fink we should not judge Miss Rutledge prior to obtainin' all the facts. She might 'ave been kidnapped by that fast talkin' Dago chap! My Gawd...I fink I need another drink right now...

Ablert

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 May 04 - 07:55 PM

Excellent news! We sincerely hope Señora Espinoza plans on spending the rest of her days in sunny Spain and off this forum.

Goodbye and good riddance Penelope!!!!

Too bad she didn't elope with William Shatner so we could have been rid of both of them.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:00 PM

Christ! That would have been just a little toooooo much to hope for. (grin)

WHAT an idea though...!

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:10 PM

Oh, damn. More dreams up in smoke. Helas!! Je suis etonnee!

And other similar assertions. Melodram seems to be much more difficult when you get older, for some reason.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Bertie Matchless
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:11 PM

Mortimer Estuary is a sallow, long-nosed, sexless old git with an appetite for innuendo and scandal. I have to admit, though, he's onto something good this time. It promises to be a lively weekend at the Fox and Fiddle, not to mention the Vicar's Inn.

I'll wager 500 quid that Penelope marries her Spanish toff before June 30th this year, and I'll bet another 500 that she's back home by Christmas, rueing the day she ever met him!

Bertie Matchless

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:17 PM

Bertie, you uncouth bastard, I see that you've stopped harassing the serving girls at the pub long enough to get to a keyboard. Jolly good! I'll see your 500 for June 30th and raise you another 500 that she'll never marry the bloody Dagoe. Never. Furthermore, she'll be home by June 30th, not by Christmas. There's another 500 riding on that, old chap, so start saving your money now.

WWJ

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Angelique
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:26 PM

Ainsi, la chienne de Rutledge vient en Europe, n'est-ce pas? Elle est aussi bienvenue ici qu'attila l'hun serait. Ce continent n'est pas assez grand pour contenir tous les deux nous. J'espère qu'elle est tuée en se heurtant un grand camion.

Angelique

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Bertie Matchless
Date: 13 May 04 - 08:58 PM

You're on, Winston! You poor sod, you are in for a bad time of it. You'll be buying me drinks for at least a month. Say, isn't that Angelique Forget, the French tart who sprang Buggeroll out of gaol and tried to put poison in your drink last year?

Bertie

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 13 May 04 - 09:01 PM

Yes, Bertie, it is indeed. Dangerous little bitch, that one. Well, I am in London and am about to track down some useful information. TTFN.

WWJ

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West, CGC
Date: 13 May 04 - 09:29 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West, CGC
Date: 13 May 04 - 09:37 PM

Sorry about that. It's hard to type with these bandages on my hands.

Winston, be a good chap and let me know what you find in London, would you?

I'm being invalided out tomorrow ack emma. I'll be deplaned in Italy, and I've convinced The Powers That Be to let me recover in Majorca -- at my expense, of course. They argued, but found in oh so hard to deny anything to a Wounded Hero, what with the political situation as it is and all.

I could be in Spain by tomorrow evening; I'll be at my Uncle's place. I think you know where it is.

Still weak, but quickly getting better. Sergeant Tavish will be with me, it was the only way I could convince the Colonel.

My God! That poor girl!

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 13 May 04 - 10:54 PM

Dere Captain Nigel,
Keep yore eye on thet Sarjent Tavish, az it iz whispered amongst the sarvent folk thet yore Mz.Ranklegs is summat well practiced in blowing tunes on the good sarjent's bagpipe. I would not trust neither obv them two az far as I could throw them.
I hope this will not be viewed by any eyes cept yore's, az I yam not one to spread tails, but thought you should know whut the hail yore gettin into wif that scrawny ode harpy.
Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,bored
Date: 14 May 04 - 03:38 AM

Somebody here obviously has a lot of time on their hands and likes the sound of their own voice.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 14 May 04 - 04:20 AM

It is my contention that Mortimer Estuary, is none other than Peirs Schmorgasbord of that devilish rag, Le Miroir, and that Penelope s not in Spain, but hauled up in a territorial army truck just outside of Preston, where he is using her for his own political purposes. Any photographic evidence of Penelope's elopemnet has been staged for this connivance, and the 'Spaniard' you refer to, is none other than a lowly paid indian takeaway assistant Sanjit Rasputin, who has been lured there on the promise of better wages and endless supplies of St Tropez. A statement was made in parliament earlier today, categorically stating that this story was unfounded and demanding that Piers be dangled feet first from Tower Bridge until his nose bleeds.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 14 May 04 - 11:43 AM

That is an interesting assertion, Linda, and one I should look into did I not have it on rather good authority that Penelope did indeed depart on an airplane from Heathrow Airport in the company of one Arturo (etc, etc, ad infinitum) Espinoza. She appears to have gone willingly. In fact, I rather doubt that anyone could compell her to get on an airplane unwillingly, knowing Penelope.

I think she has lost her head over the fellow. English women are sometimes taken in by the superficial gloss and exotic accents of these Mediterranean types.

I'm not sure if I should follow or simply wait for her to come to her senses. I'm mulling it over.

Nigel - Sorry, old chap, but I think she's fallen for the Dagoe. We shall have to proceed cautiously. Penelope can be very stubborn, as I think you know. Rather than any direct confrontations I would advise discreet surveillance at this point.

Their flight went to Paris, by the way, not Spain.

WWJ

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 May 04 - 12:26 PM

Paris? How appropriate. Paris is the ideal place for star-crossed lovers to spend an enchanted weekend or two. I think you should follow them to Paris, Winston, and when you get there you could get plastered (that's a joke, mate), look up Angelique Forget and have what was once referred to as "a gay old time"...(before the word "gay" got sexually politicized and ruined for all time.) Then you and Angelique could get together with Penelope and Arturo and do a foursome. What say?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,lurker
Date: 14 May 04 - 04:49 PM

I could be hired as a private detective...I'll lurk in the shadows and either drag her kicking and screaming back home, pay the Spaniard to marry her or silence her forever. Whatever the gentleman wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Madamoiselle Fifi, Chambermaid.
Date: 14 May 04 - 05:54 PM

Zut Alors!!!!!!!!!! Never in all my dez 'ave I seen such hanky panky. Room 39 reverberates with zer zound of zer bedsprings....zair are champagne corks all over ze floor. Ze curtains 'ang by a mere thread and ze lampshade iz swinging like a pendulum.

I demand plus centimes to clean up zis mess. Merde, zey are back, I can hear dem climbing ze stairs. Oh no, zey are shouting.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West, CGC
Date: 14 May 04 - 09:11 PM

Well, they awarded me the CGC. Men deserved it more, really. I was only doing my duty. Good lads, all of them.

But I digress. I am ensconced in Majorca, at the Uncle's place in Puerto de Pollensa. Never thought the trip would be so rough. Tavish came with me, gave me a morphine when we hit some rough weather. Don't like it, makes you silly. Anyway, we landed at an Eyetie airfield, where they transfered me to a med flight to the Rock. Wanted to put me in hospital there, but I showed them my orders and they laid on a flight for me to Palma de Mallorca. Arranged for a car, Tavish drove, and here we are.

So, Miss Rutledge is in Paris? Are we certain of that? I can't believe that she'd be shouting, especially in a hotel; that sort of thing is so very not done. I want to soak up some sun tomorrow, get my strength back as I think I'm going to need it. Right now Tavish wants me to take my medicine and sleep.

Be a good chap and let me know what's turning up, Winston. And for the record, I can't recommend being machine gunned.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 14 May 04 - 10:28 PM

Don't be ridiculous, Little Hawk, the Forget woman is the French equivalent of a poisonous snake. I have had dealings with her before. She is unquestionably attractive, but totally vicious and untrustworthy, and she hates the gentry and considers herself a sworn enemy of the upper classes, and bears me a serious grudge over my humiliation of her paramour, Malcolm Buggeroll, the perverted S Scottish poet. She also hates the English on principle, despite our heroic efforts on behalf of her wretched nation in WWII. Need I say more?

Nigel, I am sorry to hear about your wounds, but at least you have gotten a CGC out of it. Damn fine job. What I plan to do is fly to Paris tomorrow, and see if I can find them. This Arturo Espinoza likes living expensively, so I expect I can track him down soon enough by going to "the right places" if you know what I mean.

What puzzles me is that there is no word from Penelope whatsoever. I would think she would have something to say about all this. It's odd. More than that, it's worrisome. I have the laptop so I shall keep in touch.

WWJ

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge
Date: 14 May 04 - 10:48 PM

Winston, will you sit down, take a few deep breaths, and then kindly stuff it! If I want to go to Paris with a friend that is my business, not yours. I suggest that you save yourself the air fare and go pubbing instead, as is your usual wont. I am perfectly all right and having a wonderful time...away from the usual gossipping set in bloody Twillingsgate! I had planned to studiously ignore this silly discussion, but I don't particularly want you trailing around after me in Paris and interfering with my holiday.

Nigel, we are going to have to talk at some point, but this is really not the time for it. I had not expected your return from Iraq at this time. Do not do anything rash. Go home to London and get some rest. I will be in touch. I wish to emphasize that I am not in need of "rescuing" right now.

And that post from the supposed "Mme. Fifi" is undoubtedly one of my anonymous enemies in Twillingsgate trying to embarrass me. Utter rubbish. Disregard it entirely. Even jOhn from Hull could not have come up with something so ridiculous.

*PR

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 May 04 - 12:38 AM

There are no letters "c" or "h" in the fine Scandinavian word "smorgasbord." We don't pronouce it as if there were any, either.

Who is Penelope Rutledge? (I could look it up myself, but I think the explanation by this crew would be far more enlightening!)

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Sergeant Tavis
Date: 15 May 04 - 09:01 AM

Tha Captain was hurt worse than he lets on, and on the flight yesterday some of his stitches came open. Good job there was a medico on the plane; I gave him some morphine and they stitched him closed again. Caught a burst of five, he did, before he plinked off the Iraqi bastard who did it. Some fifteen years in and I've never seen finer shooting with a sidearm. Doctor says he'll be fine with rest.

I slipped some sleeping medicine into his tea last night; doctor in Iraq gave it to me just for this sort of thing. He'll be annoyed about it when he wakes, but it's rest for him right now and Doctor's orders that Sergeant Tavish see to it!

Funny thing, by putting quits to the ambush it seems that he not only saved his Company, stopped an attack on an American unit as well. The Americans have put him in for their Silver Star, which is rather like the CGC he got. Good man, Captain West. Make someone a fine husband, should he be the marrying kind.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Penelope Rutledge
Date: 15 May 04 - 09:33 AM

My Dear Captain West

I write this from a small locked room in a tiny house in Majorca. My dear Nurse, Rosie Pomfrits, has accompanied me on what I thought was a mission of mercy, to attend to the local elderly ladies of Majorca, who were seeking bingo lessons. I packed a tiny bag, with my lace handkerchieves, lavender water and a good stiff bottle of Gilbey's, thinking it would be a quick trip for the weekend. Pomfrits has smuggled in some lavatory paper, on which I write this hasty missive. I beg you, Captain West, please forgive this ungainly writing paper and understand that I am held captive by two haggard old women with rings through their ears. They were not at all interested in learning bingo, but have been teaching me a strange card game called Tarrow, or something, with lots of funny pictures and some strange incantations.

As I write, I fear you may never receive this letter. I think of you suffering on the battlefields of Basra, and my heart bleeds, knowing you may bacome dust in the desert of unfulfilled dreams. But I am afraid, Captain West, for a strange man keeps peeking through my window. He has flaming dark eyes like an eagles, and a huge, muscular, hairy, chest. His ebony hair flows down his back, and I see he means me no gentle courtesy, my lord.

as I write, I feel weak from nerves, and fear I may be shortly overcome with a fit of the vapours. Know that, til the end, I have stayed faithful to your love.

I remain

your own true


Miss Penelope Rutledge
653 Fotheringham Avenue
Crappon By The Sea

lately of Majorca

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Pomfrits
Date: 15 May 04 - 10:19 AM

I was watching our Lady Penelope as she sat with those two old women. She didn't notice, but I did, their exceptionally hairy, muscular legs sticking out beneath those patchwork skirts. There was something strange about them two, like, I knows those Spanish women are hairy and all, but they needed a good electrolysis job if you ask me. There was something fishy about them, and that bloody card game, full of Triads and all, maybe they's the Spanish mafiosi?

One of them kept calling the other one Nigella or something, bloody Spanish names. I just looked after Lady Penelope, who came over all strange after she wrote the letter, and I gave it to that nice Alfonso who keeps hanging about, to take to the Post Office.

Rosie

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Ian Tavish
Date: 15 May 04 - 10:32 AM

I say, Freddy, I don't think she's twigged that we're wigged! what say you and I, Fotheringham, go another round of rummy while she's out to it. Nigel's trotted off to the Post Office, or that's what Pomfrits thinks. Little does she know that the letter has already reached its destination.

He said it was just for a lark, Fredders, but, you know, I think the old boy really wanted to know one way or the other how she felt. Maybe all those nights under the stars, listening to bombs going off finally got to him. You'd think she would have seen through the fake tan, wig and false mustache, but she just keeps sobbing into her hanky. Personally, I think he makes a better Captain than a Dago. and that garlic flavoured olive oil over his arms,that was a little uncalled for....

whose deal?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 May 04 - 01:20 PM

Gadfry! The mind boggles...

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West, CGC
Date: 18 May 04 - 09:20 AM

DAMN Tavish! I've been asleep for the better part of three days!

I do feel rested and much better, however. I shouldn't be so hard on the chap; saved my life and all. Still a bit dizzy and weak, but it's wearing off quickly. Had the oddest dream, that Miss Rutledge had ran off with a Spanish grandee or something who was perched in a tree shouting "Kreegah! Bundolo!" as in the Edgar Rice Burroughs novels of my youth.

I remember where I am and how I got here, but the morphine and whatever else I was given has erased a lot of recent memory.

I'll write Miss Rutledge and tell her about the CGC. I'm certain she'll have a laugh over my dream.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Bertie Matchless
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 08:25 PM

I should like to point out, Winston, that you owe me 500 quid. You may recall that you bet that 500 quid on the assumption that our Penelope would be home in Twillingsgate by June 30th of this year, having ditched her paramour. It is now August 24th, and she is not home, she is still with the Dago chap and living it up scandalously on the French Riviera! Pay up, Winston, pay up.

Bertie

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 08:44 PM

And I should like to point out, Bertie, that you owe me 500 quid because you said categorically that she would marry the Don by June 30th. She has not done so. Therefore my 500 cancels out your 500 and we are dead even at the moment.

WWJ

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Bertie Matchless
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 08:52 PM

Fine, Winston. Fine. You're wiggling out on a technicality. I think you're just very vexed that Penelope has not done as you would have preferred and is instead gallivanting around flagrantly in the clubs of Monaco with her boyfriend while you sit morosely in the Fox and Dragon twiddling your thumbs and flirting unenthusiastically with the serving girls. You will still owe me 500 when she returns disillusioned by Christmas, as I predicted.

Bertie

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 08:58 PM

And you will owe me a bloody thousand soon enough, Bertie, because she is never going to marry that simpering quesadilla-eater! I expect she will be home by Christmas, as you said, and not married. Then you will pay me. In the meantime sod off or I'll box your stupid ears for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Bertie Matchless
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:01 PM

You never were any good at Math, Winston. I won't owe you a bloody thousand at Christmas or anytime. It's my opinion you're drunk. You also forgot to sign off on your last message. That proves it.

Bertie

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:05 PM

(Now this is funny stuff!! MUCH better than fart jokes).

A

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:10 PM

And it's my opinion that you are a shallow, effeminate, limp-wristed upper-class twit on his way to a sudden facial encounter with a cobblestone. Piss off!

WWJ

p.s. Fine. 500 quid. You'll see.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Albert McSwiggins, Gardener
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:25 PM

I would like to say that I am only willing to appear on this 'ere f'read postchumously because I don't wish to implicytied in what is becoming an embarrassin scandal for Rutledge 'Ouse. Therefore altho you might see my name at the top of this 'ere posting that doesn't mean that I am actually involved in any personal way wot might be contstrewed as reflectin badly on Rutledge 'Ouse. I am innocent of any malpropisms in regard to this affair. I 'ave no axe to grind. Be that as it may, I wish to state categorikcly that we all miss our Miss Penelope and is 'opin' that she will return un'armed to the bosom of this community and this 'ome wot she calls 'er own. I don't 'old wif Dagoe chaps messin' about wif fine British ladies, and I 'ope this Arturo Infinito Espinosio or wotever 'e calls 'imself gets 'is comeuppence wif tuppence and is sent back to Spain where 'e belongs wif a flea in 'is ear!

Cor! I need a drink.

Albert McSwiggins, Gardener at Rutledge 'Ouse and proud of it.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Rita Dobbins, Head Cook.
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:31 PM

And may I 'ad that Albert speaks for us all, he do.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West, CGC
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:34 PM

Rested and fit and off to Monaco to see about this Spanish chappy and Miss Rutledge.

Winston, what information might you have about their whereabouts?

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Winston Wellington-Jones
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 09:49 PM

They shouldn't be hard to find, Nigel. Just hit the expensive spots in Monaco, Saint-Tropez, Cannes, Nice. Follow the money trail. Espinoza spends money like Crassus on the Saturnalia. And watch it. Not that I am saying this Arturo is particulary dangerous. He's not. It's Penelope who is dangerous if you cross her. Keep it in mind. She's stubborn and willful. I'd keep an eye out for that French tart, Angelique too. You never know.

WWJ

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Captain Nigel West, CGC
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 10:21 PM

Palma de Majorca
24 August 2004

Sr. Senor Arturo Alfonso Eduardo Luis Santa Clara de Corazon de la Palma y Pontificado de Espinoza
Hotel de Paris Monte Carlo
Place de Casino
98000 Monaco

Sir:

I am leaving immediately for Monaco, where I shall insist upon meeting with you to discuss the matter of Miss Penelope Rutledge. I cannot but feel that you have misled her and taken advantage of her youth. I hope for your sake that you can convince me otherwise, for should you be unable to do so I shall be forced to see honour satisfied.

Being in French territory, the French rules of engagement would be followed.

Until I arrive tomorrow, I remain, etc.,

Captain Nigel West, CGC

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Amos
Date: 24 Aug 04 - 11:24 PM

Captain Nigel,

Although a colonial, I see your courage and decisiveness as exemplary of the very best of English character and you have all my best wishes for success in re-roping that durned maverick dogie of yourn.

A. Jessup
Wild West,
America

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Angelique Forget
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 12:56 PM

Dear Diary,

I have tracked down the Rutledge bitch and her lover at their hotel in Monaco. It is a place filled with rich, decadent swine who spend their days lavishly spending their ill-gotten gains, wrung from the sweat of the working classes, on idleness, gambling, and frivolity. They are pigs, all of them! The Espinoza pig is one of the biggest pigs of all, though I must admit he is a rather handsome man. He reeks of the Spanish nobility. I would wager that he has a villa the size of Rouen with at least a hundred Arabian horses. No wonder the Rutledge bitch likes him...she is mad about horses. (One wonders if Espinoza is endowed like a horse himself? Hmmm? But I digress.)

My clever disguise has allowed me to get quite close to Rutledge without her detecting my presence.

Imagine my surprise last night when who should appear but that British pig of an officer, Captain Nigel West! In he comes, ramrod straight as always, as if with a poker stuck up in a private place, and walks up to the table where the Rutledge bitch is sitting with her paramour, Espinosa.

"Arturo Espinoza, I presume?" he says, looking severely at the Spanish grandee. "I think we have business. Good evening, Penelope," he says in an aside to Rutledge. She gasps. She is momentarily at a loss, it seems.

Espinoza is all smiles and courtesy. He extends his hand to West, but West refuses to take it. Espinoza seems not to notice. Eventually he persuades West to sit down for a glass of Sherry, and they get down to discussing business.

Apparently West is under the impression that the Rutledge has been taken advantage of by Espinoza, because of her youth and inexperience. Ha! I laugh. That would be like a black widow spider being taken advantage of by some passing butterfly. Rutledge knows exactly what she is doing. She is traveling to big resorts, dining in the best restaurants, and living high off the hog like a queen. She is out of the incredible boredom and tedium of that tweedy English hell called "Twillingsgate"! Ha!

Espinoza is a smooth one. It seems that West is seeking a duel to the death with him. I would be in favour of this, because West might get killed, and I would like that. However, West is clearly very good with weapons, so Espinoza would probably be the one to get killed instead. That would be fine, I suppose, but I don't really care. It is West and Rutledge that I want humiliated and destroyed. They must pay for the indignities perpetrated on my beloved Malcom, the Poet of the Highlands, and myself. But first they must suffer the tortures of the damned.

Well, Espinoza and West discuss it for some time, with Rutledge looking quite cross. Eventually Espinoza suggests that Rutledge and West have a little time to discuss it between themselves out on the balcony. West agrees. Espinoza calmly has a smoke while West and Rutledge go to have their talk.

I eavesdrop upon them, behind the curtain. They think they are alone.

West is very passionate. He insists that he is there only to "rescue you, my dearest", but the Rutledge will have none of it. "I don't know how to tell you this, Nigel," she says, "but I have changed. I have found my wings and I intend to continue flying. I cannot go back to the social pretenses and sober rubbish in Twillingsgate...nor in London either, for that matter. I'm fed up with it! Arturo is very nice and gallant and I am NOT in his control in any way. I am the captain of my own vessel and I am charting my own course!"

(So pretentious, this Rutledge bitch. You would think she was acting a part in the Russian Imperial family or something, back before the revolution!)

West turns pale and his jaw grows taught. "We...were engaged to be married, Penelope," he declares.

Rutledge is a bit abashed. She must feel guilty about it. "Yes, Nigel," she says, eyes downcast. "We were. I can't deny it. But then you went away to that stupid war of Tony Blair's, and...things changed. I met Arturo, and...it's different now. I don't want the same things anymore. I don't want a nice, tidy, disciplined life attending tea parties and gatherings of your military friends in London. I...oh, Nigel, I AM sorry...but...what can I do?"

(Pfui! My heart bleeds for her. Shameless hussy. Give these bloodless English women a taste of Europe and all their pretty perfect pretenses fall in ruins. Ha!)

West is shaken, but he pulls himself together, as does Rutledge. They agree to reserve judgement on the matter and not make any rash decisions tonight, but it is clear to me that Rutledge has somewhat gently given West what is called "the bum's rush", I believe, in America. Eventually they go back out to talk with Arturo Espinoza.

He is all smiles. West looks green around the gills. I almost feel sorry for him, but he's a swine who deserves to die, so to hell with him.

They spend some time drinking and talking in a somewhat amicable manner. I note that West does not drink very much. He intends to remain sober. Interesting. Most men in his position would get very drunk indeed. After all, my Malcom gets drunk quite willingly even when things are going extremely well. More so then, in fact. He is a creature of enormous physical appetites, with a lust for the many pleasures of fleshly existence. My thighs grow hot thinking of him!

But enough of that. I continue to observe them from a distance, until eventually the "happy couple" excuse themselves, leaving West alone with his thoughts. He is in a grim mood. He goes out for a smoke. Soon he is joined by another man, military in bearing. I know this man. He is some pig of a British commando or something like that. He assisted in embarrassing Malcolm. He too must be made to pay. I must be very careful, though. This one is a professional killer. I know the type. A natural fascist.

I go now to phone Malcolm and make plans for my campaign of action to utterly destroy Rutledge and West.

- Angelique

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: Once Famous
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 01:00 PM

This reminds me of unwatchable British comedy on PBS where everyone sounds like they have a mouth full of mothballs.

Subject: RE: BS: Penelope Rutledge Elopes!!!!!
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Aug 04 - 01:04 PM

You'd need an awful lot of moths.