BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Dec 04 - 01:39 AM

Looks like someone did some serious cleanup in here while we were away for a couple of days. Good! There was a funny smell coming from over near the side door that, well, good manners prevents me from speculating what it was, but it needed to be cleared up. It's a good thing the port-a-johns are in place.

Now, is Nurse Ratched going to make an appearance one of these days? I believe her alter-ego is at last on the page. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Dec 04 - 01:27 AM

Hoppy New Beer to you all!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Pauline L
Date: 26 Dec 04 - 11:37 PM

Mmario, that annisette, layered with bailey's, 3 parts to 2 parts, sounds so good! Would you make one for me and another one for Sinsull? She's got a chest cold, and this might make her feel better.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 24 Dec 04 - 03:39 AM

"YOU LOT" I resemble that remark said the squid recovering its missing tentacle and inspecting the suckers for damage and wondering if it is possible to to play a C tentacle in F. He returns to the jello tank for solace but finds it full of blissful people being ignorantly drunk and wonders at the follies and foibles of mankind. Cephalopod Christmases back home were nothing like this, the odd hermit crab may don a little tinsel occasionally and sharks were known to hit the rum bottle, but that was all. No one lost pieces of their anatomy or got impaled on pine branches, burnt their nuts and suddenly became accidentally Jewish.

This is my last morning at work before the festivities, ho bloody ho, so it's a Merry Winter Seasonal Festival to you all and a Happy New Year.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Matt_R
Date: 24 Dec 04 - 02:58 AM

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU LOT!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MAG
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 09:55 PM

Waste of good liquor, that. OOH, here comes Animaterra's choral group to do their Solstice songs ... do you know any Artisan??

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 05:27 PM

Nurse Ratched! Another customer over here! He responds well to being dragged by the ear. I wouldn't give him access to an oxygen tank... but you know best. heh heh "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,The Librarian, Unseen University
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 04:29 PM

A large, orange figure with twice as much skin as it needs to encapsulate it's body, knuckles over to where BI is now drinking herself comatose again. With one hand like a large leather glove, he gently strokes her head whilst thoughtfully eating a banana.

"Ooook? Eeeeek!" he mutters to himself

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MMario
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 02:55 PM

I think I have everything for Christmas ready - go tht B-I-L a certificate for a 12 step program on overcoming Librarians;

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 02:51 PM

Oi! Which one of you degenerates put me in there? I'm sober now....which is a very good reason to get drunk again! Pass me a bottle. Yes, tequila will do nicely....

And who let that squid in?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 01:11 PM

Sage spots the neglected harness that was helpful last year when catsPHiddle wasn't quite on her feet yet (and before it was strapped to the christmas tree). She tucks that idea back where it came from--Blissfully Ignorant would not improve by being upright and aided by the harness.

"The recovery ward, I think, is the place for you. Nurse Ratched will be with you shortly." Sage drags and nudges the now sleeping BI through the coat closet and rolls (him? her?) into the nearest empty bed to sleep it off. Much better than accidentally rolling into the jello pit.

"What kind of beer do you have over there, barkeep? I'd like a drink that doesn't burn when exposed to a flame."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MMario
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 01:02 PM

As someone in blissful ignorance tries to coax music out of a squid tentacle the remainder of the Tavern patrons cautiously edge away

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 12:49 PM

*lifts head from floor momentarily*

You accushin me of being under the affluence of incohol? Itsh all liesh! *hic* Liesh, i shay....can shomebody get me shome shmokes? Pleashe....*hic* hehehe, i found a shnorkel on the flor...*hic* whosh ish thish?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 12:15 PM

Hey BI, you been whisky tasting again? Strip poker is too tame for us, we disrobe with fire.

The smell of singed hair and burning bris still assails the nostrils mixed with that of the holly tree. Although it is not so much a smell as a miasma and almost tangible.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 11:59 AM

*staggers in, breaking three windows in the proccess*

Shorry i'm *hic* late, folks....i got...*hic* shtopped by some fookin idiot wearing a fookin polshemansh uniforum..looked loike a shtripogram, he did. Tried to shay i wash...*hic* drunk and dishorderly! Bashtard! **sirens wail outside* Jusht *hic* ignore that!
Guessh what i brought! Whipped *hic* cream!!!!

*falls over*

Itsh okaaaaaaay, jusht that fookin floor tripped me up again..*hic* bashtardin floor... hey, anbody wanna play *hic* shtrip poker?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 11:51 AM

But it does cauterize the wound. Anyway, in his state he wouldn't have felt a thing, and now won't be able to ever again. At least the hair will grow back.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 11:30 AM

ooooooooooooooo! OUCH! The poor guy is as hairless as a baby's bottom, and has third-degree burns . . .I've never seen a guy do his own bris before, and fire is not the first choice of tools. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 07:34 AM

This is worse than any skunk. This worse than inside of a camel driver's jockstrap under the burning midday Saharan sun. This is eggy farts, ammonia and pig droppings all in one. This is MEGASMELL.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MBSLynne
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 04:11 AM

Rustic Rebel...you forgot to take the skunk!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 03:58 AM

Down wind of a burning, pee soaked holly tree several small rodents are seen staggering about clutching their throats gasping for air as a shocked punk like figure claws at his now burning genitalia. Yes folks - blow back.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: el_punkoid_nouveau
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 03:03 AM

Too late SRS - the punkoid (while you were busy issuing warnings!) snuck round behind the bar. "What can we find here?"

Along the bottles and optics - cask strength whisky, over proof rum...hey, there's a whole party here!

The punkoid sneaks a bottle of the finest over proof into his poacher's pocket, and "borrows" the finest bottle of cask strength Islay single malt. Before the bartender has a chance to see him, he sneaks back out, and heads outside towards the holly tree.

Reaching into his (somewhat emptied) pockets, he pulls out a cigarette lighter. "This'll make peeing more comfortable!" he says, aiming a jet of over proof at the tree...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 23 Dec 04 - 02:47 AM

Snorting vodka may be okay, but please don't snort tequila. I hear it can really do a number on your sinuses.

I thought we of an un-animal like could walk away from the human animal type, but that is just not happening. We took a short walk around the hemisphere and re-entered with a knowledge that only those who could walk around the full hemisphere in a day could obtain.
In a days walk with cats, a monkey, a duck and a squid, the knowledge that we found in a days walk around the earths hemisphere is that nothing is sacred and everything is considered either eugenic or meat to somebody.
We escaped with our meat. No-one wanted our brains.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 07:21 PM

You need to translate (or spell out) that one, Liz.

Rapaire, don't give our incendiary punk any ideas!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 06:09 PM

Got me a case of J2O's in orange and passionfruit.. who's up for a softie?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 03:30 PM

that would be annisette, layered with bailey's, 3 parts to 2 parts.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 03:29 PM

Afterburner:

151 proof rum, sprayed out of the mouth and ignited by directing the spray through the flame of a cigarette lighter or match. (Note: do not inhale during this process.)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MBSLynne
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 03:27 PM

How drunk IS a skunk?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 02:50 PM

1 part 101 proof green chartreuse
1 part good brandy
1 part or less of good lemon-lime soda, like Sprite.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 01:27 PM

Mixing up a batch of "Fluffy ducks"* - somehow it seems appropriate in the tavern...









*a Fluffy Duck:

1 part Advocaat
1 part Creme de Cacao
- pour over shaved ice - fill glass with 7-Up

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 12:07 PM

Snorting vodka off a teaspoon was very popular in Hull a few years ago, apparently it gets you drunk as a skunk real fast, but the effect wears off in a few minutes.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 12:01 PM

best suited to long slow cooking with moist heat - therefore the hot tub.

oops! was that my out loud voice?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 11:55 AM

Women, especially Mudcat women, are tough.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 11:48 AM

Aaaarrrrgggghhh!! The thought of snorting hot cider to clear the sinuses beggars belief.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 11:34 AM

Sage briefly dons a moon-suit, picks up a bucket of pine oil and a brush and gives the new ladies loo a quick once-over. Dirty work, but someone has to do it.

The moon suit is stashed in the back shed behind the kitchen and Sage orders a hot spicy mug of cider to clear the other smells from her sinuses. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 10:39 AM

The portaloos speed through the night courtesy of UPS who promptly lose them somewhere near Gnome (don't ask about routing) although the on-line tracking puts them between Reno and Miami just outside Heathrow Airport. The toilet rolls were sent by snail mail and now wait in a very lonely Tavern car park.

A lone figure pees against a holly tree, gaunt and bearded features staring in the half light. The woman staggers back into the bar, no one had told her about the change of arrangements.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 09:19 AM

Can we put those porta-loo's on Bert's Credit Card?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 09:14 AM

Ah-HA! The light of dawn creeps across his brain, the realization (realisation>/i> to the UKers and other folks who can't tell "z" from "s") springing, like Athena fully-armed from the head of Zeus, that here was a way to make fabulous amounts of money.

Quick as a wink, he pulls out his cell phone and calls a secret number in Alberta.

"Brucie? Yeah, hey, that $1,000,000 idea about the traveling outhouses? Can I have the franchise for the Mudcat Christmas and other Taverns? I can? Great! There's a bloody fortune in it! They've blown up the women's and the men are using a tree. If you can get a couple of boxcars of the Number 1 Grade AA Super D-Lux Euro-Style here all the investors will clean up. Yeah, just set the delivery coordinates for the Mudcat Christmas Tavern too Parking Lot, thread 76111, at the '.org. Thanks!"

He signs off, sips his hoochanoo, and blandly sings under his breath, Billy Edd Wheeler's Ode To The Little Brown Shack Out Back.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 04:51 AM

It's not over until the fat lady sings, and I'm not calling anybody fat after last time, the scars will take years to fade

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 04:43 AM

It's no wonder that Waltz looks peculiar, the tune in Geoff's head is a Tango.

The paper holder is put behind just for annoyance, and as for the smell - you can always hold yout nose.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 02:54 AM

By the light of the rubbery ducks, Geoff and his true love waltz to the tunes in their heads.... Mrs Duck won't be pleased, he's got jellied squid on his collar again.

The Gents is now the Ladies and the holly tree out the back is the new Gents. You get to look (!) where you pee... it's more difficult when you're sitting. Incidentally, 2 questions. 1) Why is the paper holder put BEHIND the person sitting, and 2) How do you make all Gents toilets smell that bad? We need Spaw in here to clear the air!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: el_punkoid_nouveau
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 02:49 AM

There's only one good reason for turning a fire hose on anything...
















And that's because...

















































IT'S BURNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 12:03 AM

Penguins

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 01:19 PM

It looks like it's about time to tip this place on edge and let some of the clutter slide out before the fire hose gets turned on it again. Sheesh. It's as bad as a teenager's bedroom in here. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MMario
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 01:16 PM

The Penguins enter and sing:

A bone, God wot!
Sticks in my throat --
Without I have a draught
Of cornie ale,
Nappy and stale,
My life lies in great waste.
Some ale or beer,
Gentle butler,
Some liquor thou us show,
Such as you mash
Our throats to wash,
The best ware that you brew.

Saint, master, and knight,
That Saint Malt hight,
Were pressed between two stones;
That sweet humour
Of his liquor
Would make us sing at once.
Master Wortley, I dare well say,
I tell you as I think,
Would not, I say,
Bid us this day,
But that we should have drink.

His men so tall
Walk up his hall,
With many a comely disk;
Of his good meat
I cannot eat,
Without I drink, I wis.
Now give us drink,
And let cat wink,
I tell you all at once,
It sticks so sore,
I may sing no more,
Till I have drunken once.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 01:15 PM

Quietly sipping hoochanoo in the corner, he muttersings songs from his youth to himself, remembering those golden days of yore when the world stretched before him beautous and new, radiant with promise.

"One red one, one white one...."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 12:57 PM

Duck is seen in a corner of the bar nailing up a crooked wooden sign.
It reads :-
You get more for your Squid at the Mudcat Tavern!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 09:00 AM

There was a tapping on the door and a murmering of voices outside. The door opened to reveal a choir of 9 penguins just about to launch into "Why TV's wash their frocks by night" when they were distracted by a passing squid. Thinking it was their supper being provided by the tavern they pounced on it. The squid fought back and managed to escape in a cloud of ink. Some of the more literate penguins took advantage of this to write out their Christmas cards.

Nine penguins carolling.....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: MMario
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 08:28 AM

The Christmas Book of Penguin Carols

yup - that's what it says...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 08:26 AM

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Eight Blazing Banjoes

Seven blue clickies
Six icy anvils
Five pints of ale...
Four rubber duckies
Three geese a laying
The two scalded cats
And a squid jellied in cranberry

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Christmas Tavern too....
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 21 Dec 04 - 08:24 AM

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Six icy anvils
Five pints of ale...
Four rubber duckies
Three geese a laying
The two scalded cats
And a squid jellied in cranberry

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Seven blue clickies