BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column

Subject: Obit: Dave Berry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 09:31 AM

I'm sure there are many here, well maybe 2 or 3, who share my love of Dave Berry's columns. On a personal level they have assisted my spiritual growth, and occasionally inspired a song ("Cowardly Act"). Thus it is with mixed feelings that I read last weekend's terminal column by Dave Berry:

Posted on Sun, Jan. 02, 2005

DAVE BERRY COLUMN OBIT

"There comes a time in the life of every writer when he asks himself -- as Shakespeare, Tolstoy and Hemingway all surely asked themselves -- if he has any booger jokes left in him.

For me, that time has come. I've been trying to entertain newspaper readers since the '60s, when I wrote ''humor'' columns for the Haverford College News. I put ''humor'' in quotation marks because when I go back and read those columns today, I don't get any of the jokes. But at the time, they were a big hit with my readership, which consisted pretty much of my roommates.

After college, I got a job as a reporter at the West Chester, Pa., Daily Local News, where I was also allowed to write humor columns. I thought they were pretty good, but after my third one, an editor took me aside and told me -- this is an absolutely true quote -- ''you used to be funnier.''

That was more than 30 years ago, and since then, hardly a week has gone by during which somebody has not told me that I used to be funnier. I sometimes got discouraged, but I kept at it, year after year, the past 22 of them at The Herald. Why didn't I give up? I'll tell you why: I have no useful skills.

Also, this job has been a lot of fun. Here are just a few of the things that, as a professional humor columnist, I have actually been paid to do:

o I picked up my son, Rob, at his junior high school in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. (Rob, now 24, claims he has forgiven me. Although, to be safe, I'm still in the federal witness protection program.)

o After I wrote a column suggesting that opera might be fatal to humans, I was invited to Eugene, Ore., to participate in the Eugene Opera's performance of the Puccini opera Gianni Schicchi. I played the part of a corpse.

o An Air Force pilot took me for an F-16 fighter-jet ride, during which -- while hurtling through the brilliant-blue sky high above the Straits of Florida at faster than the speed of sound -- I threw up.

o After I made fun of North Dakota, the city of Grand Forks, N.D., invited me up there one January, and, in a deeply moving (also deeply cold) ceremony attended by a crowd of dozens, the mayor of Grand Forks, Mike Brown, dedicated a new sewage-lifting station in my honor. (Mayor Brown's official proclamation very eloquently compared my work to the production of human excrement.)

o I went on the David Letterman show and demonstrated to a nationwide television audience that it was possible to set fire to a pair of hair spray-soaked men's underpants using a Rollerblade Barbie doll. (To my knowledge, Rollerblade Barbie is the only Barbie ever recalled as a fire hazard, although I am not taking credit.)

These were all fun things to write about. But many of my favorite columns were suggested by you readers, an amazingly alert group. If an important news event occurs -- a toilet exploding, for example; or a boat being sunk by a falling cow; or a cow exploding -- I can count on my readers to let me know about it. On the other hand, if I write something that turns out -- despite my relentless fact-checking -- to be inaccurate, such as that Thomas Jefferson invented the atomic bomb, I will receive dozens of letters, often very irate, correcting me. I cherish those letters most of all.

So this is a great job. And yet I'm quitting it, at least for now. I want to stop before I join the horde of people who think I used to be funnier. And I want to work on some other stuff.

So for the next year, I won't be writing regular columns, though I hope to weigh in from time to time if something really important happens, such as a cow exploding in a boat toilet.

At some point in the next year, I hope to figure out whether I want to resume the column. Right now, I truly don't know.

So in case I don't get to say this later: Thanks to all you editors for printing my column, and thanks especially to all you readers for reading it. You've given me the most wonderful career an English major could hope to have. I am very grateful.

And I'm not making that up."

One can only hope that reality will provoke Mr. Berry into further writing.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Obit: Dave Berry Column
From: GUEST,bbc at work
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 11:25 AM

He still makes me chuckle. Thanks for sharing, Charley.

bbc

Subject: RE: Obit: Dave Berry Column
From: Cool Beans
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 01:28 PM

Although he'd probably laugh at the irony, the man's name is Dave Barry. Barry, not Berry.

Subject: RE: Obit: Dave Berry Column
From: Hollowfox
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 01:31 PM

Well, he did warn us about this some months ago. Sir Rudolph Bing was said to advise that people should say "So soon?" instead of "Well, finally!" when you leave the stage.

Subject: RE: Obit: Dave Berry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 02:22 PM

Berry, Barry!

At least he'll be remembered long after the rest of us Mudcatters have blown away as dust.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

---

And those future generations will be able to search for this thread with his name, because I fixed it. --JoeClone

Subject: RE: Obit: Dave Berry Column
From: sixtieschick
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 02:32 PM

Dave Barry also played and sang in a band made up of writers who wanted to live out their rock star fantasies, The Rock Bottom Remainders. He was accompanied by Stephen King on lead guitar, Amy Tan did vocals (she sang a wicked version of "These Boots are Made For Walking" dressed in a dominatrix costume), Barbara Kingsolver on keyboards, and a changing array of band members including Roy Blount, Jr., Robert Fulghum and others. The Remainders did a rendition of "Short Shorts" --written with some involvement by Al Kooper, if I remember correctly--that ended with Barry, King, and all the other males dropping their pants to display wildly printed boxer shorts, forming a line and bunny-hopping off the stage with their pants around their ankles. Just thought I'd mention it, to make this a legit thread in the music section : > )

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 02:46 PM

Berke Breathed came back...Garry Trudeau came back

Bill Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes) didn't...Gary Larson didn't

it's a tossup...

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Jeri
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 02:53 PM

It seems the thread got shifted.

I remember when I was stationed in Korea back in '92-'93. The Stars and Stripes carried his column, and one of them was on the dreaded MRE (Meals, Ready to Eat). I cut it out. Not only was it absolutely hilarious, it was TRUE - every word. They gave us the brown bags of death during every military excercise, and there were a lot of excercises.

I once had a commander who, in a reaction to people whining, complaining and making smart-ass comments about the dehydrated pork pattys. (In 'military', it was 'Pork Patty, Dehydrated') It deserved every bit of ridicule it got. It was a freeze-dried brickette of former meat. You were supposed to add hot water to turn it back into pork. Right. Anyway, as a result of this commander defending the lowly pork puck, he got everyone else's. "Oh sir, you got the chicken a-la king? (King, Chicken A-La) That's terrible, I got a pork patty, and I know how much you like them, so I'll trade." When the poor man left, they gave him a plaque with a bronzed dehydrated pork patty on it.

I cut the article out and put it up on the bulletin board in our office. I'll miss his irreverent humor. Maybe he'll recharge his batteries and make a comeback or go into politics or something.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 04:16 PM

So for the next year, I won't be writing regular columns, though I hope to weigh in from time to time if something really important happens, such as a cow exploding in a boat toilet.

I think that can be arranged. Perhaps we'll give him a little rest while we consider how to set it up.

Of course finding a cow with kamikaze inclinations might be tough and we'd want a willing volunteer; but we can also consider organizing major league slug racing or some other comparably interesting and noteworthy event. Dave was always quite versatile.

Now who do we have here who knows something about boats?

John

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Peace
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 04:19 PM

Tom Clancy referred to Meals Ready to Eat as three lies for the price of one.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: open mike
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 04:46 PM

when we get them on teh fire line we always refer to them as
Meals Rejected By Ethiopians.

and i have seen cloumns/cartoons in a humour magazine/newspaper
by Linda Barry--any relation?

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: tarheel
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 04:57 PM

Dang,i'm sure gonna miss his column too!
i read it every week in our morning paper here!
BTW,does any remember and still have a COPY of the article he POSTED about the LITTLE DRUMMER BOY?...i think it was last year during the Christmas holidays...
it was one of the funniest things i had read in a while and i thought i saved it,but to my disappointment,couldn't find it this holiday season...
and DAVE did not take emails(because he got so many it crashed his puter)so i couldnt even get to him to ask about a copy!
oh well,the price of being Famous!!! no email addy!
anyway,if any of you have a copy of that article,please PM me in here!
thank you ....
tar!

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 05:02 PM

I should acknowledge my personal debt to Mr. BARRY (Thanks, Joe Clone for your correction!), inspiring the composing of "A Cowardly Act." It's a song describing the sad demise of a cow that sings a Japanese fishing trawler. I can also plug my new CD, in the tradition of Mr. BARRY. For a MP3 sample of "A Cowardly Act":Click Here!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 05:05 PM

..."the sad demise of a cow that SINKS a Japanese fishing trawler"...

Arghh!

Charley Ignoble

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 05:21 PM

My favorite Dave Barry quip is about small dogs - I envision Yorkies since I'm a Yorkie Mom. He said they are not really in the dog family but the pillow family.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 05:56 PM

I have been a Dave Barry fan for about 12 years. Anytime I would laughingly mention his name I was always met with blank faces, at which point I would say "You know the Purlitzer prize winning humorist" which usually just pissed off people more. Pithy revenge but I enjoyed it.

When I talked about other greats such as Tom Toles, I was also greeted with blank stares. Print or picture humorists don't have the following of stand up comics or comedic actors.
Sure you remember Gary Trudeau or that guy who did Dilbert but their popularity doesn't measure up to a George Carlin.

Dave Barry is getting close to sixty and still has a daughter in grade school. He was always up to a challenge.

Good luck Dave, I wish you good luck and the stamina to get through the teenage years.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Jeri
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 06:07 PM

He doesn't look anywhere near that old!

MREs were mostly edible. The instant hot chocolate was the best anywhere and the cheese spread was occasionally pretty good. I used to barter for the Chicken a-la King because it was the only entree that seemed to have any vegetables whatsoever - usually about 3 or 4 peas. Obviously, the military was trying to save a lot of money on toilet paper and eliminate time people spent eliminating.

Tarheel: here's your Little Drummer Boy article (at the website of the Holland Sentinal, which I think is a newspaper in Michigan.)

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 06:16 PM

Thanks Jeri, That made me smile.

ACHOO

arrgh the flu sucks but luckily it is only a 3 on a scale of 10.

PS I did a parody on the Little drummer boy; all about drinking too much rum...but I will mercifully spare us all.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Dani
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 10:15 PM

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Dave. Reading his column, I always chuckled, sometimes spit out my coffee, and once, broke down in tears. Anyone remember when he wrote about his son being injured, and how scary it was to think of losing him? My newly minted daughter got extra many hugs and kisses for a long time after that, and I got a lovely note back from Dave in response to my letter thanking him and wishing them well. A unique man of depth and caring carefully concealed beneath his nutball humor.

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: robomatic
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 10:27 PM

Dave Barry went before the National Press Club right after the '92 election and insisted on referring to "The Failed Clinton Administration" and how Bush might have won the election had he not gone to Japan and performed "the ceremonial ralph of friendship". Also that the Constitution should be changed "and I'm not talking about a lot of voting, just with a magic marker" so that Dan Quayle should always be Vice President (but never President).
Barry had the press folk in stitches.

I'm real sorry he's not going to be in 'regular' print.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 05 Jan 05 - 08:39 AM

Maybe we should encourage a "Draft Dave Barry for Florida Governor Campaign." There is little doubt that he'd win in a landslide, but then again "landslides", unlike hurricanes, are unnatural events in Florida. And if Mr. Barry really wants to join the rest of humanity, experience a real life in his declining years, then politics are not where it's at. I withdraw this proposal!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble, who cherishes a personal note of thanks from Mr. Barry for a submission

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: coldjam
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 12:26 AM

Charlie, what did you submit?

I confess a "Dave Barry for President" bumper sticker on my husband's guitar case. Dave Barry was one of the few columnists who could make me laugh outloud, and could use the word booger with panache.(which is NOT a Spanish pancake)

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Peace
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 12:38 AM

I still have a copy of a column he wrote entitled, "How to Make a Board." I read it to my Grade 10s as THE example of what humour should be. They love it.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Kim C
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 11:56 AM

Been a fan for many years. Everybody gets to retire sometime, I reckon.

If you like Dave, you might also like Mary Roach, who now has a regular column in Readers Digest.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 01:23 PM

Coldjam-

What I submitted was a 1997 article about a district judge in Maine who locked himself into his private bathroom in the court house and couldn't get out. I sent him the article, along with my newly composed song entitled "Justice en Lieu." Mr. Barry expressed his appreciation but I don't believe he ever made any use of what I sent him.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: coldjam
Date: 06 Jan 05 - 11:48 PM

Justice in Lieu? Too good!

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: gnu
Date: 07 Jan 05 - 02:12 PM

Damn !!! (I am not making this up.) Damn !!!

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 Jan 05 - 06:22 PM

Coldjam-

It's hard to find the thread with the lyrics to "Justice en Lieu." Here's a direct line:Click here!

And be patience!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: RangerSteve
Date: 07 Jan 05 - 07:51 PM

Did anyone else here vote in Dave's "worst pop song" contest?

The winners (or losers, maybe) were "Macarthur Park", "You're Having My Baby" and "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy".

I voted for MacArthur Park, one of the few times when my candidate won.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: coldjam
Date: 08 Jan 05 - 01:03 AM

Charley Noble, what a great song!Kudos!
JAM

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 08 Jan 05 - 04:48 PM

Thanks, Cooljam! You've inspired me to post "Justice en Lieu" as an Add Lyrics thread so regular mortals might find it. Goes nice with concertina back-up.

Sadly, there is no Dave Barry column today. It's all true!

Any thoughts on how he's spending his time?

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: gnu
Date: 09 Jan 05 - 01:04 PM

Third last para in his last column said he might resume the column within the next year or, at least, figure out if he will resume the column. I assume in the meantime he will drink copious quantities of beer and reflect.

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: Charley Noble
Date: 09 Jan 05 - 05:04 PM

Yes, I guess the best we can do is let him mellow, reflect on his past glories, and if something really interesting happens in the world alert him.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Obit - Dave Barry Column
From: gnu
Date: 09 Jan 05 - 10:39 PM

He also said he would weigh in if a cow exploded in a boat toilet.