BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital

Subject: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 11:45 AM

Well the NHS must be trying to clear their waiting lists in London with Liz having surgery last week and me this coming week. The hospital phoned me and gave me a date for the operation to break and re-set my left leg (I had the right leg done last year) which they are going to do on Wednesday so I am being admitted on Tuesday.

Im getting quite nervous because I know what's going to happen and what the recovery is like. I don't know what's worse...not knowing or knowing. Oh well! I won't be able log on to mudcat for about a week but Micca can print the thread off and bring it in to cheer me up.....it gets VERY boring in hospital when the only thing to amuse you is the control to make the bed go up, bed go down!

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: artbrooks
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 11:49 AM

Take care, and remember that your MudCat buddies are all cheering for you. "See" you soon.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: sian, west wales
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 11:56 AM

It'll be over before you know it, and think of all that handfasting planning you can get done! (Do some hospitals have Internet access?)

So, if Micca's going to be printing stuff off I guess it's up to us to go forth and seek jokes ... Hmmmm. OK - this one got sent to me by a fairly senior civil servant yesterday afternoon, which goes to show that it ain't just us low-paid lowlifes that goof off at the end of the day:

On Saturday morning I got up early.

I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went.

Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Straightaway, I returned to the garage.

I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

*****************

I'll probably be able to do better by time you're in sick bay.

All the best

siân

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Amos
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:04 PM

Dear Gawd, Phid!! What a strange adventure you and your loverly legs are having, eh? Just remember there are some things that should never be turned over to automatic devices, and "bed go up, bed go down" is surely one of them.

At least you will now be the proud possessor of a perfectly matched pair. Better let them know about this benefit in case they are too bunged up by the treatment to care why it was a good idea!! I have often found body parts get resentful if they are not properly communicated to about what is happening.

Why not get your phiddle delivered to the hospital and practice all day? It will guarantee you a private room!!

Much love,


Amos

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: MBSLynne
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:09 PM

Lol Sian!

I'll be thinking of you Khatt! Get better soon

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:09 PM

Hope you kept you decorated walking stick from last time, or are walking sticks/elbow crutches 'handed'? A bed that goes up and down is no fun on your own is it?
Hope all goes swimmingly.
Giok (¦¬]>:::

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Leadfingers
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:16 PM

My Lady Catherine (Already in the mood for tonights Medieval) At least you ought to be fit for Portaferry NEXT year - We will have a Glass Of The Dark Stuff for you any way !! All The best with the Op and IF I can think of a suitable off colour joke I will post it later ! I can get a lot lower than Sian , thats for sure !!

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: freightdawg
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:23 PM

Break your leg??

Ouch.

Wishing you all the best.

Freightdawg

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:31 PM

Murphy and O'Brian are sound asleep when the phone rings. Its the coroner asking them both to come down to the morgue and identify the body of their good friend Clancy.

They both go down and the coroner explains that Clancy was burned up in a fire and they need a close friend to identify the body. Murphy and O'Brian are taken in and see a blackened corpse lying on the table face up. They study the face but are unable to identify the body.

"Turn him over," says Murphy. "Yes," states O'Brian, "You must turn the body over." So the coroner rotates the body and places it face down on the platform. Immediately, Murphy and O'Brian take one look at the corpse's rear end and state emphatically, "Nope, thank the Lord, that is definitely not Clancy." They are quite elated.

So the coroner asks them how in the world they can tell for certain that the corpse is not Clancy? Murphy states simply that this body only has one arsehole, and everyone knows that Clancy has two. At this statement the coroner is quite baffled. "Two arseholes?" he asks, "Nobody has two arseholes."

Murphy and O'Brian say, "Why everyone in town knows that Clancy has two arseholes. Whenever the three of us are walking down the road, people all over town will say, 'There goes Clancy with them two arseholes."

I've always found death humor to be most appreciated in hospitals.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Khatt.

Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: karen k
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:36 PM

I hope everything goes as planned. I'm sure it will. Relax and enjoy the justified loafing. Hello to Micca. Hope to see you at a Getaway sometine soon.

karen

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Polly Squeezebox
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 01:35 PM

Whilst you're in hospital watch out for the curry:

An indian was so happy because he felt certain he had won the lottery, when he checked it properly he found he had looked at the wrong week's ticket and had won nothing. He got so depressed he overdosed - injected himself with 100% curry powder. They did manage to resuscitate him - but he spent the next fortnight in hospital in a korma!

Hope everything goes well for you and you are soon out and recovered.
Love, light and laughter.

Polly

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: freda underhill
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 01:44 PM

hi Catsphiddle

i hope it goes well for you, and that the recovery time is okay. Allmy best wishes

freda

ps

A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."

The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."

The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."

The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"

The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."

The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 01:46 PM

Oooohhh - that sounds PAINFUL! Get well soon. Sending pos vibes.

Blesséd be

Rhiannon

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: MudGuard
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 02:08 PM

Good Luck!
Or, as we would say it in German: Hals- und Beinbruch! *)





























*) Hals- und Beinbruch:
Hals = neck
und = and
Bein = leg
bruch = break (fracture) **)




























**) the word "bruch" is in that case derived from the original Jewish word "baruch" which means "blessing"

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 02:17 PM

Hey, Cat, that little black bear that hopped into your Santa box would love to go to the hospital with you!

Take care, be patient, and get well soon!

Maggie (SRS)

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Raedwulf
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 02:50 PM

Lead - when it comes to getting lower, you start with an inborn advantage! (And I'm not referring to the fact that you're a shortarse! :p ;-) )

Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson motorcycle corp. died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with god."

St. Peter took him to the throne room and introduced him to god. Arthur then asked god, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well", said Arthur, "professional designer to professional designer, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

First – there's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

Second - it chatters constantly at high speeds.

Third - most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

Fourth - the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

Lastly - the maintenance costs are outrageous."

God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and god read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers more men are riding my invention than yours!"

Amos - You've obviously never met Cat, or you wouldn't use the word "loverly" (sic) to describe any part of her.








She better'n dat! :)






Hugs 'n' best, dear. Which hurspittle? I may come down & bore the pants off you {Evil Grin}!

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: fat B****rd
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 03:32 PM

Good luck and I trust you'll be dancing soon.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 04:05 PM

Thank you for your good thoughts.

Raedwulf....Im going into Newham General in Plasitow, I will know the ward on Tuesday and will post details then, if you are in the area pop in and say hi!

SRS....the bear will be coming with me

Keep the jokes coming!!

Love
Khatt

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Raedwulf
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 04:20 PM

Well, since you asked...

Beer Vs. female part debate.

A beer is always wet. A female part needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A female part tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Female part.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold female part makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Female part does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming female part, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Female part

24 beers come in a box. A female part is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Female part.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Female part.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like female part, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Female part

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much female part and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a female part in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Female part

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells female part on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Female part

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Female part can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Female part

If you think all day about the next female part you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Female part

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of female part is more fun.
Advantage: Female part.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a female part at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a female part, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best female part you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Female part.

The worst female part you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad female part: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good female part: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Female part.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Female part.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Female part.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: lady penelope
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 05:33 PM

So we're back to bath chairs on hyperdrive huh?   Lots of hugs

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cat}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

And give us a yell if you need anything......

A man is lying on his death bed, just whiling away the moments till he dies. Suddenly he can smell fresh cookie dough baking. It smells just like his favourites - double choc chip. "How thoughtful" thinks the man, "My wife is trying to ease my way by baking me my favourite cookies, what a wonderful woman".

And with that, he decides that he'll make one last effort to go and eat some cookies and tell his wife how much he loves her and to thank her for all the wonderful things she's done in their lives together.

He manages to totter a few steps to the bedroom door, but it's too much and sinks to the floor. "No matter" he thinks, "I will get there however I can, it will be worth it". So he grits his teeth and starts to crawl..........

Than man is now dragging himself across the floor, as his legs have completely given out, but the smell of those wonderous cookies drives him on. They have become his last challenge and he now refuses to give up. He makes it into the kitchen and spots the cookies sitting on a cooling rack, just at the edge of the table.

With one last super human effort he reaches up for his prize............

"Don't touch them!" says his wife "They're for the funeral!"


TTFN Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: GUEST,Cretinous Yahoo
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 06:35 PM

An elderly couple sat through two showings of a porn movie. When the lights came on, the usher said to the woman, "You must have liked that film" she said "It was disgusting." he said "Then why did you sit through two showings"? she said "We had to wait for the lights to come on, we couldn't find my knickers, and his teeth were in them."

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Joybell
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 06:55 PM

Best wishes, Khatt, Thinking of you. Love and Cheers, Joy

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 09:06 PM

http://img9.exs.cx/img9/6039/fatcat6uy.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Kaleea
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 01:17 AM

cat-
Best of luck to you! & now for a true--but not scary--hospital anecdote. I recently visited a friend who was in the hospital. I took with me the toy versions of Dr. "Bones" McCoy's Star Trek medical tricorder & examining equipment. Then I went there, sat & waited. Sure enough, the Dr. & a couple residents came around to examine her. Just as they were finishing, I pulled out my medical "equipment" and began to examine her. They were all about to fall on the floor laughing as I informed them that I concurred with their diagnosis. Then the lady in the next bed called out "Well, do me too!" The Dr. had a fine time borrowing my medical tools to examine her, then proceeded to show it off to the staff. Let me know if your Dr. needs any help with the diagnosis!
    Healing energies from all 'catters will be enveloping you next week!   
            Kaleea

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 12:31 PM

These jokes are excellent...they have really cheered me up.

I have bought my new pj's and night shirt for the hospital...just need to get a pair of slippers and I will be ready for Tuesday...well as ready as I will ever be!

Karen....Micca and I will be at the Getaway this year (I have already booked time off work!). We are postponing our honeymoon until October so we can have our honeymoon in the USA at the Getaway...what better way to celebrate than with friends and music and song!?!

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Amos
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 12:44 PM

Donuel:

Talk about a weighty matter!!What are you trying to say??

A

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Cobble
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 01:07 PM

Good luck from us two, love and light on it's way.

                   Cobble and Mrs C.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 01:34 PM

I'm useless at jokes so I'll just wish you well soon!
love from us all
Jane and Geoff
xx

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Áine
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 02:00 PM

Here's hoping that everything goes well next week (for both of you!). Take care of each other - healing thoughts will be eminating (sp?) from Texas and coming your way (watch out, they tend to be very spicy!) ;-)

Love to you both, Áine

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 04:19 PM

mmmm spicey! Micca, Liz the Squeak, Manitas, Limpit, Col K and I have just got back from an excellent Indian meal.....Im eating as much as I can before Tuesday because the hospital food is crap....anyone that comes to see me...please bring food!!!

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 04:27 PM

She ain't kidding - I lost 6lbs there last time I stayed, and that was only for 24hours!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 06:50 PM

I can't tell a joke, Miss Phiddle. Sorry. But I will think of you and light a candle for a quick recovery. Tell Micca to stop calling when I am in the shower. I get to the phone, cold, wet and soapy, and there's nothing but a message!

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Leadfingers
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 08:01 PM

I did promise a joke Cats - try this one !!

   All the young recruits were standing in line , naked for the M O to check them out !! Lad reaches front of line and Doc says " Good Lord ! I think you must be the best endowed young soldier i have ever seen !!" Recruit stammers " Thank you Sir "
    Doc then says "Just as a matter of interest , how big is it when it's erect?"
    Recruit stammers a bit more and says " Sorry sir , I dont know!"
    Doc says "You Dont Know ?? You mean you've never had an erection at your age?"
    Recruit replies " Well there's only enough blood for one of us , and when HE comes up , I Black Out!"

    Be Good and do what the nurses say!! Sometimes they DO know what they are talking about !

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 08:54 PM

Good luck Cat. Cant be good getting snap crackle n popped. I hope it goes well for you

freda

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: GUEST,Partridge
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 05:45 AM

Best of Luck Cat, will be thinking of you.

Pat x

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: pixieofdoom
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 06:18 AM

Best of luck Khatt. We'll be thinking of you and will come and visit if possible. Will bring chocolate and possibly even your Christmas present!

lots of love
Fiona xx

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: GUEST,KingBrilliant
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 07:30 AM

Will be thinking of you catsP. Best wishes for a quick and comfortable recovery.


Kris

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 07:33 AM

Lots of light and love flowing your way, dear Khatt!

When I can think of some jokes, I'll send them along!

Love,

Allison

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Essex Girl
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 08:39 AM

Hope all goes well Cat, hope you're not laid up for too long
Linda

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 12:14 PM

ooo I like presnts!! Hopefully Morti will be bringing your xmas presents back with her!...better late than never!!

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 03:20 PM

All the very best Cats.

Luv

Rhiannon

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: My guru always said
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 05:37 PM

Positive thoughts Khatt Dear, will be thinking of you,
Hil

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Bassic
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 05:41 PM

Best wishes XX

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 07:08 PM

All the best Cats, maybe invite a few local catters in for a session using the bed pans (empty of course) as bodhrans and the pee bottles filled to different levels as a glockenpeel.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: jacqui.c
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 09:25 PM

Best of luck my love - we'll be thinking of you.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 09:39 AM

Legoland Windsor

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Gillie
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 10:31 AM

Good luck {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kat}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Gillie

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: black walnut
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 10:49 AM

Oh, what a horror, PHiddle! I just finished sending hugs to Liz and then came across this thread of yours. My my my my my. I have great memories of you walking with me, and my girlchild. WALK again, my dear cat, very very soon. Across the ocean I send you visions of horses and castles and coffeeshops and Virgin record aisles and clothes stores and stuffy undergrounds and eating sandwiches on the sidewalk and eating Liz' trifle!

Many hugs,

~b.w.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 10:57 AM

Thank you Black Walnut for those wonderful images and memories!

Well I have just had a call from the hospital I am to go in at 6pm today and I will be on Silvertown ward of Newham General....although I could be moved so Micca will keep you all posted!

Thank you for all the support, wonderful jokes and images.

Subject: RE: BS: catsPHiddle going into Hospital
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 11:09 AM

We're praying for you and pulling for you to have a GREAT experience, Khatt.

~Susan