BS: I found out today...........

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: GUEST,not confused, but very frustrated
Date: 10 May 05 - 09:15 AM

I'd call that passive-aggressive behaviour. Your partner wants you to give up and keep your mouth shut.

Believe it or not, I am going through something similar with my partner even as we speak. He has passive-aggressive down to a fine art. He does a lot of tinkering, and bits of wood, plastic, wire, paint and glue end up all over the house. I've asked him several times to at least keep a bench in our rather small kitchen clear. Every time, he appears to make the effort for a few days, then things start sneaking back, in a small way at first, then back to being as bad as it ever was. I made the "mistake" of bringing it up again tonight, and now he's gone off to his room acting offended and insulted, like it's all my fault for mentioning it. I know if I pursue it further, it will end up in a full-on row, and according to him it will be all my fault.

I've noticed that when he is building up resentment about something (no doubt he is doing that right now), he does the things that he knows annoy me, even more. Of course he would deny it, but there definitely is a pattern. Eventually when I feel moved to say something, all his pent up anger and resentment comes spilling out and I realise that he has set me up. So my choice always is to give up and let him have his way, or risk hostility and resentment and a shouting match. Not much of a choice.

So I ask myself, should I keep my mouth shut? Hell no! I'll walk away when it gets bad, but I won't be silenced. I have a right to ask for what I want. What I have found out is that keeping things in is not good for me - I recently found out my blood pressure is up and I'm pretty sure this stuff must be a contributing factor. I'm not prepared to live my life with my mouth shut. Life's too short to have to tiptoe around and watch what I say. I'm taking care of me from now on.

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: Crystal
Date: 10 May 05 - 10:38 AM

I found out today that people think I write a good dance program!

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: GUEST
Date: 10 May 05 - 11:55 AM

I found out today that our Teddy's Teddy MacDuff has torn the doggie door from its hinges because he still refuses to acknowledge that he has a large funnel on his head. He was given the knickname "Crash" when we first got him, because it seemed to sum up his philosophy of life and thus far has lived up to his nickname.

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: GUEST
Date: 10 May 05 - 11:56 AM

oops...Metchosin's MacDuff

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: Kim C
Date: 10 May 05 - 12:39 PM

Guest, Not Confused, it may not be that your mate is passive-aggressive as much as he might be extremely right-brained and therefore challenged in the Organization department. I am that way. I can clean up for awhile, but things go back to Piles of Crap in a very short time. It's not because I'm trying to annoy my husband, or because I'm resentful of him in anyway --- it's simply because neatness isn't one of my skills. I have to have everything out where I can see it, or I'll forget it's there. (Several bags of vegetables have gone soggy because they were put in the crisper drawer, out of plain sight.)

I just read a great book called Organization for the Creative Person. See if your library has it, and bring it home for your husband to read. I found it very helpful, and I read parts of it to my husband as I went along.

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: GUEST,not confused, but very frustrated
Date: 10 May 05 - 01:59 PM

Kim C, you are definitely right about his lack of organisation. I accept that part. There are lots of places where he can spread his stuff. As well as the dining room table and all over the place outside, and bits in other places, he has a whole room in which to do his thing, and I don't interfere. He actually asked me once to help him get it organised and I did, but it soon got chaotic again. He loses things in the piles and gets frustrated himself sometimes. I try to rescue important things like bills out of the mess so they won't be forgotten, and he's happy that I do that, but otherwise I try to turn a blind eye.

All I asked was that he do the messy stuff in his hobby room, and keep the kitchen bench clear - it's only a little kitchen and I need the space. The paint and glue is leaving marks on the surface too. He agreed the first time I asked him, but then a few days later, he used it again - sounding apologetic and coming up with some reason why he wanted to do it there (eg, it was near the kettle). He knows I don't want him to do it, but it keeps happening, and he always acts like a naughty boy being scolded. I hate being cast into the role of nagging parent - I'm mostly very easy going - I would just like to have some places in the house that are not chaotic. I have to live there too. I need the kitchen to be a kitchen. I don't think that's too much to ask.

It's not like the stuff is spilling over into the kitchen. It is nowhere near his hobby room, so when he keeps making a deliberate choice to use that area knowing how I feel about it, it feels like he just doesn't seem to care that it's important to me. I have tried to tell him these things, but he immediately gets defensive and says I am attacking him, no matter how carefully I have expressed myself. It just feels like I have to constantly walk on eggshells to ask for anything I want, because he assumes I am saying he is incompetent. Yes he is messy, but far from incompetent. I'm not exactly a neatness freak myself, but I try to confine my mess to my own little corners.

It seems that he has his own demons to deal with - he is a good man in lots of ways, generous and a very creative person, but this is threatening to overwhelm all the good bits, and finding out that my blood pressure was up was a real wake up call. I do need to look after myself. I can't afford to be stewing over stupid arguments and worrying whether I am going to use the right words that he won't take offence at. If I suggested counselling, he would take it as a criticism of him - I can't say anything at all that even suggests vaguely that anything might be wrong.

Sorry for the rant. Had to put it somewhere. I'm a regular mudcatter but thought I should remain anonymous for this.

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: Kim C
Date: 10 May 05 - 03:41 PM

Maybe you could get a copy of that book and just leave it casually lying around. ;-)

And what if you finagled it so that counseling sounded like HIS own idea, and not yours?

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: GUEST,not confused, but very frustrated
Date: 10 May 05 - 10:46 PM

Well Kim, the book sounds interesting, although it's entirely possible that he might take offence at that too, given his sensitivity to almost anything about him. I'm not sure he'd believe me if I said it was for me either - he's not stupid (although he accuses me of thinking he is).

As for the counsellor, that could be equally tricky. Obviously worth some thought though.

Subject: RE: BS: I found out today...........
From: jpk
Date: 24 May 05 - 05:13 PM

go'ing back to 4may on the pay issue,stop looking at group vs group and start looking at some one on one examples.to often stat's can be turned this way and that to prove whatever point a group or person wishes to make.polls happen to be the same way.as a local example,i can think of to wallpaper hangers one m,one f,the woman makes a hell of alot more than the guy[in fact more than most every other paper hanger around here"except the lawyers"],simply because she is the best at it around here.be willing to bet that as a group male paper hangers make more than females through.