BS: Shane arrested again!

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 28 Aug 05 - 01:09 PM

Dale here. I just got a call from Del. I bin workin so hard I ain't in the know bout nuthin man. And when I ain't bin working, I bin workin even harder. Get it? Harder, eh? Member I told ya bout my new love? Anyway, man, that is a friggin bummer bout Shane. If you will let me know where he is, I will send my old Playboy mags ta him. Without the senter folds, of course, on accounta they got all the jokes on the back, right. I will gladly give em all ta Shane cuz I won't be needin ta run big red on manual no more on accounta I got me a real good woman now. I got him on full auto from now on. We even set a date. September 20, on accounta huntin seeson is closed from September 20 to September 30, unless ya get a moose license. Of course, fishin seeson is still open, but fishin is somethin ya do when ya can't go huntin right? So, like, we even talked names and she wants to name the first one June, if it's a girl, fer obveeus reesons, and Dale if it's a boy, but I won't go into that, until the 20th! Get it? We are gonna have our hornymoon up ta the camp. She is up there now splittin wood fer the cosy nites by the fire. Man, she is a pole cat with the axe. Get it? POLE cat with an AXE? I should write these down, man. She don't even have ta pile. When she connects, the sticks fly so far, she's got two piles when she's done. I can't wait fer her ta carry me across the thresh hole. I am head over heels... most nights. Get it? Okay, so, like, you let me know where Shane is to and I'll fill a coupla boxes with playboys and send em as long as he can pay COD, on accounta part of my wages are now garansheed ta go to hosebitch, so I haven't got much ta spare. Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you about that there part of yer pay what's suppose ta be proper for a wedding ring. Is it three or four weeks pay? Frig man, I gotta git cause I was suppose to call my cousin Dwayne and tell him ta be at Del's bail hearing tomorrow. Take it easy, but take it eh. Later eh.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: GUEST,Don the Man
Date: 28 Aug 05 - 01:26 PM

Way to go, Dale. I will pass the good news on to Shane. I am gonna gas up the pickup and go check out this place where they took him. It's north of here about 40 miles, eh? Somewhere in the flippin' bush. And I don't mean THAT kinda bush, eh? Nope. No such luck! I mean the kind that's fulla moskeetos and black bears, eh? Hang onto those Playboys, man, cos Shane don't have no money right now and I am strapped. I got rent to pay here. Bernice won't lend me no more right now cos she hasta get streaks put in her hair, eh? I tell her don't bother, but she figgers she has got to have them streaks and that's all there is to it. She has ambitions to become a major wet T-shirt star and go where the action is: Sudbury. I tell her I got enuff action right here, and it's true, but she has got stars in her flippin' eyes, eh? Well, I wish her luck. There are plently more fish in the swamp.

- Don the Man

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 29 Aug 05 - 09:37 AM

Gnu here. Dale has lucked in and Del has lucked out. Dwayne just called to tell me that there will be no bail for Del due to his recordssss. And there doesn't seem like much hope of beating the rap. His "original auto parts" business was a little too "original" when he tried to sell the rear doors of an RCMP cruiser to Cpl. Daylia. I don't think we'll be hearing much from either of them for a while.

BTW, if anyone wants to send anything to Dale and Daisy-June for a wedding gift, they are registered at the Irving in Chipman.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Aug 05 - 12:31 PM

Molson-suckers, every damned one of yez.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 30 Aug 05 - 02:13 PM

Molson? Eeeewwwwwwwwww. Down here, in Lowly Canada, we drink our locally produced beers, Moosehead and Alpine, and Kieth's, and such, and Bud, on accounta Bud gives a nickel on every beer to the NRA... that stands fer National Rednecks Association, right?

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Aug 05 - 05:37 PM

Moosehead's okay, Kieth's is okay, and Alpine's okay. But none of the three is really outstanding, just drinkable.

Budweiser tastes like what the dog left on the hydrant two or three days back. Lite tastes the same, only like it was flushed first.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Aug 05 - 07:38 PM

I see you guys really know your beer, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 30 Aug 05 - 11:17 PM

What I want to know is how Rapaire knows what Bud tastes like.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 05:48 AM

Moosehead and Alpine won gold in Belgium this year. Alpine won gold in New York this year. Apparently, someone thinks they ain't so bad. Namely, the judges at the two most recognized taste competitions in the world. And, of course, Wade, the Beer Bandit.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Aug 05 - 03:57 PM

I used to drink Budweiser, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Coors, Old Milwaukee, Lucky Lager, Stag, Keystone, Schlitz, and so on and so on. Then my tastes matured. I know what Bud tastes like in the same way that someone says "This tastes like shit!" and you know right away what it tastes like. Sort of a Universal Unconscious Taste Bud or something.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Sep 05 - 02:23 PM

This is going to shock you guys, but I don't even like beer. I never drink it. The last time I had just half a bottle of the stuff I felt decidedly the worse for it. Beer is worthless rotgut, in my opinion. It should be used as engine coolant or something, but it's not even any good for that.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: GUEST,Blotto in Beaverton
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 01:01 AM

I jus' knew you wuz a big fag, Little Cawk.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 12:48 PM

Yeah? Well, here's my suggestion to you, Beaverton. Gather up your feeble wits, put them in a thimble, and mail it to Schenectady. They need more fertilizer there.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Sep 05 - 09:15 PM

Beer League!

Hilarious video and concept. Vote to get it on TV. Looks to be better than Trailer Park Boys.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 02:04 PM

gnu here. Dale and Daisy-June had a wonderful wedding. All of the guys were dressed up in black bow-ties and Hunter's Orange vests, and all of the women were wearing dresses designed by my half-French and half-Irish cousin Camille O'Flage. (He's the guy that is suing Mossy Oak and Remington over them ripping off his clothing design that he trademarked "Cam'O'flage".)

The new in-laws bought the happy couple a Mini-Home seized by the RCMP in a grow-op and they are looking around for a piece of crown land to squat it on.

Even cousin Del was there, on a day release, pending sentencing. But he didn't stay long. He and Cpl. Daylia just disappeared. But, he gave the newlyweds a wicked wild wedding present. Two Lincoln Town Cars for ta use as greenhouses and garbage boxes. No motors or gas tanks... just perfect for plantin flowers early and keepin garbage til pickup so's the ravens and coons can't get pickin. They will look nice on either side of the driveway.

I got them a 175 watt yard light at Princess Auto. High pressure sodium so's it's really energy efficient, which is most important, on accounta, if they can find a new spot to put the trailer and get it installed and hooked up just as the new power rates come in, the neighbours will never notice the diffrence in their power bill.

And, they got a raft of mason jars from far and wide. Boxes and boxes of em. And, then, a huge big pot. Of course, the surprise was spoiled at that point cause they pretty much knew what was coming next... a half dozen chits fer a moose. They will be so busy bottlin moose, I don't know when they will have time for anything else! Although, Dale, in his toast to his bride, eloquently alluded to the fact that the women folk had better plan for a spring baby shower. Father was blushing and salivating at the same time.

Anyway, That's a snippet of all the news from Kent County. I hope we get to hear from Shane and Don soon. If the lads are not too wrapped up in their girlfriends to post... nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh, eh?

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Peace
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 02:23 PM

I have never drunk beer and I never will. But a friend did and he told me all about it. Bud tastes like piss. Infected piss from someone with the pox. That's what he told me.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 02:27 PM

Yup. It'll get ya pissed all right.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 02:38 PM

That's right. Beer is a seriously bad tasting drink that isn't any good for you. I can live with it. I feel much the same about coffee, but beer is worse.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 02:41 PM

Whale oil beef hooked.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 03:02 PM

Also, there are better things that one can spend one's time doing than watching hockey.

About 512,000 better things...

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 03:04 PM

Nay... only one!! Playing hockey!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Peace
Date: 01 Oct 05 - 06:48 PM

I played hookey lots when I was a student.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 15 Nov 05 - 04:50 PM

I was up ta the camp on the weekend and met Dale way back. He was chasin a Christmas buck. You know, one a them bucks what got Christmas trees fer antlers. Big bugger he is. Anyway, come ta find out, after I left the weddin, didn't the BIG surprise weddin present arrive - a snowblower!!! 13 horsepower, 36" cut!!! Man o man!!! What with a long driveway and a skatin rink fer the little ones, Dale will be able to bury a bunch a moose in snowbanks this year. Gonna need to, unfortunately. An uncle passed and his brother Johnny broke his back in an accident, so Dale will be supplyin the winter's meat for two more families.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River
Date: 15 Nov 05 - 05:14 PM

No WAY, man! That is great! Hey, I am outta the slamer and things are lookin' up, eh? I am in a, like, new place here with a real TV and a flippin' DVD player too, eh? Totally decent! I am not talkin' to my idiot brother Don cos he, like, offended me majerly and he is a total looser. He shoulda kept his bigh mouth shut but he hadda go and make aspershists remarks about the woman I love. He is dead meat. I am glad I don't like downwind from him, know what I am sayin'?

How goes the marriagne? Okay I hope. I ain't married yet but I am thinkin' about it. I do not know if bein' married would loose me a lot of my female fans and they are inportant becoz I am still writin' a weekly column, eh? YOu cant' aford to loose yer, like, clonstuteuncy by makin' the wrong move.

Look what happend to Bruce Sprinsteen, fer example. He shuolda stayed single. And it didn't do Michail Jackson no good neither. Of coarse, nothin' would flippin' do that idiot any good. He is flipped right up to the gills.

- Shane

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 10:00 AM

What a night we had last night! I put up a big crowd from Kent County as they were all here in Moncton to do their Christmas shopping at Canadian Tire.

Daisy-June is looking radiant… with twins!! Dale was strutting around like an old birch partridge. Everything is going well with them, except that there hasn't been enough snow to bury a suirrel. Not even one mason jar got used yet but you can bet the pot will be on full boil by dawn. Most of the lads will going to Midnight Moose tonight. Won't be a warden for miles. Plus, it's suppose to snow tonight, so they won't even have to brush their tracks. Canadian Tire is all out of Dirty Thirty Ammo and D-cell batteries.

Del served one third of his six months and has house arrest for the next two months. Then he's back on parole. He can only go out to the Community College where he is studying auto mechanics as part of his rehabilitation. He is specializing in electrical systems. In his spare time, he is working in his garage, where he mostly customizes jeeps and trucks with jacked-up suspensions and high powered lights and such. There's a big demand for that kind of work around here. He and Cpl. Daylia are still seeing each other, when they can, but she's gotta keep it hush-hush until his latest debt to society is repaid. I guess the RCMP frown on consorting of that sort.

Dale's brother Johnny is still in a full body cast. The insurance company has been ordered to pay for his old truck that burned, his new truck that was rolled after being stolen, his medical bills and his lost "wages". EI cancelled his claim because he is not available for work. Of course, the judge allowed the insurance company to reserve the right to sue Johnny, who they accuse of rolling the new truck while under the influence of alcohol and filing a false theft report. Can you believe that? I mean, if he had done it, imagine how drunk he'd have to be to have four crushed vertebra and a cracked pelvis and wait until the next morning to report a stolen vehicle.

Okay. I gotta git. Can't wait to hear from you, Shane, Don. The lads have been asking after youse.

Merry Ho Ho.

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 05 - 07:47 PM

Why you want to hear from the Molson-drinker?

Subject: RE: BS: Shane arrested again!
From: gnu
Date: 26 Dec 05 - 12:19 PM

It's a Canuck thing. Hosers in arms eh.