Cleaning the Internet

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 04:27 PM

Is the internet like Elizabeth I, said to have a bath once a year whether she needed it or not?

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: NH Dave
Date: 29 Mar 06 - 01:08 AM

My sister-in-law, who does appreciate the odd joke or two - Hey, she married my brother(!) added this bit: Probably be a good idea to also cover the hard drive with a plastic bag to prevent all the dust blowing out into the room from the back vents during the cleaning out process!

Of course this reminded me of something we'd do to terribly stuffy Colonels we didn't much like.

One technician would come into the officer's office and inform him that the telephone lines needed blowing out, as they were getting very noisy. He'd note that he was short handed that day, and ask if the Colonel would mind helping him out, or else the job couldn't be completed until the next week, and the quality of the line would continue to deteriorate. He told the Colonel - or any other disliked mark - to hold the phone handset in one hand, and blow down the mouthpiece, while he went out to the pole with a dust bag, to keep the dust and small animals from making a mess of the green grass, and all. He'd tell the Colonel that he'd know when he'd done a good job because he'd hear the repairman's voice coming back through the receiver/earpiece.

So here we have the Colonel blowing mightily down the mouthpiece as if his life depended on it, and every now and then shouting down the line to see if he as getting anywhere.

Of course no one in his office dared say anything to give the joke away for fear of being accused of being "in" on the joke.

This was something that should only be tried when one is very close to leaving a basae for good, as many stuffy Colonels have very good memories for faces.

Dave

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: bobad
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 05:12 PM

Uh oh!

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 05:02 PM

bobad...just wait there until you get further instructions. When all is clear, and cleaning is finished, you will get a message on your model EOU-10²⁹ portable recall machine....(you did bring it, didn't you?)

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 04:55 PM

I am sorry but I am forced to decline to participate in this cleaning. If I disconnected all the things recommended, I would be so "out of touch" people in my area would mistake me for a Southern Baptist, and I don't have time to attend all the revivals.

John

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: autolycus
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 04:08 PM

Let's hope no-one downloads the internet beforehand and refuses to give it back.

Ivor

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: bobad
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 03:14 PM

OK Bill, I did what you said, now what?

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 03:01 PM

For those living in Northern Hemisphere areas where Daylight Saving time will go into effect this weekend, Internet cleaning has been rescheduled to take place between the hours of 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM on Sunday, April 2.

From the standpoint of user inconvenience, this time period has been calculated to be optimal since it coincides with the change from Standard to Daylight time and will, therefore, be nonexistent.

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Emma B
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 02:11 PM

Ooooops! - me too :)

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 02:08 PM

oh, Ebbie...I hope you didn't really do that! Please tell me you didn't//☺

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Ebbie
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 01:53 PM

Bill, I suspect that I don't have enough time left to download the backup, so I'll never know if it is a good idea.

(By the way, I had to go offline in order to get out of it.)

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 01:46 PM

Hey, if you just leave it unterminated, all the bits will come out. Just have a bitbucket handy, or put a cable to the drain...

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Kaleea
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 01:43 PM

Is this the famous "Internet Bidet" I've heard so much about?

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 12:03 PM

Seems like a lot of trouble to me when you could accomplish the same effect by just having the Internet sit on this.

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: MMario
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 11:53 AM

I just hope the don't use the internet laxitive again to flush the system. spoiled data all over the place last time.

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 11:52 AM

but be sure to make a backup first!

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Ebbie
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 11:44 AM

Oh yes, Emma B. Separately negotiated, of course, but they are very thorough and well worth the price. Just nail down anything you don't want thrown out.

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Emma B
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 10:45 AM

Will they clean the house too?

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Sooz
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 10:38 AM

Yes, but not at the same time!

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: gnomad
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 09:45 AM

To hear is to obey, Master.

Will it be OK to go on using the electric food mixer and the leopard-skin thong?

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: GUEST,Scooby
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 09:38 AM

Happy April Fools day

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 09:36 AM

Yeah, I'll get started on it right away....

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 09:35 AM

,,, from one fool to another...

Subject: RE: Cleaning the Internet
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 09:33 AM

And a happy April Fool's Day to you.

Subject: Cleaning the Internet
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Mar 06 - 09:29 AM

Cleaning the Internet
Saturday April 1, 2006
12:00 am - 1:00 am

PLEASE PASS THIS NOTICE TO OTHER USERS WHO MAY NOT SEE IT!

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.
GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2. During that
24-hour period, five very powerful Japanese built multi-lingual
Internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the
world will search the Internet and delete any data that they
find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that
you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their
Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the
Internet

3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to
the Internet

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any
way

5. Avoid placing operating microwave ovens or toaster/toaster
ovens near your computer modem

6. Avoid wearing nylon (or other dielectric fiber) undergarments
because of the possibility of electrical discharge.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some
Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that
any inconvenience will be more than made up for by the increased
speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared
of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number
of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in
alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting
this message where your users will be able to read it. Please
pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well.