BS: A Tale of Camelot

Subject: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 12:45 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Greatest fictional character ever?
From: Bill D - PM
Date: 30 Mar 06 - 09:49 PM

'probably'? If they're only making guesses, Camelot is so close to fictional that it is almost irrelevant. If there ever was a "King Arthur", it is likely that 99.027% of the stories are composed. Close enough for me! *grin*


*****************************

King Arthur consulted Merlin one day when he was feeling a bit insecure. He said, "Will my name live on? Will I be remembered by posterity?"

Merlin rolled his eyes, scrunched up his face, groaned dramatically, and dropped some kind of vile-smelling potion into a flaming brazier. He gazed intently into the roiling clouds of blue smoke that burst forth.

"Yea and nay," he said at length.

King Arthur looked puzzled. "Could you elaborate on that?" he queried.

"Many, many people will remember your name for a thousand years and more," quoth Merlin gravely, "but...."

"But?"

There will be a cynical knave in the...let me see....the 20th to early 21st centuries...about 1500 years from now...and this aforesaid knave will not believe that you even existed! He will, of course, have heard of you, I might add. No one, however ignorant and witless, will not have heard of you." Merlin wiped his hands off on his robe with a look of disgust and dismissal.

"What?" Arthur burst out. "Not believe I ever existed? Why, that...that detestable, that insentient, shambling, chuckleheaded, unbelieving varlet! Why, if he were here I would strike his head off this instant, disembowel him, and cast his stinking remains to the carrion birds." He paced back and forth in a royal fury, his face dark with anger.

"Yes," agreed Merlin, "So should I. It is very insulting. Unforgivable, really. Still, the fellow is beyond our reach."

"What is this scum-sucker's name?" raged Arthur.

Merlin rolled his eyes back again, sighed deeply...

"Bill Dee," he said.

"Bill Dee????? What sort of stupid peasant's name is that? Why, I know what I'll do! I'll find all the people with the family name 'Dee', and I'll have them put to the sword! I will finish this disrespectful bastard 1,000 years before his rightful time. He shall never be born!"

Arthur rushed off and summoned his knights and his army. They were quite busy for the next couple of months, riding all around the realm, and it was a very, very bad time for anyone with the surname 'Dee' ...which, oddly enough, means "die" in the Scots dialect. How appropriate!

Arthur returned in September, having to the best of his knowledge exterminated all the Dees, far and wide. Not a Dee that had not died hideously. Several score 'Deas' had died as well, along with some unfortunate fellow named 'Willy Die', and all was well in the kingdom.

Again he consulted Merlin. Again the spell was cast. When it was over, Merlin looked very grim.

"You missed him somehow," he said, shaking his head. "He's still there. I mean, he will be. And he hasn't changed his unbelief a whit. I mean, he won't then, if you follow me."

Arthur flew into a raving fit, and yelled and screamed for a while. Merlin waited it out. Then he said, "No doubt the varlet is descended from a family of Dees in some distant land, far beyond our realm. This could be harder than tracking down the Holy Grail. It could waste the strength of the Round Table and make us a laughing stock if we fail."

"What do you recommend?" snarled Arthur, grinding his teeth in impotent fury.

"We can't get him now," said Merlin, "but what about the future?"

"What about it, then?" said Arthur. "We can do nothing about it that I can see, if we can't find his forefathers now."

"Oh, yes we can," said Merlin, his eyes flashing. "I have a spell most profound and terrible, but it can only be worked after your death."

"What good does that do me?" protested Arthur petulantly. "A fine wizard you are! I should find another, I'm thinking."

Merlin smiled cunningly. "You don't follow my meaning. Everyone dies, yes? Well, someday you shall, and all shall mourn, but ON THAT DAY........!"

"On that day?"

"On that day I shall work a dread and terrible spell. Are you aware that men's souls are born again? And again? In new bodies? And some women too...I think....possibly...at any rate, I shall arrange by dark magic to steer your soul unerringly into a new life in the time of Bill Dee. When the time is right, you shall suddenly become aware of who you truly are...ARTHUR...LORD OF CAMELOT...MASTER OF DEADLY WEAPONS! You shall procure said weapons, sword and shield, dagger and spear, throttling string and head-crushing mace...and you shall go forth like an arrow to its mark, find this wretch, Bill Dee, and expunge him brutally and finally from the fair face of the globe. Then you shall restore Camelot on the throne of a great new land, called "Theeyewessay". You shall fly a banner of war named "Old Gory" and strike fear and trembling into heathens and unbelievers all across the entire world! Thus shall the glory of Arthur live on and be greater than before!"

Arthur's eyes blazed. "How will I know when the time is right?"

"You'll know," said Merlin, offhandedly. "Trust me. You just will. And your kingly abilities shall by then have naturally delivered you straight to the throne of leadership, so none shall question your absolute authority to do as you see fit."

"Excellent!" thundered Arthur, striking his fist on the table. "Do it then! When I die!"

And so it was done...

********************************

Late March 2006: The White House - in the Oval Office - 6 PM

President George W. Bush, "Dubya" for short, was feeling weary. He had spent a happy hour or two playing "Bush Shoot-out" on Miniclip.com, but the game was beggining to lose its appeal. Kicking ass onscreen just wasn't doing it for him anymore, and Iraq was not going very well either. His popularity rating had never been lower. It was downright discouraging.

George W. sighed, put his head down on his arms and took a little nap. He dreamed he was back in Texas, managing the baseball team. He began to smile...

When suddenly Condi Rice stepped in. "Mr President? George? Mr President?"

George W.'s head jerked up. He looked around for a moment in what appeared to be confusion and astonishment. His icy blue eyes steadied, and fixed on Condi. She stepped back in momentary surprise...there was a steely look in Dubya's eyes that she could not recall ever having seen before.

"Mr President? Is...is something wrong? Did you have a bad dream?"

George W. looked slowly around the room. It was all coming clear. He could see both realities now. He could see the strange weaving of destiny which had taken him from business failures and personal failures to a place beyond failure...and then the mysterious hand of the Lord guiding him past all that to the shining command of a mighty kingdom, a kingdom 1,000 times greater than Camelot at its height, a kingdom with mastery of the Earth, the sea, the sky, and even the heavens!

This dark serpent woman was one he could trust, ruthless, and ambitious. But he could not tell her all he knew. It was too soon for that.

"I need a sword," he said.

"What???" said Condi, her jaw dropping.

"I said I need a sword. A big one. Make it one o' them medee-evil swords like in 'Braveheart'. You know. And get me a shield. And a big mace. And a long dagger with a hilt. And a...a long metal spear. And a length of nylon fishing line...20 pound test line."

"The fishing line I can get," said Condi, "but I'm not sure about the other stuff. All they have is those Jedi light sabers at Walmart."

"Hell, get it at the Smithsonian then. I don't care where you get it, just get me the real thing. I got a little job to do on the weekend. And one more thing...."

"Get military intelligence and the IRS on the phone. Have 'em do an Internet Search for a name. 'Bill Dee'. Find this Bill Dee. Track him down. Smoke him out. Then give me the address where he lives."

"Consider it done," said Condi. "How do you spell the name 'Dee'?"

"How the hell should I know? Spell it every way possible. D-E-E, D-E-A, D-E-I, D-I-E, D-E-Y...hell, even try it as just the initial 'D', but find me this man!"

"Don't you worry, George, we'll find him," vowed Condi. "Can you tell me what this is about?"

"Well...let's just say...it's about belief! Belief, Condoleeza. A man is nothin' without belief, and a country is nothin' without belief. Belief is what gives us our strength, and sustains our freedoms, and makes us what we are...Americans! Defenders of the Faith!"

George W./Arthur gazed grimly into the eyes of his Secretary of State, and she felt a thrill shiver down her spine. Those were the icy blue eyes of command, as she had never seen in Dubya before. The shit was definitely going to hit the fan.

"This man, 'Bill Dee', he doesn't believe, Condi. I'm gonna make that sucker believe! Just find him for me. Just find him. And then," he concluded, with a little smirk, "Me and the Sixth Fleet and the 101st Airborne are goin' to the Holy Land, and we are gonna kick some Iranian ASS!"

Condi exited the room with fire in her eyes, and George W. took a slow deep breath of satisfaction. 1500 years! 1500 years his soul had waited for this moment. That sex maniac Kennedy...they had called his term in office "Camelot". That was a joke. Him and that other sex maniac, Clinton. Well, they were both gone now. Gone for good. And the real Camelot was about to be born again. This time it would last a thousand years.

He went back to the presidential desk, sat down, and drew a little stick figure on his scribble pad. He put a smily face on its head, said, "Hi, Bill Dee!" and grinned at it. Then he savagely drew an "X" across the face, crumpled up the piece of paper in his fist, and took it over to the gas fireplace. He half unfolded the paper again, looked at it one more time, and dropped it into the flames. As it caught fire and began to blacken and shrivel he grinned, waved at it merrily, and chirped, "Bye, bye, Bill Dee! Don't ferget to write!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: katlaughing
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 01:03 AM

LMAO, but eeewwwwhhhh! Puir Arthur to have been born in that lout's body!!

Never fear, BillDear! Kat and her howling commandos shall fend off the archaic weapons and their dolt of a wielder!

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 01:11 AM

Thank you, Kat. ;-D As first reader of this glorious tale you will soon receive either:

1. An autographed 8 x 19 glossy of Captain Kirk on the bridge of the Enterprise.

or...

2. A 6-inch action figure of George W. Bush "Aviator" in pilot's combat uniform, as seen on the aircraft carrier on the day of "Mission Accomplished".

"Mission Accomplished"

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Amos
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 09:37 AM

Well done, LH! LMAO!


A

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 09:46 AM

Yes, but don't forget Morgan le Fey came back as an African-American woman...and Mordred's first name was "Billybob".

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 11:16 AM

...so THAT'S why I was especially toasty-warm in my bed last night! Serves 'ol King Artie right for being such a self-centered ass.....(I wonder why they only gave him a brain the first time around?)

☺☺☺

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: DMcG
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 11:31 AM

A 6-inch action figure of George W. Bush "Aviator" in pilot's combat uniform? You've just reminded me: The "Millard Fillmore" from ToyPresents has slipped back a few places ...

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 12:18 PM

I've changed my mind... I do believe (One of those does resemble Georgie a bit)

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 12:37 PM

Nice camels!!! What a great picture.

You WILL believe, Bill. You will. Ah kin guaran-dam-tee it. ;-P

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 12:42 PM

That's a bet, LH....and one I'd be glad to lose. But I'll bet I don't--I mean..ummmm...(How come is it that I can't never say "I told you so" for all these things? 'Taint fair!)

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 01:02 PM

He's gonna smoke you out, Bill. Look, I can provide a safe house for you in Canada. Seriously, man, I think you should git the hayull out of the USA while you still can! ;-) Either that or convert to a true believer in both King Arthur and Jesus fast! Maybe ol' George W. will buy it. Whaddya think?

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Kaleea
Date: 31 Mar 06 - 02:15 PM

Since it's almost passover, will somebody please substitute invisible red ink for the blood in dubblepew's six shooter squirt gun he uses "just in case passover is fer real."

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Big Mick
Date: 01 Apr 06 - 12:46 PM

That's it, I've had enough!!! No more playing second fiddle to Offer. I am exercising my authority as a Mudelf, and putting your sorry arse out of here Hawk. It's over for you. For the last time, you have violated the prime directive, otherwise known as the

"WARNING:Empty all body cavities of waste, swallow all food and liquids, BEFORE reading this post"

rule. I can no longer allow you to post these types of things without thought and concern for the keyboards, monitors, and undergarments of Mudcatters around the world. Furthermore, the service contract on my own computer is up, and the wash machine is about to break down from overuse. You are out of here, buster. Done. I ain't puttin' up for this old load of shite any longer.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: gnu
Date: 01 Apr 06 - 01:05 PM

Where do I submit my claim for this new keyboard?

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Apr 06 - 02:29 PM

"...a safe house for you in Canada"

Do I have to share a place with Chongo, BDinBR, Shane, or any of those other unsavory characters I hear live about them parts? It ain't worth it! I'll take my chances that what with 200+ billion $$$$ spent on other 'crusades', 'ol Georgie can't afford the gas to rumble uphill the 15 miles to my place!

come & get me, George! , I'm right below center

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Apr 06 - 04:59 PM

LOL! Thanks, Mick. I guess I have finally made the big time, and got my sorry arse into the Mudcat Hall of Shame.

Awright! Totally decent, as Shane would say.

Bill, that looks like a pretty typical suburban subdivision there...you have a fair few trees, eh? Boy, I sure hope the secret service doesn't get hold of that picture! Keep your eyes open, Bill. I'm rooting for you here. If George W. "gits" you, I am going to hold a celebratory wake at the WSSBA, and we will put a memorial picture of you at the foot of the Shatner Monolith, along with some nice plastic flowers. You will be remembered, just like poor Willy Die was.

I wonder who Merlin reincarnated as? And what if Guinever came back as Hillary Clinton????? Omigosh. I'm getting goose bumps here.

Kat - I made a typo. The Bush Aviator action figure is not a 6-inch figure, it's a 12-inch figure. That's twice as much fun!

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Amos
Date: 01 Apr 06 - 05:16 PM

Yeah, but that's Bush's version of 12 inches. Don't be fooled.


A

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Apr 06 - 05:23 PM

Heh!

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Apr 06 - 05:24 PM

(Just don't put a picture of Shatner at MY monolith!) ♫ 'Tis sweet to be remembered..♫

We have quite a lot of trees here ....looks much better in Summer and from ground level! But, yeah...it is very suburban. George W. would be very bored looking for me...

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Cats
Date: 02 Apr 06 - 03:35 AM

There is a real place called Camelot about 5 miles from us. [You can find it on an O.S.map} It's a crossroads and it's claim to fame is that it has a very good Cattery and Kennels there and the lane leads down to Bethlehem! Wonderful place names we have in Cornwall.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 06 - 10:10 PM

Early May 2006: The White House - in the Oval Office - 3 PM

George W. Bush, the reincarnated spirit of King Arthur, now embodied in a lean Texas-tanned frame, had been in a foul mood for weeks. He fumed and paced and snapped at the secret service men when they dared to stick their heads in the Oval Office. His popularity was in the toilet bowl, his attack on Iran had been put on hold again, and Bill Dee had not yet been found!

"Goddamit!" he fumed. "Here I am in the greatest country on Earth, with a modern surveillance system, with Homeland Security, with the FBI, the CIA, Military Intelligence, Spy Satellites, Stealth Bombers, Nukular Weapons comin' out the ying yang, and NOBODY can find one lousy, stinkin', unbelieving son of a bitch named Bill Dee in the whole damn nation!!! I'm so mad I could nuke Massachussetts! How damn hard can it be to find one goddamn son of a bitch who doesn't believe in King Arthur? How hard can it be????"

His ravings were interrupted by Condoleeza Rice, who entered the room silently, clutching a file folder.

"I told you not to come back till you found him..." growled George W., glowering at her. "Don't tell me you haven't found him."

"We have found him," replied Condi, triumphantly. "Take a look at this!"

George W. siezed the file folder eagerly and ripped it open, spreading the papers out on his desk. Here it was at last! The elusive wretch had finally been smoked out, after over a month of fruitless searching through IRS records and every other source of information conceivable.

"He's on an obscure Interent site called...'Mudcat Cafe'," said Condi.

"I see that," said George W., licking his lips like a hungry wolf. "My gosh! That sonovabitch doesn't even have a proper last name, just the initial "D". No wonder he was so damn hard to find."

"It's a nickname of some kind," said Condi, "but get this: that whole site is absolutely full of liberal/radical subversives of the lunatic left...with the exception of a handful of patriots and loyal Americans. You wouldn't believe the hatred that spews forth from these scum against you, against America, against freedom..."

"Oh, I'd believe it, Condi, I'd believe it," said George W. grimly. "There are a lot of sworn enemies of America out there and they're like bad apples...you find one, you find a whole barrelful. Then there are the gay-lovers, the limp-wristed appeasers of evil and those types too, and they hang out together, Condi, and plot evil!"

His eyes lit with a messianic gleam. "I knew it! I knew when we found this here 'Bill D' it would just be the tip of the whole rotten, stinkin' iceberg of dissent that menaces the survival of America! This here Bill D scumbag has led us to the motherlode of traitors who must be dealt with ruthlessly and finally..." he ran his fingers lovingly along the edge of the "terrible swift" sword that he had been practicing with for weeks now in readiness to lop off Bill D's head when he tracked him down.

"I think you should take a good look at this." Condi indicated an aerial photograph of a suburban neighborhood. "This is where he lives."

"I see." George W. gazed intently at the photo. "Where is that neighborhood?"

"We're...still not quite sure...it could be in any one of about...." She hesitated under the icy glare of her commander-in-chief.

"...about 350 different communities somewhere between California and...New Jersey. But," she hastily added, "we're almost dead sure he's in the Midwest somewhere."

"WHATTTTT????" thundered George W. "What are you tellin' me? You call this 'FINDING' a man???? I want to know EXACTLY where he is! And I want to know it by tomorrow! Now get OUT!!!" He took a mighty swing at Condoleeza with the sword, which would have decapitated her if not for a very quick dodge on her part. She fled the office, slamming the door behind her. As it shut it received a hurled battleax from George W. which stood quivering in its center panel. A good thing that door was made of strong stuff!

"Un-be-f*cking-lievable!" roared George W. to the four walls and whoever was unlucky enough to be in earshot. "When I was king in Camelot I executed thousands for less than this! I didn't have to put up with pissant excuses and whiny 'Oh, well, we're not sure just where he is right now...' No! I rode forth and I conquered! I pillaged and burned and no one dared stop me! Bill D! I know you're out there, you unbelieving pig! I know you don't believe in King Arthur and you don't believe in me or the USA either! Well, Mr liberal, atheistic, limp-wristed, traiterous, mouth-breathin' lowlife filth, I am gonna find you, and then, mister, you are gonna bite the 'big one', cross the Great Divide, kiss the ground, kick the bucket, and DIE!"

"6 weeks I have delayed the assault on Eye-ran because of this loser! Six weeks! Oh my, mister Bill D, you are goin' to pay for that. Oh, my, yes, indeedy."

Outside in the hall it was very quiet. In the military intelligence labs not far away they were poring over that grainy photo, taken from the link off that obscure internet forum called Mudcat Cafe. There had to be a way of narrowing the search down to a specific street in a specific town...there just had to be. Time was running out.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 09 May 06 - 10:49 PM

they had HOW many "... FBI, the CIA, Military Intelligence, Spy Satellites," etc looking over that grainy photo for weeks and couldn't see the latitude & longitude in the corner? *grin*


I feel safe with that bunch looking for me! But I may replace the pic with one cropped a little, just to keep 'em busy and occupied. Maybe it will distract 'em from EYE-ran!

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 06 - 10:51 PM

Strange, isn't it? ;-) Almost like you were under the protection of guardian angels.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:04 PM

*giggle*....now look! Those guardian angles work FAST!

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:07 PM

Where would I find it?

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:08 PM

right here, George!

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:10 PM

I assumed you were too busy writing deathless prose to look back up ^ there.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:10 PM

Ha! Ha! That's great! But I'd still think of moving to Canada, Bill. They are closing in on you now...

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:11 PM

gee, I hope they bring alligator food with 'em....

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Amos
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:26 PM

ROFLMAO!! Hey, Bushy!! Over here!! It's me -- the liberal commie pinko ofay faggot pseudo-intellectual motherfucker what Martin tole you about!! Over here!! Neener, neener, neeener!! MY approval ratings are higher nor YOURN!!! Yo!! Airhead!! Mistah Popularity!! Over here!!


Great job, George.



A

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:48 PM

The more Dubya studied the Mudcat transcripts the deeper the frown that creased his forehead and clenched down around his burning eyes. "This is fiendish stuff," he muttered. "Fiendish. This is worse than the time Mordred spread them false stories about me havin' it on with the sheep in the royal stables! These are downright obscene and treasonable attacks on me and on everything that makes America the Land of the Free. We'll find ALL of these Mudcat liberals and their friends. We'll make a clean sweep. We will decimate them and wipe them off the suffering face of America like wipin' a bunch of flies off a fresh Texas beefsteak!"

He stalked about the office, twirling his sword and imagining all the horrible ways he would dispatch these enemies of the realm, these ex-hippy, fat, dope-smoking, sexually deviant, pseudointellectual creeps who dared insult their own chief executive and bite the hand that fed them all.

This sort of thing would never have been tolerated back in the year 500, when people knew how to run a tight ship of state. Hell no! Just kill 'em all. That's what an army was for, after all, killing people. Any fool knew that. Even the Eye-ranians knew that, even though they were basically barely beyond a medieval social consciousness. There were some days when George W. almost felt a tinge of sympathy for those poor Eye-ranians, but then he would always remember the one basic problem. They weren't Christians. They didn't believe. Well, there's really only one remedy for those kind of people, and it doesn't take a degree in rocket science to figure out what that is. No sir. Smoke 'em out and take 'em out.

"Gotcha!" He loved that expression, just loved it. He couldn't wait to say it to Bill D.

Just like in all the good movies...

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 06 - 11:51 PM

And then this guy, Amos...he was gonna be among the first to go, that was for certain sure. Maybe the rack. Or the iron maiden? Maybe hot coals. Maybe just plain old drawing and quartering...

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 06 - 12:08 AM

Yo!! Bushie!! Ya two-bit warmonger, baby-killing, powermongering hollow-brained good fer nuffin sunuvabitch!! Yo!! Over here!! Find any nyukuhloor weapons yet??? How's the Decidin' business? Decided to pull yer finger out? Good move, Bushie, baby!


A

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: CarolC
Date: 10 May 06 - 12:32 AM

(I am totally seeing Alan Rickman as Merlin in the screen adaptation... )

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 May 06 - 01:12 AM

Yeah, the Merlin character is a pretty neat part, no doubt about it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 10 May 06 - 11:51 AM

*Bill D wakes up, yawning....goes to the window and notes no long, dark sedans surrounding his block yet.....smiles, and heads to the computer to report that there is no urgent pressure to move to Canada...although it IS tempting when I realize what King Georgie the Shrub, in his reincarnation delusion, is doing to the fabric of the country...not to mention the budget!

Maybe I ought to go 5 minutes to upper 16th St. and roll a few bowling balls down hill to get his attention since he can't read a map....those alligators could use some exercise. Hope he brings that sword...I have one of these to make his trip memorable.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 May 06 - 07:51 PM

George W. was up bright and early the next day, practicing vicious sword swings and ax tosses. He was puzzled by his awkwardness with the flail, however. An unwary swing of that deadly little tool had nearly taken his own head off a couple of times! It was unsettling. He remembered handling the flail beautifully in his previous life as King Arthur, and smashing poor people's brains out with it, but something had changed. Handling the damn thing now was almost as tricky as eating pretzels! Well, it would take time to reacquaint his nervous system with the use of all these handheld weapons, being as he was in a whole new body and all...

The flail and various other cool medieval weapons...

He was all puffed out when Condoleeza Rice knocked and entered. He noted that she had a large handgun tucked in her belt.

"What you packin' the heat for, Condi," he inquired, with a grin. "You expectin' terrrorists or somethin'?"

"I'll be frank, Mr President," she replied cooly. "The next time you swing that damn sword at me I am going to blow your head clean off. We've been working damn hard to find that Bill D character, and I've had about all I can take at this point."

George W. glared at her. Why...the nerve! This was tantamount to open revolution. He gave her "the look". She gave it right back. They stared each other down for about 30 seconds, and George W. blinked. He realized that it was quite possible she meant what she said. Hmmm. Time to backpedal a bit here...

"Why, Condi," he grinned, "I was just foolin' around there with the sword...you know I like to play with weapons. Just a little bit of fun there, huh? So, how goes the search? What have you got for me today?"

"We've narrowed it down to 3 possible locations," said Condoleeza crisply, and she spread out more photos and papers on the presidential desk.

Hmmmm...."Podunk, Iowa." Dubya narrowed his eyes. "I never did like Podunk. It's a crummy little rathole of a place...but those people mostly voted for me, didn't they? Hmmmm. Okay...we got...Lynchville, Kansas. Lynchville? Sounds like another place that would have voted for me too. Shee-it! Wait...we got...Blind River???? Where the hell is Blind River?"

"That's a bit of a problem. It's in Canada. North Ontario, to be more precise."

"No kiddin'? Canada, huh? Well, I'll be damned...lemme look at those photos again." George W. examined the photos and compared them to the original. He scoped it out from every angle.

"It's plain as the backside of a Texas longhorn," he declared at length. "Blind River is the place. That scum-sucking, disbelieving liberal atheist prick is livin' in Blind River, Ontario, Canada!"

"What do we do?" said Condi. "That's outside our official jurisdiction."

George W. laughed out loud. "And when has that ever mattered? Was Eye-rack in our official jurisdiction? Is Eye-ran? Hell, Guantanamo's in Cuba and they can't do squat when we bring people in there and torture 'em without trial. What the hay'll can Canada do? Nothin', that's what. But it'll have to be an undercover job. Actually..." his eyes gleamed, "that's good! Couldn't be better. After all, I can't go loppin' heads off in broad daylight in the good ol' USA...that might lead to subpoenas and Congressional investigations...but I sure as hell can in Canada. The place is a refuge for moose, beavers, and sorry-ass liberals who are soft on socialism. Their armed forces are a joke. They couldn't invade downtown Peoria. They are no threat to anyone. I woulda taken the suckers out years ago, except there isn't even any glory in it. It's not worth the trouble."

"Tell ya what," he went on. "Call up the boys in Special Ops. Have 'em provide me with one o' them black helicopters, one that can carry a live horse and a man in a full set of armour. By Gawd, Bill D, your time is almost up! I'm a'comin' fer ya, now, sucker. You kin run, but you can't hide!" He rubbed his hands gleefully.

Condoleeza took out her cellphone and got right to it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Ebbie
Date: 10 May 06 - 09:10 PM

Poor Shane. I just hope he's in jail.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: jacqui.c
Date: 10 May 06 - 09:30 PM

I'd give odds on Shane against the shrub any day.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Amos
Date: 10 May 06 - 10:55 PM

I am wondering about those translation algorithms used in the CIA's GIS system. (Obviously they are not taking different geucoordinate systems into account. Shoulda stuck to WGS84).

A

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 May 06 - 11:10 PM

Must be a bug in the system somewhere. Saboteurs. Fifth columnists.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Peace
Date: 10 May 06 - 11:12 PM

Illegal aliens living in foreign countries.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 10 May 06 - 11:19 PM

Sendin' black helicopters into Canada, is he? Gonna roust out BDinBR and accuse HIM of being ME? Durned iffn GW ain't dumber'n I thought.

But I'd give a dollar for video of the meeting...*grin*

Meantime, I'll just tease him by putting the picture WITH the latitude & longitude back up. Maybe some 3rd level bureaucrat in the NSA will figger it out, and we can have some excitement down here...

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: CarolC
Date: 11 May 06 - 10:42 AM

I see the most frightening looking of those medieval weapons is named after Bill himself. He must be a mighty warrior to have such a weapon named after him.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: DMcG
Date: 11 May 06 - 11:19 AM

He's trying to fool you again, GW. Here's his real lat and long: 38° 53' 42.46 N 77° 01' 59.59 W

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: DMcG
Date: 11 May 06 - 11:20 AM

Damn, missed! Well, its nearby anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Bill D
Date: 11 May 06 - 12:07 PM

*grin*....just reach behind you, Georgie...

Subject: RE: BS: A Tale of Camelot
From: Janie
Date: 11 May 06 - 12:55 PM

Oh Jaysus! Better add another keyboard to that order....

Janie