BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?

Subject: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 12:33 PM

Woody Allen became famous for scenes in which he agonizes and complains and whines and goes on and on about his problems and how life isn't working out for him.

Any opinions on which movie scene was the best or most classic of these? Got any good quotes?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: bobad
Date: 08 May 06 - 01:10 PM

I always thought the scene from "Take The Money And Run" where Woody as Virgil Starkwell tries to hold up a bank and the teller can't read the holdup note, was classic Woody Allen as the loser schlub who can't get anything right.

What does this say?

Uh, can't you read that?

I can't read this. What is this? "Abt natural"?

No it just reads, "Please put $50 thousand into this bag. Act natural."

Does it say, "Act natural"?

I, uh, am pointing a gut at you.

That looks like "gub", it doesn't look like "gun".

No, it's "gub". That's a B.

No you see, it's an N... G-U-N.

George, would you step over here a moment please.

What does this say?

"Please put $50 thousand into this bag and... abt"

- What's "abt"? - "Act"

Does this look like "gub" or "gun"?

"Gun". You see. But what's "abt", mean?

It's "act"...A- C-T, act.

Please put $50 thousand into this bag. Act natural.

- Oh, I see, this is a hold up. - Yes.

May I see your gun?

Well, you'll have to have this note initialized by one of our vice-presidents

before I can give you any money.

I'm in a rush.

- What?! - You see I'm in a rush.

I'm sorry, but that's our policy.

The gentleman in the gray suit.

That's gun... l'm pointing...

That's "gub"... I'm pointing a gun at you.

That's B.

- No, it's N. - Miss Frank!

"I'm pointing a gun at you. Abt natural".

- What is "abt"? - No, it's "act".

No, it couldn't be. It's a plain B.

No, no, I'm afraid not.

That's "act naturally. I'm pointing a gun at you."

Mr. Miller!

"I'm pointing a gub"

No, that's gun, G-U-N. It's "I'm pointing a gun at you."

It looks like a B, but it's a N.

Hello, Louise?

Listen, I can't make our date today.

I've got to go to Boston and give a concert.

Well, look, why don't I give you a call in about a...

In about 10 years.

Virgil Starkwell is apprehended in the act of bank robbery.

He is given 10 years in the State's strictest maximum-security prison.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 02:45 PM

Good lord, that's pathetic. I've never seen that one.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 08 May 06 - 04:16 PM

From his early stand-up years (1960s) 2 routines come to mind---too long to quote verbatim but to sum up


1) Describing his time in France with Gertrude Stein and Hemingway and constantly being punched by Stein for whatever he says that is even in agreement about their art.

2) While going to a summer camp which was ecuminical he was beaten by children of all races and creeds.

3)   On getting a divorce on his honeymoon---A honeymoon is over in a week or so, but his divorce is forever.


Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: bobad
Date: 08 May 06 - 06:53 PM

I agree Bill, the bit on Stein and hemingway is priceless.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 May 06 - 07:01 PM

The earlier movies were better for me as far as the classic Woody character goes. Take the Money and Run, Bananas, Play It Again Sam, and Sleeper were all absolutely hilarious.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 08:08 PM

Yeah, I agree with that. My favorites are "Annie Hall" and "Play It Again, Sam". Anything that had him and Diane Keaton in it. She was priceless. I like the scene where he's wandering down a New York Street with his friend, the obsessive-compulsive business guy, and bellyaching about prejudice against Jews, and he says, "The guy says to me, 'Dj-you eat?'...not 'Did you eat?'...'Jew eat?'..."

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 08 May 06 - 08:13 PM

On a talk show many years back he put on his "nebisch" face (not hard for him) and held up a picture of his house and his wife---he said: "...The one with the shingles is my wife".

Loved that line.

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: number 6
Date: 08 May 06 - 08:32 PM

"Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college. " .... from Annie Hall

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. " ... from Love and Death

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 08:40 PM

Ah, yes...Love and Death! Great film.

Woody: "If a man said that to me, I would kill him."

the deadly Russian Count: "I AM a man!"

Woody: (laughs awkwardly) "Oh, well...in your case I'd be prepared to make an exception."

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 09:02 PM

Found those lines...here's from Annie Hall:

"You know, I was having lunch with some guys from NBC, so I said, 'Did you eat yet or what?' And Tom Christie said, 'No, JEW?' Not 'Did you?'...JEW eat? JEW? You get it? JEW eat?"

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Bobert
Date: 08 May 06 - 09:06 PM

"Don't go to that resturant. The food is lousy and the portions too small..." (movie source unknown)

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 09:28 PM

I think that was Annie Hall as well.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 09:34 PM

Found some good stuff here from Annie Hall:

Pedestrian: Are you on television?
Alvy: No. (After a long pause, Alvy admits) Yeah, once in a while...
Pedestrian: What's your name?
Alvy: You wouldn't know. It doesn't matter. What's the difference?
Pedestrian: You're on, uh, the, uh, the Johnny Carson, right?
Alvy: Once in a while, you know...
Pedestrian: What's your name?
Alvy: I-m - I'm uh, I'm Robert Redford.
Pedestrian: Come on.
Alvy (extends his hand for a shake): Alvy Singer. It was nice. Thanks very much for everything.
Pedestrian: Hey (loudly beckoning a friend)! Dis is Alvy Singah!
Alvy (exasperated): Fellas, you know...
Pedestrian: Dis guy's on television!!! Alvy Singer. Right? Am I right?
Alvy: Gimme a break...
Pedestrian: Dis guy's on television!!!
Alvy: I need the large polo mallet.
2nd man: Who's on television?
Pedestrian: Dis guy - on the Johnny Carson Show.
Alvy: Fellas, what is this? A meeting of the Teamsters?
2nd man: What program?
Pedestrian: Kineye 'ave your ortograph?
Alvy: You don't want my autograph?
Pedestrian: No, I do. It's for my girlfriend. Make it out to Ralph.
Alvy: (after a double-take) Your girlfriend's name is Ralph?
Pedestrian: It's for my bruddah. (He is handed to autograph) ALVY SINGER!! HEY! THIS IS ALVY SINGER!!

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 09:35 PM

In a brilliant introductory shot, Annie pulls up in a taxicab at the curb - and she is not apologetic but irritable:


Alvy: Jesus, what did ya do? Come by way of the Panama Canal?
Annie: I'm in a bad mood, OK?
Alvy: Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of The Godfather. [A reference to a film in which Diane Keaton played the role of Michael Corleone's (Al Pacino) wife.]
Annie: You're gonna have to learn to deal with it.
Alvy: I'm dealin' with two guys named Cheech.

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 May 06 - 10:19 PM

In the very next scene, Annie plans to move in with Alvy and unpacks her belongings in his place. They can live together and she can save $400/month rent on her bug-ridden apartment. Again, he resorts to comedy, disguising his own fear of commitment and loss of freedom. Ambivalent, Alvy insists that she not give up her own apartment to assure them that they're not married:


Alvy: What do you mean? You're not going to give up your own apartment, are you?
Annie: Of course.
Alvy: But but but why?
Annie: I'm moving in with you, that's why.
Alvy: Yeah, but you've got a nice apartment.
Annie: I have a tiny apartment.
Alvy: I know it's small.
Annie: That's right, and it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
Alvy: All right, granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs. But you, you say that like it's a negative thing. You know, bugs, uh - Entymology is a rapidly growing field.
Annie: You don't want me to live with you.
Alvy: I don't want you to live with me! Who's idea was it?
Annie: Mine.
Alvy: Yeah, it was yours actually, but uh, I approved it immediately.
Annie: I guess you think that I talked you into something, huh?
Alvy: No. We live together. We sleep together. We eat together. Jesus. You don't want it to be like we're married, do ya?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 09 May 06 - 08:05 PM

And from an early stand-up routine, once again. In brief:

He shoots a moose and drives it back to the city ---but the moose is not dead and he figures he will take it to a costume party. The moose loses a best of costume to the GOldbergs who are also dressed as mooses---they lock antlers and the moose wins. He drives--what he thinks is the moose back to the woods---but it is Mrs. Goldberg.

They die and their remains--heads--are donated to the NY Athletic Club. The joke is on them---the NY Athletic club is segregated--and the moose is back in the woods.

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 May 06 - 08:23 PM

No one can make jokes about Jews like Jews can. ;-)

Matter of fact, it's kind of like no one else is allowed to...

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: number 6
Date: 09 May 06 - 09:47 PM

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."

sIx

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Dead Horse
Date: 10 May 06 - 05:23 AM

Being so poor that his parents could not afford to give him the dog he so much wanted as a pet - so they gave him an ant as a substitute, telling him it was a dog!
Priceless.
He set his pet on the school bully - who promptly stepped on his "dog"

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 May 06 - 08:00 AM

I think 'Antz' was Woody's best movie!

:-)

Oh, except for Toy Story - wasn't he in that?

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 May 06 - 06:19 PM

I find his complaints about dating women to be the funniest. You just want to kick him after about five minutes of it...

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 May 06 - 08:46 PM

So do they probably, which is why...

Subject: RE: BS: Best Woody Allen complaint monologue...?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 May 06 - 08:48 PM

Oh, definitely. ;-) Still, the little son of a gun got to go out with Diane Keaton for quite awhile. Boy, that really frustrates me, I'm telling you.