BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 11 - 02:09 PM

The A-B-Cs of Growing Older

Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus, with bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 05:05 AM

Got this from great Irish comedian Hal Roach [so clearly a different H.R.].


I sat down in restaurant in Donegal. The meny said,"T-Bone 50 pence."

I said to the waiter, "That's pretty cheap", and he said, "It's £8 if you want meat on it."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 09:35 AM

"How's the wife?"
"She's in bed with acute angina."
"I didn't ask your opinion of her nether regions."

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 04:20 AM

AS the couplare going to bed,

"Close the window darling, it's freezing outside."

"So if I close the window, it'll get warmer outside?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 09:40 PM

"How's the wife?"
"Ah, she's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 06:02 AM

"Are you hen-pecked?"

"Don't know. I'll have to ask the wife."



One I got off the telly last night.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 05:14 AM

Friend 1: "Sorry, but I must confess it, I've slept for the last two years with your wife."

Friend 2: "Oh this bloody lying slut! She told me she had an intelligent and good looking lover!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: DMcG
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 10:25 AM

A genuine one in the local rag this week said "this is a 'spacious' property". Surely those quotations suggest the use of irony?

Years back we saw a property advertised as "next to a local landmark". It was next to a gasometer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 10:17 AM

"Real Estate Advertising Terminology"

* Unusual location:- In the path of a projected superhighway.

* Local authority grants available:- About to be condemned.

* Period residence:- Built in the last two years.

* Select neighborhood:- Beside sewage works.

* Compact:- Tiny.

* Country gentleman's residence:-
No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

* Unusual features:- No roof.

* Delightful rural location:- In flight path of nuclear
bomber base.

* Box room:-
Suitable for accommodating one or two large
cardboard boxes, Folded.

* A wealth of period features:-
Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit
best operated in insulated gloves and rubber galoshes.

* Quiet secluded setting:- On site of proposed dormitory
town.

* Well situated:- In full view of the neighbors.

* Within easy distance of:-
Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local
amenities.

* Rare opportunity to buy:- No one else wants it.

* For the gardening enthusiast:- Grounds like a jungle.

* Extensively modernized:-
Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* Unspoilt:- Zoning permission granted for field next
door.

* Deceptive appearance:- It looks terrible.

* Partial central heating:-
The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

* Easily maintained:- Requires at least two gardeners and
live-in maid.

* Useful outbuildings:- No inside toilet.

* Much sought after:-
It's been on the market at least twice before and still
no one wants it.

* By private treaty:-
If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve
price.

* Owner eager to sell:-
If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be
noticed.

* Subject to new instructions:-
They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* Sold:- Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 11:21 AM

This slippery slope will lead to elephant jokes and herald once more the end of civilization as we know it.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 06:04 AM

"Do you know the difference between an apple and an elephant?"

"No."

"Then I wouldn't send you to buy a pound of apples; you might come back with a pound of elephants."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 01:30 AM

Indeed, Joe.

Are these variants of the old jingle "If we had eggs we could have ham & eggs, if we had ham"?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 07:58 PM

Oh, dear! Do Christians have those jokes too?

What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?
I don't know.
A herring.
But a herring isn't green.
It is if I paint it green.
But it doesn't hang on the wall.
It does if I hang it there.
But how can a herring whistle?
Nu, so it doesn't whistle.
    or
So I lied.
    or
I just put that in to make it harder.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 03:44 PM

Why is Father Christmas like a canary?

Because they both have beards {except the canary}.


What's green & grows and has 5 legs?

Grass {I was lying about the 5 legs}.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 01:51 PM

What's the difference between a rowboat and Joan of Arc?

One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orleans.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: michaelr
Date: 08 Jul 11 - 03:12 PM

Did you hear what happened to the young couple who didn't know the difference between K-Y lube and putty?


















All their windows fell out.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jul 11 - 08:42 AM

"Voices Speaking To Me"

A woman opened the door of a building and was
about to step outside when she heard a voice saying,
"Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." She
paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement
right where she would have been standing. She
looked around and there was no one nearby.

The next day this woman was about to step into the
street when she heard this same voice say, "Don't take
that next step or you'll regret it." As she paused a truck
came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle.
She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she
would have been hurt badly, or maybe even killed.

She looked behind her and there was no one nearby.
"All right," she said, "Who are you ?"

"I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied.

"Oh, if that's the case," the woman said, "Where
were you on my wedding day?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Jul 11 - 08:41 AM

"I'm married now for twenty years and still loving the same woman." -
"And what does your wife feel for you?" -
"Well, I think she'll kill me if she ever finds out."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: machree01
Date: 05 Jul 11 - 02:44 PM

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Jul 11 - 06:40 PM

Computer Haiku

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows 7 crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash
reduces your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 04 Jul 11 - 02:59 PM

I'm so glad Wimbledon's finished.


It's just a big racket, isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jul 11 - 01:05 PM

Warning... not a PC joke.

Two Newfies, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.

Subject: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 11 - 12:58 PM

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in
the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly
piled up in all directions while a woman rushed
to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his
collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed
her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had
a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took
from his pocket a small paperback book, called
"The Pocket Guide to First Aid", took the sick
man's pulse, and prepared to administer
artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and
said, "When you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm already here."