BS: Helpful hints

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon
Date: 07 Oct 04 - 06:43 AM

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Oct 04 - 08:19 PM

...and the fumes they give off will mean that you can give up smoking!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 06 Oct 04 - 07:05 AM

Heavy smokers (and indeed thin ones):
Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 09:29 PM

..or whom you no longer like...

You may find it easier to rip out entire pages to reduce the size. The resultant few pages are much easier to carry around.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Martian Gibbon
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 05:48 PM

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 12:56 PM

True, Georgian, I been managing with a little less than a foot,
but I want to keep what I got...

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 12:51 PM

But only if you wear Margaret Thatcher's underpants... she wasn't called "The Iron Lady" for nothing...

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 12:41 PM

I think rather than strong boots I would have worn strong underpants...one can manage without a foot but......
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: frogprince
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 12:24 PM

A. You don't have to be crazy to be a nudists
B. Some nudists are just as crazy as some other people.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: JennyO
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 11:34 AM

Never use a chainsaw while in the nude!

Years ago when I was married and living out in the country, we had nudist neighbours who actually did this! He did wear his good strong boots though.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 11:31 AM

If you're a carpenter/joiner don't bite your nails
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 11:30 AM

Why not jOhn, I'm sure a lady friend could think of something that you could do with the excess!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:47 AM

Don't buy loads of ice cream if youv'e only got a little freezer.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Secretfriend
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:37 AM

if your doing something naughty keep your mouth shut

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:34 AM

Why! pretening to be a horse on cobblestones!

Skipy1

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:28 AM

The sound of a border collie doing what?

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 07:15 AM

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.

Never purchase a small, stupid, slave- it's not big, and it's not clever.

Never argue with seven desperados, if all you're packing is a six-gun.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 05:51 AM

We need a volunteer to test it.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 04:07 AM

Allegedly:

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 04:06 AM

Cheaper than Prozac, and no side effects!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 05 Oct 04 - 04:00 AM

Just found this new one.

When really depressed....

Go read a bunch of Sir jOhn of Hull's posts.

I feel better every time.

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 08:46 PM

I've been told that if you get a couple of coconut shells you can make the sound of a border collie.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 08:26 PM

The worst people in the world are those with no sense of doubt.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 07:35 PM

If you follow this suggestion, you'll never have to weed your garden again:

Just learn the Latin names of all the weeds. If anyone looks askance at your garden, just ask them, "Would you like to see my Portulaca oleracea?" Then make up a story about how your grandmother used to grow it for its medicinal properties, and you grow it now in remembrance of her.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 07:17 PM

Then there's the words to live by that I gleaned from two different sources --

From a friend in the dip corps (diplomatic service) --

1. Never lie.
2. Never tell all of the truth.
3. Never pass up an opportunity to use the loo.

And from a cowgirl friend --

Keep your drinks money separate from your bail money.

Combined, the advice will keep you out of a LOT of trouble . . .

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 09:44 AM

and water on the knee...drainpipe trousers.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: JennyO
Date: 04 Oct 04 - 09:29 AM

...and of course the cure for a person with water on the brain is a tap on the head.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Oct 04 - 08:11 AM

Never walk under a cow, unless you want a pat on the head!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,skipy
Date: 03 Oct 04 - 06:42 AM

never walk under a black cat

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Blissfully Ignorant
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 11:41 PM

Never attempt to converse with someone who's just woken up with the mother of all hangovers...you would THINK that was obvious, but no! Several people have had their heads bitten off after attempting this brave, but ultimately foolish, feat...a few of them by me.

Don't eat yellow snow, never trust a man with a beard, don't give the fingers to someone bigger than you- and most importantly, ALWAYS remember that th oompa-loompas are out to get you, and they are VEEEEERY devious, with their sneaky little green haired antics....

*Slaps self* all apologies,folks... i appear to be having an episode of some kind... *twitches frequently and violently* hehehehhahahhahgogogoogo!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 09:30 PM

When I was very young, Derek Brimstone said
al, never ignore an omen....never ever walk across the M1 with your eyes closed

And Al you must never ever kick a bulldog in the bollocks, if you've got your hand in its mouth

And I've tried to live by this as a sort of code, a paradigm to aspire to, a moral absolute.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 05:44 PM

I like to share my housekeeping advice.

I find that if you have enough interesting stuff around the house for people to look at then nobody notices that the house is a complete and total mess. (Especially if certain key surfaces are shiny and all the piles of books and papers and stuff are neatly stacked, preferably over the really bad stains.)

My other bit of housekeeping advice can be summed up in one word -- tarps. (Lots of things can be tarps -- rugs, tablecloths, sheets or bedspreads . . .)

And I like to think of cat hair as a mulch -- it keeps the dust off the furniture.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 06:52 AM

oh.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 06:48 AM

jOhn you should always fry the Mars bars first I think you will find this helps, and take them out of the wrappers.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 06:27 AM

Don't go out on friday night, drink 12 pints, have a crappy kebab, then 4 mars bars, you will fell crap the next morning.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 06:24 AM

Exactly Ellenpoly shhhh HPB - some of us are taking notes, you never know when you may need some of the knowledge deposited here. This thread is developing into what could become a much sought after resource for the future.......and for someone who has very white skin, those that are extremely difficult to tan, apply Coca-Cola instead of a tanning cream it will work wonders. Do it with your partner for even more fun - next please

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 05:36 AM

Shhhh HPB...some of us are taking notes.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Hand-Pulled Boy
Date: 02 Oct 04 - 05:18 AM

Dave have you actually learnt anything from this 'ere thread or do you regret ever creating it?

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 10:33 PM

1) The Princess is Blue
2) The Pauper is Brown
3) They're BOTH Barbie!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,skipy
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 03:02 PM

before throwing a condom away rip off the rubber ring at the top and keep it, it will be useful someday as an elastic band

Skipy1

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 02:54 PM

refresh

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,skipy
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 10:20 AM

When climbing a mountain always try to maintain at least one point of contact.

skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,Skipy
Date: 01 Oct 04 - 09:21 AM

There is no such thing as a "double positive" in the English language.

Yeah right!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 09:58 AM

If you wee in your wet suit....................





you stew in your own juice.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 09:27 AM

If you consider eating a lot of baked beans...remember you have to sleep with yourself at night!
When breaking wind, always remember that sometimes it may not be wind!
In a so called "Accident", someone is always to blame!

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: MBSLynne
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 07:30 AM

"Don't sleep with anyone madder than yourself"? No problem there then!!

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 07:27 AM

For super ted: Count the messages before you post
For astronauts: Fart before you climb into your spacesuit.
For bank robbers: Never sign a receipt.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 07:02 AM

For George Bush.


From the media, Only talk to Bill O'Reiley and Dr. Phil.

No matter how lame the excuse, keep repeating it. Someone will pretend to believe you and thus you will fool those who are not paying attention.

When someone criticizes you, say that it is bad for morale.

When you criticize someone else well that's just humor.

Smirk when you say everything, then when you screw up, and you know you are gonna screw up, you can pretend you were joking.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: greg stephens
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 07:01 AM

98 I think, maybe you should try again now.

Subject: RE: BS: Helpful hints
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 06:46 AM

100! I thank you!