BS: First Joke thread for 2006

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:11 PM

Men Are

Men are like... Laxatives... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like... Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like... Blenders... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like... Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like... Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like... Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like... Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like... Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like... Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,coltish ankle
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:10 PM

Cat's Diary

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was, hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:09 PM

Daddy's Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 06:01 PM

Joey....don't forget this one...


Man who has sex on ground get piece (peace) on earth.




Hubby

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 05:57 PM

Chinese Sayings

"Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired."

"Passionate kiss like spider web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok."

"Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked around."

"Baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"War not determine who right. War determine who left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who live in glass house should change in basement."

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand"

"Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 05:51 PM

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: frogprince
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 12:49 PM

See, a guest can be worthwhile sometimes. lol.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 07:49 AM

Salesmanship

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Fidjit
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 04:50 AM

Hear about the Jew that had his pullover nicked?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: cobber
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 04:15 AM

Damn. I was just going to book a ticket to Guam in the hope of a job

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Joey
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:31 PM

another song...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:11 PM

Tommy Shaunessy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven, he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up the Irish whiskey forever."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared just ahead.
Tommy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Naemanson
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:02 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Roger the cookieless Skiffler - PM
Date: 10 Aug 05 - 09:21 AM

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I have heard this same thing from many different sources. It seems to be a very popular myth. In fact there was a writer for ESPN who made the mistake of believing it and mentioning it in a column on the internet. He got into big trouble with the Government of Guam. The senatorial representative wrote to ESPN and demanded an apology. She got it. Believe me, this one is a myth.

How do I know? I live on Guam. I have friends in the community. Some of those friends are experts in the history and culture of the island, past and present. This was never the case and it certainly would not be allowed now. Guam has been a Christian society, mostly Catholic, since the 18th century. The priests would be horrified and the parents on this island would be outraged at the idea.

Makes a good story but be careful who you repeat it to.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 02:20 PM

I didn't realise I'd sent that one to you too gnu.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: gnu
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 02:18 PM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice: "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 09:24 AM

Could this turn this into a music thread?
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 09:16 AM

How are gypsies and cigarettes similar ?
They come in 10's or 20's and are barred out of every pub in the Irish Republic.

The M2 motorway out of Belfast is being named after George Best.
It's always blocked.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 12:11 PM

"The Lament Of The Second"

The grief-stricken man threw himself at the
grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how
senseless is it! How worthless this carcass
about me, because you are gone. If only you
had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel
as to take you from this world, how everything
would have been different!"

A clergyman nearby overheard him and said,
"I assume the person lying beneath this
mound of earth was someone of great
importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man.
"It's my wife's first husband!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: wlisk
Date: 07 Feb 06 - 08:38 AM

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says,

" I just let a silent fart.
         What do you think I should do?"

He replies
       " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Folkiedave
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 07:48 PM

The alternative version goes:

"Why were you speeding?"

"My wife left me for a policeman and I thought you were giving her back....."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,Noddy
Date: 06 Feb 06 - 12:01 PM

A driver is pulled over by the police.

"You were speeding there sir" says the oficer "that was 31 in a 30 limit"

Oh is that bad" Says the driver.

Yes sir I m writing you a ticket.

You know says the driver I tried to join the police force once but wasnt allowed in.

Oh what happened you failed the medical or what.

No my parents were married.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 07:53 PM

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him
Heather, 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

Don't squat with your spurs on:
Noronha, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:
Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. --
Traci, 14

Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tictac
Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 07:45 PM

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She moved around to see each child's work. As the teacher got to little Sally, who was working away diligently, she asked what the drawing was going to be.

Sally replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher asked, "But don't you know that nobody really knows what God looks like?"

Without looking up from her drawing, Sally replied, "They will in a minute."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Alba
Date: 05 Feb 06 - 01:44 PM

refresh...some fresh air up at the top is needed me thinks:)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Feb 06 - 09:41 PM

What's the difference between a regular rodeo and a gay rodeo?

At a regular rodeo, people yell, "Ride that sucker!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Feb 06 - 03:56 PM

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to have to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and artificial fluids to keep me going. If that ever happens, just pull the plug and let me die with dignity."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV, threw out all of his beer and called the undertaker.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: frogprince
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 09:48 PM

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. ---Groucho Marx

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 07:17 PM

Or as Ozzie Osborne said..."Christmas is a time for all the family to be together...but there are some good things about it as well"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 04:50 PM

Google's Quote of the Day, today, Feb 3, 2006

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
- Hunter S. Thompson

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: menzze
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 06:06 AM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 05:46 AM

An ecumenical joke stolen from Barry Cryer:
On a train in Ireland, man comes down the aisle
"Is there a priest on the train, it's a desperate emergency?"
No response.
Comes back the other way. "Is there a vicar on the train then, it's really serious?"
No response.
Tries again. "Is there a rabbi on the train, we can't hang on much longer?"
No response. A man puts his hand up. "I'm a Methodist lay preacher, can I help?"
"No use to us, man, you won't have a corkscrew!"

Rts

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bert
Date: 03 Feb 06 - 02:15 AM

The courthouse here in Colorado Springs has a false front to the building. But they'll still make YOU swear to tell the truth.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:45 PM

LOL

That is very good, Ron.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Ron Davies
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:43 PM

This year, both groundhog day and the State of the Union address occur on the
same day.

As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one
involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little
intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Mr Happy
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 08:06 PM

I asked the waiter
for a chicken Tarka
he said do you mean
a chicken Tika
I said no Tarka
it's like a tika
but "A little otter"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:34 PM

Every set of funny quotes sent around in e-mail seems to be attributed to George Carlin, usually falsely.

I'm pretty sure those ones above are from Lewis Black. I know for sure the "constitution" one is.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:13 PM

Two old guys are pushing their carts around WalMart when they inadvertently collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I was looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she's 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big breasts and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From:
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:02 PM

3 guys get stranded on an island with a tribe of cannabals. After struggle they are all caught. The leader says "I will grant each of you one wish and then we will kill you and turn your skin into boats."

The first guy says "I want a gun." The leader gives him a gun and he kills a couple of them and they catch him and turn his skin into a boat.

The second guy says "I want a grenade." The leader gives him a grenade and he throws it and kills a few of them and they catch him and turn his skin into a boat.

The third guy says"I want a knife." The leader gives him a knife and he repeatedly starts stabbing himself saying "screw your boats, screw your boats."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 12:13 PM

I did search his website, Wesley, thanks. Found one reference to his ten commandment piece, but could not find the text. I've written back to my friend who emailed it to me, a fellow Texan, btw, and asked for his source. He is not the type to send out spam and/or unsubstantiated quotes, so I believe it is Carlin. We'll see what he says.:-) Glad you liked it, anyway.

kat

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 11:18 AM

I doubt that George Carlin wrote any of those things Kat. Check out his website - he gives the lowdown on how often he is misquoted.

But whoever wrote it - it's funny stuff.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 10:40 AM

LOL!!

George Carlin is still spot on:

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall
Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates
a hostile work environment!


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer
now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking
around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing
to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 02 Feb 06 - 05:58 AM



    "Who's there?"

    "Man with a limp."

    "Man with a limp what?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Feb 06 - 07:17 PM

"Moses Behind Enemy Lines"

Ten year old Mikey, was asked by his mother
what he had learned in Vacation Bible School.

"Well, Mommy, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission
to lead His Chosen People out of Egypt. When he
got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a
pontoon bridge and all the people walked across
safely. Then he used his cell phone to call
headquarters for reinforcements. They called in
an air strike of the Israeli Air Defense to take out
the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Mikey, is that really what your teacher taught
you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher
did, you'd never believe it!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 31 Jan 06 - 09:38 AM

"Daddy, do all fairy stories begin :'Once upon a time' ?"
"No, son, they can also begin: 'If you elect me, I promise....'"

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Peace
Date: 30 Jan 06 - 03:21 PM

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," Rodney retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's a hoot," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks --too bloody much. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in Africa on safari and you told that witch doctor to go fuck himself!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: HuwG
Date: 30 Jan 06 - 02:50 PM

A man once had his girlfriend's name tattooed on his penis. They split up. She said he was trying to put words into her mouth.

<g>

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 10:46 AM

Got this one from the BBC and I thin......

Did you hear about the chap who looked up "paranoid" in the dictionary?
It said


















What do you want to know for?

Auto

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 19 Jan 06 - 04:55 AM

How do hedgehogs reproduce?


















Cautiously.
Very, very cautiously

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 13 Jan 06 - 01:28 AM

Terrorists capture Bill Clinton, Al Gore And George Bubbya Bush. They sentence them to death by firing squad. First they put Clinton up against a wall. Just before the firing squad shoots him, he yells "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone runs for cover, and Clinton jumps over the wall and escapes.

Gradually, the firing squad reassembles, and puts Gore up against the wall. Just before they are goinig to shoot him, he yells, "LOOK OUT! A TORNADO!!!"

Everyone runs for cover, and Gore jumps over the wall and escapes.

Meanwhile, Dubbya has been watching all this, and thinks to himself, "I get it. Just before the execution, I yell out an alarm of some natural disaster, and everyone scatters, and I can escape." The squad puts him up against the wall. Just before they shoot, Dubbya yells out

















FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke thread for 2006
From: The Walrus
Date: 12 Jan 06 - 06:26 AM

A man walks into the street and the moment he steps onto the curb and raises his hand a taxi swings by and stops. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You just landing a taxi without waiting. Thats the sort of think Frank would have done."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. Now there's an amazing guy who did everything right. Never a foot wrong. Whatever he did, its was perfect, like he didnt even need to try."

Passenger: "Nobodys perfect. Everyone has a few clouds over them"

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. And he drove like a dream, calm, collected and was never late for anything."

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. He knew what a lady wanted in bed too, sensitive. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
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Cabbie: "I married his f***in' widow."