BS: Any New Jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:07 PM

Travel warnings---

Canadians in Australia

Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.

When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.

"Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.

"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.

"Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:02 PM

how about a poem for the season?

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by
name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:00 PM

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this seems worse than usual.”

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, “Officer, what’s the hold up?”

The officer replies, “The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Nigeria, and now the NBC White House reporter Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for the sexual innuendo he made to her at his recent press conference. So we’re taking up a collection for him.”

The lobbyist asks, “How much have you got so far?”

The officer replies, “About 14 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.”

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:24 PM

IT'S TIME TO GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL IF...


You consider it a culinary success when the Pop-Tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbors'to eat.

Your family buys Alka-Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

The E.P.A. insists that all your garbage cans be marked with bio-hazard symbols.

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to buy lottery tickets instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on fish bait instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't fished in 20 years!"

"Will you use the money to buy a ticket to the Chiefs game?" the man asked.

"Are you crazy?" the homeless man replied. "I wouldn't pay to see folks beat upon other folks. I have seen enough of that on the streets."

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, ball games, gambling, and fishing."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:41 PM

Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the woman in the first car doesn’t notice it. A man in the car behind her is watching traffic pass around them. He starts pounding on his steering wheel and yelling at the woman to move. The woman doesn’t move. The man is going ballistic inside his car, ranting and raving at the woman, pounding on his steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the man begins to blow the car horn, flips her off, and screams profanity and curses at the woman.

The woman looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The man is beside himself, screaming in frustration as he misses his chance to get through the intersection. As he is still in mid-rant he hears a tap on his window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells him to turn off his engine while keeping both hands in sight. Then the policeman orders him to exit his car with his hands up. He gets out of the car and is ordered to turn and place his hands on his car. He turns, places his hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. He is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where he is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. He is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with his personal effects. He hands him the bag containing his things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the lady off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at her. Then I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do?” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

“So, naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:54 PM

Dang!! Someone's been spilling the Inner Workings of Gumint Handbook to the public!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:11 PM

Working For the Government

You know you work for the government when:

The process becomes more important than the product

You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you
know nothing about

You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there

You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one
answering them.

You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+
people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money

You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym

You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms

You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its
importance.
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor
(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention

You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3
years, but have had 3 different business cards

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:33 PM

Carnation Milk

A little lady from Wisconsin had worked around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk -- with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940s or '50s?), she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all..." She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms, I can do this!

She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much; we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Here is her entry:

================================



Carnation milk is best of all,

no tits to pull, no shit to haul,

no stalls to wash, no hay to pitch,

just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 11:17 PM

LOL!! Brings back fond memories of the days long ago when I actually talked to people who had that sort of question!! :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 10:45 PM

The Abbott & Costello routine "Who's on first" revisited!

ABBOTT:   Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOTT:   Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT:   What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT:   Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT:   Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:   Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:   I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT:   Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT:   Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT:   The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT:   Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT:   You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT:   The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT:   Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT:   No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT:   Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT:   No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But
I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on.
What do you have to help me track of my money?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:   No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT:   Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT:   No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT:   Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT:   Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT:   Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT:   Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT:   If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT:   Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT:   No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home usiness.
You know - accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT:   Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT:   More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might ... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT:   GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT:   GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT:   I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT:   No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.

ABBOTT:   Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 09:38 PM

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction
rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7
in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless
message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through
extreme brevity.

Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
-----------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
------------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
---------------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
---------------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
---------------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
---------------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But ! we never will.
------------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
---------------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Now, isn't that better than "Your computer has performed an illegal
operation"?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM

"Two Men And One Woman...."

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian Men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

- The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/store/ restaurant/laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees and customers for their store.

- The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a darn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this heaven-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 01:29 PM

"The bishop is a long time coming" said the Duchess. Pouring tea with her left hand.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 10:53 AM

One woman says to another, "I want to have a baby more then anything, I see your pregnant, did you do anything special?" Lady replies, "I went to a faith healer." First woman says, "My husband & I did that too." Her friend answered, "Next time go alone."

Young fellow to store clerk, "I'm looking for a present for my aunt, she's very rich & very old." Clerk thought a moment & then said, "How about some floor wax?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 09:58 PM

Good One Bill!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 08:01 PM

Back in the day..

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

I remember promising myself that when I got old, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it. But..Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

I hate to say it - but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it. I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet - we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves. And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen - and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox; it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napster. You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself, or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up.

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn, you had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7- 11.

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal. We didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes, either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square, you had to use your imagination. There were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! You could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died - just like LIFE.

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height. If a tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels, and there was no on-screen menu. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on - and there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...We had to wait ALL WEEK to watch them, you spoiled little bastards!

Kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God. You guys wouldn't lasted five minutes back in 1984!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 07:58 PM

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Queensland with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week but this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and we will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught any fish…

He says "Yes, a lot of Trout, some Redfin, and a few Catties. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies. "I did, they were in your tacklebox!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 07:00 PM

Subject: hotel soap

What to Do With Hotel Soap

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you, S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is
satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if
I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid, Dotty

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the **** left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one **** bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,

- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid
further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 06:07 PM

Did he get reelected?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Big Tim
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 03:43 PM

About 20 years ago a Northern Ireland unionist politician said that "all Catholics should be incinerated". Henceforth he was known a a burn again Christian. (This is a true one!)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 11:10 PM

Have not thought of this one in years-but Rapaire's post above brought it to mind.

Old lady goes to the butcher shop for a chicken. Tells the butcher,"bout 4 pounds, nice & plump."He brings one out to her on butcher's paper, she checks it over, no feathers, nice & white, she spreads the legs and puts her nose in the cavity and takes a deep breath to see if it's fresh. The butcher is ticked off & says, "Hey Lady, do you think you could you pass that test?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 09:24 PM

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING....

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 10:41 AM

An old maid tells the young lawyer who's making her will that she has ten thousand dollars. She wants five thousand put aside for burial costs, and the rest is for him --- if he'll spend the night with her---so that she will not die a virgin. Three days later the lawyer hasn't come home. His wife goes to the old maid's house and demands. "Where's my husband?" " He's here. I decided to let the town bury me."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 02:10 PM

This just in:

At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.

"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with Al, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."

"Just what is that message, Mrs. Gore?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.

To which Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush."

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 08:00 PM

Schwarzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use his

Clinton uses his all the time

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:51 PM

May not qualify as a new joke 'cos I whipped it from another website, but I think it's worth passing on.

"It's all about training ...

Careless Code Recycling Causes Killer Kangas:
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and -- in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix, herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively ... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to."


Taliban 'Roos ??

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:14 PM

I heard the other day that Rick Fielding was parked downtown and halfway to the bank when he remembered that he'd left his car door unlocked and his banjo sitting out in plain view on the back seat.

He turned around and rushed back, but it was already too late.

Somebody had already gotten there first and there were three more banjos tossed on top of his.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 12:50 PM

I don't know if this is an urban legend, or a true story. I hope it's true -- but it's so good, it doesn't really matter.

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.

Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled
over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to
draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.

The embarrassed thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: gnu
Date: 26 Nov 03 - 06:01 AM

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's toilet!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 02:06 AM

A longer one:

Mother to her daughter:
"And always remeber - the ideal man man to marry must be thrifty, stupid and chaste."
After a long weekend the daughter tells her mother:
"Mummy, I think I have found him!
He is thrifty: he rented only one room for us both.
He is stupid: He put the pillow under my butt.
And he is chaste: He had him still wrapped in plastic."

And here a short one, musical:
Two trombone players are passing a pub ...

Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 11:12 PM

Peter. Eew. The mind boggles. Speaking of bad taste,

"Mom, why does the dog keep licking his a**hole?"
"He's trying to get the taste of your father's meatballs out of his mouth."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 05:16 PM

Fellow wants the local police to arrest his neighbor for petty theft. Cop asks,"What did he steal?" Guy says, "My wife---a piece at a time."


Very picky lady is reviewing the dinner menu and can't decide. Waiter says, "The tongue is very tasty tonight." She says, "Do you think I would put something in my mouth that has been in somebody elses mouth?" He thinks a moment and says,"How about an egg sandwich?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Midchuck
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 03:22 PM

SueB: That joke was originally about a tired old prostitute and a Koala Bear, and was in vastly worse taste than your version. Vastly.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 03:14 PM

A flasher was running through the park, where he approached a bench with three little old ladies.

He stopped, flashed open his raincoat, and the first little old lady had a stroke. He flashed the second old lady, and she had a stroke.

He flashed the third little old lady, but she couldn't reach that far.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 02:47 PM

In the 1950s a music critic was asked to go see a new saxophone
player at a local club. This was the umpteenth sax player he had
endured in the recent years.

One of the player's friends came up regularly and asked questions
like "what do you think of his style?" and "how about his tone?". When
the fan asked the critic "what do you think of his execution?", the
man replied "I'm in favor of it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 12:25 AM

So, a panda walks into a bar...orders a sandwich, refuses to pay, draws a gun and fires it at the waitress, and takes off. The bartender looks up "panda" in the encyclopedia: it says, "Eats shoots and leaves."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 09:00 PM

How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?

She's the one kissing the golden retriever.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 08:51 PM

Why don't WASPs like orgies?
Too many thank-you notes to write.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:33 PM

GROAN! I saw that one coming from a long way off. . . and I still read it! Very well done!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: the lemonade lady
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:27 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog say's it's Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what on earth is it?" The bank manager replies, "It's a knick-knack Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: McMusic
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 02:44 AM

Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No eye deer.

Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.

Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs that is in rut?
A: Still f***ing no eye deer.

ANOTHER ONE:
Three men are standing before St. Peter.
"How much did you earn last year?" He asked the first soul.
"St. Peter, I made $275,000."
"What did you do for a living?" St. Peter then asked.
"I was a doctor."
St. Peter nodded and waved him through the gates.

He repeated the question to the second soul.
"St. Peter," the second soul replied, "I made $150, 000."
"What did you do for a living to make tha much?"
"Why, St. Peter, I was a lawyer."
St. Peter nodded and waved him through the gates.

The third soul now stepped up.
"And how much money did you make last year"
St. Peter, I made $10, 000."
To which, St. Peter then asked, "What musical instrument did you play?

Cheers.
Kevin

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 01:08 AM

Deda, That Johnny is one smart kid! Too bad he can't vote.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Deda
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:52 AM

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a Howard Dean fan."

The teacher asks why he's a Howard Dean fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom and my Dad are Howard Dean fans, so I'm a Howard Dean fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom
was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:24 AM

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
"Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:10 AM

While the man savored a double martini at the local bar, an attractive women sat down next to him.

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice.

The man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?" she asked.

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:06 AM

A saleswoman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine I got for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for awhile, nods several times and says,

"Good trade."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 10:53 PM

lol. Great.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 09:13 PM

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his
wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said
excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my
student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what
you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true
or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his
wife.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 04:14 PM

http://www.angelfire.com/md2/customviolins/bushprovis1a.jpg