BS: Any New Jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Johnny in OKC
Date: 05 Jan 04 - 03:01 AM

LOTTERY

A bandleader won the State Lottery. A TV crew showed up
at his house to deliver the check for $850,000 and get an
interview. "What are your plans for all that money?" they asked.

"I've always loved music, so I'm just going to stay
in the band business until all the money is gone."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: freda underhill
Date: 04 Jan 04 - 08:18 AM

Subject: Fw: Women Drivers .........


Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over
to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per
hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she
was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!

It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between
my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing
me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my
shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL



F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Jan 04 - 11:02 AM

Wife is making coffee, husband walks by & pinches her behind and says, If you could firm that up, we could get rid of your girdle. She says nothing. Next morning as he walks by, he pinches her breast. He says if you could firm that up, we could get rid of your bra. She suddenly grabs his penis and says If you could firm this up, we could get rid of the pool man, the gardener and your brother!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 03:48 PM

An accordion player and a banjo player are hired to play together on New Year's Eve. At the end of the party, the guy who hired them says, "You guys were great. You want to play for me again next New Year's Eve?"

The banjo player says, "Sure. Can we leave our stuff?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 31 Dec 03 - 01:01 PM

"Would you like a ticket for The Policeman's Ball?"

"I'm sorry, I don't dance."

"It's not a dance, it's a raffle!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 08:53 PM

Q: Why wasn't anyone surprised that Saddam Hussein was found in a spider hole?


A: Because he's an Iraqnid!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nemesis
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 06:29 PM

As it's Christmas :)
FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE OF THE SEASON
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates. "
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols
..............

George Bush was at Buckingham Palace during his State visit taking tea with the Queen: "Ma'am, I'm thinking maybe as President that I should change the way America is referred to - I thought about maybe calling it a Kingdom?"
Queen: "Well, that wouldn't be possible because Kingdoms have to have a King as Head of State and you're not a King".

Dubya thought for a bit: "How about a Principality - could I call the US a Prinicipality?"
Queen: "Again, no Mr Bush ... a Principality has a Prince as Head of State"
Dubya: "Well, mebbe an Empire - I could call it an Empire!"
Queen: "Empires have an Emperor in charge .. so you couldn't call it an empire. IN fact" She said in a queenly manner, " I think under the circumstances the United States is best referred to as a country"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 04:16 PM

It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 04:13 PM

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

      "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."

      "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My
wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her
about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 03 - 01:58 PM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't tink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 09:20 PM

A couple had been married for twenty years and were having their anniversary dinner when suddenly the man burst out crying.
"Why, darling, whatever is the matter?"
"You remember back in 1983 when your daddy, the sherrif, caught us screwing in the barn?'
"Yes, darling."
"And he said that I would marry you or go to jail for twenty years?"
"Yes, darling, why do you ask?"
At this response the man bawled uncontrollably,
"I would be getting out today!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 09:09 PM

He...Darlin' I sure would to have a little pussy.

She...Me too, mine's as big as a barn.

eheheheheheheheheheheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Big Mick
Date: 29 Dec 03 - 07:48 PM

With apologies to the master of the pun, El Punster Gigante, Senor Art Thieme.

TRIP TO THE DENTIST

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Dec 03 - 08:05 AM

Bush Has Tea With the Queen

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Li'l Aussie Bleeder.
Date: 25 Dec 03 - 02:42 PM

Two snakes making their way across the desert. one snake says "Hey Barry are we venomous?" Barry says "Yeah, why?" 1st snake says "I dust bit my tongue!!!!!!

Merry Chrithmath all
L

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 06:45 PM

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

   Christmas with Louise

   As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.

   I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"

   Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

   On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

   The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

   My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

   My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

   The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

   It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

   I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 01:08 PM

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family's Christmas dinner. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 12:43 PM

The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly:


If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.

Always drink from the bottle labeled "XXX." The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.

Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.

Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it's impossible.

If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.

Never drink with Tyler Schneeklov.

While standing in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. yelling expletives at your ex-girlfriend, wear light-colored clothing so motorists can see you.

Once you get married and have kids, stop drinking tons of whiskey and switch to drinking tons of wine.

Always re-cap your flask between swigs. This lengthens the amount of time between drinks.

Don't mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.

Don't drink and drive. Disregard this if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.

If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.

Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.

Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Naemanson
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:06 PM

The old farmer came into town for the first time in years. One of the astonishing sights he saw was a bright shiny grocery store. He wandered in, doubt and cynicism on his face until he spied a pile of boxes labeled "Powdered Milk". He stood there amazed at the thought of never having to tend to his cows, no more early rising to feed and milk them, no more cutting hay, no more shoveling the manure out of the barn. He went on and stopped at a dispaly of powdered eggs. He thought about how much he would like to get rid of his laying hens. He would just keep a few chickens for meals. He would no longer have to defend the stupid birds from foxes and coyotes, no longer have to gather the eggs every day, no longer have to clean out the hen house. He wandered on, wonder in his eyes, till he saw a display of baby powder. He looked at it and said, "Nope! The old ways are best!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:18 AM

Found this bit on another webpage - Enjoy !

Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All Done? Check your answers below!













ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ








1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.



What do you mean you failed?

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Mickey191
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 03:37 AM

Priceless Amos! LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 12:59 AM

>Bush in Hell
>
>One day in the future, George Dumbya Bush has a heart attack and dies.
>He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
>
>"I don't know what to do" says the devil. "You're on my list, but I
>have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
>you what I'm going to do. Believe it or not I've got some folks here
>who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
>have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
>Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first
>room. In it was Ronald Reagan and the Pacific Ocean. He kept swimming
>to shore, but was pulled out by the tide over and over again. Such was
>his fate in hell. "No," George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good
>swimmer & I really don't think I could do that all day long."
>
>The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a
>sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
>hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my
>shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
>day," said George.
>
>The devil opened a third door. Inside, Bill Clinton was lying on a bed
>with his arms tied behind his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose.
>Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked
>in disbelief and finally said, "Yep, I can handle this."
>
>
>The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Seaking
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 07:24 PM

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelmimg.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave , don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:


"Dave, you're a vet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 04:57 PM

Castro hears that there's a delegation from the Galapagos Islands coming to visit. He's delighted - especially when they arrive and they have a present for him! A cute little baby Galapagos turtle!

"This is gorgeous," says Castro. "Cosita linda!"

The Galapagos Islanders are glad he likes the turtle. "They can live for 400 years," they tell Castro. His face falls.

"Oh, that's the trouble with animals," he says. "You get so attached to them, then they go and die on you."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 11:48 PM

Irish Farmer was feeding his pigs one day, as he moved around, 3 one pound notes fell from shirt pocket. Before he could pick them up a pig had them swallowed. He took the pig to the vet & was advised that some Irish whiskey might help the pig to spit the notes up. Off he went to the pub and ordered a triple shot of Jamesons. He gave the pig the first shot and gave a little kick to the pig, & up came a pound note. There was an English tourist watching the procedure, he offered the farmer 50 quid for the pig. Farmer ignored him. He poured the second shot down the pig's throat & gave a little kick & up popped a second pound note. English man offered 100 quid for the pig. Once again he was ignored. The farmer poured the last shot, kicked the pig & the last note was popped out. English tourist says, "I'll give you 500 quid for that pig." Farmer says, "He's all yours."

A week later the farmer is reading the local
paper. The headline caught his attention:                  
ENGLISHMAN JAILED FOR KICKING A PIG TO DEATH

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 11:50 AM

Prostitute to man: "Hi handsome! Want to have sex?"

Man to prostitute: "Sure. But only if you do it like my wife does."

Prostitute: "I can do it in any way you want it, baby. How does she do it?"

Man: "For free."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Butch
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 11:36 AM

A good looking rich guy walks into a bar, dressed to kill but with a head the size of a base ball.

The bartender asks if he was born like that, he said," No, never trust a genie in a bottle!"

He said that he had been tapped on an island when he found a bottle on the beach, as he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him three wishes. He said wish one was to be on his private 140' ocean crusier with a full crew, headed for one of his private estates to count his $500 million in cash and gold and $200 million in Swiss banks. "POOF" there he was. Next, since he was rich beyond his wildest dreams, he wanted a great body instead of his dumpy middle age self. He wanted great taste in clothing and never gain an ounce of fat regardless of what he might eat so that he could always look good. "Poof" so it was. HE could not think of a third request but the genie was really cute and he had not had sex in months. He told the bartender:

" When the third wish came all I could think of was sex, I asked the genie, How about a little head?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 01:56 AM

A Young Texan in N.Y. is very lonesome and he's about to head for home. He's about to buy his train ticket, when he spots a big fellow wearing a ten gallon hat & spurs. He follows him, only to lose him in the men's room. He's not at a urinal, finally he see his spurs under one of the doors. He realizes the fellow is sitting because he can't see his hat over the top of the door. He hears only the loud splashing sounds of urination. When the guy comes out, the Texan asks him why he sits just to urinate. The man explains,"Well son, I just had a hernia operation, and the Dr. told me not to lift anything too heavy.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Pseudolus
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 03:29 PM

Redneck was talkin to his son...

"Dad," said the boy, "we had us a spellin contest in school today,
and I missed on the very first word." "Damn Son", the Father said, "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, hell, no wonder you couldn't spell it, You ain't
even pronouncin' it right."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 11:45 AM

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside
and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly,"everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on
the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a
Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 07:30 PM

Well (Gawd Help Us) Christmas is comming, so I thought you all would like to know how the story of the Xmas Tree Fairy.

Once upon a time in Olde Germany there lived a Bad Baron.

Now this Bad Baron did not treat his peasents very well at all, and come Xmas they did not have anything to celibrate Yuletide with.

And the Bad Baron looked out of his castle and saw the peasents huts below and he was happy.

There was a sudden Flash !! and the Good Fairy appeared.

"Baron", she said, " Yonder peasants have no means to celebrate Christmas. Pray let me go into your woods and cut a Xmas tree for every hut"

And the Bad Barons heart was warmed, and he said "Yes !, but only one tree for every hut"

So the Good Fairy disappeared, and every hovel and hut had an Xmas Tree to celebrate Xmas.

The Good Fairy reapeared next to the bad Baron, and she had another Xmas tree in her hands.

"Baron", said the Good Fairy, "I have cut an Xmas Tree for your Castle, to bring the Yuletide spirit to you. Now where shall I put it ?"

And the Baron told the Good Fairy where she could put the extra Xmas Tree !.

And that, Boys and Girls is why the Fairy is placed at the top of a Christmas Tree.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Pied Piper
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 10:27 AM

How does Prince Charles remember his place when reading a book?














He bends down a page

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 10:13 AM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
   One day, miraculously, he came to. He motioned for her to come nearer.
   As she sat beside him and held his hand, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "Darling, I know you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to comfort me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what that tells me?"
   "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
   "I think you're bad luck."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 07:46 AM

Three sons left home and each prospered. When they got back together, they boasted about the gifts they were able to buy their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a chauffer. Beat that"

The second said, "I built a big house for mother. Beat that"

The third son smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how mother always enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her an amazing large parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took priests 12 years to teach him. All mother has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon after, their mother sent her letters of thanks: To he first son she wrote, "I'm too old to travel any more so I stay at home most of the time. I rarely use the Mercedes and the chauffer is very rude!"

To her second son she wrote, "The house you built is Really too big for me. Although I live in only one room, I have to clean the whole house."

To her last son she wrote, "You've got the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 02:59 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:41 PM

The young couple were walking on a lovely summer's evening, wanting privacy they thought of the nearby cemetery. They proceeded in and found a huge tombstone which had been knocked over. The girl lay on the tombstone. They kissed each other passionately and nature took it's course. The next morning the girl awakened with a terrible pain in her back. She asked her mother to massage her back. As she lay on her stomach, her Mother looked her over & said, "Susie, your back looks fine, but your ass died in 1892."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:37 PM

that all seems perfectly reasonable to me, except that I don't think possoms GET rabies...

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 05:04 PM

The Top 10 Problems With Holding an Election in Hell


10) Polls are inconveniently located hovering above lakes of flaming pig shit.

9) Sub-Demons always stuffing the ballot boxes with the bodies of atheists, televangelists, and sit-com writers.

8) Results are always the same:
    49.9% Hitler
    49.9% Idi Amin
      0.2% Michael Eisner

7) You'd think Satan would take your Write-in Jesus gag campaign pin in the spirit it was intended, but the thousand rabid possums feeding upon your charred flesh would suggest otherwise.

6) Harder to get unbiased election results by radio with all the stations set to Limbaugh, 24/7.

5) Low voter turnout because the first Tuesday in November is also Disembowel a Telemarketer Day.

4) Having to shovel snow after a Ralph Nader victory.

3) Tough to concentrate on a debate while your feet are nailed to the floor nuts are being ratcheted to the ceiling.

2) Who cares who wins? You're in Hell! There's still that little matter of eternal damnation.

and the Number 1 Problem With Holding an Election in Hell...

1) Due to confusing ballot layout, many voters who intended to select "Beer and a Cheeseburger" mistakenly choose "Rectal Banjo Insertion".

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 02:16 PM

A young fellow takes a summer job at a lumber camp in the north woods. He arrives on Sunday afternoon, so no one will be working till Monday, and several of the guys are showing him around the camp. As it's getting near supper, they stop at the mess hall and decide to see what's for supper.
   The cook can be seen thru the door to the kitchen, making hamburgers....but the new arrival is floored by what he sees. The cook is a fat, sweaty bloke with no shirt on, and he is grabbing balls of ground meat in his bare hands and shoving them in his armpit and giving a big "SQUEEZE", and plopping the semi-flattened patty onto the grill!

"Oh, my God!", gasps the young man, "did you see that? That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen? Do you eat those?"

"Well, he's the only one here willing to cook," says one big lumberjack, "and he does use good meat....we get used to it."

"But that IMAGE", says the kid.."I don't know how I can face the meal!"

"Well", says another guy, "then you'd probably better not watch him make doughnuts!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 12:07 PM

An other pizza joke.

The Dalai Lama goes to Pizza Hut.

Assistant asks what he'd like.

Dalai Lama asks what's on offer.

'There's cheese & tomato, ham & pepperoni, garlic sausage & pineapple,........'

Dalai Lama ponders then says brightly 'Make me one with everything!'

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:52 AM

Well the festive season's almost here, so here's a seasonal one I heard recently:

Father Christmas goes into a pizza takeaway & asks for a pizza.

The assistant asks how he wants it.

'Deep pan, crisp & Even'!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 05:08 AM

Little Johnny (smartass & hero of many jokes) is a little tired of being the only one in his class not to benefit from his teachers kindness.
Every Friday she declares a quiz question, and the first to answer it correctly gets to leave early.
One Friday Johnny goes prepared with two ping-pong balls painted black.
Once the teacher announces that it's time for the weekly quiz Johnny bounces the balls to the front of the room.
"O.k. says the teacher, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

"Sammy Davies Junior, Miss, see you Monday!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 11:47 PM

The groom asks the best man if there is any sure test to find out of the bride is a virgin. He's told to take a bucket of blue paint & a bucket of red paint & a small shovel on the honeymoon. "Paint one ball blue & one ball red, and then if she says, "That's the funniest pair of balls I've ever seen." "Hit her over the head with the shovel!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 10:37 PM

A grasshopper walks into a cocktail bar. The bartender looks up and says "it's funny you should come in, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper, mystified, says, "What? Eric?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:11 PM

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

The bartender said, "Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:37 PM

Pregnant lady knitting and saying out loud 'one plain, one purl, one Thalidomite tablet, one plain, one purl, one Thalidomite tablet, one ...' neighbour interrupts 'why the Thalidomite tablet?' Answer, 'I'm not good at sleeves'

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:28 PM

(LOL, brucie)

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:25 PM

Corporate lesson 2

A minister was driving along and saw a woman from his congregation on the side of the road,he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her dress to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The minister had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
She looked at him and immediately said, "Remember Psalm 129?"
The minister was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The lady once again looked at him and said, "You really should remember Psalm 129!"
Once again the minister apologized. "Sorry, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the woman got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the minister rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:20 PM

Bill D: And when I was a kid, if ya didn't wake up Christmas day with a hard on ya just didn't have anything to play with. Times was tough.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:14 PM

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 100 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob reaches in his wallethands her 100 dollars
and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 100 dollars
he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.