BS: Any New Jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdq
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 01:23 PM

A lady stops into a pet shop and sees a beautiful McCaw parrot for $99.
She asks the salesman " why so cheap?".

Salesman explains the the bird came from a house of prostitution and
sometimes uses coarse language.

The lady, not being that sensitive to such things, quickly agreed to buy
parrot, and took it home.

When her daughter came home from school and walked through the
front door, the bird yelled out at full volume "new whore, new whore".

The daughter cracked up laughing and agreed that the bird was a
welcome addition to the household.

Later, her husband came home and was greeted by "Hi Fred!".

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 12:58 PM

Old Lady knocks on the Hells Angels Clubhouse Door. Fellow who's Big, tatooed and dressed in leather answers and asks what she wants. "I want to join the Angels, want to ride with you." He laughs & begins to ask questions: Where's your bike-what kind-what do you do for fun-do you drink? Old Lady replies: "I have a Harley Hog, I can keep up with you guys any day of the week, I love weed, I drink 150 proof tequila." The fellow is impressed and asks one last question: "Have you ever been caught by the Fuzz?"

"No, but I've been swung by my nipples a few times."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 08:14 AM

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?!
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 02:21 PM

Mickey191,

lmao

You are indeed a character. If I'd known, I'd have sung a song, for music hath charms to soothe the savage breast.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 10:01 AM

And now Brucie you see the error of your ways--I'm a goil. Thanks for the compliment. I should have invited you in for a cup of tea. I had a nice ripe Honeydew.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 01:52 AM

But they were very nice!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 16 Nov 03 - 01:40 AM

WARNING FOR OUR WOMEN FRIENDS!!

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WARNING! ANOTHER SCAM!

Please send this to all of the women you know!!
WARNING!!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and he
asks you to show him your boobs:
DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS!
This is a scam, and he is only trying to SEE YOUR BOOBS. I wish I had heard
about this before yesterday...... I feel so stupid.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,ron
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 11:36 PM

how do you get a one armed polish man out of a tree








Wave to him

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 11:09 PM

Why are Episcopaleans bad at chess?





















Because they can't tell the difference between a bishop and a queen.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 04:41 PM

Mickey191: you are a sick man. Good joke. But a ripe melon.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 15 Nov 03 - 01:53 AM

What ever turns you on Brucie.

A young man returns to the little town of Slobodka, after a three year absence in Paris. He was an apt student & sophisticated in matters of sex. He marries his childhood sweetheart and on the wedding night goes thru a series of manual, oral & anal gymnastics, which end as he stands on the footboard of the bed and makes a perfect swan-dive into vaginal coitus with her. She complains to her parents, and they take her to the local Rabbi. He is so shocked by the story, he hits the groom on the head with the Talmud and declares the marriage annulled.The young man appeals the case to the head Rabbi in St. Petersberg. The bride's father appears and describes in detail the wedding night's gymnastics. The old Rebby listens, rubbing his beard and finally announces the groom was within his rights and the marriage is valid. "But our Rabbi said --" the Father begins to expostulate. "My dear man," says the Rabbi sympathetically,"What would a little Rabbi in Slabodka know about fancy fucking?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 14 Nov 03 - 07:19 PM

But, for sheer ecstasy, a melon!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 14 Nov 03 - 02:58 PM

Some of these toward the end have been labor intensive. Brevity being the soul of wit:

Any man who can't find what he's looking for in a hundred women, is really looking for a boy.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 09:57 PM

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townspeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: mooman
Date: 13 Nov 03 - 11:48 AM

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry; Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, returning a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But, with the lab report and the cat scan...."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: HuwG
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 09:54 PM

A pub landlord has an ancient but faithful dog. One night as the last customer leaves, he is careless as he slams the door and catches the dog's tail in it, amputating the tail. The unfortunate hound expires from the shock.

The dog goes up to Heaven. Saint Peter looks him over and says, "You can't come in without your tail. You're improperly dressed."

"But I lost the tail in the accident from which I expired", replies the dog.

"Well, you'll have to go back down and get it."

So, the dog's spirit returns to Earth, goes to the pub and bangs on the door. The landlord opens a window, leans out and shouts, "What do you want at this time of night ?"

"I've come for my tail", replies the ghostly hound.

The landlord shouts back, "You'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm not licensed to retail spirits after eleven o'clock."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 09:50 PM

Two For Caffeine Addicts...

The Joy of Coffee
                        Anon

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in
green pastures: it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for
its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I
will fear no Equal (tm): for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar
they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez:
thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness
and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

~~~~~~~~~~
The Caffeinated Cross
                        (A Javacrucian Ritual)
The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled "The Mystery of the StarBuck".

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

"LATTE" Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

"MOCHA" Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

"CAPPUCHINO" Bring it across to your right shoulder:

"FRAPPUCHINO" Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

"ARABICA, OH MAN!"

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:

"BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"

"BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"

"AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"

"AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"

"FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"

"WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean.

This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 09:12 PM

beadie, you deserve this one.

Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They get wasted. At one minute to closing time the giraffe begins to stumble toward the door. He passes out. The guy starts to leave. The bartender says, "Hey, fellow, you gonna leave that lyin' there?" Guy replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 06:29 PM

A little boy is asked by his father what he would like for his up and coming birthday.. a computer ...a mobile phone.... a mountain bike ?

the young boy to his fathers surprise says a tortioise
A tortoise? queeries the Father
Yes a tortoise replies the young lad.

The father scours for a pet shops for miles around and finaly finds one and yes it sells tortoises., although they are very hard to come by now as no body wants them nowadays.

The father returns home and gives his son the tortoise who is simply over the moon with it.

Three days later as the father is preparing to leave for work he looks at the toroise in its little hut .It is motionless. On closer inspection he discovers great blisters oozing on the underside of the tortoise the shell of which has broken and flaked away. The poor creature is dead.
Realising the loss his son will feel he dives into his car races across town to the shop and as luck has it get another just like the first and gets back home in time to swap them without the son knowing.

However four days later he notices the second tortoise in the same state, the shell flaking away and great oozing blisters on the poor creature and as the first ..dead.

Again he jumps in the car and races across town to the shop. This time he protests vehemently to the shop owner. He replies he has never seen anything like it and gives a replacement tortoise and refunds the initial payment as a sign of good will. The father gets back in time the second time and the son knows nothing.

Four days later the father looks at the tortoise and like the first two the underside of the shell has flaked away completely. and there is a mass of blisers ooozing gunge.

Again he takes the tortoise to the shop and complains . The shop keeper is mystified and explains that all his toroises are home bred and have been for the past twenty years and never has he seen anything like it. He phones other pet shops and they have never witnessed such a thing with any tortoise. The shop keeper gives the man his prize stud tortoise and goes with him to the house to view the situation. This time however the young boy has risen early and has found the hut empty and is in tears at the loss of his pet. He has been staring at the hut the door whic is open and thinks it has escaped just as the father and shop owner appear with tortoise number four. THe boys eyes light up at he sight of his pet. He grabs it fooled once again and delighted.
The father breaths a sigh of relief and he and the shop owner watch the young boy play with his pet.


VRROOOMM   VRRROOOM VRROOMMMM he shrieks as he pushes the tortoise over and over again across the gravel path .........

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: beadie
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 04:45 PM

So, this bear comes down out of the woods on a hot, dry, dusty day.
Its a small, one horse sort of town with a dirt main street and a single saloon. The bear walks into the bar and spies nought but the barkeep and a nasty looking, mangy old dog lying on the floor in the corner. The bear bellies up to the bar and says, "Good sir, please draw me a beer." The barman replies, "I'm sorry, but the rules say that I cannot serve a beer to a bear in this bar."

The bear, says, "Never fear, my man, I have money to pay for my libation," and he pulls out a couple of bucks and puts them on the bar. The tender says, "Money is not the issue, here, the rules say that I can't serve a beer to a bear in this bar."

The bear, now becoming irritated, says, "Rules, schmools, there's no one here except that dog, and she ain't talking, and me, and I ain't going to talk, and you, and I KNOW that you don't want to tell anybody about this little rule infraction. So, put a cold one right here in front of me and no one's the wiser." The bartender falls back on the same old, "Rules is rules and the rules say no beer for the bear in this bar."

The bear now gets up off of the stool and says, "Look, I've tried being nice, but if you don't give me a beer, RIGHT NOW, I'm going to have to do something terrible to that dog of yours. The bartender says, I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. I can't serve a beer to a bear in this bar."      So, the bear eats the dog.

Climbing back up on to the barstool, the bear says, "I didn't really want to do that, but perhaps now you understand the depth of my need. Please give me a beer." The bartender, sobbing at the loss of his old friend, says, "I can't. The rules haven't changed, and the rules say that I can't serve a beer to a bear in this bar, . . . especially when the bear is on drugs."

Taken aback, the bear thunders, "DRUGS, what DRUGS?"

The bartender says, "That, sir, was a bar bitch you ate."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: DaveA
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 04:05 PM

Woops - my cookie had gone missing & I hadn't noticed....

Order now restored, I offer this account of an "innocent Aussie who fell into bad company in Texas" as penance!!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named HUGH, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast of Australia: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

HUGH: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

HUGH: Keep out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

HUGH: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Butcher's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

HUGH: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

HUGH: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The bitch who made this seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

HUGH: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

HUGH: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Kate's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Aussie, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

HUGH: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 04:02 PM

Having seen the same face at the dole officer for ten years, the Employment Officer decides he's had enough and sorts out a labouring job for the ne'er do well. It's at a welding shop and he's told to report to the stores to collect his gear. The storeman lists off the stuff:

"One pair overalls, chest 42; One pair steel-toed safety boots, size 12; One broom; One pair safety goggles; ..."

"What's the safety goggles for?"

"The sparks"

"You'll get no f*ckin' sparks off MY broom pal!"

biddum ... chrrrr

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 03:33 PM

Well, if it's shaggy dog stories you want.....

One cold winters day in England, an old derelict was mooching along a quiet country lane when he heard a scream from behind the hedgerow. Some curiosity stirred within him and he peered over the hedge to see a frozen pond with a hole in it and a child struggling to clamber out. Old instincts resurfaced and he dashed to the rescue, somehow negotiating the treacherous ice and lifting the girl (for it was indeed a young girl) to safety.

As he carried her to the bank, a Rolls pulled up in the lane and a frantic father came rushing to see if his child was alright. On seeing that she was scared, drenched but essentially OK, he succumbed to emotion and offered the old stiff anything he wanted in reward – money, a home, clothes anything.

The derelict gathered a few shreds of dignity and quietly said he had only done what any Christian soul would have done and please do not belittle me with rewards for correct conduct. But the father persisted and eventually the rescuer confessed that there was no point in trying to resurrect his life as he would only drink it all away again. So, if the father really wanted to do something for him, he'd accept 50 quid and a lift to the next town with a pub but that was all that was necessary. So the grateful, if bemused, father gave him a fifty and drove him into town.

On being let out, the dero wandered off in search of a pub, but as he went, he saw an ad in a travel agency for cheap cruises, and he thought to himself; "how wonderful it would be to have a holiday after all these years on the road", and on impulse, he went in and said that he wanted a cruise.

Well, as you can imagine, he was not the normal customer they were used to, but his innocence touched the heart of the manager and he went searching for an almost forgotten promo deal with Cunard that offered a few cabins on a two week cruise for 50 pounds. It was not a particularly good cabin but it was available so the derelict accepted joyfully and set out for Southhampton to join the good ship Gargantua which was to be his home for two weeks.

It took him quite a while to get there, so long in fact that the two week cruise had come & gone and the Gargantua had returned to stock up for a much longer voyage. But oblivious to this, the stiff fronted up to the gangway and asked for his cabin. The Officer of the Day was appalled. His beautiful ship to be defiled by this grotty old alkie – never. But when the derelict told him the whole story as to how he had a ticket (albeit out of date) he was moved to pity and agreed to sneak him on board that night and give him a cabin way way down in steerage so that he could have his holiday.

So, that night, after all the passengers had retired to their cabins, the officer called the derelict from the shadows of the pier and took him onto the ship. Silently, they slunk through A Deck and got a lift down to ZZ Deck (for the Gargantua was indeed gargantuan) and there was this tiny little room – a bunk, a basin, a hook for clothes and one wooden chair. Primitive perhaps but to the dero it was luxury beyond his dreams. He just stood there smiling as the Officer sternly told him that on no account was he to show himself during daylight hours (in fact not before 2:00am) as there would be hell to pay if any of the rich passengers saw him. But if he was good, he would get meals delivered to his cabin and even the odd drink as well.

So the ship sailed, and the dero thought he'd died and gone to heaven. Three meals a day, a warm dry bed to sleep in and enough booze to help him forget the past. What more could he ask? So he kept the bargain and only came out between 2 and 6 each morning and spent the rest of the time sipping peacefully in his cabin.

But, one night, as he was prowling around the sports deck at 3:30, he happened on the big swimming pool and saw the diving board. He was overcome by memories of his prowess as a diver before the booze got him and took it all away. And he wondered if he could still do those triple somersaults he used to do so well. So, you've guessed it, he climbed up to the board and had a go and somehow the old skills were still there and for an hour he twisted and tucked and piked as if he had never stopped training. But as he was climbing out at the end, a voice said "And who the hell are you", and there was the Captain.

Trembling, he confessed who he was and why he was on board. The Captain, having seen this incredible performance, had tears in his eyes as he contemplated the ruin that booze had made of a man and his talent and he couldn't find it in his heart to lock him up (or crucify the Officer who had let him aboard). And a brain wave struck him – what about cleaning the old boy up and let him put on an exhibition for the passengers.

He broached the idea and the dero readily agreed but asked if he could have a couple of nights to practice first. The captain went along with this and suggested that to make it a bit more spectacular they might raise the height of the diving board a bit too.

So, three days later, the passengers assembled by the pool to see this incredible exhibition of diving skill from a 20 meter platform. The dero, resplendent in a borrowed pair of trunks, stepped out from the back of the platform and did a couple of trial bounces on the board, high above the pool. Then, with a flourish, he ran along the board, sprang high and bounced. He soared 15 meters above the board and went into a virtuoso routine of somersaults and twists to the amazement of the crowd.

But, alas, he, and the captain, and the crowd had forgotten the inexorable laws of physics. The Gargantua was steaming at some 25 knots, the pool was only 10 meters long on the axis of travel and he was in the air for sufficient time for the pool to move from under him as he did his routine.

Catastrophe….. Instead of the immaculate bubble entry that he had been practicing, he came down from a great height on the steel deck a meter and a half beyond the pool. So great was his velocity that he went straight through the metal and disappeared from view. Everyone was stunned and stood motionless until a seaman on watch yelled that he had appeared in the ships wake.

Great commotion followed as the Gargantua slowed and a boat was launched and the dero retrieved. They took him down to the Sick Bay and the doctor looked him over and somewhat disbelievingly said he was going to live. The Captain was bemused and finally said to him, "How in the hell did you survive going through 27 steel decks & the hull?".

And the old man looked at him and said:

"You must realise that I'm an old alcoholic and I've been through lots of hardships"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 11:13 AM

Oh, that does take the cake!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 10:22 AM

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the
streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct
the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day
when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell
ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous: "You have no arms!"

"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face,
producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced
he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong
out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his
side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the
beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop
through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! Don't groan yet, there's more!!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the
unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the
bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless
wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

"I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to
pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to
his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,........

"...But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 10:11 AM

Ah yes. Been there and done that.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 09:41 AM

:-)
aw JennyO - how about this one then...


                        THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each,

                              for 6 weeks.

   Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

                   There is no access to fast food.

                                  ***


Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

The men only have access to television When the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and ....

                           there is NO REMOTE

                                 *****


                     The men must shave their legs,
                           wear makeup daily,
                   which they must apply themselves,
                         either while driving
                                  or
                      while making four lunches.


                                 *****

                They must attend weekly PTA meetings;

                                  *

            clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.;

                                  *

make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker;

                                  *

             and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

       The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

                                  *****

The last man wins .

                  only if .

he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's
notice.

                                  *
                                  *
                                  *

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years ... eventually earning the right to be called

                               "Mother."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: JennyO
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 08:05 AM

That's too close to the truth to be a joke, Robin.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 02:41 AM

Ant and the grasshopper.

Classic Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


Modern Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome."

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the
house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful neighborhood.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 12 Nov 03 - 01:15 AM

What's the difference between a motorcycle and a banjo?

You can tune a motorcycle.

What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?

No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

Why does the bagpiper march about while he plays?

He's trying to get away from the noise.

What's worn beneath the kilt?

Nothing--it's all in perfect working order.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 10:29 PM

Blonde has a fire in her living room. She calls the fire station. She is frazzled and very excited. She screams, "There's a fire in my house. You have to come here right now. Come quickly. Now, now, now." The firefighter says, "Please calm down, ma'am. Can you tell us how to get there." The blonde replies, "Well, doh, take the big red truck."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 10:02 PM

I was travelling the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
   The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.
   He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
   "Yes, I sure do," I replied.
   "You a Republican?" asked the old man.
   "Democrat," I replied.
   "Well, you can just go to Hell, you pinko bleedin' heart!" yelled the old man as he sped off.
   Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
   Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat."
   The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
   I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and strongly Republican.
   The next car to stop was a red SUV driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican.
   "Sure am!" I shouted.
   "Hop in, then!" she said.
   Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me... the wind blowing through her hair, her perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
   So I yelled at her, "Please stop the vehicle!"
   She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the SUV stopped, I jumped out.
   "What's the matter?" she asked.
   "I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Republican for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Nov 03 - 12:31 AM

Frugality - Ten Shillings is Ten Shillings!


Fredrick and his wife Edna went to the fair every year.

Every year Fredrick would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
carriage."

And every year Edna would say, "I know Fredrick, but that carriage
ride costs ten Shillings, and ten Shillings is ten Shillings."

One year Fredrick and Edna went to the fair and Fredrick said, "Edna,
I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that carriage this year I may never
get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fredrick that there carriage ride costs ten Shillings,
and ten Shillings is ten Shillings."

The driver overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one
word it's ten Shillings."

Fredrick and Edna agreed and off they go at a mad pace across the
fields, bouncing over rocks and ditches, but not a word is heard. The
driver goes recklessly around a twisting hillside track and when they
pull up to screeching stop, he turns to Fredrick, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fredrick replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell
out, but ten Shillings is ten Shillings."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 09:08 PM

A very prim and proper lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, South Carolina one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge and getting ready to jump.
   She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, young man! Think of your Mom and Dad."
   He cried back, "My Mom and Dad are both dead! I'm gonna jump!"
   She said, "Well think of your wife and kids!".
   He shouted, "I'm not married and don't have any kids! I never will! I don't even have a girlfriend!"
   She said, "Well then think on the couragous example of Robert E. Lee!"
   He yelled, "Who the hell is Robert E. Lee?"
   She fired back, "Oh, just go ahead and jump then, you damn Yankee!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 08:54 PM

Another oldie but goodie.

Jane sends Tarzan out to get supper. He swings through the jungle and finds nothing. He was pondering what to tell her when he noticed some finches sitting on the branches near him. he flailed about and threw abot twenty birds into the sack. He then noticed a pair of chimpanzies near him. He clubbed both and tossed them into the sack. Swung back to Jane and emptied the contents of the sack onto the table. Jane put her hand to her forehead and said, "Oh, no Tarzan, not finch and chimps again!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 07:58 PM

French Foreign Legion (this is an old joke, but may be new to some of you). Eight months in the desert. Private goes to the Sergeant and asks what everyone does for fun, ahem. Sergeant says there's a camel in the tent just up the hill. Private goes. Ten minutes later the tent walls are flappin, and there's a braying coming from inside the tent. The Private leaves the tent and is met by the whole platoon of Legionaires. They start cheering and applauding. The Private blushes and explains that the Sergeant had told him the camel was in the tent. Another Private say, "Yes, but usually we just ride him into town."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 07:38 PM

The night before he was really polluted. In the morning he rolled over in bed and there beside him was a truly ugly woman, sleeping peacefully. He got out of bed quietly, dressed,and left $50.00 on the bureau. He started to leave and suddenly felt something tugging on his trouser leg. He glanced down, and there was a woman who was even uglier then the one in the bed. She gazed up at him and said, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

The son meets his Father coming out of a house of ill-repute. "Pa," he said, "You in a place like this?" "I'll tell you the truth son, I refuse to argue with your mother for five dollars."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Trevor
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 07:15 PM

Bloke's car breaks down in middle of nowhere. He gets out, opens the bonnet and is standing staring, not knowing what he's looking at. Suddenly he hears a deep, booming voice - 'Check the fuel feed to the carburettor'. He does - nothing wrong. The voice again - 'Have a look at the HT leads and make sure they'r all still attached to the plugs'. He checks - no problem. The voice again - 'Check that the distributor cap hasn't fallen off'. Lo and behold, that's the problem. He reattaches it and the car starts straight away. Bemused, he looks around to see where the voice came from - all he can see is a white horse in a field. He gives up the search and carries on his way. When he stops for lunch at a pub in the next village he recounts the story to the barman - '.....and all I could see was a horse in a field'. The barman asks him what colour the horse was and the driver tells him it was white. 'Thank God for that' says the barman, 'the black 'un knows bugger all about cars!'

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 06:00 PM

At the end of my first day working at a 24-hour convenience store,
a customer walked in and asked, "Is this store open all day, seven
days a week, 365 days a year?"

"Yes," I answered, puzzled at the question.

"Well, then," he continued as he walked out, "why are there locks
on the doors?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Pastor Dave Charlton says, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old
boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

"About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If
you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will
have to start his sermon all over again!'

"It worked."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: *daylia*
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 11:24 AM

Thanks, Foolestroupe! :-)   Eye jus pazzt ziz on 2 oza pepl, like ewe zed ....

Now, Any Nude Oaks around here today?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Watson
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 10:16 AM

I bought a David Blaine doll yesterday...














.... But I couldn't get it out of the box.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 09:39 AM

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."

The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask   
me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you
ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right
then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish, just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 05:03 AM

The 5-Year Plan

NEWS BULLETIN

The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Terminator-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should be droppd.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrevun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Nov 03 - 04:18 AM

Origins: Drinking on the Premises

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:19 PM

Say, we should be careful taking about the overthrow of the US Democratic processes, even in jest - we may have attracted the attention of 'Echelon' - and THAT would NOT be funny.... but then all folk musos are considered radiacal pinko commies - no wait - old term, er... terrorists... :-)

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 10:09 PM

How about

Evil George Bush Died Friday Afternoon ...

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Hrothgar
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 09:59 PM

Anything that relates to the death of George W Bush is NOT funny.

If he karks it, you get ..... ?

See what I mean?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 06:10 PM

Two blonde jokes for the price of one:


Emergency
----------

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an
elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency
room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing
to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number
and get an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."


--------------

True Story

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change
his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call, who must have been a blonde, asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not
stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 04:20 PM

My thanks to Amos & Foolestroupe for the answer. And here I thought nuns had nun. Seems I've been wrong.

An Irishman is lamenting his not getting the nomination for alderman. Blaming it on his lack of schooling, he tells his wife if it weren't for you & the children I'd have had more time for my education. You held me back Brigid. "Held you back is it?" bristles the wife; "If you'd paid as much attention to your prayer book as you did to my bare ass, you'd be Pope by now."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: *daylia*
Date: 09 Nov 03 - 11:07 AM

Oops, sorry bout the bad HTML. Let's try that again ...

George Bush Died Friday Afternoon

There, all better now! (Except for poor ole George I guess)