BS: Parenting Questions

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: Naemanson
Date: 31 May 01 - 09:56 AM

Kids in their teens need two basic things from their adults. They need to know that they have some independence and they need to know they are loved and accepted. These are not necessarily diametrically opposing views. Trust the child and let him know you trust him. Also make sure that he knows of your disappointment when he fails a test of trust. And do so with love and the understanding that your ability to trust him has been strained and needs to heal (e.g., I trusted you to call me when you went to X's house. You didn't. Because of this I would like you to tell me when you go over to X's house again before you go. No threats, no angry outburst (it's OK to be angry, just control it) no apparent irrational response.)

The kid also needs to know you are there for him. He needs to know you will support his decisions and when you can support them. And he needs to know he can make these decisions.

It seems pretty complicated but it isn't. You always perform a balancing act but once you get the rhythm you will be fine.

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: jeffp
Date: 31 May 01 - 09:41 AM

Answers to your questions - in order -

Quantity of pizza? - Unknown, never been determined

Staring into fridge? - Hoping something has miraculously appeared that looks better than what was there 5 seconds ago. Sure it's unrealistic, but how many realistic teenagers have you met?

Grunt? - None/All of the above.

MTV? - Do all of the above, for your own sanity at least.

Groups? - You've got the right idea, except for scurvy you need vitamin C (citrus). Vitamin D cures rickets.

His point of view about the rest (work of the Devil) is typical and will be outgrown. Unfortunately, you may not be willing to let him live long enough to outgrow them.

You are embarking on a scary, tedious, and ultimately rewarding journey. I wish you the best of luck and can only counsel you to love him, especially when you want to strangle him! (And believe me, at times you WILL want to strangle him.) As Sinsull says, love works. Sometimes it just takes too damn long. Hang in there and good luck.

jeffp (been there, still there)

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: UB Ed
Date: 31 May 01 - 09:32 AM

Getting ready for teens myself, but am having practice runs as a result of philosophical differences between their mother and me.

Sinsull's right about the bereavement anger. Add to that the typical teenage angst and BOOM!

My quick thought is to lay out ground rules based on expectations and future goals. Recognize this is the situation you both have been handed and you both need to make the best of it. You might discuss your expectations for his performance in school, cleanliness and physical health. He may share some expectations of his own (lucky you). However, throughout the discussion both of you should somehow continue to realize the whole purpose of this exercise is to enable him to be a successful adult and your sole interest in a positive outcome for him is your unconditional love of your child.

Best of luck Morty.

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: SINSULL
Date: 31 May 01 - 09:11 AM

Morticia,
I can't begin to tell you how much I admire your courage. This model does not come with an instruction manual. A lot depends on how much of a relationship you had with him before he lost his father. And he is grieving which will probably take the form of anger. Listen a lot. And get professional advice when you feel you need it. At fifteen, he is eager to be independent and just as eager to be controlled. You can't win.
Love works and listen if and when he does something other than grunt.
PM me if you want specifics - been there and done that. It is worth the effort.
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: Midchuck
Date: 31 May 01 - 09:07 AM

Exactly how much pizza can one of these things consume before he a) explodes b)stops being hungry c) gets tired of it?

I read somewhere, that a normal, average sized, adult with a "normal" life style might be able to consume, and utilize - for energy to run on, or repair tissues, not to build fat - two thousand calories a day. A large, muscular logger, working long hours of hard physical labor in very cold weather, might consume and utilize as much as four thousand. For a teen-ager in a growth spurt, six thousand is possible.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Parenting Questions
From: Matt_R
Date: 31 May 01 - 08:39 AM

I'd help, since I used to be one...but I was the kind of 15-year-old who was reading classic literature, listening to opera, playing classical guitar, building models, getting military regulation haircuts, and editor-in-chief-ing a family run newsletter in a foreign country!

Subject: Parenting Questions
From: Morticia
Date: 31 May 01 - 08:31 AM

I have recently acquired a 15 year old boy, well at least, I've always had part ownership in him but when his dad died a few weeks ago he became mine full-time.He did not come with either instructions or an owners manual and I need to know a few things that were not an issue when he only holidayed with me, for example:
Exactly how much pizza can one of these things consume before he a) explodes b)stops being hungry c) gets tired of it?
When he stares into the fridge, what he is expecting to find that wasn't in there when he did it three minutes before?
Is a grunt a) an opening declaration of war,b) a greeting c)a cry for help or d)none of the above?
When he has watched more than four hours of MTV, should I a)take his pulse b) force him outdoors to see daylight or c)remove the remote control and change to the History channel?
When one or more of them are gathered in a room should I a)stay well away and warn the neighbours b)count the plates and glasses in and out and hope they tally at some point c)pipe in sunlight at regular intervals to ward off scurvy
Finally, is his point of view that fresh vegetables, haircuts, regular bathing and underwear that doesn't crunch are the work of the Devil, an acceptable one?

Any and all pointers in the care and feeding of these creatures will be gratefully accepted.