Double Entendre Anyone?

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 06:40 PM

What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans truncheon???
A magicians wand is for cunning stunts!

What is the difference between the Whitehall theatre and a public toilet?
The whitehall theatre is for Arts and Farces.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 06:33 PM

What's the difference between the Warhorse, and the Carthorse?

The Warhorse darts into the fray....

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 05:45 PM

He saw that truck at the motel
The name they had given was false
He saw through the window they had nothin' on
Except for the Tennessee Waltz.

-- Berryman & Berryman, "Cheatin'"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 05:26 PM

A termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the Bar Tender here?"

In the UK there used to be a woman who cooked and baked, on TV, by the name of Fanny Craddock and her husband Johnnie used to help her.. and he always summed up at the end.
The day she made ring doughnuts he said " And if you follow the recipe carefully, all your ring doughnuts will look like Fannys".... He then coughed and looked totally embarrassed.
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 04:05 PM

What's the difference between...
A bad archer and a constipated owl?
          One shoots but never hits...

A Trafalgar Square reveller and an Ibex?
          One mucks about in fountains...

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Juan P-B
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 03:11 PM

How about...

She was only a Choirmaster's daughter but she knew 'Away In A Manger'

and........

What's the diff between a year-old baby and Camilla PArker-Bowles?

One chucks Farleys.......

HAsta
BFG

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Forsh
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 11:08 AM

North East singer songwriter, Peter Afendoulus got so pissed at folks miss-spelling his name, that his first (and gladly only) album was entitled: 'there's only one F in afendoulus.. does this count?

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Billy Weeks
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 09:35 AM

And while we're digging out oldstuff:

Where is a woman's Now? As in 'I wonder who's kissing her now?'

And what is her Yet? As in 'He shot her in anger and the bullet is in her yet'.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Leadfingers
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 07:24 AM

She was only the Colonels daughter and though she was very nice to the regiment , she was rotten to the Corps

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From:
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 05:46 AM

Don't know how you could've missed THIS one:

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girls' track team?

Well, one is a bunch of CUNNING RUNTS . . .

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 30 Aug 02 - 07:22 PM

judge:'you are charged with being drunk & disorderly, therefore you will go to prison for two weeks'

prisoner: 'your honour, i wasn't drunk, i was merely intoxicated'

judge: 'well, in that case you'll be jailed for a fortnight!' 8-)

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Aug 02 - 07:13 PM

"Sir, you are prevaricating. Did you, or did you not, sleep with this woman?"
"Not a wink, your honour."

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Leadfingers
Date: 30 Aug 02 - 03:23 PM

I cant work out how the old Skol Lager ad got out on UK TV Thats the one where he's got 4 cans in the fridge and all these people visit,some with and some without beer,and finishes off with the comment that he can still give his girlfriend one.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Airto
Date: 30 Aug 02 - 12:10 PM

Louis Jordan's song Saturday Night Fish Fry seems to be about more than just fish.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 30 Aug 02 - 09:00 AM

Cap'n Bligh: 'Avast behind!'

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Melani
Date: 09 Nov 01 - 12:38 AM

"...and there on the bed I cut loose with me sword."

Bob Franke did a couple of "hokum" blues--"Fuji Blues (bicycles) and "Computer Blues", which of course contains the line, "I got my modem workin'."

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: RangerSteve
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 07:54 PM

I worked at a state park outside of Jersey City and we monitored the Jersey City Police channel on our radios. One night I heard this conversation: "Go to (address), we got a report of a woman being assaulted in the rear". "Assaulted where?" "IN HER BACK YARD".

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Fiolar
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 08:57 AM

Roger, thanks for the info. Funny thing though, the programme in which George and Spike performed was transmitted on a Sunday afternoon many years ago. I suppose like many more which slipped past the censor, no one had listened to it before it went on air.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Snuffy
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 08:52 AM

What's the difference between the big race at Ascot and Fergie (Duchess of York) looping the loop?
One's the Royal Hunt Cup ...

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,micca at work
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 07:08 AM

Then there is the series of jokes where the second part is sort of a spoonerism of the first( the second part is usually left unstated for the listener to spooner, or if stated usually in a less obvious paraphrase)
i.e. "whats the difference between a magic wand and a policemans truncheon(nightstick)??
One is used for Cunning Stunts......
"whats the difference between a nun and a woman in the bath?
" one has a soul full of hope...."
Or " whats the difference between a barrow boy (street trader)and a dachshund
"one bawls out his wares oon the pavement....

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Gervase
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 05:52 AM

She was only the policeman's daughter, but she let the Chief Inspector...
Or (dubious taste this one); She was only the Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was full of discharged seamen.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 04:22 AM

Fiolar, that song is Jelly Roll Morton's, The polite version is "The girls go crazy 'bout the way I walk" etc. The late night version, based on JRM's career as a "Sportin' House" pianist is "All the whores go crazy 'bout the way I ride" (and the man's not talkin' horses, no siree).
RtS ("You got a nice little motor, but too many drivers at your wheel")

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Nov 01 - 03:44 AM

"Come up amd see me sometime when I've nothing on but the radio"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Fiolar
Date: 07 Nov 01 - 08:40 AM

Roger the Skiffler: George Melly certainly is great. I've got a recording of him and the marvellous Spike Milligan at a jam session with George singing about how certain people "go crazy about the way I ride" (unquote)

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Nov 01 - 06:09 AM

How about one of Huw Rynal's
peer pressure

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 07 Nov 01 - 03:47 AM

Of course there's a whole slate of the blues repertoire, that I call "bawdyville" personified by people like Ma Rainey and Champion Jack Dupree, and UK's own George Melly. Songs like "Put a little sugar in my bowl";"Hot Dog Man", "Nuts", "Wrong Keyhole", "Kitchen Man", "Garbage Man", "Under your hood" etc.
RtS ("Gonna take my screwdriver, look up underneath your hood. When I've finished screwin' gonna get your motor runin' real good". 'Spaw will say it's all the fault of Lucas Dynamos!)

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Whitewater
Date: 07 Nov 01 - 03:34 AM

And of course there's the song 'The Lusty Young Smith' which is entirely double entendre's but there are also lines like this in a song named 'Blue Cap' from ancient Scotland.

(paraphrased) A Bonney Scottish man with a long skene (knife) in his hose, who climed up to her bedroom to woo.

A dark Handsome Spaniard with rapier and Poinards (daggers)

An eager Frenchman who lov-ed her dear,and was panting for the chance to do it again.

And a song called Virgin Sturgeon. . .

I'm sure there are more. . .

Whitewater

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,maxine
Date: 07 Nov 01 - 02:33 AM

Can't think of anything to add that hasn't already been said...but just wanted to let you know, I have been giggling for hours over these! Particuarly the 'she was only a fishmongers daughter but she lay on the slab and said FILLET! Why have I never heard these before..I must have led a sheltered life!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: JennieG
Date: 07 Nov 01 - 12:48 AM

A local (Sydney Oz) radio announcer several years ago was famous for his "cunning stunts" that he used to talk about regularly.
Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Fiolar
Date: 06 Nov 01 - 08:41 AM

Blind Lemon Steve: The anecdote you mention was told by Max Miller as already mentioned on the thread. Arthur Askey never had the reputation for blue jokes that Miller had. Sorry also Tone d'F the one you mention is already on the thread. Surprised that no-one has mentioned the Confucius one: Confucius he say. "Man with hole in pocket, feels cocky all day."

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Tony in Brussels
Date: 06 Nov 01 - 04:28 AM

Then there was the newspaper headline about a person who escaped from a correctional facility for the criminally insane, committed indecencies with two ladies in a laundry and then ran off: NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Tone d' F
Date: 06 Nov 01 - 03:52 AM

Man walks ito a bar and asks for a double entendre

so the barmaid gave him one

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Blind lemon steve
Date: 06 Nov 01 - 01:21 AM

This was a great one from Arthur Askey, he was a British music hall entertainer, it went out live on radio, probably early 1950's, my Grandad always told me about it.

I was walking over a narrow bridge, and a naked woman stood in front of me, i didnt know whether to block her passage or toss myself off.

he got into a lot of trouble with the censorship people.

Subject: I Used to Work In Chicago
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Nov 01 - 04:54 PM

I am a little amazed that this song hasn'r come up in the conversation. Double entendre extraordinaire

I USED TO WORK IN CHICAGO

I used to work in Chicago, in a department store,
I used to work in Chicago. I did, but I don't anymore.
A lady came in, and asked for some cake.
I asked her what kind she'd adore--.
"Layer," she said, so layer I did
I don't work there anymore.

I used to work in Chicago, in a department store,
I used to work in Chicago. I did, but I don't anymore.
A lady came in, and asked for a fowl
I asked her what kind she'd adore--
"A goose," she said, so I gave her a goose
I don't work there anymore.

(similarly)

A lady came into the hat shop,
I asked, "What kind would you like?"
"Felt" she said, felt I did

A lady came in for a sleeper
I asked, "which berth would you like?"
"Upper" she said; Up 'er I did

A lady came in for a waterbottle
I said, "what kind would you like?"
"Rubber " she said; rub 'er I did

A lady came in for a sweater
I asked, "what kind would you like?"
"Jumper, she said"; jump 'er I did

A lady came in for a ticket
I asked, "Where would you like to go?"
"Bangor," she said; bang 'er I did

Also:
Hardware...nails....nail her I did
Hardware...screw....screw her I did
Fruit......plums....plumb her I did
Cinnamon...sticks...stick her I did
Peas.......split....split her I did
Milk.......cream....cream her I did
Covers.....spread...spread her I did
Rope.......jump.....jump her I did
Booze......liquor...lick 'er I did

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,SINSULL, no cookie
Date: 05 Nov 01 - 03:27 PM

Bert swears it is unintentional but in "Size Doesn't Matter", mother says "Size doesn't matter, it's the flavor, you see." He swears it with such an innocent grin...

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Nov 01 - 02:14 PM

She was only an ornithologists daughter, but she certainly knew a cockatoo. Jock

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Chris Amos
Date: 05 Nov 01 - 01:52 AM

Hi,

Folk songs have a few, Sir Patrick Spens,

"Where can I get me a brave young boy to take my helm in hand"

C

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Nov 01 - 01:40 AM

She was only a dentist's daughter, but she knew the drill!
Or, as the prince regent one said in Black Adder III:
"She was only a greengrocers daughter, but she knew a surprising amount about fish as well!"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Nigel.Parsons
Date: 04 Nov 01 - 07:50 PM

She was only the telegraphist's daughter, but she didit didit didit !

She was only the mayor of Birmingham's daughter, but she knew Five Ways !

She was only the carpenter's daughter, but she was a brace 'n' bit !

She was only the stable hand's daughter, but all the horse manure !

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Snuffy
Date: 04 Nov 01 - 06:31 PM

She was only the Colonel's daughter, but she knew what Reggie meant.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Nov 01 - 06:16 PM

She was only a gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Snuffy
Date: 04 Nov 01 - 06:11 PM

She was only the grocer's daughter but she showed Sir Geoffrey how.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Nigel.Parsons
Date: 04 Nov 01 - 02:46 PM

To rephrase some of the above, the potatoes & peas on a plate I heard as: Confucious he say "man who eats meat and peas on same dish very unhygenic!

The "Happiness" line (Ken Dodd/ De Gaulle) was also used in a Peter Sellars movie as a comment to a new bride on arrival at an hotel "May you 'ave 'appiness all your life"

As for the "moonshiner's daughter" there are dozens of these, and tho' it's tempting, I'll restrict myself to: She was only the fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said "Fillett"! She was only the Barman's daughter, but she pulled the wrong knob and got stout ! She was only the admiral's daughter, but her naval base was full of discharged seamen!

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Blind lemon steve
Date: 04 Nov 01 - 02:06 PM

yeh, i'll Give you one

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 04 Nov 01 - 01:15 PM

Giok, you're half-way there with Max Miller. He didn't know whether to block her passage or toss himself off. The story is that his line got him banned from BBC radio, but I gather it could all be just another urban myth.

It was Beecham, by the way, not Beacham. (As well as being a conductor he was part of the family that brought us Beecham's Powder.) I think he was addressing Beatrice Harrison at a rehearsal of the BBC symphony orchestra.

The radio shows, Beyond Our Ken and Round the Horn, both presented by Kenneth Horne, were double entendre from start to finish. A s a child at the time,I noticed that the audience always reacted in two stages - first politely, then in hysterics as the joke sank in.

A Kenneth Williams contribution comes to mind:

"Hello Rodney." "Hello Charles." "How's your bottom?" "Shut up!" "So's mine. Must be the weather."

Or two nuns in a bath. One says "Where's the soap?" The other says "Yes, doesn't it?"

It now falls on Humphrey Lyttleton to keep this torch of innuendo blazing. Like Kenneth Horne, his voice is tailor-made. His hosts a radio show that includes a radio version of the BBC TV game, Give Us A Clue. Humph frankly admits that as Give Us a Clue was based on charades, his radio version can never match the original. He sighs wistfully as he recalls his fondest memories. For instance: "Who will ever forget Una Stubbs sitting open-mouthed as Lionel Blair pulled off12 Angry Men in less than half a minute?"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 04 Nov 01 - 05:02 AM

What about Ruth Wallis, heard her once, thought she was as billed on the record sleeve; saucy. Never heard of her since.

Jock

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Phillip
Date: 03 Nov 01 - 11:44 AM

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still...

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Tweed
Date: 03 Nov 01 - 08:55 AM

Back to them spark plugs, how 'bout Robert Johnson's "Terraplane Blues". He was not only a great blues artist but a highly trained mechanic too and knew how to get a motor running smooth...
"I'm gon' get down on this connection, oh well, keep on tanglin' with these wires
I'm gon' get down on this connection, oh well, keep on tanglin' with these wires
And when I mash down on your little starter, then your spark plug will give me fire"

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: GUEST,Paul Burke
Date: 03 Nov 01 - 07:02 AM

All this talk, and no one has mentioned either the Bury New Loom

or the Kippers.

Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone?
From: Fiolar
Date: 03 Nov 01 - 05:50 AM

The late great Kenny Everett sailed as close to the wind as anyone with his character "Cupid Stunt" and "all in the best possible taste."