Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 03:54 AM

Turned up for the breakfast sing and bacon burning demonstration by the local Scout Group to find the field deserted. Apparently the ketchup tanker on loan from Eddy Baker Farm Equipment had gone faulty and covered most of the area. Ketchup lovers have been drafted in and reckon they'll have the place licked clean by Wednesday.

MORE TRAVEL NEWS

Penny farthing users are warned to avoid Spitoon Lane due to low overhanging branches in neighbouring woodland.

In the same woodland, people say they have seen something that appears to be half human/half ape and half cut. Said a leading light in the EFDSS "that'll be a folkie then".

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 05:44 AM

Eddy Bakers Ketchup...great!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:34 AM

We have been asked to point out that the thong workshop advertised in the programme is a printing error caused by a crackling phone line and the slight speech impediment of one of the organizers.

On careful reflection the committee have decided to let it stand as per the programme...so please be ready with your gems such as "With a thong in my ar*e" or "Annie's thong"

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:42 AM

Yes Mike, it's completely organic!!!

MORE NEWS

Due to the heat this afternoon's display of Womb Charming by the Blitherscrum W.I. has been moved to Pesci Brothers Ice Cream factory (the only fish flavoured ice cream in the world - beloved of Inuit everywhere).

In the craft tent, Ambridge Funt will be giving a demonstration of woggle carving using locally felled meach (otherwise known as mingewood owing to its peculiar smell). Bring your own breathing equipment.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 09:04 AM

Sad to say the special 'guest' we had planned for today (not the one who frequently appears in wicked guise on the Mudcat)has not turned up but I can tell you it was Tam Paxton who is the 'in' thing at the moment with the women.
John Barleycorns real ale will be on sale after all, John has now become a man and grown a long beard for the festival. His ale is nutbrown and beats brandy hands down.
An independent food seller turned up today and offered us a large amount of money for funds so we are letting him sell his hedgehog burgers, snail vol-au-vents, ostrich neck rock, kangaroo steaks (if he can keep them on the barbie) and I believe he is serving elephant as a delicacy (Jumbo sausages). The festival is really going well and advertising it like this on mudcat has brought people from over The Globe (which is the pub in the next village). Having a great time and wish you were all here.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 09:34 AM

BLITHERSCRUM DAILY RANT
Monday 24th July 2006
From our roving reporter Dennis Buss













sorry, it seems that Dennis not only forgot to put batteries into his dictaphone but broke his pencil as well.

In the meantime we are proud to bring you the whistling talents of Justin Toone with a track from his latest CD, "Plain Puckered Man", this is a little number called The Wrong Cycle. Take it away Justin.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 10:37 AM

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 10:45 AM

Welcome Guest.

Please show your ticket to the door steward on the way in.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 11:42 AM

The "How to play the Spatula" workshop has been cancelled due to a double booking at Blitherscum Town Hall, but you are welcome to join in with the Blitherscrum Debate Club.

Todays Topic:

As we all know it is a fact that buttered toast will always land butter side down when dropped.
We all also know that a cat always lands on its feet.

What will happen when we tie the piece of toast to the cats back butterside up?



Proffessor S. Hawkings of Blitherscrum has infact stated a warning that this will cause a paradox that will create a small black hole approximatley 3 inches from the ground that will actually be enough to swallow the whole town. He has since packed his bags and moved to America stating that they are all idiots.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 11:59 AM

can't figure out how Georgiansilver has managed to bring December to July...I know this government are intent on changing everything..but have I missed something here?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 12:11 PM

No GeorgianSilver has been in that Blue telephone box again with Dr Who. I think he has been Daleked.

Fartin Martin will be there tomorrow, doing a workshop on how to be an arsehole flame thrower - Percy might be there as well.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 01:11 PM

Sorry Guest but Third week in July has been the Festival last year and this year..it is now in progress if you wish to attend. I'm sure someone of your astuteness would be welcome, especially as we are short of stewards. Bert died of chicken pox, Mary got pregnant, Sal committed suicide (when she heard there would be a second festival) and Richard fell off his horse, broke his neck and is still in intensive care. The last day of the seven day festival will be Saturday 29th July. It is in full swing and the singaround has been the highlight so far but there are so many attenders we are only half way round and still have a third to go.. Having a 'Mudgather' tomorrow in the bog next to the river...everybody loves mud don't they.
Todays topic at Blitherscrum debate club has been on cats and toast. Geese can fly 47 times further in formation than singly, by changing places frequently and slipstreaming. Someone pointed out that cyclists have been doing this for many years..so tomorrows debate or discussion will be about the potential of geese on bicycles. Hope you can all make it in time (try slipstreaming..it's good)

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Folkiedave
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 01:34 PM

Some warnings for people.

Don't ignore warnings. If someone tells you to beware of Long Lankin, friggin' beware of him. If someone tells you not to go by Carterhaugh, stay away. Same goes for your mother asking you not to go out hunting on a particular day. Portents about weather, particularly when delivered by an old sailor who is not currently chatting up a country maid, are always worth heeding.

If someone says that he's planning to kill you, believe him.

If someone says he's going to die, believe him.

Avoid navigable waterways. Don't let yourself be talked into going down by the wild rippling water, the wan water, the salt sea shore, the strand, the lowlands low, the Burning Thames, and any area where the grass grows green on the banks of some pool. Cliffs overlooking navigable waterways aren't safe either.

Broom, as in the plant, should be given a wide berth.

Stay away from the greenwood side, too.

Avoid situations where the obvious rhyme-word is "maidenhead."

There will be a "Macrame Your Cat Hair" worshop straight after the Tea Chai workshop. Remember your cat.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:41 PM

don't just avoid Maidenhead..avoid the rest of Kent as well..or is that just Men of Kent or Kentish Men...I'm having a senior moment!!

Blackwaterside is another no no.....and resist any one who wants to play ball..(no that's not the same as gathering nuts in May!!).... and at the Olde Chippe Shoppe DON'T have mermaid and chips.

By the way Georgiansilver I tried Stripsteaming and I've gone a nasty shade of red

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:43 PM

Jet planes are not good to slipstream old git!!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Folkiedave
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 07:18 PM

Sailors' Workshop. Especialy for those of you thinking of listing for a sailor

Abstract......

New York Girls, like Liverpool Judies, like the ladies of Limehouse, Yarmouth, Portsmouth, Gosport, and/or Baltimore, know how to show sailors a good time, if by "good time" you mean losing all your money, your clothes, and your dignity. Note: All of these places are near navigable waterways. In practical terms this means that if you're a sailor you're screwed (and so are any young ladies you happen to meet). See also: Great Pox; Doleful Ghost.

There will be time for questions.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 03:04 AM

If you can make it today, here are some of the songs being performed:-

The Streets of Blitherscrum...Ralph Patel.
Catch the Wind...The Petomanes.
Daddy Fox...The Hunters.
Mountain Dew...The Correys.
Wild Rover...The Dogcatchers.
Seven Drunken nights...The Piss artists.(also singing Whisky in the Jar).
If I were a rich man...The tramps.
Both sides now..The schitzos.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 04:12 AM

Just a note to clarify the festival dates. It's always the third week in July unless the fifth Saturday falls on the second Tuersday in October when it does, of course, revert to the Monday after Candlemass. It's all clearly set out in Appendix A(2)(c) of the 1821 Festivals (Moveable) Folk & Other Strange Events Order, which was later incorporated into the Cartwheel Rim Width Act 1901.

Careful reading and very liberal translation of these papers proves that references to Christmas are, in fact, perfectly justified and, in fact, more or less demanded by law. See REGINA -v- ORIFICE. L.T. (1954) QBD 73.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 07:01 AM

You forgot to mention that on leap years the festival will be held at the end of february and split in two to leave room for the traditional Pancake day dip where locals strip naked and use hot pancakes to conceil their intimate parts then all jump into the sea off the Blitherscrum Pier.
There is a high fatality rate for this event especially after the pier collapsed a few years back and they managed to recruit Bob the Builder to repair it (who turned out to be a escaped patient from the local asylum)and fit an additional rolercoaster on it.
These days they like to call it "Dead mans jump" altho Derek the village idiot can be found riding it most days, but thats only cos a steal beam took of his head last year and they cant stop the car to get his body out.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Paul Burke
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:22 AM

Some late news:

There will be a C&W session at the Teetotaller's Arms. Parking for partons only. Guest beer Charles Wells Fargo.

Children's entertainment with an exciting mediaeval theme by Gilles de Rais on Saturday. He really keeps them abused!

Rapper display with Killa Priest and Snoop Dogg at the Blitherscrum Foreign Legion Club.

Clog workshop Sunday with Dial-a-Rod.

Saturday night's Irish session at the Orange Lodge will be led by Dozy Donnelly and Mahatma Loy. Free skip in the car park for your bodhrans, banjos etc. Guinness one for the price of two.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:33 AM

Ah, but, Gueat Rob you are also forgetting that leap year only falls in February when there is a day in the month beginning with R. Otherwise blackberrying can't start until after the second monsoon when Juicyfruit is aligned with Mars. Thus it was written in the Book of Krills by the Venereal Breed, and it must be true because he read it in the Readers Digestive.

BREAKING NEWS

Quimbert Todge, brother of Derek the idiot, has formally inherited the mantle of village idiot. It was bestowed on him, posthumously, after his abortive attemp to stop the roller coaster by throwing himself on the tracks. The tracks in question formed part of the East Coast mainline and the driver of the 125 could not stop in time, saying that he was distracted by a vision hovering over the nudist camp.

Derek the idiot continues his rollercoaster ride. He is now on trip 9,852 and plans are afoot to celebrate the 10,000 mark. Ride owner, Lumby Smiff, is planning the presentation of a specially illuminated invoice complete with joined up writing.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:36 AM

Saturday afternoon workshop "How to get the beat out of your bodhran"
Stanley knives will be provided

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:38 AM

sorry...should have said "best"...but then...!!!??

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 10:58 AM

Hordes of bodhrans carrying human skinned drums have been spotted by an AA patrolman crossing Tidgy Lane (the bodhrans that is, the patrol man was sitting in his van having his scran at the time). "It fair made my hair stand on end" said shaven headed Wilbert Tonks (24) of Magpuss Grove, Upton Ogood. "There must have been 5 or 6 of them, making an unholy racket they were" added Mr Tonks.

Noted percussionologist Mary O'Bang (38 20 34) said she was nor surprised at the sighting as a number had been illegally released into the wild by activists and were obviously mating.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 11:24 AM

Bob the Builder (escaped from the asylum, as mentioned above by Guest Rob Henderson), had conned his way into getting the repair work whilst on the run! He had escaped from the asylum, run into the Blitherscrum Laundrette, raped three women and run off. The Newspaper headline in the Blitherscrum Chronicle was "Nut screws washers and bolts".

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 12:22 PM

Also from the same paper a few other stories from Blitherscrum caught my eye:

"OWNER OF PUPPIES MAKES A HOLE IN ONE"

This is obviously to do with the recent golf tournament, which was won by the towns german shepard breeder.

"STREAKER PUT AWAY FOR 6 MONTHS IN GUITAR CASE"

When a band members guitar was stolen on stage, detective Clueno pinned the blame on the streaker that had been spotted running accros the stage but moments before it was noticed missing.

"PROFFESSOR DATES CORPSE"

Obviously this is to do with the recent finding of a dead body buried under the main arena, when the proffessor carbon dated the body it was found the man of apish appearance actually died approximatley 1630 (or half past 4 for those who cant read 24 hour clocks)

"CRIMINALS HALVED"

This is to do with the report from Blitherscrum Police station from last year when crime was very high in the town. They actually cut all the criminal in half and sold them to the town for novelty garden accessories. This has become very popular with the younger car driver and the odd Citreon AX with alloy wheels, tinted windows and a human torso stuck to the bonnet can be seen doing hand brake turns in the local car parks looked on by crowds of clearly impressed 12 year old girls.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 12:24 PM

god knows why I wrote garden instead of car in that last post

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Hohn H
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 03:35 AM

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,John H
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 03:37 AM

So sorry I am new to this and did not know how I put that other messageless message up. Been reading this and it is obviously spoof but good fun. Had a lot of laughs
JH

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 03:52 AM

John H. SPOOF!!!!!! How dare you sir. All the above are genuine postings regarding a Folk Festival located in one of the strangest parts of this sceptered isle, although in Blitherscrum it's more septic isle. I for one have been there on many occasions mainly to take the waters at the Waggon and Horses Spa.

No, no, don't take me back to the home. Is led away dribbling and.............

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 04:13 AM

The Festival is going really well. No serious injuries so far this year, just a few cases of hand cramps where some of the men have been giving themselves gratification. The music has been first class and 'strummers' (the new Folkie instrument of the moment) have really taken off. Bodhrans have also taken off but in a slightly different way...the are the new frisbies and throwing them across the river, out of the reach of their owners is a good new game.
Another new sport...Banjo chasing..has started and several Banjos have been seen floating on the river pursued by owners.
Mingulay, I was distressed to find it was you who hit the headlines with the "Nut screws washers and bolts" thing. I will instruct my colleagues at the asylum to give you special attention. Castration has just been introduced to the operating schedule at the local Hospital so perhaps they will arrange for you to visit.
Some people have been suffering temporary blindness in the mornings this year and I would suggest you lay off your night time activities whilst here to avoid this problem. (Too much CAN make you blind)
Looking forward to a lot more great music today:-

Bog off Folks...The travellers.
Four strong winds...The farting quartette
The trees they do grow High..The crap lumberjacks
The leaving of Liverpool...The sensibles
The water is wide...The bodhran players
The Lambs on the green hills....The Welsh adventurers
See y'all there

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 04:51 AM

Two late entries for the thong workshop

"Thong for Ireland"

"Love this is my thong
Here is a thong,a sexy aid for you.."

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Paul Burke
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 04:59 AM

Members of Blitherscrum Parish Church (Saint Misbehavin's) will be putting on tableaux depicting the Seven Deadly Sins. Volunteers required for the other 6, please.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 08:24 AM

THE FARTING ROARIES WILL ALSO BE SINGING

Blowing in the Wind

Windy old weather

Blow me bully boys blow

Captain Thunderbolt

Catch the Wind (Hmmm!)

For your information and safety... they will be singing in a North Easterly direction.


What a great idea John H ...will have to start a thread for a spoof festival!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 09:12 AM

Mike - NO!!!!!! The unkindest cut of all.

Damn that Viagra, the package is too stiff to open.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 11:05 AM

Only three days of the week long festival left Folks....Some who came last year have not been seen this year and that's not good enough.
Move your a...s and get down here now.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 11:59 AM

Festival organisers are searching for volunteers to act as torches for the closing ceremony, A personal supply of flammable gel and high pain threshold are the only qualifications. Matches will be provided. Torches can only extinguish themselves by wading into the river, the use of Fire Hydrants being prohibited due to the water shortages.

BLACKUP COCOA DANCERS will be providing the end of festival entertainment. Last year's unfortunate event involving strangely carved wooden fertility symbols and the 6th form from Blitherscrum High has been covered up - sorry forgotten.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 01:02 PM

If you feel you are inexperienced at being a human torch, please don't worry as most of out torchees have no experience. There are a few who have been torches at many festivals but through stress they have suffered burnout.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 03:22 AM

Some of todays songs:-
You picked a fine time to leave me loose heel....The stilettos
Candle in the wind...The Wax trumps.
Universal Solider...The Catalogue army.
Sweet thing..The lollipops.
Not sure what others perhaps someone can help.
Last nights storm destroyed the toilets at the indoor camping site so campers are advised to lift floorboards in the corner when they want to go and carefully replace them after use.
It also fused some of the PA equipment so today we have (at great expense) rushed in some megaphones from the city for the singers.
Apparently someon solved the problem of the wandering cows in the indoor camping area...the door is now to be kept shut at night.
The indoor camping area has also been plagued with a bat problem which has also been solved, all the boys cricket bats have been burnt on the barbecue on the large field.
Remember the Festival closes on Saturday...this year with a sing song as last years firework display decimated the village hall when the fireworks exploded spontaneously. (Could have been kids but we don't like to make accusations)
It was rumoured last night that Dolly Parton would make a guest appearance but I can assure you the rumour was started after someone had seen Mary Smith carrying two balloons.
Enjoy your day.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 03:59 AM

Do you mean this Mary Smith

Mary Smith

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 04:03 AM

VERY LATE NEWS

Ex nun HAIRY O'MARA (the Irish Mary Black) is making a surprise appearance today backed by our own Marvin Catty on ukelele. Unfortunately this is at the Royal Albert Hall in Stoke Poges and tickets have already sold out.

More on the fireworks. We now have our very own pyrotechnic engineer in the form of Wayne Kerr, who was closely questioned by police after last year's display. Wayne, who lists his hobbies as arson and poaching, should be the man for the job. If you can't beat them join them!!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 05:38 AM

May Day May Day

Blitherscrum has been taken over by Government Troops led by John Prescott. Tomorrow a Nuclear Plant will be built on that site, and all asylum seekers will be shipped there to build the plant and keep it running for the future.

This will be rolled out to all other nuclear sites, until all asylum seekers are employed and can no longer claim benefits.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 05:51 AM

Any chance of having a Clay Bodrhan Shoot ?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 06:13 AM

Relax everyone, the story about a nuclear plant is just unfounded rubbish and is taken from an original article published in the journal of the Isle of Man

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 06:24 AM

OOOOEEERRRR!!! to continue

...Isle of Man Storytellers Society "Manx Tales".

Asylum seekers are not being used to build nuclear plants, instead they are being rounded up and shot at random. John "Croquet" Prescott was not available for comment today

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 10:26 AM

The nuclear plants thing is another attempt at scaremongering...last year we were supposed to be being invaded by triffids...this year a nuclear plant..whatever next?
Didn't think they had tales (or is it tails?) in the Isle of Man.
As for the asylum seekers Mr Villan...a lot of them arrived here to experience the fine music and singing. John Prescott himself came but gave an asylum seeker a left hook and left! Tony B would have come but his bodyguard feared the presence of extremists (and rightly so as some of the singers are certainly extreme)
The fishing by numbers workshop has been a great success this year but will not take place next year I am told...too many people became hooked on it.
To scotch the rumours that have been circulated re drugs availability in the indoor camping area...regarding the previous post concerning the damage to the toilets...the expression that was used was passing the potty round not the pot! People are not apparently happy about lifting floorboards.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 05:02 AM

I understand the real reason for the discontinuation of the fishing is that campers who were definitely "hooked" on something were floating around the ceiling or hanging from the rafters with the bats and fishing in the flooded spaces where the floorboards used to be. Some of the fish being caught were of a rather putrid nature.

Well it has been a great experience taking part in Blitherscrum's umpteenth festival but now I must leave to go to the rival one at Saddleworth (hope it's a not a spoof)

geoff

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 06:25 AM

The fishing workshop is being held in a different plaice this year due to the new EU fishing policy. Under the new rules British fish can only be caught by Spanish fishermen sailing Irish boats under the French flag.

There is still a shortage of torches for the procession. Interested parties should apply to the festival psychiatrist.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 07:40 AM

The International Shanty Session is to be hosted by the World Famous Swiss Shanty Crew plus an addition to the dance side is the Dutch Mountain Rescue Team Morrismen.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 08:26 AM

""""100""""

Yes, Blitherscrum's oldest resident the Reverend Peeble McStoche, is 100 today. He puts his longevity down to cold baths and a diet of boiled cabbage. The Rev. McStoche gave our reporter this information by megaphone as no one has been near him for at least 10 years. He still lives alone in the hermit's cave.