BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 03:45 PM

What is the sex like in the Mt. Everest base camp?

In tents!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 03:52 PM

When Einstein died he went to heaven beyond any spacetime dimension.
To his delight, he discovered his beloved violin growing out of the top of what appeared to be a violin tree. When it was full size he plucked it from the tree and began to tune it up. Two angels rushed to his side and demanded to know what he was doing. "I was going to play the violin". Oh dear you must not do that. You see God is a saxophonist and dislikes string music including the harp. Dejected, Albert said "oh my I didn't expect tyrants in heaven". The angels scowled and said you are free to admire the violin but you may not play with GOD, it is a rule for all physicists!

Just then a saxophone was heard playing 'Take the A Train'. Einstein couldn't resist and he tucked the violin under his chin and began to play. A tall heavy set God appeared and kicked Einstein squarely in the balls sending his violin flying into pieces on the marble like floor. Lying there with smashed balls Einstein groaned as the angels hovered over him. You are not allowed to play with God and for GOD'S SAKE don't ever take the melody away from God. Al whispered 'Heaven equals a narcissist God times hell squared'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 04:00 PM

That's a minute I'll never get back.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 07:14 PM

Wtf was it all about?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

No-one yet but Donny will make something up soon

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Raggytash
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 08:11 PM

Me neither, It would appear some posters have a Guardian Angel!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 06:26 AM

God does not play dice with the Universe,
S/he plays saxophone alone.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 07:33 AM

If God were the Emcee he would have given you the hook a long time ago. Once more, this an effin JOKE THREAD!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 10:39 AM

A string theorist is kissing his secretary when his wife walks in. She bursts into tears and turns to run out. The string theorist yells,

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

note to the joke police - Donnie is already laughing
Didn't anyone tell you humour is personal?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 10:45 AM

At least someone's laughing at his "jokes".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Mar 24 - 06:10 PM

You should see my illustration of the heavenly violin tree.
I have numerous spin offs for celebrity trouble-in-heaven stories.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Mar 24 - 07:30 AM

I don't get it.

Proctologist (while pulling on a latex glove): Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this exam.

Patient: But doctor, I don't have an erection.

Proctologist: I was talking about me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Mar 24 - 12:51 PM

My friend, a gynaecologist always decorates the hall in his house though the letterbox.
Another person I know insists that the fact he was born by caesarean section is not the cause of his exiting his car via the sunroof.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Mar 24 - 02:35 PM

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A pokemon

My wife has run off with my best friend. God, I miss him...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 08:47 AM

A bloke just tried to sell me a coffin. I told him that is the last thing I need.

I was in the cemetery when I saw four blokes carrying a coffin on their shoulders. I went back four hours later and they were still there, carrying the coffin around. I thought to myself, these guys have really lost the plot...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 09:17 AM

Dave, you put the fun in funeral.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 01:29 PM

Dave, you put the fun in funeral

But anagramatically - who put the real fun in funeral?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 01:36 PM

I'm still trying to figure out who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 02:20 PM

Probably the same person that put the ram in the ramalama ding dong

Back in the 1940s in Peru there was a famous market that traded in livestock. Of course the biggest pull was the llamas that they managed to sell at discount prices because of the sheer volume that they could trade. It all went well until cars became very popular in the 1950s and the big American cars took over pride of place where previously there had been hundreds of llamas. Lots of the market closed down but a very enterprising local businessman opened, in one of the empty spaces, a Chinese takeaway specialing in the local lamb and bamboo shoots that grew surpisingly well in the wet valleys of the Andes. This became very popular with the American car salesman who sang its praises so much that famous US rock and roll stars started to visit regularly. So much so that many songs alluded to the former Llamarama with the lamb bamboo...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Mar 24 - 05:09 AM

A shrink said to his patient, "don't worry, you're not delusional, you only think you are."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Mar 24 - 07:45 AM

Same shrink said "You don't have an inferiority complex. You are inferior."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Mar 24 - 08:54 AM

On the subject of funerals mentioned.... I may have posted these before but they're always good for a laugh.....

The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Cokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………….

It was difficult to overcome my addiction to the ‘Hokey-Cokey’ but I turned myself round and that’s what it’s all about.

The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, is followed by a ‘wake’.

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Apparently the man who invented cough lozenges has died….. There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

At my funeral, I want the bouquet taken from my coffin and thrown to the crowd, to see who’s next!!

Yesterday, the man who invented Velcro died…. RIP.

The man who invented the remote control died yesterday. He is being buried down the back of a sofa.

One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 28 Mar 24 - 09:10 PM

This guy walks into a bar and sets a large box on the barstool next to him. The barkeep comes over and says "What'll you have?" The man says I'm a bit short on funds at the moment but if I show you something amazing will you stand me to a drink?" The bartender looks skeptical and says it would have to be pretty incredible. So the man opens the box and pulls out a tiny grand piano and an itsy-bitsy stool. The he pulls out a chipmunk and sits him on the stool and lo and behold the chipmunk begins to play some Beethoven ... and he's brilliant. The barman allows that that was pretty incredible and pours the guy a double shot of scotch.
   After finishing his drink the many offers to show the bartender something even more amazing for another drink. He replies "More amazing than a chipmunk pianist? Show me what you got." The man reaches back into the box and sets a little dog up on the bar. The chipmunk plays an intro and then the wee dog begins to sing. He sings Danny Boy and there's not a dry eye in the house. The bartender pours him another stiff one and then he says "You seem to be down on your luck, how about I buy these animals?" The guy says " Well, the chipmunks been with me for long time but I guess I could part with the dog." They agree on a price and the barman takes the dog in the back to feed him. A third man standing nearby begins to berate the man saying "How could you sell that dog. Why a singing dog could make you a fortune." The places a finger to his lips and says "Shhh, the chipmunk is a ventriloquist" and quickly exits the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Neil D
Date: 28 Mar 24 - 09:13 PM

Speaking of Beethoven, do you know why he hates chickens?
Because when he asks who is the greatest composer the chickens say "Bawk, bawk."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 Mar 24 - 07:06 AM

Ray Alan, the ventriloquist, appeared once on Saturday Night at the Mill (a programme on the Beeb), with his dummy Lord Charles.

Alan: What'll you have to drink?
Charles: A gottle of gear.
Alan: Don't you mean a bottle of beer?
Charles (stumblingly): Of course I mean a bottle of beer --- I'm trying to make it easier for you, you fool.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Mar 24 - 02:27 PM

An extremely ancient couple were worried that they both kept forgetting little things, so they decided to write each other little notes.
One day, the wife said to her husband, "Please go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream. Now, do you want me to write a note so that you'll remember what I want?"

"Absolutely not! "he said. "I can remember a little thing like that, without you writing a note!"

"Well," she said, "Would you please put some strawberries and cream on my ice cream as well? Do you want me to write a note?"

"Absolutely not!" he retorted. "I can remember all that quite easily without a note!"

So off he went into the kitchen. There were quite a few minutes of pots and pans being crashed around. Eventually he came back into the sitting room and presented his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

"Oi!" she said, "Where's the toast I asked for?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Mar 24 - 02:28 PM

My wife said that I needed a new password for a shopping website. I said, "How's about 'Mypenis'?"

A couple of minutes later she came back in the room and said that the message from the website was "Too short. Choose something longer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 11:39 AM

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist just looks up the bush.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 12:36 PM

:-D I'm pinching that

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 02:00 PM

That reminds me of:

Whats the difference between a sewing machine and a woman running down the street?


A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Mar 24 - 05:08 AM

What is the difference between a magic wand and a Police officers night stick~?      The magic wand is for cunning stunts!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Apr 24 - 10:52 AM

Tasers, too...

Stealing the bobbin one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Apr 24 - 08:45 AM

Heard on The Daily Show, under the heading TRUMP SELLS BIBLES:

Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing. God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a 3 month prison sentence for lying under oath.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:47 AM

One from Steve :-)

An old boy and his missus had lived a very long and healthy life, thanks to her obsession with a carefully balanced diet, plenty of exercise and moderation in all things. But at the age of 95 they died in an air crash and were met at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"Well, you've lived perfect lives and you can come straight in. You can do whatever you like in here - eat, drink as much as you like, play golf all day on our heavenly golf course, watch films all day in our luxury cinema - anything at all, no medical or any other consequences, you won't get fat and it's all perfectly free for evermore!"

"What, no restrictions at all?" asked the old boy.

"None whatsoever! The perfect life for all eternity!"

The old boy turned to his missus and said angrily, "We could have been here thirty years ago, Doris. You and your bloody Bran Flakes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:07 PM

My wife likes to talk during sex, last she called me from a hotel.- Rodney Dangerfield

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 06:17 PM

Left out "night", jeesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Apr 24 - 06:53 AM

My ex wife once said to me 'I am brilliant at multi tasking' I told her to sit down and shut up....but she couldn't do either!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Apr 24 - 06:59 AM

Another Steve one :-)

Bloke went to confession and told the priest that he'd shagged Fanny Green twice in a week.

"Three Hail Marys, my son, and behave from now on."

A while later another bloke confessed to the priest that he'd shagged Fanny Green four times in a week.

"Bejaysus, son, ten Hail Marys and ten Glory Bes for you, and from now on keep your trousers up."

That Sunday at the start of Mass, a tall, elegant woman with a very short skirt and emerald green high heels sat on the front pew with her legs slightly apart. The priest whispered to the altar boy, "Is that Fanny Green?"

"No, Father, it's just the reflection from her shoes..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Apr 24 - 07:15 AM

...and another :-D

An old lady offers the bus driver a handful peanuts. He thanks her and happily munches away.

After a few minutes she gives him another handful of peanuts. This happens several times.

Eventually, the driver asks her why she doesn't eat them herself.

"Well," she says, "I can't chew. Look, I have no teeth..."

"Then why do you buy
them?" asks the driver.

"Oh, I just love sucking the
chocolate off the outsides."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 11:33 AM

Bit of my own. Well, Stephen Fry really but I repeated it :-)

I was taking a stroll through the meadows when I stopped and bent down to inspect a flower

"What are you doing?" asked my friend

"Picking a buttercup" I replied

"Who on earth would leave a buttock lying in a meadow..?"

Now back to the main show...

A bloke is trying to chat up a lovely young woman he's just met in a bar.

"Have you ever seen a penis?" he asked her, ever so subtly.

"A penis? What word is that?? Never heard of it!"

Well come back to my place and I'll show you mine!"

So they go back to his place and he, er, whips out his willy.    "So what do you think?"

"Ah, so that's a penis then!" she replied. "It's just like a dick, but a lot smaller!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 01:18 PM

I was talking to a bloke that said he was a famous pop star in the 80s. I told him that he may be mistaken but he was adamant

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 04:07 AM

I think Steve has been inspired by the stolen Jesus thread :-)

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf. Jesus teed off and hit his ball which went right into the pond. Disgusted, he walked on the water, reached down, grabbed his ball, and went to the next hole. Moses hit his ball which also went right into the pond. He parted the water, grabbed his ball, and went to the next hole. The old man hit his ball right at the pond but, before the ball hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball, and before the fish could fall back in the water a huge eagle swooped down and snatched it out of midair. As the eagle flew over the putting green, it dropped the fish and the ball flew out of the fish's mouth and rolled into the hole.

Jesus looked at the old man and said “Nice going dad. Now can we please stop messing around and just play golf?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 05:05 AM

I always called my ex wife 'treasure'.....for two reasons really... the first because when we got together, all my mates asked where had I dug her up....the second...because she had a sunken chest.

When my ex wife asked me for an example of innuendo...I gave her one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 06:26 AM

Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.

The pig was killed.

The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

“What happened?” asked the President.

“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.

The driver replied: “I just said I was Donald Trump’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

another Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 08:38 AM

That is an exact cut and paste from my cut and paste to the Trump thread on 10 Apr 24 - 07:14 AM!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 10:50 AM

Now the banished Shaw seems to have 2 surrogates acting on his behalf here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 03:32 AM

Is that supposed to be a joke gillymor? It's as bad as one of Don's!

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said ‘Parking Fine.’, so that was nice.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 07:13 AM

Just an observation, Dave.

Your joke reminds me of another note found on a wind shield-

"I've just run into your car, people are milling about. They think I'm writing down my contact information. They are wrong."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 07:37 AM

I think all the jokes on here are C&P'd unless there is an original joke writer amongst us. Don is closest I suppose but while his may be original, they certainly aren't jokes :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 02:04 PM

cut and pasted...

The Trump trial will be a first but it is the OPPOSITE in every way to the OJ Simpson trial.

The Trump trial will not be televised.
OJ was televised and watched by millions.
OJ was an athlete, Trump needs a golf cart.
The Trump motorcade is preceded by police vehicles.
OJ's Bronco was followed by police vehicles.
OJ had the best lawyers in the country.
Trump has legal mouthpieces.
The Trump trial involves his dick
The OJ trial involved a knife.
Trump is MAGA white racist.
OJ was so black they redecorated his house 'white' for the trial.
For OJ if it didn't fit you must acquit.
For Trump one size fits all.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 02:06 PM

Is that supposed to be a joke?

Trump strolls out of the White House one snowy morning to find that someone has written, in piss, "Trump is a bastard" in the snow. Enraged, he orders his security team to investigate.

Later:

"Well, sir, the urine sample matches the DNA of Mike Pence. But that isn't all, sir..."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well, sir, the handwriting is Melania's..."