Folklore: Limericks [9]

Subject: Limericks
From: GUEST,guesting.. a Cristimas Pressy for Bert :)
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 12:29 AM

There was a fellow called Mort
Whos things were incredibly small
So to make amends he and some friends
Glued a Vacuum Cleaner to his shoe.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: DonMeixner
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:03 AM

I stood on a stage and recited, Of the ages when knighthood was knighted, And their maidens fair Wore no underwear, leaving vassals and pages delighted.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Art Thieme
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:35 AM

This is so filthy that 99% of it had to be BLEEEPED out !!

Da bleepity, bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity, bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity bleep, da bleepity bleep,
Da bleepity, bleepity fuck.

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:36 AM

Guest, Guesting, I think you screwed up there on the rhymes. I notice that amends and friends DOES rhyme which doesn't work with the rest of your composition, so I would suggest a modest change. It also scans too well, so let's try this instead:

There was a fellow called Mort
Who's testicular appendages were somewhat on the small side
So to make amends
He and some of his other buddies
Glued a Vacuum Cleaner to his shoe.

See....With just a little more work, it's a complete fuck-up! Happy to help, no need for thanks!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: tremodt
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:37 AM

there once was a man from nantucket

can i finish this one here at Mudcat >

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:41 AM

Obviously you don't read my fuckin' posts.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 01:48 AM

Old Limerick threads:

Favorite Limericks

Limericks Anyone,1

Limericks Anyone,2

Limericks Anyone,3

Favourite Limerick

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bert
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 02:16 AM

Thanks guesting, just what I needed.

Art, That's a great one, I think I'll use that myself.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,guesting
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:31 PM

in a gnot glaughing :)

spaw is a true Gnowit as well as the supreme Art

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Hollowfox
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 06:23 PM

Wow, Art, I haven't heard that one in years! I first heard it as a shaggy dog story (diddily dum instead of bleepity bleep) Ah, the classics...

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 06:47 PM

There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp.
....When they asked, "Does it hurt?",
....He replied, "Yes, it does,
"But I thought all the while 'twas a hornet."

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:09 PM

I heard it as:

There was an old man of Dundee,
Who was stung on the neck by a wasp.
....When asked if it hurt,
....He said, "No Not at all,
It can do it again if it wants."

WassaiL! V

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: brid widder
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:15 PM

Remember theRambling Syd Rumpo thread last week...well Round the Horne had a Limerick contest....

An animal breeder called Gluck

once crossed a hamster and Duck

when asked for a name for this creature of fame

He replied 'well we're calling it Gladys'

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:17 PM

pish-posh! Dundee and wasp don't scan! *grin*

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:22 PM

There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When asked why that was
He said "It's because
I try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can."

WassaiL! V

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:32 PM

Don't even get me started on this!!!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 07:54 PM

A careless old gasman named Peter,
With a match poked around a gas heater.
Touched a leak with his light,
And rose out of sight
And as anyone who knows anything about the art of poetry can probably tell you...he also ruined the meter.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Micca
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 08:29 PM

There was a young lady called Bluitt at fellation, was good and KNEW it she explained her technique was not so unique "like tobacco , but smoke it don't chew it"

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Micca
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 08:42 PM

Bugger forgot the line breaks
There was a young lady called Bluitt
at fellation, was good and KNEW it
she explained her technique
was not so unique
"like tobacco , but smoke it don't chew it"

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 08:55 PM

I sat at my desk reading Sartre
But I couldn't take him to heart
His words flowed like goose crap
And inspired me to nap
After ripping a well metered fart.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Annraoi
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 09:05 PM

"There was a young lady named Starkey
Who went for a walk with a darkie.
To atone for her sins
She had triplets, not twins
One black, one white and one khaki!"
And, before anyone says anything, don't come the Political Correctness crap with me. It's only a joke, for God's sake!!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 10:37 PM

write that one your own creative self, did you, 'spaw?...*grin*

I'd give it a 1.5 on a scale of 10...c'mon-- edit it a bit...*wink*

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:26 AM

A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tattooed on his belly
By the time that a Brahmin
Got down to the "Amen,"
He'd blown both salvation, and Kelly.

P.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Trevor
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:50 AM

There was a young man from Calcutta
Who had an unfortunate stutter
He said 'P-p-p-p-please
Would you p-pass the cheese
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butter.

Boom boom.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Micca
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 12:54 PM

There was a young Shepeherd called Trevor at castrating the lambs was quite clever with his good trusty crook their necks he would hook with his teeth the vas deferens sever

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Gusty
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 02:51 PM

In the country called Afghanistan
Once ruled the scum, Taliban.
But the Allies got tough,
Taliban's had enough,
Now they're running as fast as they can.

That coward we know as Bin Laden.
No, his crimes they will not be forgotten.
We should make him drink bourbon,
Wipe our ass on his turban,
And feed him with pork that is rotten!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Penny S.
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 05:41 PM

I think the non-PC one about the mixed offspring should be "One black, one white and two khaki", (as I heard it, without the preamble) because of the Mendelian inheritance. It doesn't quite fit the situation described, though.

Penny

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: nosluap57
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 10:56 PM

A good limerick site, although it is no longer maintained

http://www.webcom.com/~erique/limerick/

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Art Thieme
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM

There was a young man named Art,
Who posted that fuck one in all the other limerick threads too,
When asked why he did,
He just answered, "Hey kid...
Da bleepity bleepity blart.

(Art)

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Art Thieme
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:56 PM

A latino fireman, you see,
Had a girlfriend who was called Rose Marie,
They wed, had a son,
Named Jose (number 1),
And the 2nd, of course, was Hose B !!!

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Art Thieme
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:58 PM

I just made that up from an old joke I used to tell.

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Micca
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 12:14 PM

Art, ya ol'buggah, That was a "coffee down the nose" moment brill!!! thank you...

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Jim Krause
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 02:40 PM

There was a young girl named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas

There, is that raunchy enough?
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 04:28 PM

A scuzzy Mudcatter named Spaw Kept the rest of the Mudcat in awe; His jokes were laborious And his gasses, uproarious While his language was outside the Law!

Of Mudcatters raunchy and weird, Old Spaw tales the prize, I'm afeared While others try bleating, As a way of competing, He just farts through a hole in his beard!

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 04:31 PM

A scuzzy Mudcatter named Spaw
Kept the rest of the Mudcat in awe;
His jokes were laborious
And his gasses, uproarious
While his language was outside the Law!

Of Mudcatters raunchy and weird,
Old Spaw tales the prize, I'm afeared
While others try bleating,
As a way of competing,
He just farts through a hole in his beard!

An incompetent poster named Amos
Made gaffes that were stupid (and famous)
He would send us bad rhymes
Posting each one two times
Inviting his betters to flame us!

Ok, ok!!! 'Nuff trash!!

A.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Cappuccino
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 04:44 PM

I've been waiting for these but they never arrived, so:

A dirty old bishop from Birmingham Seduced young girls while confirming 'em As he sung 'nunc dimittis' He fondled their titties And ejected episcopal sperm in 'em.

Up spoke an old lady of Kew Who said 'Bishop, is that really true? I've heard that the vicar Is quicker, and thicker, And stronger, and longer than you...'

Not at this year's carol concert, I fear. - ian B

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST,Hagbardr
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 10:16 PM

There once was a man from Madras Who had balls made our of fine brass In times of bad weather He'd clang them together And sparks would fly out of his arse

There once was a young knight from France Who decided to give sex a chance To Scotland he travelled His belt he unraveled And skewered a sheep on his lance

There once was a young lad from Brighton Who remarked his first lay was a tight'un She said "you're a fool you've got the wrong hool there's plenty more room in the right'un!"

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 12:01 AM

A Clean Nantucket Limerick

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who carried a fish in a bucket
He screamed and he hollered
As he sat on a bollard
"This thing stinks so bad I should chuck it!"

Wincing Devil   >;-( He who laughs last, missed that particular Sienfeld episode

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 08:32 PM

First .... Very nice Amos. I'll deal with you later....

Let me say that it is not uncommon for me to get e-mails and PM's from other 'Catters with some info or a website or something they have found somewhere that for some reason made them think of me. These are generally forwarded with note inferring that the sender wouldn't use it, but I was of course free to do so. Uh, huh............Meaning: "I wouldnt want anyone to know I found such crap, but I'm sending it to you because Ol' Spaw will post anything!

Sadly, this is true.

I have never revealed the 'Catters who have sent me so many of these "jewels," for which I am widely known and often criticized.....and I won't in this case either, although if you read closely, I have spelled it out for you.

Now, I am about to post another....this time on a dare. I expect to catch some flak, but it's important to maintain your rep so.........After receiving this turkey here I enjoy my exultation.........In what you ask? Well, winning the bet of course!

There was a young man named Souse,
Who traded his wife for an outhouse,
When folks asked him, "Why",
He just slapped his thigh,
And said "'Cause the hole was smaller and it smelled better !!!"

Really gawdawful and insulting as hell ain't it? But there you have it!!!

Spaw---(Did see the name of the 'Catter? It's there!!)

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: musicmick
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 10:53 PM

Well, I'm glad to see that these threads have reached their intelectual apex. Limericks are the "Bubblegum" of humor, fit for the unfit, only. Needless to say, I've written hundreds of them. I have, even, had limerick writing contests for my readers (I write a rambling column for a folksong publication in Philadelphia). I insisted that their submissions be within the bounds of good taste, as my editor is so straight, he wouldn't say, "come" with a drop on his gum. When I was conducting the campfire sings at the Philly Festival (a nocturnal obligation I fulfilled for thirty years) my rules were more relaxed. Here's one I wrote for the traditional Smut Hour.

Sure as mug shots yield non-words like muggery/ Sure as graverobbers gave us skullduggery/ There's a six legged lass/ With a cock up her ass/ The true ante-cedent of buggery.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: ddw
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 10:57 PM

Uh-oh, Spaw. You've got competition.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM

There was a young fellow called Munchez,
Whose Language was mostly atrunchez,
All he could say,
Through the whole live-long day
Was, "Yez baastards! Yez fuckers! Yez cunchez!"

There was a young vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods were very unstable,
One night at full moon,
She went down with a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.

There was a young lass from the Azores,
Whose cunt was al festered with sores,
The dogs in the street
Used to eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.

OK, Spaw, you're up!

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:48 PM

Yeah....Well..............

The priests of St. Patrick's confessed it.
Young Sister Ann is the absolute best yet.
They plumbed deep in the ass,
Of the lovely young lass,
And now when she shits they all bless it.

Okay...For sheer grossness and sacrelige, beat that.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 11:57 PM

Does it strike anyone else as vaguely miraculous that Spaw can come up with crap like that one minute, and the next can write an original, balanced, coherent ande accurate imitation of Wittgenstein? Obviously, he retired too early -- IBM Needs You, Spaw!!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 12:19 AM

OK, Spaw.

To his son, said a fellow named Patterson
"When dating young girls, pick them fatter,son."
So the son dated one
Who weighed over a ton,
"Step aside," said hs dad, "let me at 'er son!"

There was an old bishop from Franktom
Who checked all the nuns and he ranked 'em,
As to depth of the twat
And how cold or how hot,
And rthe way that they fucked in his sanctum.

You're up.

Seamus

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 02:04 AM

Aw geez Seamus.....but .....Well,okay.........

A long knifelike cock had Benjamin Hunt
It was sharp and not at all blunt
T'was very well known
And he couldn't get blown
But he could really tear up a cunt!

Young Janie loved playing pretend
Her vibrator was her best friend
In her twat! Up her ass!
In her mouth! Ain't that crass?
But she lost all her teeth in the end.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 08:27 AM

There was a young fellow called Simpson
And he was a whore's and a pimp's son
When he went to bed
With his mother, she said
It's no fucking use if it's limp, son

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 08:35 AM

Hehehehe...you dirty b@st@rds...

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: DeanC
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 09:11 AM

Tallulah, a calico cat
On the highway was chasing a rat
Along came a truck
And the cat didn't duck
Now she's happy in heaven - but flat.

With apologies to Eric Bogle for the idea.

Subject: RE: BS: Limericks
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Dec 01 - 09:19 AM

There was a young man named Morse
Who went for a ride on a donkey
He tripped on a hummock
and fell on his head
And got up and said "tut tut!"