Bawdy Limericks [1]

Subject: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bert Hansell
Date: 25 Feb 97 - 01:08 PM

This is a branch from the 'Roll me over' thread.

Bill mentioned 'Waltz me around again Willie'

This is the version that I sing....


There was a young girl from Devizes
Had tits of different sizes;
one it was small
and worth nothing at all;
the other was big and won prizes

Chorus

That was a horrible song
sing us another one
just like the other one
sing us another one too.


There was a young fellow from kent
whose prick was peculiarly bent
to save himself trouble
he shoved it in double
instead of coming he went

There was a young girl from Detroit
who at screwing was very adroit
she could squeeze her vagina
to a pinpoint or finer
or open it out like a quoit

There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
she lay on her back
and opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling.

There was an old fellow from Cosham
who took out his bollocks to wash 'em
his wife said 'Oh Jack,
if you don't put 'em back,
I shall tread on your bollocks and squash 'em'

There was a young lady from Exeter
so pretty that men craned their necks at 'er
and one went so far
as to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

There was an old bishop of Rockingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham
watching the stunts
of the cunts in the punts
and the tricks of the pricks who were Fucking 'em

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
who seduced yound girls while confirming 'em
the dirty old bassok
he lifted his cassock
and stuck his episcopal worm in 'em

There was a young fellow named Dave
who found a dead whore in a cave
he must hava had pluck
to have a cold fuck
but think of the money he'd save

There was a young lady from Hitchin
was scratching her cunt in the kitchen
her mother said 'Rose
it's the crabs I suppose'
Rose said 'Bollocks! get on with your stitchin''

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Reiscza Dahll
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 12:56 PM

There once was a man from calcutta,
who liked to have sex with his mudda,
when the baby came out,
she said with a shout,
"say hello to your son and your brudda!"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM

A young undergrad at St.John's
Was caught trying to bugger the swans
Said the loyal head porter
Here, please, take my daughter
The swans are reserved for the dons

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: kendall
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 02:51 PM

I know a lot of such things, but I have too much class to post them here.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM

'I know a lot of such things, but I have too much class to post them here.'

Alright here's a non-bawdy limerick for the 'classy' among us..

There once was a woman named Plunnery,
Who was practiced in the art of gunnery,
One day, unobservant, she blew up a servant,
And had to retire to a nunnery.

Charlotte (the view from Ma and Pa's piano stool)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 05:00 PM

Again, here's one I wrote a few months ago , for those who missed it;

   A young Belfast sailor named Sid,
    tried to bugger himself with a fid;
    He smeared it with lard,
    and sat down on it hard,
    but it split him in half ( so it did ).

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 05:03 PM

Oh alright......

There was a young man at Trinity
who stole his sister's virginity,
He buggered his brother,
had twins by his mother,
And then then took a first in divinity

Charlotte (you can blame my dad for that one)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 06:53 PM

From deep in the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar "Good gracious!
Did Brother Ignatius
Forget that the Bishop has piles?"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 06:56 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina.
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,G.I. Joe
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 07:11 PM

Oh for Gods Sake here are 2 books for you The Limerick edited by Bell Publishing Co. NY   contains 1700 Limericks also
The New Limerick published by Crown Published Publishing Co Contains 2750 Limericks on every bawdy thing you can think of plus a few more

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: kendall
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 08:56 PM

And I think Midchuck knows all of them.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 09:37 PM

The man whom UTAH PHILLIPS HIMSELF has called "The best singer of North American folk songs I know of" has recognized ME as the master of dirty limericks. That's probably the closest I'll come to fame and glory in this life. I can die happy.

Peter

A race that may someday contain us,
Though at present, they choose to disdain us,
Are the warriors, all gay,
Just for planets away.
Men of Earth! Look to...

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Gurney
Date: 30 Mar 08 - 11:40 PM

The was a young fiddler in Rio,
was courting a maiden(?) named Cloe.
As she took off her panties
she said "No andantes.
I want this allegro con brio!"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: masato sakurai
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 12:00 AM

Matt McGinn inserted and sang limericks in his version of I Was Born 10,000 Years Ago (at YouTube).

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 06:02 AM

There was a young fellow called Pugh (no relation |:-) )
Lived on underpants scrapings ansd spew.
When he couldn't get that
He'd eat what he shat -
And very fine shit he shat, too.

Our local cinematorium
Is not just a visual sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: topical tom
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 11:01 AM

There was a young man from Madras
   Whose balls were made out of brass.
   With each step he took
   They clattered and shook
   And lightning shot out of his ass.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 11:30 AM

One good turn deserves another:

    The was a young miss from Madras,
    Who had a magnificent ass!
    T'wasn't round and pink,
    As you undoubtedly think,
    But was black, had long ears and ate grass!

Of course, there's always:

    The was a young man from Boston,
    Who drove a little red Austin.
    There was room for his ass,
    And a gallon of gas,
    But his balls hung out, and he lost 'em.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: scouse
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 04:57 PM

A real Gem..

There was a young lady from Ealing
Declared, she had no sexual feeling.
Till a young man named Boris
Touched her Clitoris
And she had to be scrapped off the ceilling!!

As Aye,
Phil.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: frogprince
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 05:30 PM

A lonely gay lad from Kartoum took a lesbian up to his room;
They argued all night, over who had the right
To do what, and how, and to whom.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,GrannyInWales
Date: 31 Mar 08 - 07:36 PM

Some of my favourites, called to mind immediately -

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia
Threepence a smell was all very well
But sixpence a lick was a fahlia.

There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
"I much prefer Vicar
He's quicker and slicker
And two inches longer than you"

There once was a man called McCool
Found a red ring round the end of his tool
He went to the clinic
His Doctor, a cynic
Said, "That's only lipstick you fool"

There was a young lady called Etta
Who fancied herself in a sweater
Three reasons she had,
To keep warm was not bad
But the other two reasons were better.

There was a young lady from Guam
Who observed, "The Pacific's so calm,
I'll swim out for a lark",
Then she met a large shark
Let us now sing the 23rd Psalm.

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway
She said to her young man
"Get off the divan
Cos I think that I've just found one more way".

...and there's more, later if required....

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 06:00 AM

Whilst wandering once around Mousehole
I found a brown paper parcel.
In it was shit
And on it was writ
'A present from my granddad's arsehole'.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 07:49 AM

Still waiting for the full version of

There was a young lady called Annie
Who plaited the hairs on her fanny . . .

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Sgt. Major
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 01:33 PM

There was a young plumber, from Lea
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl to the plumber,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber, still plumbing,
It's ME!

There was a young bloke from Adair,
Who was boffing a girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And polished her off in mid-air!

There was a young lad from Deaver,
Who had intercourse with a beaver.
The result of this ----
Was a three legged duck,
Two otter and a Laborador Retriever.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Menno
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 02:22 PM

The Limerick packs laughs gastronimical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good one's I've seen
So seldom are clean
and the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,GrannyInWales
Date: 01 Apr 08 - 09:04 PM

Yesssssss! and quite right too!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,The Grocer
Date: 04 Apr 08 - 04:46 PM

I humbly submit the following as being a better version of 'The Bishop of Birmingham' -

The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham
Used to bugger young boys whilst confirming 'em,
As they knelt on their hassocks,
He lifted their cassocks,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in'em.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: The Walrus
Date: 04 Apr 08 - 09:09 PM

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia
The colour was fine
Likewise the design
But the aroma? Now THAT was a failure.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: topical tom
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 01:35 PM

There once was a girl from Lahore
          Whose ass was all covered with sores.
          When she walked in the street the dogs lapped at the meat
          That hung in green gobs from her drawers.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Apr 08 - 07:43 PM

There was a young belle of old Natchez,
Whose panties were always in patches.
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She drawled, "Where Ah itches, Ah scratches".

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 03:40 AM

The Limerick is furtive and mean,
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneaks to the slums,
And promptly becomes,
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Bobby Zelmet
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 07:05 PM

There was a young man from Kayunk
Who fell asleep in his bunk
He dreamt that Venus was pullin his penis
And he floated away on the spunk.

There was a young feller from Liger
Who went to bed with a tiger
The result of that f--k was a three-legged duck,
two shrimps and a circumcised spider.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 06 Apr 08 - 09:02 PM

Composed today:

Mr. Heston (whom no one called "Chuck")
Went through life on a wave of good luck.
Tho' the record discloses
He was not really Moses,
Nobody gave much of a ..

Peter

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bert
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 12:08 AM

Naughty one Midchuck.

By the way, where the hell did this thread disappear to for nine years?

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 12:50 AM

A charming young vampire called Mabel
Had menses remarkably stable;
One night at full moon,
She went down with a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.


Seamus

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: pavane
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:24 AM

As can be seen above:

The Limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
and masculine urgins
And swarms of erotic effex

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:52 AM

There was a young man of Calcutta
Who went for a look in the gutter -
But all he could see
Was his wife's belly
And the arse of the bloke who was up 'er.

There was a young man from the Cape
Who was fucked by a bloody huge ape.
He yelled 'Get out, you fool -
You've got a square tool
Which is knocking me hole out of shape !'

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 08:38 AM

There was a young maid from Dundee
Who was had by an ape up a tree.
The result was most horrid,
All arse and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 10:13 AM

There was a young lady named Syd
Who swore no man could give her a kid.
But a brown-eyed Italian
With balls like a stallion
Could, and he would - and he did !

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Sue Allan
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 10:19 AM

When Titian was painting rose madder
His model sat up on a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he popped up the ladder and had her.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 11:24 AM

There was a young fellow named Fred
Had a tool with a corkscrew-shaped head.
He found, having hunted,
A girl corkscrew-cunted,
But, alas, with a Fred-reversed thread.

My "hardware" limerick. I used to clerk in a small town hardware store (circa 1978-9) where I'd wear my "hardware" T-shirt -- "Hard lay, soft lay, laid as you want it -- Rockport Rope and Twine Company".

Linn

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 02:17 PM

There was a young lady called Jude
Who appeared on the stage starkers nude.
A man at the front
Shouted out "cunt",
Just like that, right out loud, bloody rude!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Jonny Sunshine
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM

I haven't laughed so much in ages.. Anyway:

There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were halisbury-scalisbury,
He went about Hampshire
Without any pampshire
Till his vicar compelled him to walisbury

(for the benefit of readers outside the UK, Salisbury is commonly abbrievated to "Sarum", and Hampshire to "Hants")

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 03:05 PM

There once was a lady named Cager,
Who as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F-major.

Charlotte (in the music room)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:37 PM

If you've followed the prodigal's way,
And much to your father's dismay,
Go forth with all speed,
Oh, ye profligate seed,
And sow your wild oats where ye may.

A dying old lawyer's last act,
Was behavior he could not redact.
A child, from this coitus,
In articulo mortis'
Was his antepenultimate act!

There was a young maid from Cape Cod,
Who thought all babies came from God.
But, it wasn't the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the Lodger, by God!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Rich
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 05:39 PM

There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born 9 months too soon
He hadn't the luck
to be born by a fuck
He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Apr 08 - 08:26 PM

Geoff: Aliter:

A lady lubricious and lewd
Once stood in a queue in the nude,
When a man down in front
Hollered out "I smell ****" --
Just like that! Right out loud! Fucking rude!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:04 AM

A lady who lived at Throgmorton
Had one long tit and one short 'un.
As well as that
She'd a big, hairy twat
And could fart like a 500 Norton.

(Norton - a British motor-cycle, 50s vintage.)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:13 AM

Bert Hansell : aliter

There was a young lady from Hitchin
Scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said 'Rose
You've the crabs, I suppose.'
Rose said 'Yes, and the fuckers are itchin'!'

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: theleveller
Date: 08 Apr 08 - 11:23 AM

There was a young goucho called Bruno
Who said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine
Small boys are divine
But the llama is numero uno"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 08:25 AM

There once was a conjurer, Pauk
Who performed his tricks in the hall.
For his party trick
He'd balance on his prick
And then roll down the hall on one ball.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 10:41 AM

There was a young fellow named Dodd
Who put his own mother in pod.
He did it to spite her,
the rotter, the blighter,
The bugger, the arsehole, the sod.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:08 AM

Scraping the barrel ?

There was a young fellow called Rex
Who was utterly useless at sex.
His girl-friend, agape
Said'I can't call that rape -
De minimis non curat lex !'

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 11:37 AM

For those who have problems remembering lyrics:

There was a young lady in Spain
Who met with dishonor, again.
And again, and again,
And again, and again,
And again, and again, and again.

P.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Bobby Zelmet
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 05:24 PM

Anyone ever come across this one? It's not very dirty or witty, but it's the very first limerick I heard when I was about 4 which is 56 years ago. The old lady next door told me it and she was from King's Lynn but living in Hull.

There was a young lady from Spain
She cocked her leg over a train,
The train went fast
And tickled her arse
There was a young lady from Spain

I seem to remember there were lots of children's limericks around then that repeated the first line at the end.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Apr 08 - 07:57 PM

Limericks that have the first & last line the same (or ending the same) are sometimes called "learicks", because Edward Lear favored that scheme:

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, "It's absurd
To encourage this bird!"
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Rich
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 05:36 PM

OK someone had to put this one in. I was hoping it would be someone else.

There once was a man from Nantucket
his dick was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin
if my ear were a cunt I would fuck it

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Old Grizzly
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 06:19 PM

There was an old man from Wales
who lived on gangrenous snails
when he could get none of these
he lived on green cheeze
that he picked off his dick with his nails

yakki da

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Lighter
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 06:33 PM

Has anybody ever sung limericks with a chorus that refers to the city of Limerick?

If so, what are the words and tune?

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: The Sandman
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 07:06 PM

a young cleric from Ballydehob.
had a willie that reached to his gob.
he revealed his intentions
to young girls at confession.
while he rode on his dickey,and sobbed

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Apr 08 - 08:45 PM

There was also a man from Nantucket
Who went down to hell in a bucket.
When asked to come out,
He'd just sit there and shout
"Up your arseholes, you buggers! and suck it!"

I once saw a man on a bus with a T-shirt that said "*I* am the young man from Nantucket", but I missed the chance to ask him which he was.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,benhayes, limerick - yes!!!!!!!!!
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 07:37 AM

a policeman's daughter from Louth
longed for a cock hard and stout
she tried masturbation
to relieve her frustration
but had worn all his batons out.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:07 AM

I once saw a man on a bus with a T-shirt that said "*I* am the young man from Nantucket", but I missed the chance to ask him which he was.

I have one of those shirts. Found at a yard sale years ago. I save it for formal occasions.

Peter

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:38 AM

What one learns from the many, many limerick threads is that there are about 27 common, well-known bawdy limericks....and they get posted over & over & over...with small variations.


wait...maybe there's 31...

One other thing one learns, is that some folks don't care much about keeping the meter very precise.


(oh...and the one back in April, about 'farting the oboe part', is a short variation of a LONG one called "The Farter from Sparta", which is one of the most erudite creations in the genré.)(It's in the database, but MUCH expanded from the original, and with a bit less care given to precise meter and classical references)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,ben hayes, limerick city (the homeof..)
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 11:22 AM

there was a man from knocklong,
who's prick was amazingly strong,
as he hammered the bum
of a girl who was dumb
she suddenly burst into song!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,ben hayes, limerick rake 3
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 11:27 AM

There was a man from Hongkong
who's prick was extremely long
one blistering day
as he stood in bombay
he fucked a whore in Ceylon!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 03:19 PM

Bil D - I CANT resist posting -:

There was a young man from Japan
Who'se Limericks never would scan#
When they asked him why
He made this reply
I like to get as many words in the last line as ever I possibly can .

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: trevek
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 05:49 PM

A sex-starved girl named Jill
Used a dynamite stick for a thrill
Twas in North Carolina they found her vagina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a c*nt I could f*ck it.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Musket
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 06:08 PM

There was a young man of high station
Found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To I won't say a bitch
But a woman of no reputation.

I suppose where I come from, we would say she had a reputation rather than not having one? Tends to date the limerick somewhat...

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 08:35 PM

Aliter:

An audacious young lady named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina --
Her rectum, in Buckingham Palace.

There once was a certain Dalmatian,
A canine of high social station.
He was found in a ditch
With -- I won't say a bitch,
But -- a person of no reputation.

A dumb meter-reader named Peter
Used a candle to read a gas meter.
The predictable leak
Blew him into next week,
And, as you can tell if you know anything about scansion, it also ruined the meter.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:05 PM

The guy who wrote songs for our band
Wrote Limericks that never totally scanned
No matter how hard he tried
Though he roamed far and near
He never quite found the correct Rhyme or meter

OR !!


There was a young man named Magee
Who was stung on the neck by a bee
When asked if it hurt
He said "No not at all !
It can do it again if it likes "

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 10:03 PM

My point has been proved...the Nantucket one was posted AGAIN in this very thread...as have the ones ABOUT meter & scansion.

But thank you, one & all...

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: pavane
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 04:15 AM

A good many of the ones quoted can be found in the "Pan book of Limericks" c1972.

As well as this subtle one:

Young girls who frequent picture palaces
Set no store by psychoanalysis
Though the great Mr Freud
Got rather annoyed
They just cling to their old-fashioned fallacies

(If you don't get the pun when reading it, try saying the last word aloud)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hunt
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 07:36 AM

A habit obscene and unsavoury
Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery
With maniac howls
He deflowers young owls
He keeps in an underground aviary

Now the Bishop of Dunstan-St-Just
Was consumed by a similar lust
So he raped all those owls
Those elegant fowls
And a little green lizard what bust.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hunt
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 07:46 AM

I actually wrote some I use when trying out PA systems

When I need to try out the PA
I have to have something to say
So what do I do
I just say one two
Not exactly original eh?


When we're trying out the sound system
Our engineer needs some assistin'
To try out the mic
We could say what we like
But one-two,one-two takes some resistin'

Why do I just say one two, one two, one two (fading echo effect!)
When anything else would do, would do, would do
I know it sounds boring
But please stop your snoring
I'm doing it just for the crew, the crew, the crew,the crew.......

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Fifer
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 10:56 AM

Our Plumbers new bathroom creation
immediately caused a sensation!
In the wink of an eye,
it would unzip your fly,
and simulate master-bi-ation

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: theleveller
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 11:02 AM

There was a young fellow named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cocksucker,
Said, "Don't blow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips;
The boys like it best when you pucker.



From the depths of the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar, "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: theleveller
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 12:11 PM

A well-endowed fellow called Stark
Swan nude in the sea for a lark
Till some mischievous pollocks
Devoured his bollocks
And his dick was consumed by a shark

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 12:48 PM

Here's one I wrote earlier :
       A young Belfast sailor named Sid,

       Tried to bugger himself with a fid :-

            He smeared it with lard,

      And sat down on it hard,

          But it split him in half ( so it did).

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: alanabit
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 01:25 PM

Young Hamlet thought uncle a traitor
For having it off with his mater
To revenge Dad or not
That's the gist of the plot
And he did - nine soliloquies later.

(Not one of my own, I regret. I can't recall the name of the author).

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: theleveller
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 03:22 AM

There was a young lady called Claire
Had incredibly dense pubic hair
Her boyfriend, called Jim,
Never did find her quim
And said it felt just like fucking a bear.


There once was a lady called Drever
Had a most incredible beaver
This remarkable twat
Had teeth like a rat,
Cut down trees and built dams on the reever


A striptease artist from Bude
Would dance with a snake in the nude
It would slip down her front
Put its head up her c**t
And she'd say,"Oooh, that really feels gude".

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: pavane
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:17 AM

TO:GUEST,an artist shafted by bulmer

Hi, there are several message threads here on the subject, to which I have made a very small contribution, suggestions only.

It is better to post to the thread where you found the relevant message.

But in reply, I don't think anyone has yet made any progress in either obtaining royalties or recovering the rights to their recordings. It seems that you will need very deep pockets if you want to take legal action, even though there MAY be a case. Sorry for the bad news.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: pavane
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:20 AM

TO:GUEST,an artist shafted by bulmer

If you wish to continue a discussion, perhaps you should consider becoming a member (it's free and confidential) and can then communicate by private message (PM) if necessary to the various members who are following this topic.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: pavane
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 04:24 AM

(One for the folks at Blackmore)

There was a young lady from Ongar
Who had it away with a conga
When asked how it felt
She said that it smelt
But was just like a man, only longa

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 11:33 AM

All I can say is :-

God's plan made a hopeful beginning
But man went and spoiled it by sinning
We trust that the story
Will end in God's Glory
But at present the other side's winning

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,A non
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 11:57 AM

There once was a young man from Brighton
Who said to his gal "You've a tight un"
She said " 'pon my soul
You've got the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right un"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 01:44 PM

There once was a man fron Dajeeling,
Who rode on the bus to Ealing,
A sign on the door
Said "Don't piss on the floor"
So he stood up and pissed on the Ceiling.

old one I fear.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 08:30 PM

Aliter:

There was once a young fellow of Brighton,
Who thought he'd at last found a tight one.
Said he, "Ah, my love,
It fits like a glove",
But she said, "You're not in the right one."

*

A lovely young lady of Chichester
Made even the saints in their niches stir,
And one morning at matins
Her breasts 'neath their satins
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 06:03 AM

My granny's favourite ;
   
   (sorry if it's on here already---I can't be arsed to check)

               There once was a woman called Hilda,
               Who went for a walk with a builder :
                She said that she would,
                And he could,and he should,
                So he did---and it bloody near killed her.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 10:00 PM

"For the tenth time, dear Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is 'snowy'".
You have wasted much verse on
Each part of my person.
Now do something. That's a good boy!"

(Said to be most women's favorite limerick)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Larry The 5th
Date: 14 May 09 - 07:33 PM

This one is an original. May be a new thread, too...

Said a horny young mechanic named Jack,
To a Customer making a living on her back,
"To get your transmission in gear,
I'll trade a head job, My Dear,
Or you wheels will never leave the rack !"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 May 09 - 09:28 PM

By chance, there was recently a limerick request on Live Journal, and I posted the following:

You can smoke a symbolic cigar,
You can ride in a long, sexy car,
    But a phallic church steeple,
    To sensible people,
Is stretching the thing rather far.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,FART00
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 01:45 AM

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED McGROOTER
WHO SPIED A YOUNG NUDE AND HE WOOED HER
THE NUDE THOUGHT IT CRUDE TO BE WOOED IN THE NUDE
BUT McGROOTER WAS SHREWDER AND SCREWED HER.

THERE WAS AND OLD MINER NAMED DAVE
WHO FOUND A DEAD WHORE IN A CAVE
SHE HAD ONE TIT
SHE SMELLED LIKE SHIT
BUT JUST THINK OF THE MONEY HE SAVED.

THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM WALES
WHO SUCKED THE SNOT FROM SNAILS
AND WHEN HE'D RUN OUT OF THESE
HE'D EAT THE CHEESE
HE DUG FROM HIS SHORTS WITH HIS NAILS.

THERE WAS A YOUND LADY FROM FRANCE
WHO TOOK A TRAIN BY CHANCE
THE ENGINEER FUCKED HER
AND SO'D THE CONDUCTOR
AND THE BRAKEE SHOT OFF IN HIS PANTS.

THERE WAS AN OLD WHORE FROM McPEET
WHO'S CUNT WAS STILL SUPRISINGLY SWEET
THE YOUNG MEN WOULD JACK OFF
AT THE SIGHT OF HER COIFFE
AND SHOOT LOADS OF CUM AT HER FEET.

RANDY WAS A SHORT LITTLE MIDGET
WHOSE DICK WAS AS SMALL AS HIS FIRST DIDGET
WHEN FACED WITH A LARGE CUNT
THIS INGENIOUS CUNNING YOUNG RUNT
WOULD STICK IN HIS HEAD AND START TO FIDGET.
THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO MY LITTLE FRIEND RANDY BRADFORD....TOM

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: eddie1
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 03:01 AM

There was a young couple from Aberystwyth
Who united the things that they kissed with
But when they got older, they also got bolder
And united the things that they pissed with.

A constable from Clapham Junction
Had a penis that just wouldn't function
For the rest of his life, he excited his wife
With dexterous use of his truncheon.


Eddie

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Hollowfox
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 05:47 PM

My father always said that there were three kinds of limericks:
1) The kind you can tell to ladies
2) The kind you can tell to clergy
3) Limericks

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 08:00 PM

There was once a young lady named Sue,
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw,
    But one leads to the other,
    And now she's a mother --
Let that be a lesson to you!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Smedley
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 09:51 AM

(Possibly here already, haven't read every last offering)


There was a young scholar at King's
Whose mind dwelled on heavenly things
His dearest desire
Was a boy in the choir
With an arse like a jelly on springs

[jelly as in jello, for our American readers]

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 10:27 AM

A certain actuary called Paul
- He had a mathematical ball.
The square root of its weight
Was his penis times eight
Plus one third of four fifths of fuck all.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 02:14 PM

Four from Norman Douglas, as quoted by Stephen Fry in The Ode Less Travelled:

There was an old fellow of Brest,
Who sucked off his wife with great zest,
Despite her great yowls,
He sucked out her bowels,
And spat them all over her chest.

There was a young man of Nantucket,
Whose prick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it.'

There was an old man or Corfu,
Who fed upon cunt juice and spew,
When he couldn't get this,
He fed upon piss,
And a bloody good substitute too!

There was an old man of Brienz,
The length of whose cock was immense,
With one swerve he could plug,
A boy's bottom Zug,
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Koblenz.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Songbob
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 03:13 PM

There once was a man name of Arden,
Who got a blow-job in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does that stuff go?"
And she said, [Gulp!] "Beg pardon?"

There once were two maidens from Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em:
They lifted the frock,
And sucked on the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.


If I can recall any more, I'll post 'em.

Bob

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 06:28 PM

Songbob: That last one continues:

Now, that bishop was nobody's fool.
He'd been to divinity school.
    So he hauled down his breeches
    And screwed those two witches
With his holy episcopal tool.

Now, one of those girls was named Sue,
And Sue said, when the Bishop got through,
    "The vicar was quicker
    And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Hollowfox
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 07:39 PM

Two from my father:

There was a young woman named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus
Contageous diseases
And the bother of having a child.

There was a young woman from Thrace
Whose corset was quite hard to lace
Her mother said, "Nelly
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face."

And one from the after-hours singaround at the 8th Step Coffeehouse, all those years ago:

There was a young fellow named Dice
Who remarked, They say bigamy's nice.
Even two is a bore -
I prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse it is spice."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Young Buchan
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 06:21 AM

There was a young man of Nepal
Who didn't like women at all
So he buggered a yak
An old man in a mac
And the nephew of General De Gaulle

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,shadow
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 08:29 PM

there once was a man from nantucket
who dreamt he was fucking a bucket
so he humped and he humped
then something went thump
he woke to find that he did suck it.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 04:20 PM

There once was a girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
    So she sat on the stairs
    And counted **** hairs --
Nine thousand, eight hundred, and two.

Subject: Perkins, a Lad
From: GUEST,Clare, guest
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 02:37 PM

Does anyone know the source of this one?

There was a young lad named Perkins
Addicted to jerkin his gherkin
His mother said Perkins
Quit jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkin's for firkin not jerkin

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 02:58 PM

Bawdy Limericks are surely not art
There is nothing to set them apart
You can't be a Bard
'Cause it ain't too damn hard
To rhyme tits, cocksucker, and fart.


Spaw

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 03:44 PM

Can I post a non-bawdy one, please, that happens to be my favourite limerick? It was composed by a very brilliant pupil I had who was founder/secretary of the school Astronomical Society for their magazine, which natch he also edited, in my long-ago [retired 25 yrs since] teaching days.

Apollo to Mission Control:
We are almost in reach of our goal —
But this reading of G
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 03 Jan 10 - 10:28 AM

Explorers out in Peru,
Sent home for two punts and a canoe,
The answer next day,
Said, girls on the way,
But what the hell's a PANOE ?

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Johnny B
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 08:38 AM

There is a young lady called Bex
A fine example of the opposite sex
She's tall slim and curvy
She makes men turn pervy
And wow what a great pair of pex!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 09:41 AM

Like "MtheGM ", I often find non-bawdy ones to be both clever and funny,viz;
       The Chief Stewardess of a Boeing,
       When asked "Which way are we going ?"
         Said "Our navigator
         is joining us later ;
         'til then,we have no way of knowing ".

But to return to the essence of the thread--

          A young Upper-yardman from Wales,
          was an expert at pissing in gales;
          he could piss in a jar,
            from the Topgallant spar,
          without even wetting the sails.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 10:59 AM

A certain young lady named Dodd
Thought that babies all came from God.

It wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie
But Roger the lodger - the sod !

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,ARCE
Date: 19 Jan 10 - 09:26 PM

There once was a hermit named Dave
who kept a dead whore in his cave.
Tho, gross, he admits
cause she smells just like shit.
But think of the money he'll save.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,ARCE
Date: 19 Jan 10 - 09:31 PM

The was a young man from Racine
who invented a jackoff machine.
On the 23rd stroke
the damn thing, it broke
and beat his poor rod to a creme.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Jan 10 - 12:46 AM

Oh well, I might as well join in...

On the breast of a harlot named Gail
Was tattooed the price of her tail.
And on her behind
For the use of the blind
Was the same information in Braille


There once was a harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda
And festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.


The once was a lass named Bathsheba
Who slept with a German amoeba
Who would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur, "Ich Liebe"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Perry H
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 04:00 PM

A horny New York girl named
Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallis,
They found her vagina in South Carolina,
And part of her hymen in Dallas.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 05:35 PM

My back aches, my penis is sore:
I really can't fuck any more.
I'm covered with sweat
And you haven't come yet
And my God, it's a quarter to four!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 05:52 PM

Said Einstein, "I have an equation
That some may think quite Rabelaisian:
    Let V be virginity,
    Approaching infinity,
And P be a constant persuasion.

"Let P over V be inverted.
Let P into V be inserted.
    It seems clear to me
    That the outcome will be
A relative," Einstein asserted.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Neil D
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 10:55 PM

Here's a few.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: dombonito
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 09:24 AM

There was a young harlot named Jenny,
Whose regular fee was a penny.
For half of that sum
You could fondle her bum,
a source of amusement for many.

There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who was very proficient on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Rendered him nutless
Now he's practically useless on dates.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 08:46 PM

I once had a handsome dalmatian,
A canine of high social station.
    He was found in a ditch
    With -- I won't say a *****,
But -- a person of no reputation.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Allen in Oz
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 01:54 AM

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his penis plus eight
Is his phone number...give him a call !


There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who danced with plenty of feeling
Not a sound could be heard
Not a voice , not a word
But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

AD

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 07:41 PM

There was once a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
    When comment arose
    On the state of her clothes,
She drawled "Where Ah itchez, Ah scratchez". -- Ogden Nash

To succeed in the brothels of Smyrna,
One must always begin as a learner.
    Indentured at six
    As a greaser of pricks,
One may rise to be fitter and turner.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 08:12 PM

There was a young man from Kilkankie
Who gathered his sperm in a hankie
Which he placed on a seat
Female organ to meet
He's now known as Spiritus Sankie

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 06:30 PM

There once was a monk in Siberia,
Whose morals were rather inferior.
    He did with a nun
    What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a mother -- superior.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 07:36 PM

I think that I have already posted this on another thread but my favourite is:

There was a young lady from Thrace
Who's corset grew too tight to lace
Says her mother to Nellie
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,angrycow
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 11:26 AM

there once was a man from madras
whose balls were made out of brass
in stormy weather
they clanged together
and sparks came out of his arse

~cheers

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Greg B
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 09:26 PM

There once was a girl from Darjeeling
Who pasted her tits to the ceiling
With a terrible sound
She crashed to the ground
But now I hear they are healing

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Greg B
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 09:27 PM

There once was a couple named Kelly
What were forced to lie belly to belly
Because in their haste
They got library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 01:51 AM

There was a young man called Jack Bosham,
Who took out his balls for to wash 'em,
His mother said Jack !
If you don't put 'em back,
I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 10:27 AM

A certain young lady called Alice
Used to think of her c*nt as a chalice.
One night, in the nude
She awoke, feeling lewd
And there in her chalice - a phallus.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 04:23 PM

There was once a young lady named Alice,
Who frightfully misused a chalice,
    But it is my belief
    It was done for relief,
And not from sectarian malice.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 08:19 PM

The young British mage, Harry Potter
Though brilliant, was sort of a rotter
And especially fond
Of using his wand
To impregnate some muggle's poor daughter.

Peter

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,GODFATHER
Date: 16 Apr 10 - 07:00 PM

A DAGO NAMED TONY BALDINI
WAS HUNG WITH THE TINIEST WEENIE
HIS DICK WAS SO SMALL
IT WAS SCARCE THERE AT ALL
BUT HIS 13 INCH TONGUE WAS A MEANIE

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 17 Apr 10 - 02:04 AM

A bobby from Nottingham Junction,
Whose organ had long ceased to function.
Decieved his good wife,
For the rest of her life,
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Apr 10 - 06:32 PM

To his girl said the sharp-eyed detective:
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
    Has your west tit the least bit
    The best of your east tit,
Or is it a fault of perspective?"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 18 Apr 10 - 04:47 AM

While Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model reclined on a ladder,
The position to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he jumped on the ladder and 'ad her.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Apr 10 - 09:03 PM

A young lady who lived in Connecticut
Once flagged down a train with her petticoat,
    Which her husband opined
    Showed presence of mind,
But deplorable absence of etiquette.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 19 Apr 10 - 03:24 AM

There was a young student called Johns,
Who wanted to bugger the swans,
But the loyal hall porter,
Said ' sir take my daughter '
The swans is reserved for the Dons.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Apr 10 - 08:15 PM

There once was a Bey of Algiers
Who said to his harem, "My dears,
    Though you may think it odd o' me,
    I'm giving up sodomy.
Tonight's for you ladies!" (_Loud cheers._)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 03:02 AM

There once was a young girl called Jeannie,
Whose dad was a terrible meanie,
He fashioned a latch,
And a hatch for her snatch,
She could only be had by Houdini.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Luke
Date: 20 May 10 - 01:34 PM

Twisted morals, who he?!
He's a model Christian, you see,
Sunday's for praying,
With a Whore He's never laying,
He just occasionally drinks his own wee.

Luke

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 06:09 PM

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept horse manure in a bucket
On the roof of his shed,
And when it fell on his head,
It is said he exclaimed "Oh dearie me!"

There was a young lad of Devizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes.
The ball that was small was of no use at all
But the big one won quite a few prizes.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Mike A
Date: 26 Jun 10 - 06:42 PM

There was a young lady of Ealing
Whose lover before her was kneeling.
She said "Dearest Jim, take your hand off my quim -
I much prefer fucking to feeling."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Anil Srivastava
Date: 05 Dec 10 - 12:26 PM

There was this sweet, innocent, young Croat,
God blessed her with a tight and juicy twat;
Which her boyfriend tried to enter,
But failed, though he bent her,
He now prefers diddling the cat.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: SRD
Date: 05 Dec 10 - 04:59 PM

Thanks to Blossom for:

There was a young man from Coombe-Martin,
Who had an immaculate partin',
He said that the knack,
Was to stand back to back,
With an elephant just as it's close enough to be effective but not too close for comfort ...

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 04:16 AM

There was a young student of Johns,
Who determined to bugger the swans,
But the loyal hall porter,
Said, Sir take my daughter,
The swans is reserved for the Dons.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 04:53 AM

Dave: Cambridge colleges, like [St] John's, have 'porters', who are based in the gate-lodge and regularly patrol the college grounds. They are not 'hall porters', who belong in hotels. That line would better read "Along came the porter", I think.

~M~

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 07:15 AM

It's straight from W S Baring-Gould's ' The Lure Of The Limerick ' so it's his fault.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 07:52 AM

Really, now, Dave? And Baring-Gould a Cambridge man at that! Well, well: just shows you can never trust anybody!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 05:13 PM

What's more, I visited St John's, as a tourist, ca. 1959, and saw no sign of any swans.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 Dec 10 - 05:36 PM

Well then, you were unlucky, Joe. It is a river college, and swans are frequent there beneath its two bridges. I still live near Cambridge and am frequently around there.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 03:08 AM

Maybe the Dons have buggered them all.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: kendall
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 07:52 AM

Ok, I've resisted long enough

A mathematician named Hall had a hexihydronical ball;
The cube of its weight, plus his pecker, times eight
Was four fifths of five eights of fuck all.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,dan the man
Date: 07 Dec 10 - 11:00 PM

There once was a lady from Starkey
She had an affair with a darky
The results of her sins where quadruplets
not twins
one light on dark and two kacky.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,EnkiduP
Date: 28 Jan 11 - 05:26 PM

There was a youn girl from St. Kitts,
Who told her boy friend "Don't tickle my tits,
You can tickle my crutch,
I like thate very much, but elsewhere just gives me the shits!"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Jan 11 - 08:33 PM

There was once a young fellow named Rand
Who sat seeing the sights in the sand.
    "My problem," said he,
    Is as hard as can be,
But I think I can take it in hand."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 02 May 11 - 05:10 PM

There once was a man named Muldoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon
when you'd least expect'em
they'd roll out his rectum
like a southeasterly typhoon.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: josepp
Date: 03 May 11 - 02:30 PM

Learned this one in nuclear power school:

There once was nukey named Slim
Who took his rod out for a shim
But his fluorescent sperm
Made ladies squirm
So no nooky for the nukey named Slim

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bentley
Date: 03 May 11 - 05:03 PM

Now that Osama is dead
Obama let it go his head
Whilst addressing the nation
He gave a quotation
But it was the menu he read.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,Thomas Xavier O'Toole
Date: 21 Aug 11 - 08:25 PM

A carpenter named Paddy Ridge
Buggered natives right under the bridge
They hollered "Oh Paddy,
For sure you're my Daddy!"
And later wound up in his fridge.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Aug 11 - 08:47 PM

A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tattooed on his belly.
By the time that a Brahmin
Got down to the "Amen,"
He'd blown both salvation and Kelly.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 21 Aug 11 - 10:03 PM

And one of the few non-bawdy (but good)ones

A vaporish lady from Harrison
Once pined for the love of a Saracen
But she had to confine her
Intent to a Shriner
Who suffered, I fear, by comparison

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 22 Aug 11 - 12:07 AM

On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the use of the blind
Was the same information in braille

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Aug 11 - 08:36 PM

Dick G.: The Harrison one is by Ogden Nash. He also wrote

There once was a belle of old Natchez,
Whose garments were always in patches.
    When comment arose
    On the state of her clothes,
She drawled, "Where Ah itches, Ah scratches."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: BanjoRay
Date: 23 Aug 11 - 09:22 AM

There was a young lady called Alice
Who shat in the Vatican palace
It wasn't the need
That promped the deed
But sheer bloody Protestant malice

and by a friend of mine:

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in her ear
And said you can't swim here it's private

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,Chris
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 08:47 AM

The wife of a sprinter named Rinde
suggested an act much maligned:
I'll back up to your dong
and you'll see before long
that you've managed to come from behind!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,Leonard
Date: 23 Oct 12 - 07:17 AM

A horny old trout, name of Blue,
Went to his girl friend to woo . . .
She egged in the silt,
He squirted his milt,
Then asked, was it good for you, too ? ?

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,Leonard
Date: 23 Oct 12 - 07:21 AM

At the Tabard, said Harry, one day,
In a friendly and jocular way,
We're in no hurry to reach Canterbury,
So let's have some tales on the way . . .

The halls of your balls
Have some very strange walls,
As Sertoli found out,
None too soon,
So if one should ask,
The distance is vas,
When you go from 'tocyte
To 'tozoon . . .

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Oct 12 - 03:59 PM

A young lady who lived near the Bosporus
Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinoceros.
    Said she, with a shriek,
    "His horn is unique
And leaves mere men merely preposterous."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Jan 13 - 09:04 AM

There was an old poet from Crewe
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

(and that's all folks...
Chrs Muriel)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Allen in Oz
Date: 05 Jan 13 - 04:25 PM

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his penis plus eight
Is his phone number..give him a call !


There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who danced with plenty of feeling
Not a voice, not a word
Not a sound could be heard
But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling

A Pansy who lived in Khartoum took a Lesbian up to his room
And they argued a lot
About who would do what
And just with what , and to whom


AD

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Gda Music
Date: 05 Jan 13 - 06:11 PM

There was a young man from The Clyde
Who fell down a toilet and died
And he had a brother who fell down an other
And now they`re interered side by side

GJ

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,Jebas
Date: 09 May 13 - 04:10 PM

There was once a man named Dave
That kept a dead whore in a cave
She lasted a week
Then she started to reek
But look at the money he saved

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 May 13 - 10:25 PM

There was once a young lady of Harrison,
Who longed for the love of a Saracen,
    But she had to confine her
    Intent to a Shriner,
Who suffers, I fear, by comparison.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,Limerick Laureat
Date: 10 May 23 - 10:21 AM

The dirty old bishop of Birmingham
Used to bugger young boys while confirming 'em.
As they knelt at the rail
He'd out with his flail
And pump his episcopal sperm in'em.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 May 23 - 01:11 PM

There was a young man from Hunts,
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham.
Watching the stunts,
of the c.... in the punts
and the tricks of the p..... that were f...ing'em.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 May 23 - 06:06 PM

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny,
    But between butch and bitch
    Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 May 23 - 07:49 PM

There was a young lady from Exeter
So fit that the boys craned their necks at 'er
And one was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 May 23 - 07:54 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and fugue in D minor

A lovely young girl in Australia
Painted her arse with a dahlia
The colours were fine
As was the design
The aroma, alas, was a failure

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,Jon Bartlett
Date: 12 May 23 - 01:27 AM

My three favourites:

I sat next to the Duchess at tea
And she said, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied, with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And thought it was one up to me.

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who had a small organ of sex.
When arraigned for exposure,
He said, with composure,
"De minimus non curat lex."

(The law does not concern itself with small things)

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born
And he wouldn't have been,
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,RJM
Date: 12 May 23 - 03:13 AM

very good, Jon

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: Bill D
Date: 12 May 23 - 12:02 PM

Refer to part 2 for my unbiased.. totally biased opinions.

I admit to being a genuine "purist snob" about limericks, which means being appalled by poorly remembered classics and bad meter in many others..not that my narrow views will make any difference.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1]
From: GUEST,Dave Hanson
Date: 13 May 23 - 02:57 AM

There was a young goucho called Bruno,
Who said shagging is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
A sheep is devine,
But a Llama is numero uno.

Dave H