BS: Breaking Up is Hard to Do_Redux

Subject: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,anon
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 12:57 PM

Ok I'm in the middle of one and its awful, painful stuff. Just looking for reasurrance from fellow catters that it gets better eventually

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Gern
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:04 PM

"The sun also rises..." All truisms become cliches because they're universally true, such as "time heals all wounds." It's also true that knowing this doesn't stop the bleeding. A 40-ouncer and some rough-edged, hurtin' blues might just help you out some.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Bernard
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:11 PM

The pain never stops, it only becomes numbed over time. If you're lucky enough to find someone else (in 20 years I haven't), maybe it numbs more quickly...

There's always some 'helpful' soul out there with platitudes... 'plenty more fish in the sea' (fish?!), 'love comes when you least expect it' (like finding something in the last place you look!!) and all that stuff. It makes them feel better because they think they're helping, but often it makes you feel worse, inadequate, etc.

Cynical? Moi?!!!

Chocolate...!

;o)

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,Anon
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:16 PM

Its not the first one but its my first as a grown up, so to speak. I think thats why its so painful but.......I'm not the first and won't be the last, I know. Sorry folks this should be non music, bear with me, not thinking too straight at the moment

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:21 PM

Hang in, it does get better as time passes. The inirial shock is hell, as you know, but you will be ok, if not better for it...eventually. My heart goes out to you.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:26 PM

Anon: I'm really sorry to hear of your pain but it WILL get better. Believe it or not, the worst is over, now that the breakup has happened it will gradually, and I mean GRADUALLY, get better.

The catters will support you.

Good luck

Rhiannon

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,anon
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:27 PM

yep shock, hurt, bitterness, betrayal of trust.....

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: jeffp
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:29 PM

Keep reminding yourself that you are constantly moving AWAY from the source of your pain. It will ease with time.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Maryrrf
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:29 PM

Consider this - even if you are alone at the moment, better to be alone and independent than to be with the wrong person, especially if, as you say, this person betrayed your trust. I'm sure most of us have been where you are, and it's not a pleasant place. But yes, it does get better with time!

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 01:57 PM

Find your way back into life; it actually does heal, usually. Until then, keep breathing deep breaths. You will be okay.

A

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Bernard
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 02:27 PM

The naggings doubts, blaming yourself, etc... try to focus on the positive. As Maryrrf said, you're better off on your own than with the wrong person.

Often we do things out of habit...

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Scoville
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 02:40 PM

Love, Honor, & Dismay.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 03:08 PM

Some time back I came upon this thought: We never get over the BIG losses, they will always hurt, (as evidenced by brain electrodes) but once we internalize the event we can go on, stronger, more compassionate and more, not less, secure.

That's not necessarily a good thought - who wants to have a faithless person be part of oneself? - but it is essential and in fact, inevitable for most people. The people who do NOT accept the experience and grow bigger because of it are the ones, in my opinion, who become the bitter, cynical people no one wants in their lives.

So, I would say, let yourself feel the pain.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: jacqui.c
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 03:10 PM

It is difficult to believe, but it does get easier with time and, for most people, a broken relationship can be looked back on, given time, with equanimity or even "Why the hell did I get involved there?"

There are various stages of grieving to go through, as with any type of loss, but reason generally wins out in the end and it is possible to look back and see that that particular set up just wouldn't have survived the long run.

As Amos says, keep breathing deep breaths. Talk to whoever will listen, start looking at yourself in a positive manner. Try to avoid starting a new relationship too soon, learn to like yourself before getting involved with anyone else.

All the best to you - I think the majority of us have been there and can remember just what it was like. Most of us will listen if you need to 'talk'.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 03:14 PM

Learn, understand and grow.

Try and concentrate on what's important to you (what was important before you met) and build on that, and if you've forgotten what those things are, then

a) get back in touch with them; your friends, hopes, activities, aspirations passions etc and

b) never let those things be marginalised again. Someone who cares about you will want to recognize the importance of things that are important to you.

The hard part for me is dealing with, on the one hand, caring deeply for someone, whilst at the same time being angry with them for their total lack of self respect let alone any kind of respect, understanding or empathy for me.

But just to make it more complicated still, in my case I have to come to terms with the fact that my ex was so badly damaged in her chiildhood that she really has no idea at all what any of the terms I have used really mean, so on the one hand I am wasting time caring, and on the other, I am wasting emotion being angry.

He/she who ignores their history is condemned to repeat it. I need to understand why I would allow myself to get so deeply embroiled in such an emotionally unfulfilling and damaging entanglement.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: fat B****rd
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 03:15 PM

Most of the above. I found I had to grit my teeth and get on with stuff. Makes me count my blessings now that I'm relatively happily married again. Best regards from Charlie.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 04:14 PM

When, after thirteen years of marriage, my first wife announced her desire for a divorce I was devastated... for approximately five minutes... until I realized that while it wasn't what I wanted, it was exactly what I needed.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: SINSULL
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 04:29 PM

This is the same as losing a loved one to death. Give yourself time and permission to feel the disbelief, sorrow, anger, and whatever else comes out. Be careful who you share your emotions with. A true friend will listen but not take sides. You need a sounding board not advice. One day at a time.
S

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 20 Nov 06 - 05:15 PM

Yup, when you're young you can pick yourself up, dust yourself down and it gets better.

When you're older and let down by a longstanding partner, it can be harder, and take longer to get over, as Sinsull says, like a bereavement.

And remember, there's a difference between feeling sad and angry (which are justifiable emotions if it just hasn't worked, or someone has let you down) and feeling that it's your fault, which leads to low esteem and depression - not necessarily justified, and generally destructive!

Best of luck.

Kitty

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Barry Finn
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 01:44 AM

Can't believe I'm saying this BUT the first guy that breaks my daughter's heart, I'm gonna break his jaw. The second guy I may just blacken his eye.

Try that Anon, it might not help the pain but I'll bet you won't feel as bad. You may even get a laugh out of it,,, after a while.






Don't follow any of my advice.

Barry

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 02:52 AM

If you look upon this life as something we have all been thrown into and are all trying to make our way through with as little hassle as possible.....I guess we all have to suffer loss and some of of get plenty of practice at it.... The only thing we can do, no matter how painful is move on,,,and try to bear as little animosity as possible for people who let you down, as they are sort of in the same boat as you really...just trying to make their way.
Any emotional pain slowly fades and can be 'got over' if not forgotten.
Hang in there friend and look at what the future holds for you..look at your own aims and ambitions and most of all the new opportunities this might have opened up for you.
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Bernard
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 04:13 AM

I'm sorry, but I don't agree that it's 'the same as losing a loved one to death'....

The big difference is the feeling of rejection.

I'm not saying the hurt is any less... just different.

In one way, the rejection can be a lot easier to get over if someone else walks into your life, but do take care that it isn't 'on the rebound' - that isn't fair on the other person.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,Confidentially Anonymous Guy
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 10:28 AM

Anon.

Joe Namath was on 60 Minutes last Sunday. Here was a guy that could have had any woman he wanted and was a player all his life. He married and had children, 2 girls. He, of all men, was content playing the role as Mr. Mom. Unbelievably, his wife dumped him for a plastic surgeon. Joe did not see it coming. You could hear the extreme pain in his voice and see it in the lines of his face when he said,

"Boy, life hurts a lot of times. Life hurts a lot of times," Namath says. "Whether you lose a puppy when you're 8 years old, a girlfriend when you're 15, go through a divorce with the family. You know, life hurts a lot of times."

Joe found himself alone like he never had been. He couldn't sleep, he told Simon. He had chest pains, trouble breathing. He was falling apart and he went back to his old comforter, the bottle.

"And do you think you were dealing with depression at the same time?" Simon asks.

"Absolutely. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Without recognizing it, without admitting to it, you know? It hits ya. And you keep it inside. It's consuming from the moment you lie down at night to the next day," Namath says.

Therefore, it can and does happen to anyone regardless of stature. Look at the ugly mess the McCartney's are going through.

The problem is you might have that person on your mind day and night, often every minute of the day to begin with. It can be tough at first, especially on waking each morning.

Here is what I suggest and some of the things are humorous but it works: Think of all the negative things about your ex lover then magnify those traits and annoying mannerisms. Also, picture would that person look like naked in 20 years with all the sagging, wrinkled body parts, etc. Did you really love that person well enough to change his Depends/diapers as you grew older together? The list goes on and on and on.

You are the only one that can keep yourself miserable in this case. You will probably never completely get over it but you will happily survive if you want to. Billions of humans have gone through this in life and many more will follow.

For any mild depression, you might consider taking 3 St. John's Wort supplements during the day (one tablet Am, 2 before bed because it can make you sleepy). It usually takes a week or so to start helping. Your own mind and a little help from your friends will eventually help you bear what has happened. Do Not rely on the "comforts" of alcohol!!

This is a beautiful wonderful life. Do not waste it on something that happened yesterday. Yesterday is dead and gone. Learn from it but do not linger on past hurt. You are alive and have many good life experiences to look forward to.

Music connection:

Make every day a Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Day

My, Oh My, what a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine headin' my way…

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: rock chick
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 01:27 PM

GUEST,Confidentially Anonymous Guy - Great advise, print of the suggestions and read it when you are feeling real low guest anon, it may even make you smile. good luck.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 01:53 PM

You're right, Bernard. The rejection and damage to your ego is an added pain.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 03:46 PM

If it helps you get throught the day remember that

Time wounds heels.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 03:56 PM

I hope so

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Amergin
Date: 21 Nov 06 - 03:57 PM

Get really drunk it always helps.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,anon
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 04:44 AM

thanks..your advice is helpful and welcome s I knew it would be from you guys. As for talking to people in real time assomeone suggested I would but its easier to do it this way

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,anon
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 05:42 AM

yep the hurt and rejection is a huge shock too.....but I am trying to be busy and look after myself too. I think at first you think you are the only one this has ever happened to, even though you know thats not true it feels like it....but your wise words are a great help

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 06:07 AM

Sadly there are no quick fixes to this situation. If you can beat the feelings of reflection by putting the person out of your mind every time they visit your head and tell yourself why they are no longer part of your life it will be a start.

Self worth is very important, total up your good points daily and build on them. Get yourself busy, walk, shop, clean or get at those small jobs you have been putting off.

Now for the cruel bit,

Ask yourself why you sit in thought of someone who threw back into your face everything you gave them.

Are they sitting in a chair right now feeling like shit, or are they getting on with their life ?

You will suffer three emotions, shock, hurt and anger.

Watch the anger, it will feed on you like cancer.

You will wake up some morning and discover you are over it, yes that old word "time" is the only cure on the table right now.

pm me if you need me.

Divis.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 08:00 AM

Valerian can help you sleep - but DO NOT mix with booze - it makes me go down like a poleaxed hobbit.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Charley Noble
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 08:44 AM

There really isn't any way to speed up the process of grieving, nor do you ever get "satisfactory" answers. Your other friends, however, can be a welcome distraction, keep you busy, and at times amused, in between depression. It just takes a lot of time, and generally there is no way to "turn back the clock" and make it all better. Hopefully you'll be able to work something better out in the future.

And I wouldn't want to be the callous young man who breaks Barry's daughter's heart. No way!

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Scoville
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 10:21 AM

I resorted to chocolate milk and the Cowboy Junkies when I was in college (at least until the bitch in the room next to me complained that the bass was rattling her shot glasses).

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Schantieman
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 12:41 PM

Cry. Shout. Be angry.   Break things (old crockery or flowerpots are very satisfying and cheap). Have a drink or three if you like. Talk to your real friends. Get on with other things you really enjoy with people you really like. Sing, even if, no, especially if you don't feel like it - I'm convinced it helps.   Keep doing this until you start to feel better.

It takes time: After six years I'm on reasonably good terms with my ex, but reading this thread and writing this has brought back some of the emotions I felt when it happened.

Steve

Oh - and DON'T, whatever you do, read Jude the Obscure. It set me back six months - and I gave up halfway through!

PM if you like

S

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: kendall
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 02:19 PM

Nothing we say here will do a damn bit of good.
Only time can heal the pain. Give it time.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 02:27 PM

Go out and start a new life, your real friends will folow you, and your false friends will be left far behind.
Giok

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,Confidentially Anonymous Guy
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 02:34 PM

I strongly disagree kendall. Virtual "friends" with boundless world experiences with break-up grief can offer frank, nonjudgmental suggestions a close group of real friends could not.

I would liken it to reading a book on the subject. Anon can decide what is worthwhile or not but needs the knowledge that break-ups are a very common occurrence in life's peaks and valleys that almost all of us have gone through and survived to enjoy life.

Subject: Lyr Add: BEFORE HE CHEATS (Carrie Underwood)
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 02:43 PM

The following tacky song lyric is NOT to be taken as advice:

Before He Cheats - by Carrie Underwood

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp,
and she's probably getting frisky...
right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...
And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Right now, she's probably up singing some
white-trash version of Shania karoke..
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"
and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom cologne...
And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat,
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
I might saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!
Ohh... not on me...
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Ohh.. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...
Ohh... before he cheats...

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 05:48 PM

GUEST,Still living (just). Reading this correctly I hope, do you still have your partner in your life ?

You threw in a few negatives about yourself that I would prefer you didn't.

First, you are never too old or set in your ways to inject new life into any relationship.

Secondly this person was your whole reason for existance, that means you still love them and you can do something about it, hard as it may seem, but tell them and express yourself to them.

Thirdly, pills and drink only dull pain for a few hours, and are not the answer.

We are all here for you, remember that.

Divis.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 05:51 PM

DON'T DRINK!!!! Drink is a depressive and will NOT help.

Hope things start to get better very soon. It will, I know.

Rhiannon

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 06:08 PM

Well, Guest and Rhiannon, I guess it partly depends whether you're looking at it from the point of view of the person who initiated the breakup or the person who was on the receiving end, and whether the breakup was by mutual agreement or not. I recognise what LilyFestre / Michelle was saying.

Kitty

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: open mike
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 06:26 PM

well, if you can stand another platitude
(or platypus...)

someone once said this to me and it has
come in handy several times:

"Just remember that even if it is cloudy,
the sun is still shining , you just can't
see it now from where you are."

or something to that effect..

any way I hope you find a way to
keep putting one foot infront of the
other leading in a new direction..

hang in there.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Alice
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 07:01 PM

"Life is long..."
Paul McCartney

I was just talking with a friend last night about how long life is when you are looking back from 50 something. She and I both had to laugh at who we were when we were young, how brokenhearted, and how different we are now. It DOES get better. Just hang in there and wait long enough and you will be OK.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Lox
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 07:06 PM

Life is long but

It passes so quickly

That you would do well to get over it sooner rather than later.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Lox
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 07:07 PM

make sure you have the volume up for that last link

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: GUEST,Confidentially Anonymous Guy
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 07:07 PM

Still living (just),

Do not ever think you must completely get out of the game if that is what you want. It would not do to mention names but I know this guy who admires women to the point he has and is willing to have relationships with a lady up to 30 years younger or older than he. There are many people looking for good relationships and age should not matter as long as they are above the age of consent.   

Accentuate your strong assets whatever those may be. Good looks, intelligence, curves, smarts, humor, whatever. You would be surprised at the possibilities.

You simply must get out of that depression even if it means seeing a professional. I had been the "victor" in all my previous break ups and thought I was invincible, but boy did I get what was coming to me, a through comeuppance! It is not anything I would want anyone else to experience.

Blame yourself if that was true, it was in my case, but no relationship is one-sided, as we all know.

IT will be tough but you will make it if you want to. What are the alternatives? Certainly much worse than attempts at self-help or professional assistance and finally losing that tunnel you speak of.

Subject: RE: Breaking up is hard to do
From: Kaleea
Date: 22 Nov 06 - 08:04 PM

Yes, it really will get better. It's a little less worse each day. Meanwhile, try to get with friends, go to the jams, have some fun! Don't forget your sense of humor.

About a million years back, I said "I do" and I did. He said "I do" but he didn't. I know that breaking up is lousy. I recall the stinging pain of finding out that my husband no longer wanted to be married. Yep, he "dun stomped on m' heart, & he mashed that sucker flat . . . he jist sorta stomped on mah aorta . . ."
That was a while back--the year John Lennon was shot. And what of my broken heart? Well, my heart recovered. But I'm still single, though. I guess I just never met the right feller.
But if'n any of you know his number . . .
His number is probably gonna be up by the time I find him, huh?



If all else fails, try this prayer:

God bless that schmuck
and keep that schmuck
Far away from me!

Subject: BS: Breaking Up is Hard to Do_Redux
From: GUEST,Confidentially Anonymous Guy
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 09:58 AM

The first thread was deleted probably because another GUEST (durn GUESTS!) posted two very unfair salacious remarks about a member.

"Anon." (who started the thread) and "Still living (just)" wanted advice, however worthwhile or not (their decision), were receiving advice and it seemed to be helping other people as well.

If those two or others are still seeking advice, I guess you can post to this thread or start another.

Good luck and just remember, billions of humans have recovered from terrible break ups at least since humans became bipeds and the species has survived to be responsible for your current break up!

There is still a beautiful, fulfilling, worthwhile life following any break up even though that might seem impossible for you now.

---

Threads combined. Messages above are from the previous thread. It will take me some time to review and move the ones that can be moved, especially since I'm entertaining out-of-town guests.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: BS: Breaking Up is Hard to Do_Redux
From: GUEST,lox
Date: 23 Nov 06 - 06:00 PM

It's a pity, I thought there was much wisdom in that thread and I read with anticipation wht others had to say on the subject.