BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 06:55 PM

As Terrence Barnett states in his To Get to the Other Side: A History of the Joke, nothing was really very funny until about 750 BCE. He sites as examples the Old Testament and Homer's Illiad and Odyssey. "Generally, "says Barnett, "any work of this sort of length will contain a belly laugh, a chortle, or a guffaw. But having carefully read both of these works in their original languages, I have yet to find even a snicker in them." According to Barnett, there was never a drier mound of stultifyingly morose and boring prose than The Egyptian Book of the Dead, unless it was The Tibetan Book of the Dead, with the sole exception of the part where Vishnu pushes Shiva over a crouching elephant.
Humor was apparently unknown to the Egyptians until they enslaved the Jews and began the Captivity. The first few jokes that Jews made, while sending the other Jews into hysterics, went right over the Egyptians' heads, and it took nearly 100 years of explaining the punch lines until some of the Egyptians actually started to "get" the jokes. But soon the Egyptians refused to take anything the Jews said seriously, which served them badly when Moses threatened the Seven Plagues.
After their release from captivity, many Jews returned to their native land, while others spread throughout Europe, Asia, and Africa, taking this method of story-telling with them...the jochem, or joke. Their repertoire was quite limited in that era though. The Pirate joke gave birth to a school of jokes which featured people of various nationalities jumping out of various conveyances. There were the "Man goes into a Bar" genre, also, which spawned the "Man goes into a Doctor's office" genre. The Jews were also responsible for a very early version of the "Salesman-Farmer-Daughter" joke, which was known as "Let Me Sleep in your Tent and I Promise not to Schtup Jallilah".

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Skivee
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 05:35 PM

Funny, The same joke is in my Bennett Cerf book: "Funny Stories From Unfunny Times."
He give the end as:
The Jew stood and shouted,"Yahwah, we,ve been hearing that since Ramses II! Don't you Goyum ever come up with new punchlines?"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 04:37 PM

That was all of the text the manuscript contained, Amos. A fire in the Humor Section of the Great Library of Alexandria in 128 BCE damaged the scroll.
But there has been much conjecture through the ages. Gregory of Antioch said the correct punchline was vat kind of Club Med is dis dat I should go schvimming from a boat? but Plinius the Younger claimed that punchline was from an earlier and even worse Egyptian joke about a Sumerian, a Byzantine, and a Jew.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Amos
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 04:03 PM

Shouted what?


A

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 02:48 PM

A Greek, a Trojan, and an Jew were captured by pirates. A sudden storm came up and the pirate ship began to founder. Drawing his sword, the pirate captain announced "we are too heavy, and are likely to sink! One of you must throw himself overboard!" With this, the Greek shouted "Long live Apollo!" and hurled himself in. But it was to no avail. The ship was in trouble. "Another must go!" shouted the pirate, and the Trojan stood up on the gunwail and, hollering "Long live Hector!", plunged in. The storm grew in its fury, and again the pirate called "we are still in trouble! You also must go!"
at which point the Jew stood up and shouted "

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: topical tom
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 02:22 PM

Veni, vidi, vici

   It's getting smaller and smaller

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 12:25 PM

It should probably be LXIX (69) instead of LIX (59)
And "cause" probably should be "reason".

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: autolycus
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 11:14 AM

Nor do i.

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 09:40 AM

And ther is a certain cause why a Roman never will understand a joke about positio LIX ...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: autolycus
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 06:03 AM

Mrs. Noah to Mr. Noah,"Bring in the washing dear, I think it's going to rain."


Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: The Walrus
Date: 13 Jan 08 - 04:10 AM

So this Trojan walks into a bar...
What?...
Yes I know the Trojan War was a long time before 500 BC ... They had old jokes then too, didn't they? ...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 08:06 PM

Illegitimes non carborundum

Now come on, somebody had to do it...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: HuwG
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 07:47 PM

Quamodo advenitis ad Romam ? Quippe, tua sim, nec abeim ab hinc.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: The Walrus
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 06:43 PM

500 BC - Shouldn't those Latin gags be in Etruscan?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 02:53 PM

Here's one from 500,000 BCE:

"Who was that female I saw you with last night?"
"That was no female. That was my mate."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 12:20 PM

I was at a Roman orgy last night. Gaius was chasing a pretty serving slave. We all cheered him on, yelling, 'Julius, seize her!'
Caesar, get it? Pretty heady stuff during the 1st century BCE.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Jan 08 - 05:18 AM

"I say, I say, I say. Why does Pharaoh wear brown, gold and brown braces?"

"I don't know. Why does Pharaoh wear brown, gold and brown braces?"




"To keep his trousers up! I thang yow."


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: GUEST,The Ancient Comedian
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 05:28 PM

I just did a week end gig at Rhodes after roaming the hinterlands of Judea, but then I suppose all roams lead to Rhodes!
Anyway, I did my act and they gave me the boot...the right boot of the Colossus! Who knew they had room in it? Not fancy, but lots of sole!
Anyway, I had a girl beating on my hotel room door all night. I finally had to let her out!
Come on you guys, these are the jokes! The Dionysian Tragedies are down the street!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 05:20 PM

Rident stolidi verba Latina.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 04:36 PM

Pharoh's dog has no nose
How does it smell
Terrible

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 02:11 PM

RE: BC > BCE (and AD > CE)

BCE = Before the Common Era
CE = Common Era

I don't know that Jewish folk instigated the use of those abbreviations.
I do know they were already in use in scholarly circles when I majored in Ancient Near Eastern History well over forty years ago. The rationale was to take the religious aspect out of the discipline, and separate it from the umbrella of Biblical history/archaeology.

I still subscribe to Biblical Archaeology Reader which instituted that notation several years ago. Many Christians wrote letters protesting the change, and some even canceled their subscriptions over it.

I tell Christians who prefer BC and AD to think in terms of Before the Christian Era, Christian Era. That way, anyone can use the abbreviations, and nobdy needs take offence. (Well, some people take offence at anything ;)).

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Bert
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 01:34 PM

Frankie Howerd did a few Roman jokes on Up Pompei!

One time his master was off to the 'Ludi Puerorum' club.

Another time he was a soldier marching along - Sinister, Dexter, Sinister, Dexter!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 07:37 AM

Martinus Joke.

Well I never realised that the man who I first heard tell it - Tom Boulding of Fagan's, a great session pub Broad Lane Sheffield - Had stolen it.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 04:39 AM

BCE = Before the Common Era, initially used in Judaism, now seemingly becoming more - er - common.

For youngsters, a standard opening line to a comedian's act was,"As I was on my way to the theatre tonight........."

I saw a cartoon many years ago (early 60s, UK), with a comedian in a toga saying,

"As I was on my way to the amphitheatre tonight........"



   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 04:30 AM

Tribus centuriones Alemanni traversant Rhenum (tris)

Tabboo ! Tabboo !

Mulieres conectant et vinam bibere

Tabbee tab-eye ta-ballocky-eye, ta-ballocky-eye tabboo.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: GUEST,PMB
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 03:49 AM

Dicat alatrix deformis: Ille homo habet Lindum in pene inscriptum.
Et respondat alatrix pulchra: Non est Lindum, sed Londinium.

No earlier than 48CE though.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 03:15 AM

Cicero tam dicax erat et facetus ut ab inimicis scurra consularis appellaretur. cum vidisset Lentulum generum suum hominem parvae staturae longo gladio accinctum "Quis" inquit "adligavit generum meum ad gladium?"

An original Latin joke not older than 63 BC (when C. elected was consul).

This is to give you a feeling of the proper lingo, quia complures hic scribentes linguae Latinae non satis periti esse videntur.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 02:55 AM

Dave Polshaw....love your 'latin' humour

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Jan 08 - 02:15 AM

"Roman Soldier: Give us a Martinus"
Barman: "You mean a Martini"
Roman Soldier: "If I want a double I'll tell you"."

This is actually from "Rinse the Blood off my Toga", and it is not a Roman Soldier, but (Lucius Maximus?), the Roman Private Eye - by Wayne & Schuster, available on CD - web references abound.

Another classic from the same source - but it's a visual joke - use your fingers to count -

"I put 2(II) & 2(II) together, and it came out IV"...

:-0

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: GUEST,The Ancient Comedian
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 10:46 PM

Sorry I'm late, but I just flew in from Crete, got a little high on the flight, and my meshuggenah wings melted!
But Women...who can understand 'em? If you need a sacrificial maiden, take my wife...Please! She has undergone all the the accepted purification rituals! In fact,by Persephone and the Seven Seeds, she's nearly a reborn virgin!
I left her at the Temple of Artemis...Zeus knows, they got some tough gals there...an hour later she had the decorator in, reupholstering the Throne of Diana! I won't say she's got lousy taste, but Pluto kicked her out of Hades for putting a little pink sweater on Cerberus!
Hey that Hercules is something, ain't he? Cleaned out those Augean Stables and didn't even break a sweat! By the Two-headed Infant of Thebes, I'm thinking of hiring him to straighten out my garage! He's a tough guy...I'm not about to mess with a guy that slew the Lernaen Hydra...but that lion skin jump suit, baby! That thing needs to be dropped off at the drycleaners, if you get my drift. I'm not saying he smells a little ripe or anything, but I saw him knock three crows off a dung wagon in the Forum yesterday.
Ouch, you're a tough crowd! Getting a laugh out of you is like trying to get lucky in Lesbos. Even the Trojans horse around more than this!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Uncle Phil
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 10:14 PM

Dico, dico, dico, Canis meum nasem non habet. Quod? Nasem non habet? In quod mondo scentium? Horribilum!
- Phil

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 09:30 PM

Cur gallina per viam transire maluit?
Ut in altera parte viae ambularet!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Ferrara
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 08:41 PM

Here are translations of two Roman satirical poems about women's hair styles that I learned in high school. Don't know the date (probably later than 500 BCE tho). They rhymed in the original too. (Of course the words "aspersion" and "immersion" haven't changed much....)

The golden hair that Gulla wears
Is hers -- who would have thought it?
She swears 'tis hers, and true she swears,
For I know where she bought it.

Mycilla dies her locks, tis said,
But 'tis a foul aspersion!
She buys them black -- they therefore need
No subsequent immersion.

Rita F

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 07:21 PM

I certainly wish Raptor had added a couple more zeroes to that date. They didn't have Latin in 50,000 BC, just grunts and howls. Grunts and howls I can understand. Latin I can't.

By the way, what does "BCE" stand for? What if I refuse to use "BCE" and continue using "BC"? Will someone come and arrest me?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Skivee
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 07:02 PM

Operor vos utor plures obedienter aequoreus? Etiam , etiam VIII

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Skivee
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 06:55 PM

Vos auditus iocus super Cleopatra? Is no an erroris per Caeser quod nisus acerbus in viperum!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Folkiedave
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 06:05 PM

Roman Soldier: Give us a Martinus"
Barman: "You mean a Martini"
Roman Soldier: "If I want a double I'll tell you".

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 05:45 PM

Gloria sic in transit

My girlfriend has just thrown up in the back of the van...

:D

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 04:52 PM

It's all Greek to me...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 04:11 PM

Το τεράστιο πετρελαιοφόρο διασχίζει τον ωκεανό. Το ταξίδι είναι
πολυήμερο και στο τυπικά ανδρικό πλήρωμα υπάρχει αυτή τη φορά και μια γυναίκα. Η παρουσία της δεσποινίδας ασυνήθιστη καθώς είναι, έχει δημιουργήσει περίεργες καταστάσεις... Τις πρώτες μέρες όλα κυλάνε ήρεμα, ο αντρικός πληθυσμός ήρεμος κι ευγενικός. Τις επόμενες μέρες κάποιοι μικρό εκνευρισμοί. Έχει μπει η τρίτη εβδομάδα και τα πρώτα ξεσπάσματα προμηνύουν θύελλα... Την κατάσταση προσπαθεί να προλάβει ο πλοίαρχος. Μαζεύει τα αρσενικά μέλη του πληρώματος και τους λέει:
- "Κύριοι, μετά από τόσες μέρες η κυρία αισθάνεται ανία και για να σας φύγει ο πειρασμός που είναι μόνη της αποφάσισα να τη φλερτάρω εγώ σαν πλοίαρχος."
- "Τι είπες;", πετάγεται ο θερμόαιμος Ιταλός, "υπάρχει Ιταλός επάνω στο πλοίο και θα δοκιμάσει άλλος να φλερτάρει; Δεν θα είστε καλά!"
- "Κύριοι, σας παρακαλώ", πετάγεται ο Γάλλος, "το φλερτ, ως γνωστόν, είναι ειδικότητα των Γάλλων."
Ο καβγάς δεν αργεί να ανάψει. Κάθε ένας, για τους δικούς του λόγους υποστηρίζει ότι το φλερτάρισμα είναι προσωπική του υπόθεση. Σ` όλο αυτό το διάστημα ο Έλληνας, αδιάφορος, μασουλάει πασατέμπο και αγναντεύει το πέλαγος. Εκνευρισμένος ο πλοίαρχος του φωνάζει:
- "Εσύ δεν ενδιαφέρεσαι να φλερτάρεις την κυρία;"
- "Τι να σας πω κύριε πλοίαρχε, τρεις εβδομάδες τώρα την πηδ... Αν θέλετε όμως τη φλερτάρω κιόλας."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: ClaireBear
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 04:01 PM

"Iste ursus in tavernam ambulavit" was my father's Latin translation of "So this bear walks into a bar..." I commissioned the translation years ago for a beer label I did for a friend (a bear like me).

The business name I used was Berkeley Bruin Company. The label was rather like a Scottish clan badge, the central emblem being a bear's paw clutching a tankard. "Iste ursus in tavernam ambulavit" was written where the motto goes on a clan badge, on the belt surrounding the central emblem.

The rest of the joke does not exist (yet), to the best of my knowledge. But I certainly will entertain submissions...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 03:47 PM

Noo for aall us people what taalk English(is) how aboot a translation

Although aah think aah got the one aboot bein g sick in the hat - It's an old sailor's trick (somebody elses hat!)

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Bert
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 03:01 PM

They started calling it BCE because people were getting it confused with BBC.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 02:57 PM

My congratualtions on a topic that has very real potential value to a seriously and conspiculously deprived group.

Jokes a couple of thousand years old are the only ones sufficiently "tried" to pass the "political correctness" filters imposed on what "middle managers" at large corporations may tell at the office. (based on what I've heard from such persons at such venues.)

Once a useful bunch are assembled here, mudcat may become even more famous, intenationally, as a "source site" for useful information. I can see this thread becoming a mandatory citation and required "additional reading" in MBA courses worldwide.

Let's get the list goin'!

John

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: ClaireBear
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 02:47 PM

Iste ursus in tavernam ambulavit....

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Schantieman
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 02:40 PM

..and your Latin's better than mine, Rapaire!

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Schantieman
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 02:39 PM

Caesar adsum iam forte
Pompey ad erat
Caesar sic in omnibus
Pompey sic inat

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 01:35 PM

Romulus: Pulso pulso!
Remus: Quis ibi est?
Romulus: Medicus.
Remus: Medicus quis?

Remus: Quando ianua ianua non est?
Romulus: Quando semiapertus est!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 01:31 PM

Sorry guys, but for a joke to be funny it has to have some basis in reality. By 500 bce (as bc is now commonly noted in scholarly circles) grunting as language and dinosaurs were long gone. By 500 bce, Greek city-states had been formed. Egyptian an Mesopotamian civilizations were already thousands of years old. Writing and sophisticated art were common.
Big thud here guys.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread for the year 500bc
From: GUEST,ibo
Date: 10 Jan 08 - 01:10 PM

why did the dinosaur cross the road
whats a road?