BS: Business speak

Subject: BS: Business speak
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 03:39 PM

Today a colleague just had to share some words she was exposed to at meeting.

Linkages to partnership working = links between teams

Worklessness = state of having no work to do

And this is classic. Councils in the UK look at all projects and services with a view to attaining Beacon Status. Nice little badge they can put on letterhead, websites and publications. Self-congratulatory crap.

The term Predictors of Beaconicity flashed up in a powerpoint presentation.

Got to love that Plain English.

Got any others?

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Bainbo
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 03:46 PM

A local councillor has the title of portfolio holder for attractive and inclusive city. Unlike VT, I can't provide a translation because I don't have a clue what it means.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 04:22 PM

Going forward, let's connect ear-to-ear tomorrow to discuss how we can leverage our B2B synergies in deliverables by drilling down until we get a paradigm shift that will allow us a SWOT analysis.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: gnu
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 05:28 PM

I was at a job interview about a year and half ago for director of engineering for a city government department. Every question was, "How did you use networking to....?"

I said I didn't have a clue about any of that, that I am highly qualified for the position through education and MUCH experience, and clearly demonstrated that I was well versed in the engineering and legal aspects of such.

It was obvious that it was not about being able to DO a good job... it was about being able to bullshit and baffle, good engineering be damned. They got who they wanted.... and our tax payments will rise.

Networking.... crap.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 06:11 PM

I heard two guys in a pub nattering about "Outsourcing natural biological replaceable resources", and only after ten minutes of careful attention to their conversation did I find out they were talking about drafting in agency staff to cover holidays and sickness.

Sheesh, it takes longer to say it than DO it.

Don T.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: catspaw49
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 07:42 PM

Believe it or not, I was once a Divisional Manager for the Southeast U.S.for a medium sized corporation. I wasn't big on corproate speak but I had two favorite phrases that answered damn near everything and fit in with my personal philosophy that everything is either mildly amusing or a pain in the ass.

Q= "Do you think this new (thingie) is what we need to control the market?"
A= "Too early to tell."

Q= "Do you have any ideas to help get more interest in (thingie)?
A= "Too late to care."



Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: GUEST,Spleen Cringe
Date: 05 Nov 09 - 08:18 AM

If you want to play bullshit bingo try working in the NHS: "drilling down", "trajectories", "services that consume their own smoke"...

Meanwhile:

"Improved patient outcomes" – a mantra attached routinely to any policy short of mass slaughter.

"Modernisation programme" – the implementation of modern policies. We know they are modern because they are part of a modernisation programme.

"Efficiency savings" – money saved by cutting services. The word 'efficiency' makes this sound better.

"Changing the culture (of the NHS)" – a good way to blame staff for the mistakes of management. The Department of Health never says that it needs to change.
   
"Stakeholders" – this word gives a warm glow of belonging to whoever is being taken for granted.

"Healthcare in the community" – this is only a bullshit term when used to make sick people invisible.

"Internal competition" – a way of making chaos sound like a new order.
   
"Competitive tendering" – sounds much better than more realistic expressions like "franchising" and "the lowest bidder".
   
"Patient choice" – this is putting the language of sales into the patient's mouth. It assumes that patients want the NHS to be a shopping mall.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 05 Nov 09 - 08:28 AM

"Business is glorified theft" (John Steinbeck, Grapes of Wrath).

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: GREEN WELLIES
Date: 05 Nov 09 - 08:38 AM

There are loads, most covered above.

However, not long ago I attended a meeting with my boss and 4 or other executives. All half his age. One of these 'youngsters' started on the business speak, after 2 or three minutes my boss (who's 59 and can be a bit 'Alan Sugar' but polite) held up his hand and said 'sorry what are you saying', again the young man started into the jargon, again KJ interrupted him 'I'm sorry I cant follow' and so it went on ... business speak ... 'pardon' ... business speak ... 'what do you mean' - until my boss just said 'No Stop - just plain English please, no jargon'.......... and there we sat for probably 5 minutes. The other exec was literally speechless, he just couldnt find the 'ordinary' words to put forward his argument.

KJ stood up and left the boardroom, saying 'young man when you can prove to me you have a comprehensive command of the English language, come and find me and we'll continue'.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Stringsinger
Date: 05 Nov 09 - 04:22 PM

"Those guys on Wall Street are crooks".................Al Capone

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: eddie1
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 02:12 AM

In a life long ago and far away, I was a member of a group planning and conducting training for part-time community education workers. Someone came up with the idea for a "Jargoniser!
All you need are three columns, (1) a list of adverbs, (2) a list of adjectives and (3) a list of nouns. Take any word from each of the three columns and use them together.
We had a secret competition as to who could sneak the greatest number of these into one talk/lecture. Trainees would nod their heads sagely, not wanting to make it look as if they didn't understand.
I remember "Alternately transactional derivatives" as a prime example and "Paradoxically evasive functionalities" as another.
One of the group produced a working model composed of four cardboard discs of reducing sizes with the top one having slits cut in it to reveal the three words. He should have marketed it!
This was pre-computers. I'm sure it would be easy to produce a "Randomly non-dialectic selective pre-inhibitor programme" that would do the trick.

Amaze your friends, baffle your superiors, astound your downline!
A percentage of all royalties to me please.

Eddie

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 02:45 AM

Stroke of brilliance Eddie!

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Bainbo
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 05:13 AM

The Official Internet Bullshit Generator

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 05:45 AM

When I read, in an Article in an extremely learned Legal Journal, by an equally learned contributor, which spoke in terms of a "paradigmatic contradistinction", I nearly changed me religion.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: frogprince
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 10:50 AM

Our small circuit board manufacturer acquired a new vice-president who allegedly had the expertise to get us by some intrenched problems. He lectured the whole crew for god-knows-how-long on the need to change from a push system of production to a pull system; finally he said something that gave some of us at least a clue as to what he had been talking about the whole time.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 02:01 PM

"it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" (Jesus Christ).

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: s&r
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 02:23 PM

"Camel" is of course a mistranslation for "rope".

Stu

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Becca72
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 03:21 PM

My boss is fond of telling us to keep her in the loop, think outside the box and be proactive.
Drives me batshit.

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Joe Offer
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 03:57 PM

My sister's husband, who hails from Maine, is a Business professor at the University of Wisconsin. He works in an MBA factory, making MBA's - but he's rather cynical about it and laughs at the MBA students who take themselves so seriously.

So, one of his favorite things to do in class is play "buzzword bingo." Whenever somebody uses corporate jargon, somebody will shout out and claim the buzzword for bingo credit. Can't say I know all the rules of the game, but I'm glad he does his part to try to make business people cynical about business jargon.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 04:12 PM

Try this bullshit generator for size. This one misses my favourite - Parrallel Reciprocal Mobility" but it has a fair few good one.

Enjoy.

DeG

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 04:53 AM

It's initials at dawn.........

Subject: RE: BS: Business speak
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 05:48 AM

...Here's my Business Speak...

"ENDS
Within the broader music industry, and beyond, what some get for their hour's work, compared with others, is ridiculous and inhumane; hence, many relatively competent musicians within the folk-scene are really struggling to make ends meet; so, if we like fair competition, we don't like capitalism. A better way, as I've suggested in verse, is to accept that humans are competitive, and have strong regulations (partly via nationalisation) to make that competition as fair as possible – whilst also providing 'safety-net' support" (from here).