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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Carol Date: 06 Dec 09 - 08:13 AM Don't know why it had made me a guest! However here's another one BIKER VERSUS OLD LADY A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They could not do it right away, so he said, he did not live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, He now had a problem, as to how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady, who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The biker said, "Well as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane and I would walk you home, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Why thank you very much, " he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked at him cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The lady then said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens." |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,Carol Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:58 AM Naughty but true! How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Ross Campbell Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:51 AM Just a wee song to raise the musicality quotient. Written by Theresa's Shellback colleague and our mutual friend Mr Ron Baxter, ostensibly for local hairdresser, ukelele maestro and humourous song-writer Richard Grothusen (a.k.a. The Amazing Dick) but pinched by me to raise my quotient of sly songs. The tune I use is more or less "The Garden Where the Praties Grow"/ "The Soor Milk Cairt". A Gross Mistake Ron Baxter Tune trad. arr. Ross Campbell I was working down the barber's on a "Tony Curtis" crop, When an auld lad, about eighty-four, shuffled in the shop; I said "I'll not be long, sir!", but for a cut he hadn't come; He said "I'd like a word wi' you - and in private, son!" "You remember Friday evening, the last time you cut ma hair? Just as I was leaving, you said 'One moment, sir! Anything for the week-end?' and I said 'I think I ought to have a few of they Johnny things - so a gross from you I bought!'" I said, "Indeed!", I remembered him, for that many I rarely sell; He frowned as he continued, for things hadn't turned out well; "Although a hundred and forty-four from you I thought I'd bought - I'm sorry, son, but you've diddled me, and I find I'm a packet short!" "Oh!" I said "I'm really sorry, sir, you can have another pack - Or if you would prefer it, you can have a refund back!" He said "No, never mind, lad - but I'll tell ye as a friend To be more careful in future – (spoken) for you spoiled a great week-end!" All the best, Theresa Love from Ross |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: kendall Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:51 AM Conversation between a newly married former prostitute and her new hubby. She "That's a rather small organ you have." He, "It wasn't designed to be played in the Albert Hall." When Jackie Kennedy married Onassis, for wedding presents she gave him an erector set, and he gave her a do it yourself kit. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: kendall Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:45 AM She was only a Jockys daughter, but all the horsemanure |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,old git Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:18 AM It was a day in November As I well remember I was walking down the street in drunken pride My legs were all a-flutter So I landed in the gutter And a pig walked up and lay down by my side Yes I lay there in the gutter Thinking thoughts I could not utter When a colleen passing by did stop and say "You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses" At that the pig got up and walked away! cheers Theresa geoff turner |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: s&r Date: 06 Dec 09 - 07:06 AM We were fitting a new carpet. Fiddly and awkward. Finished, and put the door trims on; stopped for a well earned cigarette. Rusty, have you seen my fags? No.......you know what's coming.. In the middle of the floor was a lump. Bugger! So I stamped repeatedly on the cig packet, and breathed a sigh of relief - it was as flat as makes no difference. Then Rusty said Here's your fags: they were in the bathroom. You've not seen the budgie have you? Keep smiling Teresa Rusty and Stu |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: jacqui.c Date: 06 Dec 09 - 06:56 AM When Kendall and I were visiting Giok a couple of years back we went on a tour of the Glenmorangie distillery. We were taken all through the process, with Kendall and Giok desperately trying to get locked in the storehouse. The final leg of the tour was to a room back of the gift shop, where the virtues of the various cask types were explained to us by a very nice Scottish lady, probably in her mid fifties. (Think Maggie Smith in Prime of Miss Jean Brodie.) We were all to have a wee dram of our choice of Port or Sherry cask or of cask strength - the latter was Kendall's choice, although he wasn't aware that this one was as close as you could get to moonshine and stay legal. The lady explained that we would first sip the neat brew and than would have just a drop of water added to see how the water brought out the taste of the Scotch. As sheleft the room to get the drinks Kendall stopped her and said "I never take water in my Scotch, but if you have a diet Pepsi......?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: GUEST,padgett on lap top Date: 06 Dec 09 - 04:22 AM Pinched from Scowie's book Do bees hum because they dont know the words? She was only an airman's daughter but by helicopter! Sex at 78? WE now have to resort to the Plumber Position ~ [next is censored (by me)] Ray |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:35 PM Non PC but funny: Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:24 PM Subject: Funnies Things to make you stop and think 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SINSULL Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:21 PM I apologize in advance for this one. Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things: 1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page; 2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, favored by local musicians. It was decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts they'd quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking (and feeling) dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late." Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all (get ready, here it comes...) It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Leadfingers Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:02 PM American Health Debate American Medical Association has weighed in on President Obama's proposed healthcare plan. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington . |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Gweltas Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:45 PM Another smile.... Man goes to the doctors .... Man: "I think I'm going deaf, Doctor" Doctor: "Describe the symptoms" Man: "Homer's the fat one and Marge has blue hair....." |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Gweltas Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:44 PM I thought Theresa might enjoy this one, too ! How to make friends and irritate others, by being non PC! The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English haven't been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they've been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" & then "Collaborate" The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform" and "Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. New Zealand has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: ranger1 Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:43 PM True story: My best friend from high school, his younger sister and I were all at the beach one summer day. A tourist wanders over to us and asks us what the difference is between a hard-shell lobster and a soft-shell lobster. My best friend was a biology major who was working that summer for the local fishermen's co-op and he explained to the tourist that soft-shells had just shed their shells and hard-shells hadn't shed yet. The tourist decided to impress us local yokels with his big vocabulary and asked: "so they're lactating, right?" While his sister and I were rolling on the ground howling with laughter, Bernd managed to answer the tourist with: "No, I mean they're shedding!" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Selchie - (RH) Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:29 PM Parents asked their little boy what he wanted for Christmas. He said "I wanna watch" So they let him. Snuffy (on Rosie's computer) |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:28 PM A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a beer". The bartender says "Hey! You're a duck! I've never seen a duck in this bar." The duck says "I've never been here before. I'm just started working at the construction site across the street". And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?" And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Leadfingers Date: 05 Dec 09 - 05:02 PM " I Say Waiter - What's the Soup Of The Day ?" " Its Bean Soup , Sir " " I dont care what it's BEEN - What is it now ?" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 09 - 04:43 PM Has nothing to do with age & decrepitude, huh? |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Crane Driver Date: 05 Dec 09 - 04:37 PM That's why I have to play sitting down, Bill - otherwise the concertina is too high for Carole to sing with . . . |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 09 - 04:32 PM So, this little boy was learning a song for Sunday school. The teacher listened and said... "Very nice Johnny, but could you sing it a little higher?" So he climbed on a chair and started over.... |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SussexCarole Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:58 PM My thanks to Joe for allowing this to stay in the music section. I can't ever think of Theresa being anywhere else!! |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: katlaughing Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:57 PM *Groan*, Kendal!:-) Heard this on Cartalk the other day. Paraphrased: Two foreign scientists wanted to studie grizzly bears in Yellowstone Park; one was from Hungary and the other from the Czech Republic. They flew to Yellowstone, met with the park rangers who warned them about how dangerous the bears could be. They gave them communication devices, maps, and supplies and told them they HAD to check in every day. Otherwise, the rangers would have to go look for them immediately, because it would mean they'd probably been killed by the bears. A couple of weeks went by with no problems, they checked in everyday and were quite pleased with the data they were getting. Finally, the day came when they didn't check in. The rangers launched an immediate rescue party. It took awhile for them to get to the right spot. When they reached it, they saw the female grizzly and realised they'd have to shoot her in order to open her and see if she'd eaten either of the scientists. They hated to have to do that, but felt it was necessary. They didn't want any kind of international incident at the loss of the scientists. So, they shot her, opened up her belly and found the Hungarian; sure enough, she'd eaten him. One ranger looked at the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger said, "Yeah, the Czech is in the male!" |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: kendall Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:45 PM Guy walking in the woods with his gun, meets a beautiful woman. She says "What are you doing"? He says, "I'm looking for game." She says, "Well, I'M game." He shot her. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Alice Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:40 PM When life gives you lemons.... |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Ebbie Date: 05 Dec 09 - 03:10 PM When their father turned 85 his sons conspired to give him a birthday celebration to end birthday celebrations. They took him to the city, they visited musuems, they went to dinner at the fanciest, most expensive restaurant, they went to a Broadway musical and finally, at last, they deposited him in his ornate hotel suite and bade him good night. There is a knock at the door. He opens it and there stands a slinky, gorgeous young woman in the skimpiest of outfits. His eyes huge, he says, Yes? She says, I'm here for you. Only you. He stammers, Why? She purrs, Would you like supersex? He says, I'll take the soup. |
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Subject: RE: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Dec 09 - 02:55 PM You could ask her why the usual workout DVDs don't work in Leigh. As soon as they hear 'Hands on thighs' they all cover their faces... Send the lass our regards from Swinton :D (eG) |
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Subject: Smiles for Theresa Tooley From: SussexCarole Date: 05 Dec 09 - 02:38 PM I've just visited Theresa. Despite the effects of MND on her body Theresa's mind and sense of humour are as sharp as ever! Please brighten her day by posting Theresa a short lighthearted message or perhaps a joke. Please NO nostalgia, memories or sympathy. So I'll start the post rolling.......... "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground." I'm sure you can all do much better than that so now over to you.....
-Joe Offer- |
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