BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010

Subject: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:02 PM

"Great Benefits"

A woman, applying for a job, inquired about the
benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her
they had group health and life insurance, but the
costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage,
as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a
month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I cannot help but ask why you would leave a job
with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said,

"The company went bankrupt."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Juke Thread of 2010
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:14 PM

Is this thread like a juke joint?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Juke Thread of 2010
From: mousethief
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:20 PM

Is that one of those "ha ha ha we should all be Republicans because taking care of the poor costs us too much" jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:03 PM

Somebody's looking too hard for things to disagree about.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:09 PM

no, it's just funny.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:17 PM

Male Jews are often named after their (deceased) grandfathers, and such was the case of a certain respected rabbi, who, as is customary, drank to excess at a Purim celebration, and fell asleep on the floor. The other celebrants conspired to lay him out on his grandfather's grave, reasoning that he would be sure to say something wise when he woke. So they did, and concealed themselves nearby. When he woke, he had a careful look around, and said: "I am either alive or dead. If I am alive, why am I in a graveyard under a tombstone bearing my name? But if I am dead, why do I have to piss?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 10:44 PM

I like it as a juke thread...we need more juke joints.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 02:13 PM

I'd settle for more joints...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Michael
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 04:35 PM

Juke of Edinburgh? Smokes joints?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 08:44 PM

"The Talking Parrot"

A lady is looking to purchase a pet for companionship,
and so she goes to the local pet shop to purchase a cat or
such. However, when she arrives, she is intrigued by
the beautiful young parrot on a perch by the counter.

"Will this parrot talk?" she asks the owner.
   
"Oh yes, this parrot comes from a long line of excellent
talkers. In two weeks, he will be mimicking your
speech like he's having a conversation with you."

The lady excitedly purchases the bird in a large cage
(for a handsome fee) and takes it home.

Two weeks later, she comes into the store.

"This bird you sold me hasn't said a word!"
   
The owner looks puzzled.

"I can't understand it, that is our best talker. He
should talk when he swings. "
   
"What? You didn't sell me a swing!"

The owner happily sells her a swing for the bird's
cage.

But, two weeks later, she returns with the same
complaint.
   
"I really can't understand it, he should talk after
exercising on the ladder," the owner says.

Frustrated that he didn't tell her this before, she
buys the ladder.

Two weeks later, ...you know.
   
The owner says, "something is wrong, because
when he climbs on the stairs, and gets on his swing,
and looks into the mirror, he definitely should be
talking!"

She buys the mirror, and in two more weeks.
In she walks with the cage, containing the swing,
ladder, mirror... and one dead parrot with its legs
up in the air.

"Here's your mute bird and all the junk you sold me -
all I want is my money back!"
   
The owner was dumbfounded.

"Lady, this is the first parrot that has ever come back -
didn't the parrot say any words at all??"
   
"Well, now that you mention it, he did, say one thing,"
she said.

"He said, 'Doesn't... that... shop... sell.... Bird food?!?'"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jul 10 - 08:30 AM

"Letters on the Collar"

A priest was walking along the school corridor near
the preschool wing when a group of little ones were
trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad
of about three or four stopped and looked at him in
his clerical clothes and asked,

"Why do you dress funny?"

He told him that he was a priest and that this is the
uniform priests wear.

The boy pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert
and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him
the collar insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest
took it out to show him. On the back of the collar are
raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,
"Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to
read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says,
'Kills ticks and fleas for up to six months!' "

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Jul 10 - 07:28 PM

I forgot to add to the motif of my previous post:

What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, and a deid Scotsman?

A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed. A puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed. And a deid Scotsman canna pee at a'.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jul 10 - 09:39 AM

"Conflicting Proverbs "

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come
all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 02:12 PM

The Real Story of the 3 Little Pigs

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area, they each built a beautiful house.

One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln fired from methane gas from his environmentally correct outhouse. When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyll was soon shattered.

One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and native culture!"

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the straw house had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation using petroleum-based fertilizers and pesticides which contaminate the groundwater.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The little pigs shouted back, "Go to Hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"

At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves have now built a time-share condo resort complex for other vacationing wolves. Each unit was a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkeling and exploitative shows featuring dolphins captured from the wild.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response the little pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore point of view. So he huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead of a massive heart attack brought on by eating too many fatty foods. The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf.

Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of "porcinistas" attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.

Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone.

Author's note:
The wolf was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolf was harmed in the writing of this story.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Jul 10 - 09:53 AM

"How Do You Spell That?"   

"Information? I need the number of Caseway
Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea.
E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 13 Jul 10 - 03:03 AM

He Uncle Dave, ya forgot one,

Laughter is the best medecine, unless you've got asthma, then it's Ventalin.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Jul 10 - 05:01 AM

"How Do You Spell That?"

I'm sorry but I do not get that one...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Michael
Date: 15 Jul 10 - 05:58 AM

"How Do You Spell That?"

When the letters are used in the words given they sound like other letters;
C in cadence = K, A as in Aye = I, S as in sea = C etc.
So they are no help in spelling.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jul 10 - 08:43 AM

"Lottery Ticket"

I was working on my retirement plan at my desk yesterday
(scratching lottery tickets) when TZ walked up behind me.

"Did we win anything?" he asked.

"What do you mean 'we?'" I answered.

"Do you mean to tell me you wouldn't cut me in on any big
winnings?"

"Why would I?"

"You're in my will."

"I doubt that."

"You are!" he exclaimed. "I'm leaving you all of my under-
wear that are too small for me anymore."

"Do you wow your wife with this kind of humor?"

"All the time." he answered.

"And you're still married. The generosity of women never
ceases to amaze me."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jul 10 - 10:04 AM

"Miracle"

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jul 10 - 10:36 AM

The doc told my friend that the best way to lose weight was to eat slightly less over two days than normal and skip the third day... that way he could lose up to a kilo in a fortnight.
When he went back to the doc a fortnight later.. he had lost three kilos ... the doc asked "Did you follow my instructions"? " Of course I did" said my friend.. the doc couldn't understand why he lost so much weight...... My friend told him "I was feeling really ill at the end of the third day doc"... the doc replied.. "I guess that was the hunger".... "No" replied my friend "It was all the skipping"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jul 10 - 09:08 PM

"Questions Most Often Asked At A 99-Cent Store"

10. "How much is this?"

9. "Is this necklace real gold?"

8. "Do these Tampa Bay Devil Rays sweatshirts
come in medium?"

7. "So let me get this straight -- everything
here is 99 cents?"

6. "How much is this?"

5. "Do you have anything nicer for $1.99?"

4. "How much is this 'Best of Ray Stevens' CD?"

3. "Didn't this used to be a White Castle?"

2. "Do you have change of a dollar bill?"

1. "Can someone go to the bank and get more
pennies?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 10 - 09:25 AM

"Five"

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw
my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned
that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last.

Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream
consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him
that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number
"5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

Doug's curiosity was piqued. I went on to say that the
first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily
racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an
eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race
was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning.
Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day.

I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five
cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head -
I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I
found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before
starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the
fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth
admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the
fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in
the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the
bleachers making sure there were five people sitting
on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the
race to start.

"Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?"

I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jul 10 - 02:17 PM

"My Knee Hurts"

Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and
said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused
and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

"98!" Johnson announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . .

Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you.
You're practically one hundred years old, and you're
complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you
expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old
too, and it don't hurt!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Jul 10 - 08:02 PM

In the beginning there was nothing, which decayed.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Aug 10 - 12:13 AM

A man who needed to borrow some money went into a bank.

"Are you the loan arranger?" he asked the man behind the window.

"No, sir," the teller replied, "I'm Wyatt Earp."


{Reminded of this 1950s tv-refd pleasantry by some remarks in the recently revived Billy·the·Kid thread...}

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Aug 10 - 01:58 AM

My sisters heard this and thought my grandson would like it:

Do you know why sharks swim only in salt water?



























Because they don't like pepper!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Aug 10 - 02:13 PM

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

This evening the doorbell rang. We live in a predominantly Jewish suburban neighborhood of single family houses, a demographic fact known far and wide. I opened the door and was greeted by a nicely dressed man.

"I have come to bring Jesus to your home," he said.

I reacted almost immediately and asked, "Is he coming for dinner?"

The man said, "He will come any time you are ready."

A-ha, I had a live one. "Well, tonight we're having a stir fry. Does Jesus like chicken?" I asked. The man's eyes glazed slightly. "I don't know if he still keeps kosher, after all these years," I continued, "but this is a kosher home, so he'll be able to eat."

He gulped, "What?"

"You mean Jesus Christ, don't you?" I asked. He nodded. I continued, "Born in Bethlehem?" He nodded and started to back away from my door. I smiled and said, "If that's the guy, he's Jewish." As he started to turn away, I said, "You're invited too, but no butter on your dinner roll," and the guy almost ran down the walk.

My wife asked me who was at the door and I told her, "Some friend of Jesus."

She knows me. She shrugged. "And did you invite him in?" she asked.

I nodded, "Sure. I invited him and Jesus to dinner, but the guy ran away."

She walked back into the kitchen and said over her shoulder, "You don't speak Aramaic, dummy. Jesus would have a lousy evening here."

I told you, she knows me. I forgot all about the language problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Aug 10 - 07:18 PM

What's the difference between a medicine bottle and a penis?

A medicine bottle you "Shake well *before* using".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 10 - 10:02 AM

"It's a What?"

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a
beer just as former President George Bush, Jr. aired
on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at
the television and mumbled ,"Now, there is the
biggest horse's ass I have ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer,
former President Ronald Reagan appeared on the
television. "He is a horse's ass too!" the man said.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar
quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked
him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the
bar. "This must be Republican country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 10 - 03:17 PM

The Longest Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 04 Aug 10 - 11:30 PM

Those last two are great! LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Aug 10 - 10:07 AM

"Something For The House"

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and
the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and
later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at
the front door, and as she stood at the top of the
stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk,
trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because
I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran
down the stairs to help him, she said, "What did
you buy for the house, dear?"

His answered, "A round of drinks!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 10 - 05:44 PM

"Don't Blame The Doc, Doc"

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination
room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked
the doctor.

"My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of
time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he
give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Ron Davies
Date: 19 Aug 10 - 09:23 PM

Dave O--

Your 3 Little Pigs story is one of the best things I've read in years--an instant classic.   And I'm not alone in this. Where did you get it?

Ron

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Ron Davies
Date: 19 Aug 10 - 09:25 PM

Or did you write it?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Aug 10 - 02:20 PM

No, more's the pity, I didn't write it.   

I'll PM you.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Aug 10 - 01:39 PM

"Inoculations"

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to
tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client
had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head,
the woman leaned forward and whispered,

"I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 04:48 PM

A married Irishman went into the Confessional, and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 05:41 PM

"You see that white animal with the silver horns ~~ isn't it a water buffalo?"

"No; it's a wash bison."

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 06:02 PM

Old Buddies Get Together

A group of 50-year-old buddies meet in their college town for a reunion, and discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because the food there is very good and the wine selection is the best in town.

Ten years later at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because they can eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Chez Snooty because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible, and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 90 years of age, the group meets for one last reunion, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty, because none of them have ever been there before.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 06:28 AM

{Probably the most un-PC joke I know, which for some reason came back into my mind just now after must be 50 or so years & still made me smile at the recollection}


What is the definition of a wife?

It is a gadget you screw on the bed and it does the housework.


Sorry.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 03:14 PM

Classifieds

    These classifieds actually ran in a
    Minneapolis newspaper -
    a smile for your day....
   
    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
    8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
   
    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog...
   
    FREE PUPPIES
    Mother, AKC German Shepherd
    Father, Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
   
    FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG
    Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
    Better be a big reward.
   
    COWS: NEVER BRED
    Also 1 gay bull for sale..
   
    NORDIC TRACK
    $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
   
    GEORGIA PEACHES
    California grown - 89 cents/lb.
   
    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer $300.
   
    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
    Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
   
    And the best one?
   
    FOR SALE BY OWNER:
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.      
    Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer
    needed, Got married last month. Husband knows everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 04:11 PM

An elderly man went into a brothel and told the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looked at the ancient man and asked, 'How old are you?'

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'You're 90!' replied the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' said the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 09:06 PM

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears.

Seeing their dire situation, the genie figures he can get away with granting only one wish, and tells them so.

"Just one?" the lamp finder says.

"Just one," the genie confirms.

"I've always known what my one wish would be if I got it," the man says: "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going, mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Aug 10 - 03:26 PM

Fantastic Watch

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. It's an invention of mine I've been working on. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.

"Zoom out," Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York State.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with laser paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 3000 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready..."

"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute!" calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Aug 10 - 12:16 PM

"Cows"

A city slicker was visiting a dude ranch and being
shown around. As they were walking the visitor
said to one of the cowhands. "Are we going to be
driving that big bunch of cows over there?"

The hired hand replied, "Not bunch, it's a herd."

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure I've heard of cows," exclaimed the slicker,
"There's a bunch of 'em right over there."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: RangerSteve
Date: 28 Aug 10 - 06:25 PM

A variation of Uncle Dave-O's last entry, my brother and I do this as a dialogue:
Look at that bunch of cows.

Not "bunch", it's a Herd.

Herd of what?

Herd of cows.

Sure I've heard of cows.

No, no, a cow herd

What do I care, I've got no secrets from a cow.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 05:28 PM

Old Buddies Get Together for Dinner

A group of 50-year-old buddies meet in their college town for a reunion, and discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because the food there is very good and the wine selection is the best in town.

Ten years later at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because they can eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Chez Snooty because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible, and they even have an elevator.
Ten years later, at 90 years of age, the group meets for one last reunion, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty, because none of them have ever been there before.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 09:15 PM

A metajoke, Uncle DaveO? (see 23 Aug 10 6:02pm, above)