BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 09:16 PM

23 Aug 10 - 06:02 PM to 31 Aug 10 - 05:28 PM. About 8 days. Does that qualify as short-term memory loss?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 05:52 PM

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 06:17 PM

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."
"You've become WHAT?"
"A prostitute, father."
"Praise the Lord! I thought at first you said a Protestant."

*

A graduate student came around a blind corner in the cafeteria and nearly collided with his professor. "My God!" said the student, "I nearly hit you." "I told you not to call me that in public," said the professor.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 06:48 PM

"Dog Words"

The teacher was telling the class about plants
that have the word "dog" in front of them:
dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.

She asked the class if they could name another
flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss
Jones, a 'collie' flower!"


------


"Inoculations"

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to
tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client
had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head,
the woman leaned forward and whispered,

"I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 05 Sep 10 - 04:15 AM

Senile dementia setting in?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Sep 10 - 05:26 PM

Probably.

But I didn't think everybody would get the joke, so I ran it by again.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Sep 10 - 06:27 PM

In a convent, two nuns are gossiping. One says, in a whisper, "I hear there's a case of syphilis in the kitchen." "Good!" says the other, "I've been getting tired of Beaujolais."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Sep 10 - 02:24 PM

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Sep 10 - 08:52 PM

The Queen of England knighted Rush Limbaugh and dubbed him Sir Osis of Liver.

When doctors did a sonogram on LImbaughs Liver, it was so dead, shrunken and black that they distinctly heard his liver say "Wachu talkin bout Willis."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Sep 10 - 01:47 PM

12 Ways E-mail is Like... a Male Reproductive Organ

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

Those who don't have it agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

Many of those who don't have it wish they did (aka, e-mail envy).

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it more difficult to get any real work done.

In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.

If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can easily spread viruses.

If you use it too much, you'll find that it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrants.

Most people play with it way too much.

and...

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Sep 10 - 07:00 PM

California Drivers License Test Answers (Allegedly)

California supposedly has the best drivers -- but there are always exceptions.

These are supposedly real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders). Riiiiight.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Drive like minamoto.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Sep 10 - 12:46 PM

Wedding Night Photos

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh," he exclaims, "you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe. "We are married now," the new wife says. "You can open your robe!"

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, my! Let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Sep 10 - 01:31 PM

A Day in Hell

A young man from Tampa dies, and, unfortunately, goes to Hell. As per routine, he's assigned to work in the sulfur pits. Lucifer comes by on a tour one day, and he sees the boy whistling and laughing and enjoying himself. Well, Lucifer walks up to the young man and says "Boy, why are you so happy? Aren't you hot enough?"
The young man answers: "Well, it's sure hot down here, but it reminds me of July back in Tampa!"

Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's boss. Well, he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds the boy still laughing and whistling and having a grand old time.

So Lucifer goes up to the boy and says "Boy, I turned the heat up -- why are you so happy?"

The young man smiles and says "Well, sir, it is hotter now than it was, but this isn't any different than a warm day in August. It feels just like home."

So Lucifer goes away, and starts to thinking, and then he gets a big grin on his face. (I'd call it a devilish grin, but that's kind of redundant).

Lucifer thinks to himself, "Let's see how that Tampa boy likes the cold." So he goes and turns the heat way down in the sulfur pits, so it gets icy cold, and there's snow and ice everywhere and the winds howling and the tortured souls are getting frozen left and right.

He goes and checks on the boy, and the boy is still laughing -- in fact he seems to be laughing even harder than before!

"Boy," says Lucifer. "You were happy when it was hot, and now you're happy that it's cold. Why are you so happy?"

The boy answers, with a big grin on his face. "It's a cold day in Hell! The Bucs must be in the Superbowl!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: quokka
Date: 15 Sep 10 - 05:17 AM

„X        John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious...
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure."

So he sat down and emailed his mother, he wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received an email from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Sep 10 - 01:56 PM

According to Alfred Denning (1899-1999), a British soldier, mathematician, lawyer and judge:

-----
"When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps.

When he says perhaps he means no.

When he says no, he is not a diplomat.

When a lady says no, she means perhaps.

When she says perhaps, she means yes.

But when she says yes, she is not a lady."

--From his Speech to the Magistrates Association
October 14, 1982

(Another great Lord Denning quote:

"The House of Commons starts its proceedings with a prayer. The chaplain looks at the assembled members with their varied intelligence and then prays for the country."

--In the Daily Telegraph, October 12, 1989)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: LadyJean
Date: 24 Sep 10 - 12:16 AM

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The size of the dirt bag.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Midchuck
Date: 24 Sep 10 - 09:43 AM

From Lady Jean:

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The size of the dirt bag.

Good joke, but twenty years out of date. Harley riders now are mostly executives, doctors, dentists, lawyers, CPAs and such. No one else can afford 'em.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Sep 10 - 05:03 PM

Lord Denning, 1982, 3 above, on diplomats and ladies. Always a favourite of my father's as far back as I can recall ~~ at least to the 1930s. Oh, well, as they say, the old ones are the best ~~ even for the Master Of The Rolls.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 24 Sep 10 - 11:24 PM

"Harley riders now are mostly executives, doctors, dentists, lawyers, CPAs and such."

I'd say the joke still works. I've known representatives from all those professions. The best one of them all was the dentist.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Sep 10 - 05:27 PM

Two old men are seated in an eatery. The first one orders a glass of tea. The second says "I want a glass to tea too -- and make sure the glass is clean." So the waiter comes back with a glass in each hand and says "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 11:31 AM

"The Slowest Buffalo"

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo.

When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 09:12 PM

What I Learned from the Movies

More things you would never know if it weren't for the movies.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight or ugly, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty, without getting dirty, and without being heard.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the terrible mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. English spoken in a cheesy German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his resulting wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back," they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and can hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 02:47 AM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Texas when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a senator in Obama's Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 04:19 PM

Sticking Up For Your Client

The following exchange supposedly occurred on March 5, 1997 on the show "Politically Incorrect" between host Bill Maher and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers in their trial for the shotgun murder of their parents:

Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?

Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial.

Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.

Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.

Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?

Leslie: No!

Bill: What did they do?

Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

(Editorial note: The brothers were found guilty, and are in prison.)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: RangerSteve
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 12:01 PM

Uncle Dave - No doubt people are going to add to your list, so here's at least one: Even in the most traffic congested city, the police will find a parking space in front of the building they're going to investigate.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 01:29 PM

In American films people always have sex with their underwear on.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 05:12 PM

Georgiansilver - that's one that predates Obama, and appears mostly as a pasture in California (although the geography does vary a bit, including "New South Wales"!). Used to be "The Cowboy and the Yuppie". The technology is occasionally updated, apparently; he's no longer using his Palm Pilot, but "Dell Notebook computer"?? Oughta be an iPad. :-)

~ Becky in Long Beach

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 06:50 PM

For movie clichés, see the threads
BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies,
BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies II, and
BS: only in the movies

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Oct 10 - 08:39 PM

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share
all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 11:53 AM

Puns for Educated Minds
   
    1.
    The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.
   
    2.
    I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be
    an optical Aleutian.
   
    3.
    She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
   
    4.
    A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
    a weapon of math disruption.
   
    5.
    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
   
    6.
    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
   
    7.
    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
    Blownapart.
   
    8.
    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
   
    9.
    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
    into it.
   
    10.
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
   
    11.
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
   
    12.
    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
    other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
   
    13.
    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
   
    14.
    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
   
    15.
    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
    large.
   
    16.
    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
    veteran.
   
    17.
    A backward poet writes inverse.
   
    18.
    In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
    that votes.
   
    19.
    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
   
    20.
    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
   
    21.
    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
    looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
    passenger.'
   
    22.
    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
    'Dam!'
   
    23.
    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
    craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
    your kayak and heat it too.
   
    24.
    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
    says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
   
    25.
    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
    canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
   
    26.
    There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at
    least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 03:08 PM

"Puns for educated minds" reminded me of Jokes by Steven Wright. He's famous for his 2-liners. Here are some of my favorites:

The sign at the café said "Breakfast served any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me; I'm afraid of widths.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Smokey.
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 04:14 PM

Q: How much beauty does it take to launch a ship?

A: One millihelen.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 08:21 PM

Smokey: Whereas a microhelen suffices to arouse one sailor.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Oct 10 - 10:01 AM

Roger's #9 above reminds me of the robbery at our local police station in which all the washroom accessories were stolen. The police say they have nothing to go on.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Oct 10 - 11:06 PM

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "Don't know" said the farmer. "Never could catch the son of a bitch!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 10:00 AM

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:


2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman


2 French men and 1 French woman


2 German men and 1 German woman


2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman


2 English men and 1 English woman


2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman


2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman


2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman


2 American men and 1 American woman


2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman



One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following events have occurred:


One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.


The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.


The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.


The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.


The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.


The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.


The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.


The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 01:48 PM

"Angel Cake"

Sarah Kay was studying the origins of foods in kindergarten.
One day, she and her mother were walking through the
grocery store discussing what ingredients went into various
products.

Sarah Kay said, "Pork comes from pigs and beef comes
from cows." Then she asked, "How DO they get the pork
from the pig, Mommy?"

Her mother felt that the truth was the only way to go, so
she explained that they kill the animal to eat its meat.

Horrified, Sarah Kay went past shelves staring at the meat
and saying, "They KILLED a cow to get THIS?" She could not
believe it, and her little heart was broken.

Then, they went to the bakery where Sarah Kay began to
check out the various donuts and goodies. She noticed
a beautiful white cake and asked, "Mommy, what is this
cake called?"

Her mother replied, "It's an angelfood cake, honey."

Immediately Sarah Kay's eyes filled with big tears and she
wailed, "You mean they KILLED an ANGEL to make this?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 03:13 PM

An american rancher visits his irish farmer cousin. He asks "How big a place have you got here?"
The irishman says, "I can set out in the morning to walk the perimeter, and I won't get back till it's dark."
The cousin says "I start out in the morning to DRIVE round my ranch, and I don't get back till midnight."
"Aye" says the paddy. "I used to have a car like that, too."


What's black and blue and floats in the Irish Sea?
The last Englisnman to tell an Irish joke in my local.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 08:27 PM

DaveO: You mean they *castrated* a codfish to make these?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Oct 10 - 12:49 PM

Only if they're making codfish balls.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Oct 10 - 05:01 PM

I think I get all the puns - except

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Might be because my English is limited - but I need it explained ...

Thanks in advance.

Andy/MudGuard

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Oct 10 - 05:27 PM

Mudguard, assuming that you know the word "kayak" as the small one or maybe two person skin boat made and used by Eskimoes, we'll go on to the pun involved.

It's a punning change on "You can't have your cake and eat it too," an extremely common folk saying in English, which means that you can't dispose of a good both by consumption and preservation; you've got to choose.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Dead Horse
Date: 13 Oct 10 - 05:30 PM

The Dentist with a good sense of humor....

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,folkiedave
Date: 13 Oct 10 - 05:47 PM

Two blokes touring Australia and have arrived at Kakadu (Crocodile Dundee Country). They see a man being swallowed by a crocodile and only his head is showing.

One turns to the other and says "Would you look at that poser in his Lacoste sleeping bag".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Oct 10 - 08:12 PM

A Bostonian and his guest from out of town were strolling in the Back Bay one evening. Said the guest, "What are all those bright lights over there?" "Oh, that's Fenway Park. There must be a game on." "But what are those big black things flitting around the lights?" "Well, the lights attract insects, and those are bats that come out to eat the insects. They're baseball bats."

*

Teacher: "The Indians had bows so strong they could shoot an arrow into a buffalo right up to the feathers. Student: "But buffaloes don't have feathers."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MudGuard
Date: 16 Oct 10 - 03:14 PM

sorry for the late reaction, Dave - and thanks for the explanation.

I didn't know the proverb about the cake - and thus was punished (SCNR) with not seeing the similarity to the heated kayak ...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 17 Oct 10 - 05:58 AM

What's green and grows and has five legs?

Grass.






(I was lying about the five legs.)



~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Oct 10 - 04:56 PM

"Buying Hats"

My wife Carol and I were visiting her 95-year-old
grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy
a new hat.

Carol took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't
have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed,"
she said. So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's
grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15.
I would pay the difference.

Grandpa picked out a $60 hat and was charged $15.
After he left, I paid the other $45.

Later he said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought
there cost me $60."


--------


"Age"

An older lady is making her first visit to her new
doctor's office. Before seeing the doctor she is
required to fill out forms. A nurse in the office
offers to help her do this. The nurse starts by asking,
"How old are you, Mrs. Silver?"

"None of your business," she responds.

The nurse then says, "But the doctor must know
your age for his records."

Mrs. Silver replies, "Okay. Well, first, multiply twenty
by two, then add ten. Got that?"

"Yes. Fifty." answers the nurse.

"All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do
you get?"

The nurse says, "Zero."

Mrs. Silver responds, "Right! And that's exactly the
chance of me telling you my age."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Oct 10 - 09:34 PM

"Oldest Profession"

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician -
were discussing which of their professions was the oldest.
The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a
surgical procedure."

The engineer replied: "Before Adam and Eve, order was
created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job."

The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created
the chaos?"


-----


"Suspicious Tie"

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court
judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for
one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a
resort complex to get his mind off a rather
complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed
a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was
equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted
by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the
device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for
analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington
office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI
told him, "but we discovered that when you press it,
it plays 'Jingle Bells'."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 24 Oct 10 - 02:37 AM

Uncle Dave, your "Oldest Profession" joke reminds me of a similar one:

Three engineers were wondering what kind of engineer God must be. The electrical engineer claims it has to be his profession. "Look at the nervous system, and incredible matrix of impulses allowing control of every part of the body."

"No," says the mechanical engineer. "Look at the blood system. It carries nutrition and hormones to each part of the body and eliminates waste the same way. It's a perfect system."

"Nope," replied the third person. "He HAS to be a civil engineer."

"What?" cry the other two. "How can you say that?"

"Who else," said the civil engineer calmly, "would run a sewage disposal system through a major recreational area?"