Jokes turned into songs...

Subject: Jokes turned into songs...
From: lamarca
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:27 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Seeing yet another thread on "Why Paddy's Not at Work Today" (under all its various names), I started thinking of other jokes or comedy routines that have been turned into songs. Of course, there's the classic "Arkansas Traveller" stringing together of one-liners, but I thought we could have fun listing songs that started out as old (or new) jokes.

One classic is Mike Cross' song, The Scotsman's Kilt

And John McCutcheon and friends put an old urban legend to music in The $65 Sportscar

I've recently heard this classic re-told about Bill Clinton and a nubile young lady...The Vicar and the Frog

Then there's Matt McGinn's setting of the old tale of the defeat of Rome by the canny Scot, Grigaloo

I've heard Ed Miller sing a song version about the old lady, the genie, and her beloved cat, the punch line of which is "Boy are YOU going to be sorry you took me to the vet..." - doesn't seem to be in the DT, and I haven't got the words or the tune.

Any others that folks like? Enter them in if you know them and the DT doesn't have them yet!

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:29 PM

As long as you're not discussing how some performers turn songs into jokes...

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:39 PM

Martin Carthy does a good one about a lady who is abused by her drunken husband, until finally she snaps, and sews him into the bed. He wakes up thinking he has been paralysed, and then proceeds to get soundly whupped by the wife with a frying pan. Can't remember it all, just like Martin when he did it at Towersey 3 years ago....

LTS

A STITCH IN TIME

link added by a Joe clone

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: MMario
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:47 PM

the joke about the old lady and her cat is "The dundee Cat" - see here for old thread with lyrics and tune

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: MMario
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:55 PM

ANGUS AND THE KILT (Wench Works)

VIRTUE - Brian Leo

Drunken Suitor

THE CRAYFISH

Lady Beverly

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: A. Non
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:58 PM

An example is given and many others cited from 'The Greater Book of the Bawdy Celts' in the article available in the thread BS: Galore of Celtica. Non-Celtic is "The Dumb Maid", or "Dumb, Dumb, Dumb". We have also "The Burning of Old Simon", (Widow of Ephesus modernized) "The Devil and the Farmer's Wife", "The Friar in the Well", "The Wee Cooper of Fife" (Wife wrapt in Morrel's Skin), "The Boy and the Mantle", and on and on.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Art Thieme
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 05:49 PM

I heard a joke about a guy who took his shoes in to be repaired---came back 10 years later after finding the claim ticket. He was told that the shoes wouldn't be ready until next Thursday.

I took this basic joke, made a broken token song out of it and Emily Friedman named it "THAT'S THE TICKET" even though she says she didn't. I gave it to her to print in Come For To Sing Magazine with no title 'cause I'd never named it. When the magazine was issued, the song was printed under this title. No matter, as I've said, it's a stupid little hairball of a song. I think it's in the DB.

Art

Subject: Lyr Add: THE WIDOW AND THE FAIRY (Fred Wedlock)^^
From: Susanne (skw)
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 07:19 PM

This comes from The Corries' 'The Dawning of the Day' album (1982) - 'The Widow and the Fairy', credited to Fred Wedlock.

THE WIDOW AND THE FAIRY
(Fred Wedlock)

In a crumbling ruined hole condemned for years
There lived a woman, such a kind old dear
For forty years in a basement flat
No friend had she but her old tomcat.

One Christmas Eve she sat cold and glum
When a blinding flash lit up her lonely slum
And there stood a fairy saying, Have no fear
To grant three wishes they have sent me here.

With trembling hands she held forth her purse
A widow's pension don't go far, of course
The fairy waved her wand around
And on the floor lay ten thousand pounds.

A gorgeous figure and a face divine
Oh all my life have I wished them mine
Hold tight, said the fairy, And I'll have a go
And made her look like Brigitte Bardot.

This gorgeous figure, in the chair she sat
When she chanced to spy her old tomcat
He's my only friend, so if you can
Make him my handsome young fancyman.

This handsome youth to the girl drew near
And whispered softly all in her ear
Oh the night is young - but you'll regret
The day you took me to see the vet.

Remarkably close to 'The Dundee Cat' mentioned above, isn't it? And not the only example I've heard of Fred Wedlock managing to write a song very close to what someone else had written (but neglected to copyright) before him.

About 'The $65 Sportscar': I've heard it credited to Charlie King. Help, someone, please?

And Liz, the song you are thinking of is 'A Stitch In Time' by Mike Waterson, who indeed wrote it after reading about it in a Hull newspaper. I think it was posted to a thread some months ago, maybe last year.

Two more examples of jokes turnd into songs are the one about the man who drinks his whole collection of miniature whisky bottles (from the Hamish Imlach thread) and 'Paddy and the Bricks', also discussed in a recent and a less recent thread. - Susanne

Subject: Lyr Add: THE RABBI AND THE PRIEST(?)^^
From: Melbert
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 07:58 PM

I got these lyrics from an old Paddy Roberts album, though I usually use the same tune as "the sick note".
You've heard about the rabbi and the Irish priest
who in things ecclesiastic were opposed to say the least.
They found themselves together at the closing of the day
and got in conversation in a friendly sort of way.

Good rabbi said the padre 'tis inquisitive I am
have you never had a sample of the bacon or the ham?
for I'm prepared to wager that from Tel Aviv to Cork
there's nothing like the flavour of a side of pickled pork.

The rabbi looked around him and he murmured soft and low
He said I will confess to you that many years ago
I had a slice of bacon, though I knew I never should.
Confidentially, the rabbis said, it tasted pretty good.

An now that I have satisfied your curiosity
I wonder, said the rabbi, would you do the same for me?
For though I know, the rabbi said, that you may never wed
Have you never known the sweetness of a woman in your bed?

The old priest whispered softly and he said I'll tell the truth.
It happened many years ago when I was but a youth.
Her hair was black, her lips were red, her eyes were starry bright
and 'twas she said he who led me to the devil for the night.

The rabbi smiled a little smile and slowly winked his eye
he said I'll keep your secret and on that you can rely.
There's just one thing I'd like to say before we end our talk.
You must admit it's nicer than a slice of pickled pork!

(well----- I thought it was funny, anyway!)

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Melbert
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 08:03 PM

On reflection, and having now considered the prospect of another night with my missus, I might just give my vote to the pork!

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: ddw
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 08:52 PM

Joel Mabus does a great song on his Short Stories CD called THE PREACHER AND THE FLOOD that I heard as a joke about 35 years ago. But Mabus's version still makes me laugh.

david

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: MAG (inactive)
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 09:23 PM

Here's mine, for what it's worth: (no tomatos, please)

There's a bike in the middle of the room

There's a bike in the middle of the room

There's a bike, there's a bike, there's a bike inthe middle of the room

There's a shed for the bike, in the middle of the room,

Therea shed for the bike in the middle of the room, ...

Busted door on the shed for the bike in the middle ...

Leaves blocking busted door on the shed for the bike ...

Shredder's plugged for the leaves blocking door on ...

My song is ended, and I think that's good ...

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bruce O.
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 10:03 PM

About half a dozen songs labeled 'Folktale' are in the Scarce Songs 1 file on my website. Some have the reference numbers of the Arne-Thompson 'Types of the Folktale' attached (This I have). However, Arne-Thompson steered as clear as possible from the bawdy ones, ignoring those most likely to be found in folksong and ballad versions. G. Legman in 'The Hornbook' noted that Ernest Baughman had prepared an index of English and German jestbooks as part of a Ph.D thesis, at that time unpublished. Does anyone know if that's been published, or if it's included in Baughman's 'Type and Motif-Index of the Folktales of England and America' (which I don't have)?

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:06 PM

What about a song turned into a joke (Greenhaus' comment, above, aside)? Bruce Phillips (U. Utah, Golden Voice of the Great Southwest) heard the song "MOOSE TURD PIE" -- the same one that Kendall Morse recorded for us on his Seagulls and Summer People album/cassette -- and, not knowing the song, turned it into the joke he made into a national catch-phrase.

Sandy

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bruce O.
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:09 PM

That 'Motif-Index' bit in Baughman's title rather scared me off his published book, which may actually be quite worthwhile. That motif business is sometimes nothing but a long list of euphemisms, e.g.:

Penis: pin, needle, pen, knife, dagger, rapier, sword, spear, lance, arrow, bow, canon, gun, rifle, bayonet, poker, and other tools of various types, etc.
Vagina; her black; black joke; ink well, 'xyz' hole; quiver, sheath, scabbard, purse, pin cushion, fiddle, portal, gates, fortress, keep (as opposed to breastworks), powder room, etc.

The chapter 'Toward a Motif-Index of Erotic Humour' in Legman's 'The Hornbook' provides several example of joke/song versions.
He noted there that Arne-Thompson assigned numbers X700-799 the title "Humour Concerning Sex", but left it blank.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:43 PM

Bruce: Did you find out whether or not Baughman's work was published? No response from Bookfinder, but it might have been titled in a less-academic manner for popular consumption. It's not listed in the bibliography of Blow the Candles Out, which is probably Legman's most recent and most complete list of published sources. I don't have his two Limerick books up here (and I'm too lazy to go down and look), but I assume you've already looked there.

Sandy

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bruce O.
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:51 PM

Sandy, the one by Baughman whose one whose title I quoted was taken from the bibliography of Randolph's 'Pissing in the Snow'. I tried www.booksfinder.com and found only a different work that Baughman had collaborated on, but not, as best as I could judge, related to our topic here.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: annamill
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:53 PM

Hey, what happened to my posting here?? Did my mentioning Reader's Digest cause a problem? I read that story about the $65 dollor sports car years ago there. Only it was $50 dollars. Hey!!!

L,A.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 03:34 AM

Inflation, AnnP! As the old story said "Now we're just dickering over the price!"

I'm gonna have to do more looking, Bruce. I have the Randolph book, which I will use to make sure my search is based on the right spelling of everything. I checked Bookfinder, too; now I'll try half a dozen other sites. That's my favorite recreation, since I got old and fat.

Sandy

Subject: Lyr Add: THE FRIAR AND THE NUN^^
From: Bruce O.
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 03:57 AM

Jokes/tale to song - oldies. ZN numbers locate the songs in the broadside ballad index on my website.

A. C. Mery Talys, 1526 = ACMT
Rowland's Godson (mistress and apprentice convince foolish husband he didn't see them in bed) ACMT #3 and Heptameron; ZN2546
Of the maid washing clothes and answered the friar, ACMT #23; "Stow the Friar" in Pills to Purge Melancholy
Of the gentleman that base the siege board around his neck, ACMT #26; tale and song recent "Bonnie Wee Window" thread and DT's WEEWINDO
Cuckold Cap, ACMT #28; song version in The Merry Medley, and broadside in Holloway and Black's 'Later English Broadside Ballads', I, #78
The dumb maid, ACMT #62; ZN143, DT file DUMBDUMB
Butcher and the Taylors wife, ACMT #76 & Les Cent Nouvelles, Nouvelles, #4
Man with two sons, ACMT #96; miller's will adds another son
Burning of old John, ACMT #100, broadside on my website.

From Tales and Quick Answers, c 1535, T&QA, the following twist on the Widow of Westmorland's daughter"

There was a man upon a time which proffered his daughter to a young man in marriage, the which the young man refused her, saying that she was too young to be married.
"I wis," quoth her foolish father, "she is more able than ye ween. For she hath borne three children by our parish clerk"

There's a variant where the smarter father admitted his daughter had borne a child, "But it was only a very little one". An analogue in later jokes is that the daughter is 'slightly pregnant' [more direct Widow's Daughter below]

Of the merchant that lost his budget between Ware and London, T&QA #16; [Solomon and his jester Marcolf] Percy Folio MS and broadside, ZN1528
Of the jealous man T&QA [Carvel's Ring] song versions with tunes on my website
Of him that sought his wife against the stream, T&QA, #55, song in Merry Medley, 1744 [Tale from 1001 nights]
Of the young man of Bruges and his spouse, T&QA #73, and Les Cent Nouelles Nouvelles; "Widow of Westmorland's daughter".

There are some good jokes that would make good songs, but for which I've found no song version, e.g.,

Wits, Fits and Fancies, 1614:

A man had a shrewd wife, and one day broke her head, the cure wherof cost him dear expense afterwards; insomuch that his wife in regard thereof said on a time unto her Gossips, "Faith, my husband will not dare give me no more broken heads in haste, considering how dear he finds them in the cure."
Her husband, hearing of such her braves [boasts] sent the next day for the Surgeons and Apothecaries, and in her presence paid them all their bills and gave each of them twenty shillings over and above, saying, "Hold this, Sirs, against the next time."

Legman, in 'The Hornbook', gives the modern erotic version:

A Jewish rabbi temporarily replaces a Catholic priest in the confessional, and deals out identical penances to the women who present themselves for absolution; telling the last woman (who had sinned only once) to say their paternosters and put three dollars in the poor-box and the church will owe her two more acts of intercourse.
This stumped Legman, who couldn't figure out if it was anti- Jewish, or anti-Catholic.

Errant friars and women's (including nuns) confessions are common in old stories [Decameron, Heptameron, Tales of Alfonse and Poge, Les Cent Nouvelles] too many to keep track of. See the bawdy Fryar and the Nun on my website for such an English song, and its remarkable reoccurrence in a book of Christmas carols.

Here's one of c 1710 that's been widely reprinted, but seems to have escaped the DT so far. This was also called "The Friar and the Nun" which occasionally leads to confusion about its tune, which appears under both titles in the Irish tune index on my website, but isn't the old tune called "The Friar and the Nun"

A Lovely Lass to a friar came
To confess in the morning early,
In what, my dear, are you to blame?
Come tell me most sincerely."
"I have done, sir, what I dare not name,
With a lad that loves me dearly.

"The greatest fault in myself I know
In what I now discover."
"You for that fault to Rome must go
Or discipline would suffer."
"Lack-a-day, sir, if it must be so,
Pray send me with my lover."

"Oh, no, no, no, my dear, you dream;
We'll have no double-dealing.
But if with me you'll repeat the same
I'll pardon your past failing."
"I own, sir, but I blush with shame,
Your penance is prevailing."

[ABC of tune for this is B296 on my website]

There's another song I can't find at the moment: Nun Jane had confessed that she had slept with a man and got a very light penance. Two other nuns, knowing they would get a penance no matter what they did, decided to follow Jane's example.

But it didn't do to over-do that sort of thing, as two nuns discovered in another tale. The fair young nun who slept with a young man only once got a light penance, but the older nun who slept with an old friar twice, only God could forgive, the confessor couldn't.

Unfortunately, we do not have the song of tune of another piece of 1614:
A gentleman that played very well on the Bandore [roughly bass guitar] and had but a bad voice played and sung in an Evening under his Mistress's window, and when he had done, asked her how she liked his music. She answered, "You have played very well, and you have sung too." [Politically Correct is nothing new]

There's a common tale, in Gargantua and Pantagruel, one of Andrew Borde's joke books (last two by Drs. that had been friars), and later, 1583, in the Mirror of Fancies. It's the one of the friar that always answered all questions in a single word of one syllable. That's not easy to put in a song.

The "Song of the Cobbler of Romney" in 'The Tinker of Turvy' (mostly drawn from cuckolding tales of the Decameron, 1630, is taken from Les Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles. [Friars often played a role in cuckolding tales.]

"The Crossed Couple", c 1660, which is on my website (with tune and notes of some more song versions) and a tale version in Randolph's 'Pissing in the Snow' appears as a tale in Les Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles.
"The Lusty Friar of Flanders" and "The Cowardly Clown of Flanders Cuckolded" in my broadside index are probably both from tale versions, but I have looked for them. Also, there are now less than 3 versions (cross-referenced) of "A Cuckold by Consent", on my website, that undoubtedly springs from a tale ["There was an X, he had a fair wife, the Y he loved her, as dearly as his life" is a common beginning for a song of a cuckolding.]

Maybe some more if I get ambitious.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: DonMeixner
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 08:19 AM

I seem to recall a bunch of songs by Lord Invader and His Twelve Penetrators that were very double entendre-ish and had the sounds of an old joke in them. Calypso music seems rife with them. Mainly I'm recalling the story of the boy who wants to marry a girl whom his father claims is his and the boys mother don't know. What the father doesn't know is he is not the sons father.

I also believe that I'M MY OWN GRANDPA began life as a joke. But I've also heard that it has very old British Isles ancestors. Which to believe? Maybe it's an old English joke.

Don

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jack (who is called Jack)
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 12:24 PM

Check out Tim Wallace's "COWBOY SONG" in the DT.

Subject: Lyr/Tune Add: TO CURB RISING THOUGHTS^^
From: Bruce O.
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 02:30 PM

That "Cowboy Song" is one of those 'Any port in a storm/ Necessity is the mother of invention' pieces. A cowboy version of "The Crossed Couple", noted above, is in Logsden's 'The Whorehouse Bells are Ringing'

[From Pills to Purge Melancholy. Earlier broadside version (ZN1361) 1686-8, is rather different and longer but shares some verses. ZN1361, in the web broadside ballad index, is to the tune of "The Country Farmer" (King James's Jig, B262 of the broadside ballad tunes), or "The Devonshire Damsels" (same tune, diff. title, but not the tune below.) I've forgotten on which night Scherazade told this as a tale.]

To curb rising Thoughts

There was an Old Woman that had but One Son,
And he had neither Land nor Fee;
But got little Gains,
Yet fain a Landlod he would be,
With a fadariddle la, fa la da riddle la, fa la la fa la la re.

And as he was a going Home,
He met his Old Mother upon the Highway;
O Mother, quoth he,
Your Blessing grant me,
Thus the Son to the Mother did say,
With a fa, &c.

I ha' begg'd Butter-milk all this long Day,
But I hope I shan't be a Beggar long;
For I've more Wit come into this Pate,
Then e'er I had when I was Young.
With fa, &c.

This Butter-milk I will it sell,
A Penny for it I shall have you shall see;
With that Penny I will buy me some Eggs,
I shall have Seven for my Penny.
With a fa, &c.

And those seven Eggs I'll set under a Hen,
Perhaps Seven Cocks they may chancc for to be
And when those Seven Cocks are Seven Capons,
There will be Seven Half-Crowns for me.
With a fa, &c.

But as he was going Home,
Accounting up all of his Riches all;
His foot it stumbled against a Stone,
Down came Butter-milk Pitcher and all.
With a fa, &c.

chorus His Pitcher was broke, and his Eggs were dispatch'd.
This 'tis to count Chicken before they are Hatch'd.
With a fa da, &c.

X:1
T:To curb rising thoughts
S:in Pills to Purge Melancholy, from 1700 edition
Q:1/4=120
L:1/4
M:6/4
K:G
(e/f/)|g3/2f/edcB|B3/2A/GG2B|B2BB2B|B2Be3|\
g3d2e|d2dd2e/d/|d3B3/2c/d|d2dd2G|\
G2G/G/G3/2G/ G/G/|G2AB3/2B/ c/c/|\
d3g2f|e2d(c3/4B/4)A2|(G3G2)|]

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: lamarca
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM

Art,

How could I have forgotten your song? KathWestra hosted a workshop at NOMAD this year called "The Infamous Broken Token" and specifically asked my husband, George, to sing "That's the Ticket" - and it still gets laughs!

George says he learned more about good guitar playing for accompanying songs from your records than from almost anywhere else. We think we've got them all...

One of my very favorite songs by you is "The Shanty Boy from the Big Eau Claire", being a Wisconsin girl myself...But I digress.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 08:48 AM

lamarca,

Thank you so very much for your digression ! And certainly, a wondrous Thanksgiving to you and to all!

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Melbert
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 12:55 PM

Don,
I'M MY OWN GRANDPA may well have English origins. It does kinda sound like the kind of inbreeding which the British "nobility" is known for........

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 03:14 AM

No, I've heard it Don, and it was definiotely sung by two Americans!

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bert
Date: 09 Aug 00 - 02:50 PM

Just discovered this thread while searching for something else.

When we first moved to Alabama we were surprised by the quantities of plastic flowers in the graveyards. We had a sick joke in our family "You plant people to grow plastic flowers"

Eventually I had to write a song about it: PLASTIC FLOWER SEEDS.

Bert.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Willie-O
Date: 09 Aug 00 - 03:23 PM

Well Bert, we saw a cemetery in the Adirondacks recently with a sign prohibiting the leaving of plastic flowers (I don't think it was for aesthetic reasons, I guess they strangle lawnmowers...).

Steve Goodman was a great writer of joke songs, especially when he got together with John Prine. Remember "Turnpike Tom", "Death of a Salesman" and others too dreadful to name.

Willie-O

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Aug 00 - 03:33 PM

On our old Bloody Ballads album (Dean Gitter?) were several which ended in punch lines: Pearl Bryan is decapitated by her lover and his friend, and only the body is found, not the head, and the killers refused to divulge its location. The final verse is So you girls who fall in love / you still may be misled / don't take any hasty actions / oh girls, don't lose your head!

Then there is the one where boy gets girl pregnant, boy takes girl out on a pretext, boy kills girl, boy is caught, girl's sister testifies, boy is hanged... and this one ended with Her sister swore my life away, I'm hellbound without doubt / She swore I was the very man who took her sister out!

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Tom DeVries
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:17 AM

Hi! I've been reading some of these postings and wondering if some of the good jokes and lyrics of the Arkansas Traveller are posted anywhere?

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Morticia
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:46 AM

Well I've heard this told as a joke many times.

Subject: Lyr Add: AUSTRALIA
From: GUEST,fleetwood
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:44 PM

Here's an old joke based on a quote from Shakespeare which I turned into a very bad poem.

AUSTRALIA

In a single seater airplane across the sky he flew,
Over vast Australia, enamored by the view,
But, sad to state, the plane it crashed, and from the wreck he crawled,
And gathering up what he could save, he sat awhile and bawled.

Then setting forth on foot to find some succour and some aid,
Across the burning sand he strode. A desolate sight he made.
The sun it seemed it hotter got. His water it diminished.
By the time the sun it had gone down, he thought that he was finished.

But crawling through the dawn's cold light, a signpost banged his head.
It pointed to Mercy Town which lay two miles ahead.
He willed his failing body on into this one-horse town,
And at the other end of it was an arrow pointing down.

"Bar" it said, so there he went and enquired for a drink,
But the story that he then heard, well, it made him stop and think,
For the beer and lager had run out. No spirits could be had,
And all the drinking water there had recently gone bad.

"What have you got?" the pilot cried. "I've got to have a brew."
The barman took a bottle down. From it the dust he blew.
"A local concoction made," he said, "by a local aborigine
From koala bears and local herbs—a drink that they call tea."

The barman handed him a glass and from the bottle poured,
And lumps of green and rotting flesh into his glass sprung forth.
"I can't drink that!" the pilot said. "Why don't you serve it strained?"
To which the barman then replied: "the koala tea of mercy is not strained."

HTML line breaks added --JoeClone, 29-Sep-01.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: kendall
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:31 PM

Guest fleetwood, you will find that one in the puns thread.

Subject: Lyr Add: IVOR THE DRIVER (Dave Goulder)
From: kendall
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:53 PM

There is an old joke that Dave Goulder made into a song.


IVOR THE DRIVER
Words and music by Dave Goulder.
As recorded by Gordon Bok on Gordon Bok and Bob Zentz: "Together Again for the First Time" (2017)

One night at the church I was pinchin' the coal,
    Over the ground and under the ground
When what did I see? Well, I’ll tell you it whole.
    Over and under the ground

A drunken old miner was walkin' alone,
    Over the ground and under the ground
When he nipped through the graveyard to find his way home.
    Over and under the ground

Well, he was thinkin' of only the time he could save,
    Over the ground and under the ground
When he tumbled into an unoccupied grave.
    Over and under the ground

Well, he picked himself up and he scrambled about, Over the ground, etc.
But try as he might, he just couldn’t get out. Over and under, etc.

Well, not bein' the kind who would whimper and weep, Over, etc.
He sat down in a corner and went off to sleep. Over, etc.

Well, the miner was sleepin', not carin' at all, Over, etc.
When Ivar the driver nipped over the wall. Over, etc.

Well, the night it was dark and old Ivar was full, Over, etc.
And he slipped and he fell in that very same hole. Over, etc.

Well, he spat and he screamed and he cursed and he swore, Over, etc.
And he wakened the miner asleep on the floor. Over, etc.

Old Ivar was sure there was no one about, Over, etc.
When a voice from the dark said, "You'll never get out." Over, etc.

Well, the grave it was dark and exceedingly deep, Over, etc.
But Ivar the driver was out in one leap. Over, etc.

Well, the sleepy old miner he scratched and he spat, Over, etc.
And he says to himself, "Well, how’d he do that?" Over, etc.

Now, the miner remembers his night with the dead, Over, etc.
But Ivar the driver is strapped in his bed. Over, etc.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: The Walrus
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 05:35 PM

Roseberry tae his lady said,
"My Hinny and my succour
"Now shall we dae the thing ye ken
"Or shall we hae our supper?"

With a riddle-come-a ra
With a fol-come-a-ra
With a riddle-come-a-ranty

Wi' modest face, sae full o' grace
Replied his noble lady,
"My Noble Lord, do as you please
"But supper is nae ready"

From McColl & Seeger "The Wanton Muse" (IIRC)

It just seemed to fit here.

Good Luck.

Walrus

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Lanfranc
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 07:09 PM

Jake Thackray's "THE BANTAM COCK" comes to mind.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 07:17 PM

Then there's THE BALLAD OF WILLIAM BLOAT, on which we had some discussion a while ago. Here's the thread.

Subject: Lyr Add: DRUNKS SAY THE DAMNEDEST THINGS (Clayton)
From: Songster Bob
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 02:14 PM

I can't help but post a lyric of my own composing. I wrote it to get the second joke into song, but padded it with one of my own and another that some of the fans of "hip" comedians might just barely recognize. Here it is:


DRUNKS SAY THE DAMNEDEST THINGS

He fell in front of the subway car as it sped down the track.
The wheels rolled over bones and flesh and broke his aching back.
A drunk gazed from the platform at the red and gory parts,
Then offered his opinion, saying, "Boy, I bet that smarts!"

CHORUS: Drunks -- say the damnedest things.
Their thoughts take flight on fancy's wings.
Unfettered by the bonds of sense that sober living brings,
Drunks -- say the damnedest things.

The bar was filled with sweet young things, all coos and curves and curls,
When the drunk on the end-most stool heard a line to pick up girls:
A British gent said to a girl, "Tickle your arse with a feather?"
Then repeated it more "clearly" as: "Typical narsty weather." CHORUS

The drunk saw that this line had worked, despite its startling brass,
So he said to the woman on his left, "Stick a feather up your ass?"
The outraged woman turned on him, -- "What's that you said again?"
The drunk in triumph played his card and said, "Think it'll rain?" CHORUS

He cursed the cop arresting him, of that there is no doubt.
He called him every name in the book, and some that were edited out.
It was "Son-of-this," and "Mother-that," and more that were not so fine;
Then he tipped his hat to the officer, saying, "Hope I'm not out of line!" CHORUS


Copyright © 1991, Bob Clayton. All rights reserved.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: pastorpest
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:13 PM

THE CHIVALROUS SHARK" is in the digitrad, words and music, though the melody I know is somewhat different from what appears here. The song dates from around 1900 and brings a laugh where ever I sing it.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Grab
Date: 01 May 01 - 07:26 AM

"LITTLE RABBIT FUFU", with the final line of "Hare today, GOON tomorrow", has to be in there somewhere.

Graham.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 24 Nov 02 - 11:34 PM

I had often wondered about the origin of JOHNNY BE FAIR. I e-mailed Buffy Sainte-Marie, and said she wrote the song after hearing the story as a joke.

The "$65 Sports Car" is called A TRUE STORY in the Digital Tradition, attributed to Kate Clinton, John McCutcheon, & Betsy Rose - but is that the first sung version?

-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Kenny B (inactive)
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 12:05 AM

A joke about the people who work F'Cunard
"UNCLE WULLIE"

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Boab
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 01:21 AM

Don't ask me who owns the copyright--
Dan--
"'Twas in our local public house one evening late in June,
Piano it was playin' and it was a groovy tune,
When bursting thro' the bar-room door came a giant of a man--
"Fill me a pint--for I've come to fight wi' a man that you call Dan!"

"He drank a pint o' whisky--and then ate fifty pies;
He must have measured seven feet--an' that's between the eyes!
"I've searched around this whole wide world, each corner of this land--
But tonight I'll fight, for in this room there is a man called DAN!"

Then up steps this wee fella with red ginger hair-
He couldn't have made but four feet six--with his hands up in the air;
"Well, I'm yer man, my name is Dan--hit me, if ye can!"
--And a big black boot it left the floor and blootered him on the pan!

The wee lad hit the ceiling, and then began to drop;
Was met by an uppercut, and three karate chops--
His blood was all around the walls, his false teeth on the floor--
And the big man trampled over them as he walked out the door.

The bar-room door had hardly closed when the wee chap shook his head--
He starts to roar and laugh then , and here is what he said--
"Oh I've just made a fool o' him, I've just had a ball!--
For I'm wee Willie McCann--I'm not Dan at all!!"

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 07:31 AM

I'd heard (and used) the line "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me" long before it became a song by the Beallamy brothers.

Nigel

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Arkie
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 11:17 AM

Don referred to "Shame and Scandal" which was recorded by Trini Lopez and a host of others, Joe to "Johnnie Be Fair", and there are a couple of other songs on the same theme, Jimmy Driftwood's "Mixed Up Family" and Mike Cross' "Emma Turl". All supposedly originating from an old joke.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 11:22 PM

There will be a song I wrote and sing on the Mudcat CD---STRAWBERRY----called "CHICAGO TOWN BLUES". Each verse in it was formerly a joke I heard somewhere. I'd love to hear what you folks think about it !!???
It got kind of popular in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin ----- for a while ---- twenty-five years ago----------...

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 09:27 AM

See THE LORD'LL PROVIDE by Larry Reynolds, recorded by Mike Cross.

Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 01:05 PM

Steve Gillette has one that, so far as I know, isn't on record. Can't give it to you as the lyric, but the joke goes something like:

Most people only think they know the first words Neal Armstrong said when he stepped on the moon. Just before the "giant step" line, he turned off the outside broadcast and said, "This one's for you, Mr. O'Reilly. Those who heard it asked about it later, and he explained.

As a boy, his family lived next door to the O'Reillys. One day he was playing softball with friends in his yard. The ball landed just under a window of the O'Reilly house. Just as Neal stooped to pick it up, he heard Mrs. O'Reilly's angry voice saying, "You want me to do WHAT? ... I'll do that when the kid next door walks on the moon...

Subject: Lyr Add: IN POSSESSION OF THE TOOL TO DO THE JOB
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 01:25 PM

This is something of a specialty of mine. Try the two below.

IN POSSESSION OF THE TOOL TO DO THE JOB.

1). Now, to look at Ernie Hook, you'd never take him for a crook,
And it's true; he's never broken any law,
But poor Ernie came a cropper, when an enterprising copper,
Caught him out, and now he's not an honest citizen, no more,
For it seems he had a break-in, and the copper was just makin'
Out a list of all the gear the burglar took,
In the shed he found a still, and poor old Ernie felt quite ill,
He cried out "I never used it", and the copper said "Now look,

CHORUS: "In possession of the tool to do the job,
You're in possession of the tool to do the job.
You can't be innocent, you see, if, when picked up, you're found to be
In possession of the tool to do the job."

2). So Ernie said "Before yer get a statement, call me lawyer,"
His solicitor was happy to attend,
After Ernie'd paid him double, he said "Tell me, what's the trouble?"
And when Ernie'd told his story, the lawyer said "My friend,
You don't have a leg to stand on, and all hope you should abandon,
Of securing an acquittal on the day.
You did have the apparatus, and that must affect your status,
A plea in mitigation is your only chance, I'd say." CHORUS

3). They committed him for trial, and he made a strong denial.
He tried hard to put across his point of view.
He said "Sir, I've never used it, and as for making booze, it
Is a thing, your honour, I would never want to do."
Well, the judge deliberated, and finally he stated,
"Prisoner rise, and then my judgement I'll commence.
You have no defence in law, and I must convict you, for
Just having the equipment is a criminal offence." CHORUS

4). "Now, before you're put away, have you anything to say?
You've the right to make a plea in mitigation."
Ernie said "Now is the time, to confess me life of crime,
And offer two more cases for the court's consideration:
An assault upon the person of an unsuspecting nun,
And flashing at some pretty girls as well."
The judge said, with a glare, "Come tell me when and where?"
And Ernie answered, "Well it hasn't happened yet, BUT WHAT THE HELL!"

CHORUS: "In possession of the tool to do the job,
I'm in possession of the tool to do the job.
I can't be innocent you see, if, when picked up, I'm found to be
In possession of the tool to do the job.
"IN POSSESSION OF THE TOOL TO DO THE JOB."

© Don Thompson December 1998


TWO POLICEMEN RODE OUT.

1). Two policemen rode out in their panda one night,
On the lookout for villains and vandals,
Orange stripes on the sides, positioned just right,
Showed them both where to find the door handles,
Through street after street these two limbs of the law
Stopped all who aroused their suspicions,
And between times, while driving, they showed respect for,
The road, and the weather, conditions.

2). As they made their way down a dark country lane,
The headlights revealed a parked Roller,
And beside it, relieving himself 'gainst a tree,
A portly old gent, in a Bowler.
"Aha", said the sergeant. "We'd better find out
If this rich old devil's been drinking.
From the way that he's swaying, there's really no doubt.
This'll add to our tally, I'm thinking".

3). So they screeched to a halt, and jumped out of the car,
Crying "Allo, and what's all this 'ere?
Stand still while we ascertain whether you are
The worse for the wine or the beer.
Come blow into this till I tell you to stop.
Keep blowing—keep blowing—O.K. then.
Oh look, a red light! Now, well that's a fair cop.
Oh, we're going to take you away then.

4). You're under the influence, under arrest,
And you're coming with us to the station.
So, really, I think it would be for the best
If you show us your documentation."
The old man looked puzzled, and said "Dearie me,
I don't know what I had to blow for,
But my licence, insurance, and my M.O.T.,
Are there, in the car, with my chauffeur".

© Don Thompson April 1999.


All my own work. Sorry if the line breaks don't come out right.

Don T.