BS: First Joke Thread of 2016

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 08:47 AM

When Students are Smarter than Their Teachers

Teacher: "Maria, go to the map and find North America."
Maria: "Here it is."
Teacher: "Correct. Now class, who discovered America?"
Class: "Maria!"

Teacher: "Glenn, how do you spell Crocodile?"
Glenn: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L."
Teacher: "No, that's wrong."
Glenn: "It might be wrong, but you asked me how I spell it."

Teacher: "Cindy, why are you doing your math problems on the floor?"
Cindy: "You told me to do it without using tables."

Tommy: "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
Father: "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Tommy: "Your name on this report card."

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Sarah: "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O"
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Sarah: "Yesterday you said water is 'H to O'."

Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'."
Johnny: "I is--"
Teacher: "NO, Johnny! Always say 'I am!"
Johnny: "All right: I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father did not punish him?"
Sally: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Teacher: "Children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Johnny: "Brotherly love."

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested?"
Entire Class, in unison: "A Teacher!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 09:01 AM

Slow Down!

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those speeding drivers!"

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster!" So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called the sheriff again and said, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The exasperated sheriff was happy to get rid of him: "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And indeed, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks later, the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house to see how the farmer had solved the problem. He couldn't miss the farmer's sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large letters were the bold words:

SLOW: NUDIST RESORT

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 09:15 AM

Teacher: "Where were Napoleon's Armies"
Jimmy: "Up his sleaveies"

RI/RE Teacher: "Genesis. Who was the first man?"
Jennie's Sis: "I'm not telling you that in front of the class!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 08:48 AM

I've been trying to become a vegetarian, but I'm not sure I can give up cold turkey.

In the early days of their courtship Napoleon and Josephine were very close, in fact they were never more than a bone apart.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 02:40 PM

No man has ever been shot by his wife while he was washing dishes.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 09:15 PM

So the town drunk is weaving up the steps to the local whorehouse. The madam sees him coming and, knowing that none of her girls will put up with him but not wanting to disappoint a customer, hurriedly puts a blow-up fuckdoll in the attic room and comes to greet him. He heads up for his Special Treat, weaving and banging into walls, but she hears the attic door shut, and figures there should be some peace for a while but almost immediately, he comes staggering back down the stairs. Um, wasn't she satisfactory? Asks the madam hesitantly. Belching, the drunk answers Well, I don't know - I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 04:01 AM

Three salesmen at a whiskey convention meet in the bar for a drink during the lunch break.
The Paddies rep goes to the bar and brings back three Paddies whiskeys.
After a while the Powers rep does the same, this time bringing back three Powers.
Finally the Jameson rep gets up, goes over to the bar and brings back    three more Paddies.
One of the others asks, "Shouldn't you be promoting your own product?"
"We don't want to go back to work smelling of whiskey, do we?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 04:22 PM

No man has ever been shot by his wife while he was washing dishes. No but he might be a bit crock!

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 05:27 PM

Stolen: You can't spell Chipotle without E. coli!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 09:53 PM

Also stolen: Autocorrect is your worst enema.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 16 - 10:20 PM

What Married People Do

A man and a woman--she a good-looking redhead--found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the woman reached up and tapped on the upper bunk.

"I'm terribly sorry to wake you, sir, but I'm awfully cold. Could you pop over to the closet and get me another blanket?"

"I have a another idea," he replied. "Just for tonight, would you like to pretend we're married?"

"Wow!" she giggled. "That's a great idea!"

"Good," he replied, turning back over. "Go and get your own damned blanket."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: HuwG
Date: 06 Jan 16 - 12:34 AM

Football (soccer) legend Denis Law was awarded the CBE in this year's hnours list. After the award, a television interviewer asked him "If the Manchester United team you played for in the sixties and seventies were to take on today's Manchester United team, who do you think would win?"

Denis answered "Oh, me and the lads I played with between forty and fifty years ago would definitely win, though it might be a bit close; say, one-nil."

"Why do you think it would be close?"

"Well, most of us are nearly eighty years old now."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Mad Jock
Date: 07 Jan 16 - 12:25 PM

An elderly gentleman and a very attractive young lady are sharing a sleeping compartment on a train for a very long journey. They talk about many things, Sport, Politics, Religion and are getting on very well. Eventually they get on to discussing Sex and Morals.

The man asks the young lady if she would go to bed with him for £10 million pounds.
She quickly replies "Why yes."

He then asks would she go to bed with him for £1 million pounds.
Again but with a little hesitation she says "YES."

He asks a third time. Would she go to bed with him for £10 ?

With no hesitation she replies "NO! What sort of girl do you think I am?"

He replies "We have already established that. All we are doing now is haggling over the price!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Jan 16 - 03:10 PM

Q. What is found both on pool tables and in men's trousers?

A. Pockets.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jan 16 - 07:25 PM

"the next song we're gonna play is a love song.
Its about when two flaming hearts combine with a burnin desire
and makes the world's most powerful heart burn

When the good lord helps you slow down he does two things, first he dulls your memory and second he helps you stand up straight and makes it hard to remember.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 08 Jan 16 - 08:48 PM

Sorry, but I haven't a scooby what you're on about, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 16 - 03:38 PM

Mrs. Clinton we have noticed that you refer to the Caliphate terrorist movement as Daesh and not Isis. Is there a reason for this?

"It depends upon what the meaning of Is is."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Jan 16 - 03:47 PM

Did you hear of the terrible plight of the couple who didn't know the difference between Vaseline & putty?





All their windows fell out.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jan 16 - 09:33 PM

Donuel - now THAT's funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jan 16 - 10:28 PM

MGM: The opposite mistake to that of the well-known couple named Kelly.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jan 16 - 01:37 AM

Indeed, Joe. What BTW was 'Carter's paste' which they mistakenly used?

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jan 16 - 02:08 AM

Oh -- OK. Have done what I always say people should do before asking on here for definitions &c, and googled. So now I know what Carter's Paste is. A US brand, it appears. Not sure if one can buy it here.I think our equiv would be the brand called, Gloy, iirc.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Jan 16 - 10:17 AM

Should have been on the "bad joke" thread
A policeman on his beat comes across two men, on lying face down on the pavement with his trousers pulled down exposing his backside, the other kneeling next to him with his finger up his mate's bum.
"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo; what's goin' on 'ere?", he said.
"Well officer, my mate's collapsed because he's had too much to drink, and I'm trying to make him sick."
"You'll never make him sick putting your finger there" said the policeman.
"I will when I put it in his mouth".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Jan 16 - 06:36 PM

MGM: I always heard it as "library paste".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 03:38 AM

Oh, right. Thank you, Joe. I found 'Carter's Paste' on a version given online, but there will obviously be variants as in any traditional artefact.

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 09:58 AM

A keen collector of old bibles meets a friend, who tells him he has just thrown away an old copy of that very book.

"It was some kind of Gutton ... Guten ..." he says.

"Not an old Gutenberg, by any chance?" says the bible collector, horrified. "A bible like that would fetch 3 or 4 million at an auction!"

"Well that's OK then," says the friend of the bible collector. "This one was probably worthless. Some idiot called Martin Luther had scribbled comments all over the damn margins."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 11:59 AM

Does anyone get my Isis joke?





HInt Pres. Clinton testimony during impeachment hearings.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Thompson
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 02:04 PM

If we're going to have political jokes…

A passenger gets off the Air India flight to Belfast, and wanders through the city sleepily in search of a hotel. He comes to an area where all the kerbstones are painted red white and blue, in an attractive example of local folk art, and stops to look around. Two men detach themselves from a wall and come over to him.

"Where you from, laddie?" one asks him.

"India, actually," he says, preparing to ask them for directions, but the other one interrupts -

"What part of India?"

"Delhi."

Both of the men go purple with rage, and roar, "That's LONDON Delhi!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 03:24 PM

I *told* you it was funny, Donuel!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 07:37 PM

Thompson, I don't get it! What's political about it? What's
funny?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 08:32 PM

Play on words. Derry/Londonderry. The moment has passed, Dave.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 08:47 AM

"The moment has passed, Dave."
Not really Steve - highly apposite.
Reminds me of a Jewish customer I had when I was an electrician in London.
He went on a business trip to Belfast at the height of the troubles and was stopped one night at an unofficial roadblock manned by three armed, masked men
He was asked, "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
He replied, "I'm a Jew".
After a long pause, they asked him, "Ah, but are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?"
Jim Caroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 10:02 AM

Tell me that's not a true story, Jim! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 10:15 AM

So did he recite the Oy-Vey Maria?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 03:10 PM

Best I have ever heard.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Mrr at work
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 05:56 PM

Q: Are you a catholic or a protestant?
A: I'm an atheist.
(pause)
Q: Well, is it the catholic or the protestant god you don't believe in?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 06:27 PM

From the 'net

Jerry Hall: she started out with a rolling stone and ended up with a fossil.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jan 16 - 09:51 AM

A Change Of Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look," he said in a whisper. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, the minister got to the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. But when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

When there was a brief musical interlude, the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal!"

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 16 Jan 16 - 02:23 PM

Newfie Airliner

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the newfie pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The newfie co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too …"

________________________

Happy Hour in Newfoundland

A Newfie saw a sign at a restaurant.

It read….

Happy Hour Special:

Lobster Tail & Beer.

"Lard Tunderin Jaises!" he says to himself, "Me three favourite things!"

________________________

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 16 Jan 16 - 06:16 PM

Uncles reminded me of another one.....    A mafia boss lost his brother , and though a criminal like himself,   wanted him remembered in a favourable light at the funeral , so he offered the priest a large contribution to the building fund , if he would only say at the funeral that his brother was an angel.   The priest took the money, and the day of the funeral came, and the surviving brother sat on the front pew. The minister began.............we have here the body of a man, who in his life, was a violent , deceptive, thieving , and adulterous rebel........but compared to his brother.....he was an angel....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jan 16 - 11:46 AM

Financial Topics Explained

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 23 Jan 16 - 11:52 AM

That is brilliant.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 23 Jan 16 - 01:36 PM

Too much monkey business ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Jan 16 - 09:22 AM

A Dumb Blonde?

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Web and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After a good hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 31 Jan 16 - 01:18 PM

What's green and sings rock 'n roll?


Elvis Parsley.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Bainbo
Date: 01 Feb 16 - 05:00 PM

So the guy says to the doctor: [deep, husky bark]"It's my voice. It's been like this since I was a teenager. People stare at me when I speak; my friends all take the mickey out of me; I can't stand it any longer. Is there anything you can do doctor?"

The doctor says: "Do you know, I've read about this and I've an idea what it might be. I'll have to carry out an examination – drop your trousers."

The chap drops his trousers, and an enormous penis flops out and thumps onto the desk. "Ah," says the doctor. "Just what I thought. Your enormous member is pulling your internal organs down, and puting strain on your vocal cords, which is affecting your voice. It's easy to put right – just a simple transplant operation. Do you want to go ahead with it?"

"Oh, yes please," barks the relieved patient. "Anything to put an end to this."

Two months later the man walks back into the surgery. "Doctor, it's incredible," he says. "You were right. Listen to me – my voice sounds normal. No one takes the mickey, I sound just like everyone else, I can join in karaoke – in fact I'm joining a choir. Life is fantastic.

"The only problem now is that my wife is threatening to leave me. She says that since my operation I can't satisfy her any more. Is there anything you can do about that?"

"No," barks the doctor. "There isn't."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Feb 16 - 04:09 AM

How many folkies does it take to change a light-bulb ?
Fout - one to change the bulb, three to stand around discussing how much brighter the old one was.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 16 - 07:45 AM

How many folkies does it take to change a light-bulb ?


... and a fifth one to complain about it going electric.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,HiLo
Date: 02 Feb 16 - 07:55 AM

That is grand Doug , very funny and so true.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 03 Feb 16 - 08:41 PM

Rec'd from a friend in email.


Bill rides again

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious. Here she is, in the middle of her election campaign, and now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You fool! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!"    "How could you?   I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!" "Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:

"Who's calling?"