BS: How to be good at conversation

Subject: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 May 16 - 04:40 PM

TED talk on how to be good at conversation actually the speaker uses "good interviewing techniques" as the model. Which I listened to because I am interviewing old(er) people to record their memories of the locality I live in. The results are at StroudVoices.co.uk search page (put in WW2 or courting eg). And a lot of what I hear parallels the techniques I have evolved but you can always learn more.

One thing that struck me is a quote which resonates because there is one person in my cognisance who epitomises this mistake:

You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

Could apply to some in this parish! (that's ruined the thread already!)

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Thompson
Date: 10 May 16 - 05:07 PM

Eee, well put!

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Joe Offer
Date: 10 May 16 - 05:25 PM

When I was stationed in Berlin in 1972-73, many of the locals thought I was a wonderful conversationalist, and that I was amazingly fluent in German. I could understand almost everything perfectly, but my speaking ability wasn't (and isn't) all that great. But I knew one word of Berliner Deutsch, and I learned to use that one word very well: doch. "Doch" is kind of a universal word of attention and affirmation and acknowledgement. The tone with which the word is used, gives it a wide variety of meanings, all of which are very affirming to the other person. Use that one word wisely, and you'll get along just fine in Berlin. Every language needs a word like that.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Bill D
Date: 10 May 16 - 05:28 PM

"We listen with the intent to reply."

Yup... I have seen those conversations far too often.... and I 'think' that it is exacerbated by age. It is far easier to take in general points and recount something similar of your own, than to explore the relevance of someone else's. I work at 'hearing' the other person, but catch myself slipping into..."that reminds me of the time...".

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Joe Offer
Date: 10 May 16 - 05:32 PM

I like Headlee's ingredients of a great conversation: Honesty, brevity, clarity and a healthy amount of listening. I tried to do that and teach that to new employees in my 30 years of interviewing witnesses in government security clearance investigations. I called myself a "professional gossip," but my trick was to listen a lot and not say much - and to write what I heard in my reports, but never repeat it otherwise.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Janie
Date: 10 May 16 - 08:35 PM

Confess I am lousy at conversation. The only person more uncomfortable than me in a social setting is the empathetic person made uncomfortable by my discomfort who out of pity hesitates to move on.

I am a master of the awkward silence with people I don't know well, especially people I don't know well whom I admire. Conversely, with good friends, I am often so pent up from spending my days listening and so keyed up that my narcissism takes over and I prattle non-stop and don't let them get a word in edgewise.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Joe Offer
Date: 10 May 16 - 09:04 PM

Don't think I agree with you, Janie. The key to being a good conversationalist, is to be a good listener. You're a very good listener.
You just don't give yourself credit for that.
So there.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 16 - 10:31 PM

As the oldtimer said to me, "You ain't learnin' nothin' by talkin'."

Joe, your technique of listening was excellent. I do it and then people wonder later when I say something like, "You play the ocarina. Does it have something to do with your overbite problems?" I probably learned both things (ocarina and overbite problems) by listening to them discuss it in the past, but I get the reputation of being One Who Knows Things.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 May 16 - 03:05 AM

Funnily - when interviewing I have to listen for 3 reasons.
1) so that I can steer the next question/answer to relevance to the locality
2) so I can maybe get elaboration on a point, like peoples' names. During edits the extra points can then be stitched-in to preface the subject, or make it more explanatory.
3) the results are about the person &/or the locality and not me so whatever I say will probably be cut out.

But as a conversation I am interested so my mind doesn't wander much. It relaxes the interviewee, the results are more conversational. Though I do record "talks" at my local history group, and they sound more formal.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: leeneia
Date: 11 May 16 - 12:16 PM

I listened to the TED talk. It seems to me that the presenter must have a high proportion of self-centered bores in her life, because the conversations she describes are nothing like the entertaining, interesting, meaningful talk I have with my people.

For example, we don't keep our cell phones handy and we don't wrangle over topics, whether politics, global warming or plastic-bag use.

She said one thing that covers almost all the other points: "Be interested in other people."

But can an adult who is not interested in other people actually change? And by the way, how many adults are there who are not interested in other people? From my experience, I'd say "not many".
=====================
As a former concert promoter, I noticed the terrible design of the audience seating in that video. Did you notice its extreme rake (steep slant) and the absence of hand rails? It's dangerous.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Donuel
Date: 11 May 16 - 12:47 PM

Silence is golden but in partnership with listening, divine.
In the day I listened to over 12,000 people tell their stories. Not everyone would share their life. Some only revealed their body language. Steering the conversation toward examples of self empowerment was the most talking I would do before inducement and PHS delivery.

The old joke comes to mind about the therapist who saw 20 people a day was once asked, "how do you do it?" ; Its easy! I just don't listen.

I believe active listening actually burns calories.

Mr. Red was only remiss in telling us how incredibly rewarding it is to be the trusted listener. I bet it is one of the most rewarding aspects of being a Priest.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 11 May 16 - 01:13 PM

I was watching the first of a new series on TV last night that the Hairy Bikers are doing. It is a project to get older people paired up with teenagers, hopefully for their mutual benefit; teenagers with problems, OAPs with little social contact etc.
It soon became obvious that the pairs that worked best were the ones that listened to each other.
Could be an interesting series.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be good at conversation
From: Senoufou
Date: 11 May 16 - 02:16 PM

Ooooh yes, Black belt, it was very interesting wasn't it? Many less developed countries, though coping with poverty, have the inestimable blessing of people having the time to socialise and talk together. Old folk in W Africa are never ever alone, and spend all day nattering in the shade.

I'm insatiably curious, so listening is easy for me. I sat in the doctor's surgery yesterday and listened to a fascinating elderly lady who had actually driven combine harvesters!! Her twin sister had driven the lorry alongside that receives the grain from the combine. Two women who had done amazing things.

I fear for conversation when I see young women glued to their iphone while walking along, oblivious of everything except the little blue screen. In coffee shops too, everybody is isolated 'on the phone'.