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Subject: new jokes From: GUEST Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:01 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'I haven't heard a good current joke in awhile that didn't involve an American President, Clinton or Bush take your pick. Anyone got any ? Here is the only one I have heard- "I recently ran into Brittany Spears. I almost didn't recognize her without the word MUTE appearing nearby." Clinton and Bush are still fair game though. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Midchuck Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:19 PM An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:28 PM This may not be new, but it's new to me...does that count???? Frank Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Pseudolus :( Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:43 PM Damn........lost my cookie again! Frank |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Justa Picker Date: 02 Apr 01 - 03:45 PM Guy walks into a pharmacy and tells the female clerk "I need to speak with the manager". She says "one moment". Goes into the back room of the store and the female manager walks out and says to the man "I'm the manager. How can I help you?" Man says "No. I need to speak to a male manager." She says "Sir I've been managing this pharmacy for many years, and I can promise you that whatever the concern, I am more than qualified to deal with it." Man starts perspiring and very nervously says "Okay, I have to tell someone. It's driving me insane! I've had a hard on for the last 3 weeks and cannot get rid of it. Is there something you can give me for it?" She goes into the back to consult with her female partner. A few minutes later she emerges and smiling says to him "How's $500.00 a week and a 35% interest in the store?" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Dharmabum Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:07 PM A teacher was working with a group of children,trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,they felt objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smelled aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of Life Savers,more flavors than you could imagine. "Children,I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"announced the teacher. Without difficulty, the children managed to identify the taste of cherries,lemons,and mint,but when the teacher had them put honey flavored Life Savers in their mouths,every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint,"said the teacher."It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly,one of the children spat the candy out of his mouth and shouted,"Spit 'em out,you guys,they're assholes!" DB. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Songster Bob Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:08 PM I hear they're giving Viagra to men in nursing homes, along with their warm milk at bedtime. The milk helps them sleep, and the Viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed in the night. - - - A woman goes to apply for a job in the citrus fields. Thay asked her, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" She says, "I've been married and divorced three times, what do you think?" - - - Bob C. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Timbrel Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:46 PM OK...this one came from garrison kiellor's show. I've had mized reactions telling it: some people guffaw, some just roll their eyes. Spring comes, and a bear wakes up from his long hibernation feeling very, very thirsty. He stretches and wanders out of his cave in search of something to drink. The spring is dried up, the stream is dry, so he wanders a while, eventually coming to a rural road. He follows the road down, and soon comes into a small town, where there is a bar on the corner. The bear thinks "Hey! That's it, I"ll have a beer." He goes into the bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The bear says "I'll have a beer..... (long pause here) and a bag of peanuts." The bartender says "Why the big paws?" Works better out loud. But seriously folks...why IS there such a dearth of new jokes lately?? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bardford Date: 02 Apr 01 - 04:56 PM Old fellow sitting on chair in a nursing home. Every so often, he lists to one side, and the nurse comes running over from behind the desk to lean him back upright. A visitor arrives: "Well,pop, how are they treating you?" "Okay, I guess, but they won't let me fart." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 02 Apr 01 - 06:12 PM Man goes into pharmacy. 'Do you sell viagra?' Girl assistant blushes. 'Yes, we do!' 'Can I get it over the counter?' Girl assistant blushes again. 'You might need three tablets to do that...' |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Banjer Date: 02 Apr 01 - 08:47 PM Q. What happens when you feed viagra to a lawyer? A. Nothing, he just gets taller. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:03 PM Did you hear about the guy who got a viagra caught in his throat and got a stiif neck? There's a guy who has gotten into the habit of stopping at the local pub after Mass on Sunday afternon. His wife usually puts up with it but one week tells him,"Now this sunday is our anniversary. I want you to go to town after Mass, and pick up everything we had for dinner that night in Paris on our honeymoon. Get a good bottle of Merlot, some good cheese, good crusty bread, and escargot. And don't stop at the bar!" The guy goes the following sunday, and sure enough, he has to walk right by his favorite bar to get to the bakery. His friend see him through the door and call to him. He tells his story and tries to beg off, but they keep after him, and tell him "Just stop for one. It's on us!" Well. one leads to two, two leads to ten, afternoon turns to evening. Our hero needs a good excuse and turns to the bartender who gives him the best he can think of. The man runs home, and as he gets to the front walk, he takes out the escargot, and puts them in a line on the wlakway. He opens the door, and as his wife comes running to the door to chew him out, he turns to the snails and yells "Hurry up already!" Same guy, same wife. He stops for "just one" after work, and ends being there for awhile. He gets quite drunk, and throws up on his shirt. He turns to the bartender who tells him, "Take $20 stick it in one pocket and tell your wife that you were fine, but the guy next to you got sick and threw up on you. Then give her the $20 and say that he gave it to you to pay for your shirt." The guy thinks that just might work and settle down to another pint. He stays for a little while longer and goes home. His wife sees him and starts to yell and he hands her $40 and tells her about the guy who threw up and the $20 for his shirt. His wife asks why there's $40 then and he replies "He shit in my pants, too." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Tone d' F Date: 02 Apr 01 - 10:13 PM Penguin walks into a bar and says "have you seen my brother" barman replies "no what's he look like" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,petr Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM so this seal walks into a club |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,petr Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:41 PM whats red and smells like green paint.
red paint. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: UB Ed Date: 03 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!" The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer." And one for the ladies: One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas,playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewilderedly and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Mr Red Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:24 PM From Dave race - a local folkie This duck walks into a bar and orders a Pint of Lager and a packet of nuts which it proceeds to consume. The barman, nonplussed at an apparently 'talking duck' says err excuse me, we don't see too many of your ilk hereabouts. The duck replies Well mate I am here for about a week, I am plastering the Grey's house down the road. The barman then says If you like I could get you a much better paid job with some friends of mine who run a circus. The duck gives this some thought and then replies, circus folk live in tents don't they? Yes says the barman. Well says the duck, what the *!*!??* do they want a plasterer for then? Petr - So what's wrong with the smell of red paint then? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: chip a Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:42 PM What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? ------ dam! |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Frug Date: 03 Apr 01 - 04:51 PM Girl and guy get married after a whirlwind romance. On the wedding night as they undressed for bed the guy throws his trousers acrossd the bed and says hey try these on. The girl trys and says these are too big for me. Good says the guy now we know who's big enough to wer the pants in this house. The girl responds by taking off her panties and throwing them to the guy says here you try these on. The guy takes one look and says I'll never get into those pants........Exactly says the girl and thats the way it stays until your attitude changes |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:58 AM Sorry, but I don't understand the thread title.... RtS (as everyone will have worked out by now! |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Mrrzy Date: 04 Apr 01 - 12:53 PM Heard about the new Stealth condom? She'll never see you coming! heard about the new, extra-sensitive condom? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 04 Apr 01 - 01:20 PM A slightly different duck joke!! Three ducks walk into a bar and the first one orders a beer. the bartender is a little taken aback by a talking duck but decides to start up a conversation. "So, what's your name?" The first duck replies, "Huey". "Hiya Huey and how was you day? Huey says, "Marvelous! It was a marvelous day, in and out of puddles all day!!!" Bartender goes to the next duck and says, "So, what's your name?" The second duck replies, "Duey". "Hiya Duey and how was you day? Duey says, "Fantastic! It was a fantastic day, in and out of puddles all day!!!" So the bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie, huh?" third duck says, "No, my name is Puddles and don't even ask me about my fucking day!!" Frank |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Dharmabum Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:28 PM A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg,looking a bit p*ssed off,grabs the sheet,rolls over,and says"Well,I guess we finally answered THAT question." DB. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:41 PM The sex life of an egg... You only get laid once - by your mother! The only one who sits on your face is - your mother! The one time you get hard, someone smashes the top of your head with a spoon... |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Troll Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:43 PM Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? When you throw it, it doesn't come back. It just writes sad songs about how it would like to some day. troll |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:51 PM What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick... |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Jim Dixon Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:57 PM This is a true story (paraphrased) from a newspaper article which Jay Leno read on his show on Monday: A man was arrested after stealing a *large quantity* of Viagra from a drug store. The clerk was able to pick him out of a lineup . . . |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,petr Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:02 PM whats brown & sticky? a stick (i know youve heard it before) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,JTT Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:18 PM Ancient joke from the beginning of Viagra (which of cours is made in Ireland): A large quantity of Viagra was stolen on the way to the airport. The Gardai [Irish police] are looking for a group of hardened criminals. (*this joke went around after a quantity of Viagra actually *was* stolen on the way to the airport.) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:29 PM 5 little pigs go into a bar. They all have a pint, after which the first goes to the tolet, and then leaves. The 4 have another round and then one excuses himself, uses the facilities and then leaves. Another round and another one uses the bathroom, and leaves. The remaining 2 have another pint, and one uses the bathroom, and leaves. The remaining pig has another beer and heads for the front door. The bartender asks "Aren't you gonna use the bathroom as well?" "No, I'm the little pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:36 PM Why did he chicken cross the road? The rosters on the other side already had their peckers pretty full, and open dates were hard to cum by. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: gnu Date: 04 Apr 01 - 06:50 PM I don't get no respect. The other day. I went to a cathouse at noon. There was sign on the door. It said, "Gone to lunch. Go **** yourself !" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 04 Apr 01 - 07:35 PM That was for old gnus. Now if you were a new gnu--- |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Nemesis Date: 04 Apr 01 - 07:50 PM I heard Derek Brimstone crack a couple at his gig the other night: What do you call a train when it goes straight through the station when you're waiting Thomas the Bastard
What do you call a helicopter that doesn't fly? Budgie the little wanker
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:18 AM Tell me when it time to laugh. I'll do my best. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Troll Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:21 AM No Guest#1. Because then I'll wind up having to explain it to you and I simply have too much to do this month. troll |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:40 AM Not so much to do that you can't waste time on BS threads. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Troll Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:50 AM You've discovered my dreadful secret. Whatever shall I do? My reputation as a hard-working drudge will be destroyed, the facade will be stripped away and I will stand exposed as A. The reincarnation of Froggy the Gremlin. B. A fairly typical Mudcatter C. A reporter for Inside Edition D. A teapot troll * hint. "D" is a good bet* |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 05 Apr 01 - 01:39 AM I'm here because I have to wait for someone to supply me with some data by email for a design project for them. So I have to watch my email almost all day, and it's trivial to switch over to Mudcat for 30 seconds or so every half hour. My rationalization is that I'm really working, but tomorrow I'm going to turn over a new leaf and start doing somthing worthwhile while waiting (at least that's my very optimistic plan) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: UB Ed Date: 05 Apr 01 - 08:31 AM A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 05 Apr 01 - 08:32 AM Three guys walk into a bar, you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it! frank |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,psycodelek Date: 05 Apr 01 - 09:30 AM a chimpanzee,crocodile&elephant walk into a bar-the bartender says whoa-what are you guys some kind of joke? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: LR Mole Date: 05 Apr 01 - 09:52 AM Has the Russian space station destroyed its only flower regeneration facility on reentry or did the MIR have two vases? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 05 Apr 01 - 10:41 AM A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "So, why the long face?" They didn't have to be good right? :-) Guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and starts to relax. Someone from the back of the bar yells, "15!!" and the entire bar roars with laughter. this seems a little weird but he just continues on with his beer. Soon after another voice yells, "32!!" and again the bar erupts with laughter. This continues with different numbers but the same results. Finally the guy calls the bartender over and asks what is going on. The bartender replies, "Well, ya see, we're a neighborhood bar and everybody in here has been coming here all their lives. We all know each other and each other's jokes so instead of telling them all over again, we keep 'em in a book and when someone feels like tellin a joke, they just yell out the number and we all know the joke and laugh. the guy says, "Can I try it?" The bartender hands him the book and he starts reading. He picks out one he likes and then yells, "44!!!" There's dead silence. He decides to try again and he yells, "19!!!". Nothing..... Finaly the bartender comes over and says, "Ya know, it's not so much the joke, it's how ya tell it"..... Frank
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Frug Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:06 AM Pseudolus............The ending to that one I heard was the guy asks for a go and without using the book shouts out 34892 and the crowd erupts in paroxysms of laughter and give him a standing ovation. When the guy enquires why the big reaction the barman says............... Well they haven't heard that one before! |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Noreen Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:28 AM I think some people here haven't noticed the title of the thread... :0) Bernard?? And Frank- my Dad used to tell that one... |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:45 AM A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I? Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:57 AM Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!" Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: UB Ed Date: 05 Apr 01 - 12:28 PM A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" he asks. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Greyeyes Date: 05 Apr 01 - 05:22 PM A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one. The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint and says "can you make me one with everything?" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Abby Sale Date: 05 Apr 01 - 05:45 PM Logically, the Ginko people bought the Viagra rights to market Ginko-Viagra. It's for people who don't know what the fuck they're doing. There once was a sailor named Bates, Who danced the fandango on skates; He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. (from the Baring-Gould folk-poetry collection) But doesn't anybody have any jokes about folk music/musicians (other than any of those dumb put-down ones)? A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone". [Sorry. And some of you may be groaning for the manyeth time here as this one's been around a good few times. But I get a kick every time I read it.] |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: radriano Date: 05 Apr 01 - 06:30 PM You know, the term "new jokes", especially with reference to this thread, is a joke. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Mrrzy Date: 05 Apr 01 - 06:36 PM I had one when I logged on, but I've forgotten it already. It was funny, too, I think! Maybe I need some of that ginko meself... |
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Subject: RE: nude jokes From: Mr Red Date: 05 Apr 01 - 09:08 PM (:-0)<--< |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Noreen Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:24 PM There was a young fella named Gandhi Who went to the pub for a shandy He lifted his cloth To mop up the froth And the barmaid said "Ey up, that's 'andy!" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bill D Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:42 PM After London's "Great" Britain Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out and celebrate. The guy from Corona sits down and sez, 'Hey Senor, I would like thee world's bestest beer-- a Corona pleeeze' --The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and geeves it to heem. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers'-- throw me Bud, Buddy.'--The bartender grits his teeth and lobs him a cold one. The guy from Coors, having shaken the the Union rabble from his entourage says, "I'd like the only Right-to-Work beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water! Toss me some Colorado joy!!."--And he gets it! The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Ahm... I'll just have a Coke-- Classic, please..." The bartender, a bit taken aback, gives him a bottle of the best cola ever. The other brewery presidents, startled at that order, mutter, almost in unison: "Ya'rn't drinking a Guinness?!?' "Well, I fig'r'ed if ya Lad's aren't drinking a beer, needer wu'd I...' |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bill D Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:44 PM The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Bubba, who is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." Next day, the FBI agents descend on Bubba's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They glare at Bubba and leave. The phone rings at Bubba's house. "Hey, Bubba! This is Claude. Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep" "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bill D Date: 05 Apr 01 - 11:45 PM A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all." The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." The man says "You have a deal, Doc." Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks "What happened"? The man answered "Nobody showed up!" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: The Walrus at work Date: 06 Apr 01 - 09:06 AM To continue Greyeyes' joke
>The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint and says "can >you make me one with everything?" Certainly says the bod behind the counter, that'll be £2-70
Nobody said they had to be funny... walrus |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Mrrzy Date: 06 Apr 01 - 12:21 PM From one of my 5-year olds, I think he heard it on PBS: What's the best time to go to the dentist? (Works better spoken) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 06 Apr 01 - 12:43 PM Radriano, You mean they were supposed to be new to EVERYbody???? My bad... ;-) Frank |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 06 Apr 01 - 02:54 PM Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what? ;o) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,petr Date: 06 Apr 01 - 03:36 PM apparently George W. is a bit of a fitness buff and likes to work out 90 min. a day. His doctor says even though hes in his mid 50's hes got the mind of a 10year old. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,petr Date: 06 Apr 01 - 03:37 PM Whats the definition of a queer irishman? one who prefers women to drink. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 06 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM I prefer women to drink - that way I can... erm (blush!) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: radriano Date: 06 Apr 01 - 07:30 PM Aw, c'mon Frank, I just thought I was being funny. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 07 Apr 01 - 03:09 AM iF nADIA cOMANECI MARRIED Noah's son, he died, then she married the guy who James Cook named the "Hawaiian Islands" afterk, she'd be, NADIA COMENICI HAM, SANDWICH/ |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,#1 Date: 07 Apr 01 - 02:42 PM This is a non-BS thread. Try topping that joke. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Noreen Date: 07 Apr 01 - 03:05 PM Go away and make someone happy, GUEST#1. (That's not a joke, either.) |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie Date: 08 Apr 01 - 01:48 AM So this kid goes into a petshop & says "I'd like to buy a pet wasp" "Are you trying to be smart? We don't sell wasps" "Sure you do" says the kid, " you had two of them in the window yesterday"
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: pastorpest Date: 08 Apr 01 - 08:54 PM It has been a long cold winter. A Canadian couple decided to escape to Florida for a week. Because they both worked and had trouble coordinating time off his flight was a day before hers. When he checked into his hotel he took out his lap top and sent his wife an email. However he typed her email address incorectly and the email went instead to a new widow whose husband, a United Church minister, had just that day "gone to be with the Lord." The new widow checked her email knowing that relatives and friends were traveling to be at the funeral. When she read one email she screamed and fainted. Her daughter rushed to her mother, flat out on the floor, and read this email on the computer screen. To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived! I've just checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Your Devoted Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: GUEST,Eric-o Date: 09 Apr 01 - 12:49 AM This may be old, but it's new to me - here goes... :0) HOW TO SING THE BLUES by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin) 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes? sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is. 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: > >> a. highway > >> b. jailhouse > >> c. empty bed > >> d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: > >> a. Ashrams > >> b. gallery openings > >> c. Ivy League institutions > >> d. golf courses 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: > >> a. you're older than dirt > >> b. you're blind > >> c. you shot a man in Memphis > >> d. you can't be satisfied No, if: > >> a. you have all your teeth > >> b. you were once blind but now can see > >> c. the man in Memphis lived. > >> d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund. 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: > >> a. wine > >> b. whiskey or bourbon > >> c. muddy water > >> d. black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: > >> a. mixed drinks > >> b. kosher wine > >> c. Snapple > >> d. sparkling water 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a tennis match or getting liposuction. 16. Some Blues names for women: > >> a. Sadie > >> b. Big Mama > >> c. Bessie > >> d. Fat River Dumpling 17. Some Blues names for men: > >> a. Joe > >> b. Willie > >> c. Little Willie > >> d. Big Willie 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): > >> a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) > >> b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, > >> etc.) > >> c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") 20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care. I got the blues. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Jimmy C Date: 10 Apr 01 - 12:19 AM This may not be new but it is to me.
The Magic of Toilet Paper
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror,now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks."They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops and asks, "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paperbetween my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?" The husband lived, and with therapy, might even walk again |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 10 Apr 01 - 03:59 AM Shortest blues song? 'I didn't wake up this mornin'!' |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 10 Apr 01 - 04:00 AM Skeleton goes into a pub. 'Pint of bitter and a mop, please!' |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Gervase Date: 10 Apr 01 - 08:46 AM So, you sing the blues backwards, and what happens? You fall asleep in the morning, your wife comes back to you and your dog comes back to life. |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bernard Date: 10 Apr 01 - 06:34 PM Shortest C&W song... 'It's been lonesome in the saddle since my horse died...!' |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: UB Ed Date: 11 Apr 01 - 08:23 AM A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments. "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head. Then after a short moment of silence ... : "Well, it's not that bad," one woman said as she added cheerfully, "thank God we all still drive." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Amos Date: 11 Apr 01 - 10:42 AM GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. A |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: jeffp Date: 11 Apr 01 - 10:52 AM Amos, those are great! I've seen some of them before, but it's really nice to have them codified. Thanks for posting them. jeffp |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Amos Date: 11 Apr 01 - 10:59 AM T Shirt Slogans
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod) 2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old) 3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" 4. "Procrastinate Now!!" 5. "Rehab Is for Quitters." 6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone." 7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?" 8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt) 11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." 13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN." 14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes." 15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance." 16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" 19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken." 20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead." 21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog." 22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on." 23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once." 24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH." 25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Pseudolus Date: 11 Apr 01 - 01:07 PM A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" She asks gently. "I think you're bad luck." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Justa Picker Date: 11 Apr 01 - 02:01 PM A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs to her husband, "Harry, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God!? What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: mousethief Date: 11 Apr 01 - 02:05 PM Well, it's not new.... |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: sophocleese Date: 11 Apr 01 - 03:16 PM A woman has a baby. "I should let you know ma'am that there's something a little different about yor child." "Oh my God! What is it? What's wrong with him?" "Nothings WRONG. Its quite healthy but it is a hermaphrodite." "A What? What on earth does that mean?" "A hermaphrodite is a person who has characteristics of both men and women." "Oh dear god. Do you mean to say it has both a penis and ..... a brain?" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Naemanson Date: 11 Apr 01 - 03:44 PM How is that funny? I don't get it. I have a penis and a... huh? |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: sophocleese Date: 11 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM Don't worry Naemanson, I wasn't expecting you to get it. We all know guys don't really have a sense of humour.... |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: menzze Date: 11 Apr 01 - 08:40 PM An elder woman came to the doctor and told him she was suffering from horrible flatulences. The only good thing on her disease, she said, was: you neither couldn't hear nor smell them. Well, the doctor examined her, wrote a prescription and told her to come back in a week. The following week when she visited him he asked:" And now, mam, how do you feel?" "Nothing's changed with your pills," she replied "it's worse than before. Now you can also smell them!" "Fine!" the doc replied "So we managed to cure your nose and be shure, we'll cure your ears as well!" |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Bert Date: 11 Apr 01 - 09:45 PM We play strip poker at home. She strips and I poke 'er |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: UB Ed Date: 13 Apr 01 - 10:21 AM Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many." Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people." Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and aid, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards." |
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Subject: RE: new jokes From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Apr 01 - 11:16 AM "New Mercedes" A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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