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BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II)
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Subject: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: mousethief Date: 27 Apr 01 - 05:44 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Continuing THIS fine thread! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Micca Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:06 PM One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps falls on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath... "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: mousethief Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:16 PM I'm surprised nobody's told this one. Sam Clam and Ollie Oyster were best friends all their lives. They ate together, slept together, played together -- let's face it, they were really together. Then, horribly, one day they die. For reasons which aren't relevant to the story, Sam Clam goes to hell, and Ollie Oyster goes to heaven. Ollie Oyster checks into heaven, gets his wings, his harp, and starts to get a little bored, if the truth be told. Meanwhile Sam Clam goes to Hell and becomes, after a little wheeling and dealing, the proprietor of a dance club. Apparently in this particular circle of Hell, souls whose mortal sin was not dancing enough while on earth are forced to dance for eternity to endless tape loops of 1970's disco music. Badly edited. After a while Ollie applies for permission to visit Hell, and see his buddy Sam. Permission is granted, and he trips off down the Stairway to Heaven (see, this is musically related!) (actually if you're tripping DOWN it would be the Stairway FROM Heaven, but let's not get technical). After a little asking around, he finds his best earthly friend, Sam. They have a good chat, but suddenly Ollie glances at his Rolex (you get those with your wings; I forgot to mention) and sees his furlough is about to expire. Heedless of Sam's goodbyes, he pumps it as fast as his little shell can take him, back up the stairway to heaven, and through the Pearly Gates, just as they're closing for the evening. "Haven't you forgotten something?" booms a magesterial voice. "Oh no!" Ollie cries......... (cue music) I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:41 PM Gawd MT....I'd totally forgotten that "Classic." AND MICCA---that was completely without redeeming value!!! Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Lanfranc Date: 27 Apr 01 - 06:56 PM Rachel, a good Jewish girl, and Patrick, a good Irish Catholic lad, fell madly in love. Despite family objections they married in a registry office on a beatiful springlike afternoon in early March. They went away on their honeymoon, and checked in to the bridal suite in a romantic hotel on a desert island. Everything was perfect, the champagne was on ice, the strawberries filled the cut glass bowl, the room was filled with delicately-scented roses and the kingsize fourposter bed was made up with silk and satin sheets. They had saved themselves for this moment, and both were virgins (remember virgins!), although they had both researched the required activity in books and through the internet, so they knew what to do. Rachel removed her going-away outfit in a slow, sultry and sexy way, as she had seen it done by others, until she stood there, beautiful and naked with her nipples standing out like chapel hat-pegs in the airconditioned cool of the room. Patrick, in turn, slipped out of his Armani suit, his Turnbull and Asser shirt and his Y-fronts, and stood there before her, a proud example of Celtic manhood. "Oh, Patrick, Patrick, make love to me now!" cried Rachel. "Oh, Rachel, if only I could!" he moaned. "What on earth's the matter?" she sighed. "It's Lent!", he replied. "To whom, for how long, and at what rate of interest?" demanded Rachel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Mr Red Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:07 PM Pundits delight? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: GUEST,Phillip Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:18 PM What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: GUEST,khandu Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:38 PM I did not read the original thread, so maybe this was on it. Older than dirt, it is. The king grew weary of the jester's constant terrible puns. The king locked him into a small closet and told him he would not release him unless the jester could come up with a good pun concerning the his present situation. The jester shouted from behing the locked door, "Oh, pun the door!" Sorry! khandu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Hillheader Date: 27 Apr 01 - 07:43 PM A great white shark is swimming through the ocean when he spots this octopus in trouble. The octopus is dying and says only King Neptune can save him. The shark tell the octupus to hop on his snout and he will take him to Neptune. On the way they meet the killer whale and the shark says "Hey killer whale. Here's that sick squid I owe you".
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Hillheader Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:07 PM What about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse? Or the dyslexic devil worshiper who though Santa was god? Or the little girl who is walking past the lifeboatman's wedding and sees the crew standing with the oars raised as the couple leave the church. She says to her mother "Look at the oars" and the mother replies "They're not whores, their bridesmaids" I know I'm sad, but I'm happy!!
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:16 PM (Forgive me for telling this, since I'm not even Jewish. But some of my best friends … ah, the hell with it!) One day Mrs. Goldschmutz had a stomachache, so she went to the doctor. When she got home, she said to her husband, "Hymie, I've got some bad news. I'm pregnant." "Pregnant! How is that possible? You're fifty-seven years old, and you've gone through the change, haven't you?" says Hymie. "Yes, I thought I had. But Doctor Weltschmerz says I'm pregnant. But wait, Hymie. It gets worse. He says I'm going to have twins." "Twins! This is incredible! I've got to talk to that doctor myself!" So Hymie calls the doctor and says, "Doctor Weltschmerz! Is it true you told my wife she's pregnant?" "No, no," says the doctor. "She's way too old for that." "Hah!" says Hymie. "I thought so! But she said that YOU said she's going to have twins!" "Twins!" says the doctor. "Oh, no, no, no. She only has a touch of gastritis." "Gastritis?" says Hymie. "What's that?" The doctor says, "That's too little juice in the stomach." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Extra Stout Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:36 PM A vulture packs a bag of his favorite snacks, having been warned about airline food, and when he goes to check in for his flight, the counter attendant says " May I check your bag, Sir?" The vulture replies, " No, thanks, it's carrion." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Hillheader Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:39 PM On the subject of medicine, a woman return from the doctor in tears and her husband eventually discovers she his upset becuase the doc told her she had nice thighs. The husband storms into the surgery and is about to kill the doctor, only to be told "Sir, I told your wife she had acute angina"
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Hillheader Date: 27 Apr 01 - 08:47 PM At the last supper, Jesus is keeps bumping this toes against somthing under the table. In the end he turns to Peter and asks what it is only to be told is is Judas Iscariot (say it in a Glasgow accent) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Apr 01 - 10:32 PM It was discovered that a very high concentration of Prelusia, a chemical used to produce an artificial antihistamine, was found in the very rare and endangered "Channel Albatross" which nests in the chalk cliffs along the coast of England. It is a bit larger than others and has a whistling, low pitched call from whence it gets its common name, foo bird. It returns yearly in March to nest and remains until June. The rest of its year is spent at sea. Not wanting to decimate the colony, scientists were happy to discover that the droppings of this rare bird were equally high in Prelusia and could be used but the chalk cliffs and the beach below would contaminate it to such a degree that it was less than 25% usable. An ingenious system was developed using a large pan-like device on a trip mechanism to pop out of the lower cliff face and catch the albatross droppings before they hit the ground. Eighteen of these devices were installed and manned by crews during the nesting season. The system proved highle effective but Prelusia is still i high demand worldwide. So.....................
If the foo shits, snare it. Spaw
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Art Thieme Date: 27 Apr 01 - 11:44 PM In the town of Haiffa in Israel a felow named Joseph (all they knew of his name) ran looting through the streets and then shot Mayor Newton of that town dead----before the cops killed him. Digging into his past, they found out that his mother had once been in a convent in Barcelona, Spain and that he had worked occasionally on various farms. The caption under his photo in the paper said:
Haifa lootin' Art Thieme |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Chip2447 Date: 28 Apr 01 - 12:31 AM A few years ago a vertically challenged psychic escaped from the institution in which he was being held... Headlines read; "Small medium at large" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Long Firm Freddie Date: 28 Apr 01 - 01:53 AM Mouseorgan & Bagpuss Here LFF |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 28 Apr 01 - 02:06 AM If Nadia Comenicci married Noah's son, divorced him and married the guy that James Cook named the Hawaiian Islands after, she'd be Nadia Comenicci Ham Sandwich. (Nadia, come and eat y'r ham sandwich) AND if Della Resse Married Benson Fong (real person) divorced him and married Edwin Booth, (the very famous and brilliant actor, brother of Lincoln's assasin) SHE'D BE DELL FONG BOOTH. FURTHERMORE two Somersett-ites, punting on the Thames, lose their punt pole. They spy a rowboat with two women, one man, and three sets of oars. (can you see it coming?) They shout to the lone oarsman, "'ere, can we have on of yer oars?" (HERE IT COMES)To which the Londoner, rowing the boat, replies, "They're not 'ores they;re me mother an' sister". And Then Do I have to tell the whole African story about, "People who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones? THEN, THIS REALLY HAPPENED I started training in Gichin Funakoshi's "way" in 1970 (now I teach the stuff) (if you know what that means, then you'll know what I mean)before that it was a toss-up of which I liked better, performing or brawling. One night, in 1967 I was singing at "The Black Pearl Tavern" and was being heckled by a drunk. I blurted out"You know, I'm really a pacifist, and if you don't shut up, I'll pass a fist right through you |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 28 Apr 01 - 02:28 AM From Homer and Jethro's, "Doggie in the Window" "How much is that hound dog in the winder", with the basketball nose on his face?" "You know what a basketball nose is"? IT DRIBBLES ALL OVER THE PLACE" AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU If the old LaST Emperor of Ethiopia had been forced in to the British Navy, he'd be "highly Impressed"< BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS As the whale physician said to the captain of the "Factory ship", "YOU'RE TRYING MY PATIENTS" AND IN CLOSING, (look up, "Luff" and "Bear to" in any good dictionary) The Lord said to Moses, "Luff", but, Moses not being a seafaring man, bore-to and ran aground in the bullrushes. SO Two men floating down the river on a marble slab, one turned to the other and said, "BAIL". Th=th-gth-that's all b-brother. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 28 Apr 01 - 02:54 AM Hey, Jim Dixon, some of my best ancestors are Jewish. Did you ever stand in front of a Temple on Saturday afternoon, eating an orange and watching the ju ice come out? While we're on the subject, I'll start a new thread of Jewish jokes(the non-irritating kind) Here're a few "Non-irritating" Polish jokes. (some of my best ancestors were Polish) Did you ever hear of Alexander Graham Belcheenkoff, the great "Telephone Pole"? or Samuel F.B. Morsekowitz, the famous telegraph Pole."? Or "Tall Tugboat Anya", the 10 Foot Barge Pole? (I wouldn't touch that one with a ten foot barge Pole) OR "Screaming Eagle Yablonsky" That great Totem Pole" and then The equestrian census taker who rode furiously through every villiage? They called him the "Gallup Pole". Then there was the Warsaw'rian who ran around furiously crossing out all the obscene graffiti, He was referred to as the "X-it" Pole. Then there was the Viking from G'dansk who called himself "The Norse Pole" (You have to go half way around the world , right next to Melbourne, you'll find the little polish town of "G'Danya Sport" AND, HERE'S WHAT THE COBBLER HIT HIS WIFE WITH, THE LAST./ We have W.C. FIELDSCH, THE SOUSE POLE. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Hillheader Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:10 AM This is the worst one in the world! Gervaise was the macho man on the town and wanted an exotic pet. The pet shop owner was trying to sell him an octopus. "Will it fight?" asked Gervaise. "It's male and green came the reply "All male green octopi fight". So Gervaise took the octopus home and put it in the aquarium where he introduced a shsrk to the tank. He octopus hid. He tried pirhana. Still the octopus hid and would not fight. He went back to the pet shop to complain and the owner suggested he try another male octopus. This time his original simply snuggled up to the newcomer. His first octopus was gay! This was a severe dent to Gervaise's street cred but being a compassionate man, he could not kill the octopus. He went to the hotel where he worked and seeing Hans washing up as usual took him the story. Hans was more macho than Gervaise and said he would kill the octopus. So Gervaise brought the octopus into the hotel and put it in one of the sinks. Separated from it's new found partner however the octopus started pining and big octopus tears began running down it's face and it started to lose it's colour. When Hans saw this even he could not kill the poor lonely octopus. Which only proves... That Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise with the mild green fairy sick squid! (Sorry) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Mad Maudlin Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:14 AM Why is Seven afraid of Nine? Because Seven Eigth Nine...
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Hillheader Date: 28 Apr 01 - 03:24 AM Mr Kellog opened a new factory and declared the first cornflake off the line to be "King of the Cornflakes". Of course being first off the line he went into the bottom of the packet but as King of the Cornflakes he simply pushed his way to the top. His packet was loaded into a box and again it was at the bottom but as King of the Cornflakes he simply pushed his way to the top. His box was put onto the bottom of the pallet but as King of the Cornflakes he simply pushed his way to the top. That pallet was loaded into the bottom of a container for delivery to a supermarket but as King of the Cornflakes he simply pushed his way to the top. When the container arrived at the Supermarket his pallet was taken off first and put at the bottom of the stack once more. Did the process need to start again?
Tune in next week ---- It's a Cereal (Sorry - again)
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:22 AM OK.You asked for it!!! a pod of a-moral dolphins decided to take over the world, but, first they had to learn how to manipulate the environment. So, they found a tri-lingual maynah bird who was willing to spy for them, wherepon the maynah attached himself to a local college Professor of Mathmatics. The professor, charmed by the maynah who spoke fluent dolphinese, began to educate the bird, taught him history, math, psych 1 &2, art, etc, etc. etc. One day, the professor took the maynah to the State Zoo. Being a professor of Math, he knew that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line, so, rather than walking around the feline exhibit, he decided to run across it , skipping over the lions, from back to back, over the fence on the other side of the cage and into the arms of a waiting policeman who arrested him for CARRYING A MAYNAH ACROSS STATE LIONS FOR IMMORAL PORPOISES. ((I know, I know, dolphin--porpoise, so what>) That'll teach you to get smart. Hah...........! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: okthen Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:24 AM I think the folloeing dates back to Dr. Johnson "Oh that I were pun-i-shed for every puny pun I shed I would not have a puny shed in which to hide my punish head" cheers bill |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Fiolar Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:13 AM A Russian and his wife were listening to the radio when the weather forecast came. The announcer said that tomorrow would be fine with long sunny periods. The Russian gets up opens the door and looks out. He comes back and says to his wife, "that forecaster is wrong, it'll be wet tomorrow." His wife says in surprise, "How do you know?" The Russian just looks at her and says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Gawd help me, I wanted to tell this for years. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Hillheader Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:03 AM A man was filling up his car with petrol when it overflowed and splashed all over the sleave of his jacket. He paid for the petrol and left the garage. 200 yards down the road he lit a cigarette and the petrol vapours ignited as which point the police arrived and charged him with possessing a fire arm
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Mr Red Date: 28 Apr 01 - 07:28 AM what about the Russian who bought his children a yacht because he wanted "red sons in the sail-set" younger mudcatters raise index finger over cranium and SCRATCH. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Lanfranc Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:03 AM Ludvig van Beethoven was an impossible man to work for, a genius, but impossible. His valet, Karl Loebisch, became so frustrated with the great man's tantrums and untidiness that he handed in his resignation. Herr Beethoven was upset by this, for he was very dependent upon Karl, and called him over to the piano, where he was currently slaving over his Fifth Symphony. "Karl", he said, "How can you possibly leave me - you are my inspiration!" "Your inspiration?" sneered Karl, "Don't make me laugh - Ha Ha Ha HAAAAA!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: kendall Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:25 AM Actually, the bottle nose dolphin is a porpoise. A few years ago, a mental patient escaped from the hospital, raped a woman then ran off into the woods. A hotshot reporter made this headline ;MANIAC RAPES AND ESCAPES. The editor, being a very sensitive man,not wanting to upset the readers, told hime to rewrite the headline. This pissed of the reporter, so, he wrote NUT SCREWS AND BOLTS. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Micca Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:55 AM Kendall if I may interject, he attacked some laundresses during his escape so the headline actually read " NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: grumpy al Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:30 AM Haven't seen this one yet so here it comes, What do you call a Japanese masochist whose father has dysentry? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy. pc wass at then |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Bill D Date: 28 Apr 01 - 04:57 PM the one about the porposes has been done for years, but it lack 2 elements in the version above...(as you can seem the story can be re-written totally, but it MUST lead to approximately the same last line... " There once was a physiologist who wanted to find out the secret of longevity. Being a rather competent fellow and realizing no one would want him to initially experiment with humans, he decided to use porposes for this purpose. Dolphins were decided upon rather thatn any other mammal because of their similarity to humans in aging and eating. After long experimentation with porposes, he discovered that certain nutrients extended their life span measurably. The unfor- tunate part of this was that these nutrients were quite expensive. He found a cheaper solution: seagulls. Young seagulls had quite a bit of that particular nutrient in their blood. So he started to use sea birds to feed his porposes. Now his neighbors were quite upset when the young scientist started to trespass across their beaches in the early morning in his quest for birds. They were even more upset when he used his shotgun at five o'clock in the morning. The Audubon Society was really upset that he was scaring the other birds when he shot at the gulls. Mothers were worried he might accidently shoot their children. The beach front owners decided to put an end to his work. They met together late one night and put together a nefarious scheme to rid themselves of their enemy. The next day, one of the vigilantes went to the local state zoo. He asked the zoo keeper, "Could we borrow a lion? We need it to scare someone." The keeper agreed to let them borrow one of his older lions. The next morning, after the Ponce de Leon of modern science went out shooting, the neighbors brought the lion to his yard and tied him up on the front porch. After the scientist shot his brace of birds, he came back and stepped over the lion on his doorstep. When the state troopers arrested him the next day, they charged him with: "Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immortal porposes." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Bill D Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:04 PM It is a little known fact that Alexander the Great invented a primitive form of wristwatch. In order to synchronize his forces during battles, he ordered a special chemical to be developed that changed color with the passage of time. A small piece of cloth was dipped in the solution, and worn around the wrist. In this way, all his troops could know what time it was, enabling them to carry out sophisticated military campaigns and thus conquer the world. Historians refer to this invention as "Alexander's rag time-band." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: The Walrus Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:17 PM A multi-billionaire decided to have himself cloned by a special accelerated process which, in a short while gave him a younger, adult version of himself. Unfortunately, there had been a slight error which left the clone somewhat "anti-social", he/it would curse and swear on each and every occasion, had a habit of "flashing" members of the public, "mooning" from cars and making gestures at almost everybody who came in contact. Fortunately the original was rich enough to afford to keep the whole matter hushed up, but it was becoming harder to do and mor embarrassing so he thought to dispose of his clone and, being somewhat "hands-on" he had to do it himself. For months he tried to work out the best way to dispose of his "offspring" and hit on a plan, the two of them were to go on a trip to their private Carribean island, on the way there the older man pushed the younger from the plane into the sea where he drowned and the body was eaten by fish, unfortunately this was witnessed and reported. After great expediture on lawyers and arguments that a) there were no record of the clone anywhere and that he didn't legally exist and b)The clone was genetically 100% the older man and therefore the crime was merely a form of suicide (and due to some very large "back-handers")the murder charge was dropped, but a offence had been committed and the rich man was charged with (prepare to groan) Making an obscene clone fall. Apologies Walrus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Bill D Date: 28 Apr 01 - 05:43 PM PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village near the border between Greece and strife-torn (former) Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical events spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that is not likely to happen soon. Sister Maria, age 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base camp of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large collection of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone Sister watching over the old Hun military base. Amidst the strife of war-torn Yugoslavia remains this simple remnant of the past. Thus, that is how it ends, with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and Nun left on base.
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Bill D Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM There once was a man who owned a very beautiful horse. The most noticeable attribute of his horse was its beautiful mane. One day the man noticed a very strange happening; small sparrows were beginning to build their nests in the horse's beautiful mane. Obviously, this disturbed the man very much so he went to the local veterinarian to seek a solution to this problem. The veterinarian suggested that the man wash the horse's mane in yeast mixed with water. The man did as he was told, and sure enough, the sparrows quit their nest building endeavor in the horse's mane. The owner was delighted, to say the least, but he was puzzled as to why the yeast mixture ran the birds away. This bothered him so much, he finally called the veterinarian to find out. The vet told him, "Its very simple. You see, Yeast is Yeast and Nest is Nest, and never the Mane shall Tweet!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: GUEST,kan-du Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:21 PM Bennie found an old grecian urn. As he was polishing it, a genie came out and said "You may have one wish, but you must do what I tell you to receive it." Bennie wished for an unending supply of money. The genie said, "You have what you have wished for, but you must never ever shave your beard again." Surely enough, Bennie never ran out of money, no matter how much he spent or gave away. However, after many years, his beard grew very long and was a constant source of problems. One morning Bennie arose from bed and tripped on his beard. In a rage, he shaved the damned thing and was instantly transformed into a Grecian Urn. The moral of the tale: A Bennie shaved is a Bennie urned. kan-du (disguising my identity in shame) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: GUEST,an is guy Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:30 PM the "Gaudiamus Igitur" pun required an explanation? here?!?? shame on all of you and, the variation of the foo story requires this while we all know that the "foo shits, wear it" cycle is mostly mythical in origin. as with all myths there is an element of truth. the smithsonian institution funded an expedition to the south seas to find that truth led by none other than ferdinand feghoot, the great traveler in time and space. so, after month of investigation, inquiry and searching, the expedition was approaching the island thought to be the center and the beginning of the foo cycle when they were struck by a mighty tai-fun and their ship was sunk. the survivors, including our intrepid feghoot swam towards the island with all their remaining strength. as they approached, feghoot noticed a seal swimming past one of his companions, trailing a brown fluidy substance. the substance touched the swimmer and he promptly expired> feghoot immediately began to swim out to see, knowing that the reality was far worse than any legend... for on this island... any seal could plainly foo |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Snuffy Date: 28 Apr 01 - 06:40 PM In his younger days, Hitler was a gunslinger in Arizona. He never wore a shirt, just a waistcoat. He was known as THE FASCIST HUN IN THE VEST |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: kendall Date: 28 Apr 01 - 07:49 PM Speaking of nutrients, I hear there are some foods that kill a womans libido. The worst of them is.................................................................WEDDING CAKE |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Naemanson Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:35 PM There was a huge drug bust in the Pacific Northwest. Tons of homegrown marijuana were seized, so much so that it was burned on the spot. Unfortunately a flock of birds flew through the smoke and on that day no tern was left unstoned. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: GUEST,khandu Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:51 PM I think the best/worst pun ever was committed by Spaw in his telling of the "true" story behind "The Ode to Billy Joe". For those of you fortunate enough to have missed it, you may find it in the archives. Type "Tallahassie Bridge" in the filter and go back around 6 months. I would make a blue clicky thing but I am ignorant. khandu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: GUEST,khandu Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:53 PM Make that "Talahassie Bridge". I mis-spelled the already mis-spelled word in my last post. khandu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: Lonesome EJ Date: 29 Apr 01 - 12:45 AM Jose had recently returned from a trip to America and was asked by his relatives what the highlight of his trip was. "Well, the best thing about the Americanos is that they are VERY friendly. While in Los Angeles, I decided to attend a baseball game, but the only tickets left were in the last row. I had no more been seated, than these concerned Americanos rose to their feet and called to me in one great voice JOSE CAN YOU SEE?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 29 Apr 01 - 03:56 AM Think I'll fire another shot or two. These two are originals, so no one can say, "I've heard that before, only different" An Australian, living in Liverpool (England) falls in love with a Beutiful Devonshire woman who runs a car rental agency. She decides to take a holliday and to up to Liverpool to visit her sweety. He is thrilled at this and decides to cook a three course dinner comprised of only Australian Ingredients. Most were not easy to find, but not difficult either. He found the makings for Platypus patties, Ostrich omelet,Kangaroo kidney pudding and Wallaby Wellington. He even found a jar of honey from Humpty-Doo. He had almost given up hope of ever finding Koala Tea, but finally found a tin way up in the headwaters of the Mersey. The dinner was a huge success until, after the last course, he served her a cup of Koala Tea. She took one sip and, "Ptphooey.... fitagh.....pufhstaaat..," she began spitting out bits of fur, Koala fur, to be exact. Got to her feet,and collapsed in a heap on the floor, the cup flew into the air and fell on her spilling the hot tea all over the poor woman. The next day, the newspapers reported this tragedy under the headline, (are you ready for this..........) THE KOALA TEA OF MERSEY IS NOT STRAINED, IT DROPPETH ON THE RENTAL JANE FROM DEVON" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 29 Apr 01 - 04:52 AM tHE NAME, "yASSER ARAFAT", When I first heard it, reminded me of W. C. Fields being offered a drink and remarking, "Yaaa.s Suuh, Don't mind if I do" When I first wrote this song, I frankly didn't give a damn if, by some remote chance, Mr Arafat ever heard it. However, my opinions change in accordance with the unfolding of events. So, if, in the unlikelyhood that Mr. Arafat ever hears it, I hope he isn't terribly offended. No insult was ever intended with this song. The tune is somewhat the same as "Yes sir! That's my Baby" If I ever learn how to transmit music over these wires, I'll send the melody" Don't try to make sense out of it. It's just a bunch of Arabic, Egyptian and Hebrew names and places strung together. I suppose there is some sort of sense to it, but only line for line (and pun for pun). The song itself contains no story line. YAS SUH ARAFAT. (Words and music by Jody Gibson) (C 1995, Rose Island Music, Newport RI) I Yas Suh, Arafat, Nasser, Anwahr Sadat Yas Suh!, Yasser Arafat. We don't have a Tutenkhaman. (Pronounce it, "Toot in common") Our love affair, Aakhnaton, Yas Suh!, Yasser Arafat. Oh Cleopatra Ptolemy, "Farrouk it, baby, Ramses" Get your hot ship out of it's Hotsheps-hut and sail away for Pharisees Nefertiri cry, sis, Isis A cup of Khadafi, then, goodbye, sis> Yas suh! Yasser Arafat. II Yasser and Mrs. Yas-m' Between Yemen me's a chasm Yas Suh!, Yasser Arafat. Moses, "Noah, no sir, Abro-ham aint Kosher" (Moe says no uh, no sir, hey bro, ham aint kosher) Ayotola you, "Khomeni from Bahrain" (I told a you come in here, from the rain) Psychiatrists in Baghdad all know Hussein Oman hear me cryin' Where there's shootin' Moshe Dayan Yas suh!, Yasser Arafat. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: John P Date: 29 Apr 01 - 08:49 AM I hate to harp on this, but isn't this supposed to be a music forum? Please don't get sharp with me for saying this; I really don't want to be out of tune with my friends here. I have always seen Mudcat as a bridge between musicians all over the world, and this kind of thread can make it go flat. All these joke threads just string me along, although obviously they strike a chord with some people. Does the dominant culture here really find joke threads to be some sort of tonic? My gut level feeling is that it would be cata-stophic. Well, drum me out of the discussion is I am way off key here. Just trying to raise the bar a bit, in a measured way. No need to start a bransle, I guess I'm just in a complaining mode . . . don't mean to rock the boat . . .JP |
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Subject: RE: BS: Give us more PUNishment! (Puns II) From: GUEST,khandu Date: 29 Apr 01 - 11:06 AM True story. Working in housing contruction twenty years ago in Texas, I worked with a crew that consisted of myself, a native Texan and a Mexican. The Mexican, Lorenzo, had much difficulty with the English language. Each morning, the two men would come to my home and we would check the weather on TV before we went to the jobs. This particular morning was very cold. The weather man gave the temp as 22 degrees with a wind chill factor of -10. Lorenzo, upon hearing this said, "I am glad I do not work there." Confused as to his meaning, I asked, "Work where?" Lorenzo said, "At the wind shield factory." khandu |