Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: HuwG
Date: 17 Oct 02 - 09:30 AM

There was the sketch from the "Blackadder Christmas special" some time ago.

Baldric (played by Tony Robinson as Bob Cratchitt) is toiling at his desk. Out of shot, Ebenezer Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) can be heard approaching, saying loudly, "Humbug ! Humbug !".

He enters shot wreathed in smiles, proffers a bag of sweets, and says, "A humbug, Mr. Baldric ?"

Subject: Refresh Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red
Date: 17 Oct 02 - 09:00 AM

Well it's that time of year again any new ideas while I think on those above this years?

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Charlie Baum
Date: 12 Dec 01 - 12:02 AM

Bah! Humbug!
And similar salutations of the season.

--Charlie Baum

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 11 Dec 01 - 03:11 AM

All these French pedants-do you expect a revulsion?

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 11:18 PM

Check out the fruitcake recipe in this thread! It's hilarious!

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 10:07 PM

OOPS! I can't believe I posted "Felice Navidad!" It is, of course, "¡Feliz Navidad!"

Genie

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 10:02 PM

Here is a link to an earlier Holiday joke thread.

Genie

If you folks can stand one more bad visual pun, picture this:

A street corner, duly decorated for the holidays, with three obvious ladies of the evening standing there. Open the card, and inside is the caption
HO! HO! HO!

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 07:04 PM

Mr Red, You're right about "joyeux," of course. I wasn't sure about the grammatical details of whether the final "x" always makes the noun or adjective plural (a long time since "j'ai étudiez le Français"); it just didn't look right without the "x" though. (J'ai oubliez beaucoup de la grammaire Français, parce que je n'ai pas l'opportunite parlez la linge souvent.)

The "Fleas Navidog" is, of course, a pun on "Felice Navidad." The Iditerod is an Alaskan dog sled race.

Genie

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 05:57 PM

gnomad
joyeux it is
le pedant - is that an insect's foot? don't forget the stamp **groan**
Genie
not posessive - no apostrophe - its all there. I didn't want to be (sic) all over it.
Now Iditerod or come to that Navidog I am puzzled. Are they references to idiomatic phrases? Is there a geographical uniqueness or is it Latin? Tried the etymology and lexicography, phonetic and rhyming (thankyou SEOD CD ROM). Still acting dumb.
je ne parle plus francaise une petit pas.

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 10 Dec 01 - 03:33 PM

Alec, in the same vein as yours, how about a giant ape ringing Christmas bells on top of the Empire State Building?   Need I give you the caption?

Here's a cartoon I saw yesterday that  will delight all the ailurophiles out there:

A cat is in typical feline posture -- front paws stretched out on the ground, head low, cat butt up in the air with tail raised -- with its rear practically in the dog's face.  Tied to the top of the cat's tail, in red and green ribbons, is a sprig of mistletoe!

Genie

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: An
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:18 PM

This summer, my three-year old daughter Elena and I had this conversation: Elena:"When is that woman coming back?" Me: "What woman?" Elena (impatiently): "You know, that woman who brings presents?" Me:"Who?!?" Elena (with a face showing utter disbelief at my ignorance): "Well, you know?! Mary Christmas!!"

Thank you all for your hilarious jokes!

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 03:57 PM

*LOL* Gnomad!

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: gnomad
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 09:50 AM

Loving the thread, but mistified by joyeaux noel, joyeux surely.

Shuffle off to make card with self portrait, caption "Yonder pedant, who is he?"

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 04:20 AM

Three wise men outside the stable ...........one says ....She's a Palestinian!

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Genie (I left my cookie out for Santa)
Date: 09 Dec 01 - 12:02 AM

Good one, Sharon (Oy Vey, Maria!).  (Reminds me of the Hawaiian Jewish song "Aloha, Oy!")

Alec, in the same vein as yours, you could have Bullwinkle in a Santa hat with an angry expression on his face.   You guessed it:
 

Merry Cross Moose!

Genie

All together now: "Aaaarrrrrghhh!!"

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 10:46 PM

Have a Merry Chritmass..... OR I'LL SMASH YOUR FACE IN!

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Alec
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 06:47 PM

Stick a ping pong ball on the frount with an angel either side playing table tennis.The inside ...."Ping Pong Merrily on High ! " A picture of a mouse with a bright red nose on the frount inside .... " Happy Chrissmouse ! " Dreadfull I know !!

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 11:50 AM

I suppose this poem, which I posted last year, is ripe to be plagiarized. At any rate, it deserves to be more widely known:

The Cowboy King's NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

I will refresh it so more people get a look.

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 08:41 PM

useless facts dept
Just went looking for "happy" in Eng/french dic and joyeaux is listed there!
I have printed out the Xmas cards for this year but I am still collecting ideas for next year.

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:53 PM

I'm picturing Santa in a cowboy outfit at the "No L Ranch" (maybe branding reindeer?).

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Hillheader
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:27 PM

Mary gives birth and the Archangels calls "God, what if it's a girl?"

The innkeeper says to Mary and Joseph "Sure we have a room. It's always quiet at this time of year".

Randolph the brown nosed reindeer -- one behind Rudolph but no ABS.

Incidently, should Mark's card not have 26 letters? There is a double "U".

Davebhoy

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 11:04 AM

Genie: Groannnnnnnnnnnn... !!

Here's a phrase I used as the title of a tongue-in-cheek song about the Christmas story from Joseph's point of view (but it would work as well in a cartoon with all the characters crammed into the stable and tripping over one another), as Joseph says to his wife: "Oy vey, Maria!"

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 09:59 PM

Yes, Mr. Red, that "Cezanne's Greetings" was a real groaner!

BTW, not sure what you meant about "not get too possessive...," but it's "Season's Greetings," not "Seasons Greetings" or "Seasons' Greetings," isn't it (at least for those who know the difference between a possessive and a plural)?
Sharon, I love the cat joke!  It reminds me of a cartoon I saw which inspired me to make a t-shirt cartoon with many cats harnessed to a sled, one sleeping, one chasing a snowflake, one washing itself, a couple hissing at each other, etc.  Caption:

The Feline Iditerod

How about several sheep all singing at once, wearing Santa hats, too, perhaps?  Caption:

Season's Bleatings!!

Genie

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Les B
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:00 PM

A common office party gag gift a few years back was a small, leafless twig with a tiny red ribbon tied to a branch and holding a spent .22 shell. When asked what it represented the inquirer was told it was one of the first gifts of the Twelve Days of Christmas - a "cartridge in a bare tree".

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:21 PM

Outside of card: "Up on the housetop, reindeer pause..."

Inside of card: Yeah, well, if you had to haul Ol' Milk-and-Cookie-Butt around the world, you'd want to pause once in a while, too!

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Pseudolus
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:00 PM

I saw another version of the No-El thing on a button. It was a large letter "L" with a circle around it and a line through it...pretty funny.

Sharon, I love the Don Weenow one....that is hilarious!!

Frank

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:21 PM

ga-ROAN.

Have y'all seen the card entitled "Why Santa Doesn't Use Cats"? It shows a cartoon of 3 cats in harness, lying on the snow, saying: "Hit me with that whip, Chimney Breath, and I'll scratch you silly"; "I want a collar with diamonds"; "I'll go when I'm good and ready"...

Saw a card yesterday showing a couple building a small snowman in the background, while in the foreground two distressed snowpeople are crying to one another: "Can you believe it? They're making a baby right there on the lawn! Disgraceful!!!"

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: LR Mole
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:14 PM

Better than Julius and Augustus, in togas, saying "Caesars' Greetings". I'll help you find it (I recall my Aunt Teresa saying, around this time of year, "Leave early; get a good coat.")

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 09:15 AM

DECISION TIME it looks like Noel this year

XP (Chi Rho) is seen on a lot of alter cloths. Thanks Walrus, it clears-up a mystery so nuetral that I never pursued it. But being a fully paid-up member of Pedants Anonymous it is one of lifes pleasures finding snippets like that. It was St Andrew who was strapped to an X shaped cross.
"Jouyeaux Neol" isn't that a back-formed short hand for what we would call XPmas (sic) Joys? Assuming Anglophones had gone down that route instead of "seasons greetings" (when there is only one season involved - but let's not be too posessive about it).
on that note another example of my XPmas cards is:
an impressionist painting of Mont Victoire and underneath printed Cezanne's Greetings
(I'll get my coat)

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 09:52 PM

Guest,
My mom, a Baptist minister's wife and holder of a Master's in religious education, told me recently that she used to think, as you do, that 
XMAS was non-religious, taking Christ out of Christmas.  Then she learned, as referred to above by Walrus, that the early Christians used the "X"--the Greek letter "Chi" (or Rho superimposed on Chi) to stand for "Christ."   They were not taking "Christ" out of "Christmas" any more than it changes the meaning of "Sunday" to abbreviate it "Sun."
To them -- and now to her -- this is in no way derogatory or sacrilegious.

Some non-religious folks may see XMAS as less religous than "Christmas," but these folks aren't being reverent when they write "Christmas," either.  It is simply a short form, derived from a letter (symbol) representing "Christ."

Genie the P.K.

BTW, Doesn't Gary Larson have a cartoon about "Murray, The Fourth Wise Man, Who Brought Fruitcake?" I can't remember the rest of the cartoon. Maybe someone else can.

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 08:17 PM

Festivity Level One
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two
Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No satisfaction," gulping down other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and place hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level Four
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared allover their naked bodyies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your Yuletide festivities somewhere around Level Three -- unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four. (The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog.)

Have a Great Holiday Season and we hope you get the house cleaned up by the New Year!

(Bat Goddess & Curmudgeon, 1996)

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 08:01 PM

Dear Walrus at Work- I wasn't asking "what is xmas" so much as what is the purpose of writing Xmas? Just another way to take Christ out of Christmas? For shame.

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 07:05 PM

Mark and Bat,
My sister made me a card decades ago with a drawing of the front half of a dromedary and the back half of a pachyderm.
Inside was the caption:

No-el
No-el

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 06:57 PM

Sonja, You had too much eggnog before your last post.
It should read
 

Fleas Navidog!
 

Your partner in crime,
Genie

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 05:12 PM

Just got back after a compucrash. Turned out to be the sound card hanging the EISA bus. problem is I lost a few files in the re-install. so when I have read the suggestions I will be back in business. TIA

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: annamill
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 02:46 PM

"Hot nuts roasting on an open chest" ...aaahhh.. no that's not right. ???

Love, annamill(whogotmarksjoke ;-)

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 11:40 AM

Having just embarrassed myself by professing my ignorance of "The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas", I hesitate to ask this but...

Oh, what the heck... Linn (Bat Goddess), what are these "four festivity levels" of which you speak?

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: LR Mole
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 11:12 AM

Deleted to mute you.

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 10:32 AM

An ancient variation of the "no 'El'" was a card some years ago with a photograph of an New York Cityscape without the elevated train which had recently been torn down.

How about the little fat kid standing at the side of the stable -- "Round Yahn Virgin."

The old Playboy magazine cartoon of a young twit accosting Santa saying, "I hope you realize you are tracking dirt, soot and in all likelihood, reindeer manure all over a priceless Persian rug . . .)

The card I saw recently had a fellow musing in his living room that Christmas is the time of year when you sit around staring at a dead tree inside your house while eating candy out of your socks.

I did a card a few years ago (that is still getting raves) where I stole the idea (floating around the 'net) of the four festivity levels (but I illustrated it nicely and printed it up professionally).

Linn

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 10:07 AM

I'd contribute a joke but I think I've emptied the bin now. I've been sending some to a work colleague (just to rub it in that I've come out under the wire after years of tunnelling with a teaspoon)and he responded with this generous comment: (!)
These are great. I've set up a special folder for your stuff in Outlook. It's called "Deleted Items".
RtS (The young have no respect these days for us old farts)

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 09:49 AM

Sonja: Hee hee hee! Love it!!!

The Walrus: Wow, I never knew that (about the Greek letters). I had thought the "X" in Xmas referred to the cross Christ is supposed to have died on.

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 08:31 AM

Guest,

Xmas is an accepted abbrieviation for Christmas, deriving (If I recall correctly) from the use of the Greek letter Rho (looks like a capital P) superimposed over the Greek letter Chi (looks like capital X), however, as there is no Roman letter which combines both letters, over time, (Chi)(Rho)mas has becom wriitten as Xmas.

regards

Walrus

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 06:28 AM

What is "Xmas"?

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 03 Dec 01 - 10:56 PM

Mr. Red, It's "joyeaux Nöel," I believe.  (Not sure about the "x," because that would make the adjective plural.  Seems like it should be "joyeau Nöel," but that doesn't look right.)

An auditory and visual Christmas pun I borrowed to make Christmas cards is a pooch in a Santa hat scratching his ear.  The caption is
 

           Fleece Navidog!

 
 

SharonA, My version of the Deck the Hall pun is a wrinkled, grey-bearded gnome in full Father Christmas regalia with the caption :
 

Carroll, The Ancient Yuletide Troll

I have a song about that troll, in fact.  I'll  post it separately.
 

Sonja

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Bert
Date: 01 Dec 01 - 11:14 AM

I had a friend who put up a picture of the Pleiades in her office. So I added a cartoon of a whole host of guys with funny hats on camels and one was saying, "OK. Guys, this is where we split up, that's three wise men to each star"

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: sophocleese
Date: 01 Dec 01 - 09:17 AM

One of my favourites was a picture of a manlooking a little surprised while being hit on the head with small hard objects. Inside the card it said, "Leaded snow, Leaded snow, Leaded snow."

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Dec 01 - 07:45 AM

This may tell they way I am leaning
how do you spell Jouyeaux Neol in French? And what is the typical French expression?

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Dec 01 - 07:42 AM

Er bit late this year but - yes.
I heard of aa brit actress going to work in Hollywood sending her Xmas cards to friends in th UK before she went.
As one chum put it - "but darling how do you know who your friends will be by the Xmas!"
well this is the place to be "catty"

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 30 Nov 01 - 10:47 PM

Send them July or August, they are unexpected and receive greater respect.

Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 30 Nov 01 - 05:49 AM

Not a Xmas one but Herself found one somewhere on the web that we just sent to our nephew and wife for making us great uncle and great aunt: it has a line of animated rats doing the conga with "Conga-rat-ulations" below.
RtS (she's been with me for over 30 years, now even the "humour" is beginning to rub off!)